Sunday, May 8th, 2016
Bey's POV
I literally pinched myself to see if this was real and not a dream like I hoped. But it actually hurt. I don't know what hurts more, though. The bruise on my arm or the fact that I have another brother and I'm just now finding out.
Did Matt know all of these years? Or did he recently find out? Why didn't he tell me? I don't care if he found out two days ago or two years ago, he should've told me. He should've told me the minute the information was revealed.
He's probably known all this time. He had to know! There's no way he couldn't have known about us having the same freakin' father. I'm sure growin' up wit' just your mom makes you wonder about your dad. I'm pretty sure he's asked. And I'm pretty sure Auntie told him.
Maybe Matt- my best friend, not to be mistaken with my Da- our Dad. My best friend. Maybe he wasn't fatherless. My Dad could've been in his life, too? I mean, he had time to cheat on my Mom! So maybe he had time to be a father to Kenneth, too. I wish this wasn't true but I hope Kenneth knew him like I did.
Me and Kenneth are brother and sister and we're three freakin' days apart. What in the hell.
This is so crazy.
I looked down the birth certificate in my hand and tried to come to terms wit' this. My best friend since kindergarten, someone I called my brother, is actually my.. brother. We are [blood] related.
What the fuck..
How long has he known? How did he find out? Why hasn't he said anything to me? Was he going to tell me? Is he adopted? Who else knows about this? Does my Mom know?
As I continued to stare at the three names on the certificate, so many questions circulated in my head. Some things that happened prior to right flashed in my mind and I was about to put two and two together. Certain things that Matt and my other brother Darian said before all made sense now. Darian knew, too. That explains why he would always ask how Matt was doin' all the time. I remember him being happy when I told him that me and Solange would be stayin' with him.
So everyone knows about this except me and Solange. That's just fuckin' great. I've been lied to! By my family! What type of bullshit is that?! Why wouldn't they tell me that? This doesn't make any sense.
I laid in the bed and I thought. I thought about all the possible reasons why no one told us the truth. None of them were excusable. I should have been informed regardless. I don't care what the reason was. This should been brought to my attention. I can't help but think about my Dad and what he had goin' on back then.
Tears formed in my eyes. I don't even know why I'm crying. It's makin' more mad. I cried until I gave myself a headache.
Eventually, I fell asleep wit' my face buried in the pillow. That's the way I woke up. I sighed as I lifted my body from the bed. I heard Matt's voice comin' from outside of the room and instantly got angry. I walked into the livin' room to see Solange, Matt, and Auntie sittin' on the couch.
"Hey, Gis. You're finally awake." Matt said smilin'.
"I thought we were close." I said.
"What chu mean?" He chuckled. "We are."
"Apparently." I smirked. "Closer than I thought."
"Huh?" He said lookin' confused.
"I thought that we could tell each other any and everything." Matt looked at his mom and Solange in confusion.
"What are you talkin' about?"
"You should be able to come to me and tell me anything. It hurts that you kept something like this from me."
He sat up straight. "I haven't kept anything from you."
I frowned and titled my head to the left. "And now you're lyin' to me?"
"Giselle, I have no reason to lie to you."
"Well it must be very deep for you to keep something like this from me."
"Keep what from you? I keep it one hundred wit'chu about everything."
"Oh? I beg to differ."
"About what?" He asked, gettin' irritated.
"It all makes sense now. The two of us goin' to the same school. Me, you, and Solange havin' big ears. The three of us likin' and dislikin' the same food. The fact you and Solange have the same birth mark. The fact that your middle is his first, and your first is his middle. All the similarities, they tripped me out. We share a lotta things, Kenneth, but us havin' the same dad never crossed my mind."
Solange's eyes nearly popped outta her head as she released a shocked gasp. She looked at me and I knew that she was tryin' to piece it all together. That's probably the same expression I had.
"How... did you.." Matt trailed off. He looked at me as if he were tryin' to find the words to say and tryin' to figure how I found out.
"Next time, hide your birth certificate." I spat.
"My birth certificate?" He frowned a bit. "How did you get that?"
"Are you serious?! Is that really important?"
"No." He answered timidly. "I was just wonderin'."
"How long have you known?" Aggressively I asked.
"I've always known." He admitted shamefully.
"Wow.." I shook my head. "All this time. You knew all this time." I said bitterly. He stood up and took a step towards me. I took a step back. I wasn't in the mood to be touched, especially not by him.
"All this time, Kenneth? So, from the day you were placed in my class in kindergarten. You knew that we have some of the same blood runnin' through our bodies? You knew that we were brother and sister!" I frowned tryin' to make sense of it. I just couldn't understand.
"Yes, but at the time I didn't understand the situation. He told me that he would be the one to you guys."
"Yeah well.. He didn't get the chance to."
"I'm sorry-"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't know how. I couldn't just come to you and say that I'm your brother. You would have thought that I was crazy."
"You could have explained that your mom and my... Our dad-whatever- they had relations, or whatever the case was. It's simple!"
"No. It wasn't."
"Why wasn't it?"
"You wouldn't want to know a few things."
"A few things? Like what?"
"I'm sorry for not tellin' you guys-"
"Were you ever goin' to tell us?"
"I honestly don't know." He sadly shrugged his shoulders. "I was afraid of tellin' you."
"What is there to be afraid of? We've been friends for so long. What did you think would happen?"
"I know that, but still, it's a sensitive subject."
"Ya think?! I'm strong enough to handle it. Considerin' what has happened to me, I can handle anything."
"The time was never right to tell you. You were always deallin' wit' something."
I rolled my eyes."That is a recycled excuse and you know that."
"It's the truth."
"No! It's not."
"You want the truth?"
"No, Kenneth. Continue lyin' to me." He sighed.
"It's not my place to tell you-"
"Right. Just like it wasn't your place to tell me that we're brother and sister."
"I wanted to tell you. I really did." I rolled my eyes.
"If you wanted to, then you would have."
"I'm extremely sorry-"
"What's the truth? I wanna know! You've kept enough secrets."
"He was planned on divorcin' your mom when I was born. He signed the papers, but she didn't-"
"That doesn't make any sense. He was home wit' my mom, wit' us." I said as I thought about my Dad bein' home wit' my mom. I tried to figure out how all of this was possible.
How in the world is this my reality?
"I know. That's why I said it's not my place to tell you."
"Who told you that?"
"I over heard my mom talkin' about it." Matt looked at Auntie. She was like.. frozen in shock that this had been revealed. Auntie slept my Dad and had Matt. She was like a second mother to me and Solange.
"This is too much." I stormed outta the livin' room to get my keys from the bedroom. I left wit'out speakin' to anyone. Auntie was callin' my name as I was walkin' to the front door. I ignored her, though. She yelled after me but I kept it pushin'. I should have spoken to my sister and I realized that when I got into my car.
Sent to Solange: I'm sorry for leaving you like that. I just couldn't stay in there.
Received from Solange: It's okay 😔 We can talk when you get back.
Sent to Solange: Okay.
Received from Solange: Where are you going?
Sent to Solange: The beach, probably.
Received from Solange: Okay. Be safe and smart. I love you, big sis.
Sent to Solange: 😘 I love you, too.
I placed my phone on my lap and turned the key in the ignition. Rihanna's "Half Of Me" just started. I turned it up and pulled off the street. I drove in circles are the same few blocks. I didn't want to go far, but I wanted to drive. Just drive, listen to music and get my mind off this shit.
It didn't work. My thoughts were louder than the music.
Driving aimlessly for maybe fifteen minutes, I pulled into a Tam Burger's parkin' lot. I grabbed my phone and scrolled down my contacts until I reached "Big Head". I pressed the phone icon. After the seventh ring. He answered.
"Hello?" He answered happily and I almost smiled at the sound of his voice.
"..Hi."
"Hey." He greeted plainly. "You still mad at me?"
I sighed sadly. "I was never mad. I can't be mad."
"Then what were you?" He asked, genuinely wantin' to know.
"I'm disappointed."
"Still?"
"Yes. It only happened last night."
"Okay, but you said that you forgave me."
"For forgettin' my game, yes. I'm disappointed for other reasons." I could hear people talkin' in background. It sounds like his dad and his stepmom, I might be wrong.
"Aight, we can talk about it later." He said distantly.
"Later?" I questioned in disbelief. Shawn didn't respond. I could tell that he was listenin' to whoever was talkin'. I couldn't make out what was bein' said, though.
"Okay." He said. "Yeah, Bey. I'ma call you back."
"That's not even why I called. I wanted to talk you about something completely different." I was still upset wit' him but I could put that aside to vent about Matt. I thought he would actually listen.
"Aight. I'ma call you later and you can tell me."
"You always say that." I said sadly.
"I fell asleep that time. I'm sorry. I won't this time."
"But I.." I sighed. "Okay. Have fun."
"Aight." He chuckled. "Bye." Before I could pull the phone away from my face, Shawn ended the call. I sighed sadly. I got out of the car and went inside. Once I got my food, I called Amari.
"Hello?" He answered after the second ring.
"Hey." Softly, I greeted. "Can you meet me at Tam's?"
"Are you okay?"
"...Yes. Can you?"
"You hesitated, Bey. What's wrong? Are you physically hurt?" He asked in a panic.
"No."
"When do you want me to meet you?
"Right now, if you're not busy."
"Hollup." The line when silent for a moment. I guess he put me on mute or called someone.
"Bey, I'm on my way."
"Thank you." While I waited for Amari, I ate and surprisingly enjoyed my food. Matt called me, but I let it go to voicemail. Right after, Auntie called. She called me three more times, back to back. I ignored every single call and waited for her voicemail, but she didn't leave one, surprisingly.
It wasn't long before Amari arrived. I watched him as he stepped out of the car. He was dropped off by his "friends", guys from his hood.
"Hey." Amari greeted me, soundin' concerned. He pulled me from my seat and pulled me into a hug. A tight, warm hug.A much needed hug, and he didn't even know.
"What's wrong?" He asked he hugged me. I let go of the hug and sat back down. Amari sat down next to me. He looked at me and waited for me to speak. I looked down at the food wrappin' on my tray.
"Hoow would you feel... if you found out that your best friend was your brother or sister?"
"I mean, it all depends." He said as if he were steppin' on egg shells for my feelings.
"On what?" I looked up at him.
"How I found out. If were together or something and we both find out. That's fine, I guess. It's a different story if they knew and didn't say anything."
"That's how I feel.."
"Is Matt your brother?"
"Yeah."
"Wow." I could tell that Amari didn't know what to say. He didn't want to say the wrong thing. I knew that.
"How did you find out?"
"I saw his birth certificate."
"So he just pulled it out like 'here, read this shit'." He questioned angrily.
"No. I found it."
"You found it?" He gave me a look a why are you snoopin'? look.
"Don't look at me like that." I said softly.
"Like what, ma? When you go lookin' for dirt, you find it. However the stupid sayin' goes."
"But I wasn't snoopin'. I had no reason to snoop. I was lookin' for a watch."
"And you found a birth certificate?"
"Yup."
"That's hella crazy." He said shakin' his head.
"I know. We have the same Dad." I confessed knowin' that he would ask.
"What about your older brother and sister?"
"All four of us have the same dad. Matt just has a different mom."
"Does he know that you know?
"Yes. He has known all of this time. He said nothing."
"Why though?" Amari frowned a bit. He couldn't understand either.
"He said that my dad was supposed to tell me, but he isn't here anymore. He hasn't been here since I was four years old." I looked at him and he looked at me. He sat quietly, waitin' for me to speak again. Amari is a great a listener, that's what he'll do.
Listen to me.
"He said that he didn't know how to tell me. That I would have thought he was crazy. The timin' was never right because of what I goin' through. It's complicated and that wasn't his place to tell me."
"What's complicated?"
"I guess the situation with my dad and his mom." I paused. Our parents."
"What happen?"
"Apparently, my dad wasn't happy wit' my mom. He planned on divorcin' her. He signed the papers but she didn't."
"That doesn't make sense."
"Same thing that I said. He was always home, well not always but you get the picture. When did he have time to be in another relationship?"
"Is that what really upsets you?"
"What?"
"You have a great memory of your parents from when you were just four years old. As kids, our parents are our heroes or whatever. They can do anything, expect for wrong. Knowin' what you know now about him, that hurts.."
"I mean... Honestly, yeah."
"You and Matt have been callin' each other brother and sister. I don't see you bein' upset because of the facts."
"The fact he didn't tell us is just.. stupid."
"There's never going to be a good time to reveal a secret or shockin' news. People deserve to know the truth, no more how bad or strange it might be."
"Exactly."
"Maybe you should talk to your mom." Amari suggested.
"For whar?"
"To understand more."
"I'm not sure that I even wanna know."
"You're just stubborn and don't wanna talk to her."
"Not true."
"Is it true. You wouldn't have asked if you didn't wanna know. I really think you should consider visitin' your mom."
"Maybe."
"Like.. Reaaaaally think about it."
"I think I will."
"I'd even ride with you."
"Really?" I smiled. "That's sweet of you, but you don't have to. I'm sure my sister would go with me. If I go."
"So, what are you gonna do now?"
"About Matt? There's nothin' I can do but accept it."
"I was hopin' you would say that." I shrugged.
"I'm still mad."
"That's fine. Just don't hold grudges"
"I'm not. Thanks for comin' and listenin'."
"That's what friends are for, right?" He smiled at me and I tried not to smile back, but I couldn't hold it.
"Right. Enough about me. Onto you. How are you?" I asked.
"I'm good."
"What have you been up to?"
"Uuuh. Nothin'."
"Liar."
"Aight. I had to put some work in." He admitted.
"If you hadn't come just now, I'd be extremely mad for you blowin' me off."
"I'm here when it matters."
"Yeah." I looked down at my tray. "Unlike some people." I mumbled.
"Ya boy still fuckin' up-"
"He's not fuckin' up." I said.
"Then what do you call it?"
"He's just... busy." I defended.
"Doin' what?"
"I don't know." I shrugged. "Wit' his siblings, his new family, I guess. I don't know."
"What happen this time?"
"Same old same. Sayin' he'll call me back and doesn't. I understand that he's with his family or whatever, but what about me?" I paused. "Ya know? I was.. Never mind."
"No. Go ahead. Say what's on your mind."
"I don't wanna sound ignorant, selfish, or anything like that, but, I was here before them, and he's just pushin' me to the back burner."
"Tell him."
"I can only say something so many times."
"So why you do keep botherin' him? Do you have hope that things will change or something?"
"Yes. I don't know why- it's stupid."
"I don't think it's stupid. You're human, Bey. Everyone is different, but it's natural to feel the way you do. Just give it time, ma. But not too much." He warned.
"How much is too much?"
"I don't know. I don't think there's a set time frame. It's really up to you. When you get fed up wit' not bein' appreciated and treated the way you want and deserve then you just let him go, and do you."
"But is there even a way that I should be treated? We're not together."
"Yeah, I think so. The least he can do is be a good friend to you. He should be and want to be cautious of your feelings and shit."
"I guess so."
"How's therapy goin'?" He changed the subject.
"It's goin' good, really good. When I started, I didn't think that I would ever look forward the sessions."
He smiled. "So it's helpin' you?"
"Yeah. In different ways."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah."
"Why did it you change?" I feel like Amari genuinely cares about me and wants me to be okay. He just dropped whatever he was doin' to come see me and be here for me. I feel like I can open up to him.
"Bein' sexually assaulted can take a lot outta you."
"That happened to you?" He asked sadly.
"Yeah."
"You're always smilin' and happy. I would have never thought."
"A smile hides a lot, I guess." I shrugged my shoulders.
"Yeah. Do you mind me askin'-" I cut him off and explained how and why. Who did it, and how it happen. Everything. I explained everything. It felt good to talk about and to burst into tears. Amari cringed a little as he listened, but, he listened.
"I'm sorry that happened to you, ma. What happen to the guys that did that to you?"
"One is dead and the other one is in prison tryin' to stay alive."
"He died in jail?"
"Yeah. He was beaten to death."
"Sounds about right."
"But I would never wish death upon anybody."
"You're so strong. I really admire that." I looked into his eyes and actually saw admiration. It brought a smile to my face.
"So, how is school?" I asked.
"It's good. This zero period shit is crazy, but I haven't missed a day yet."
I smiled. "Aaaaaaw. That's great! I'm so proud of Mari!"
"Thank you, thank you. It's just hard. Ya know?"
"What is?"
"Leavin' my hood."
"Would you rather leave voluntarily or involuntarily?"
"Come on, ma-"
"Which one?" I pressed.
"You already know the answer."
"Alright then. Think about your future and stop gamblin' your life."
"I'm workin' on it. I can't stay in LA."
I sighed. "I know. You have to lay low."
"I've been thinkin' about Fresno state."
"Good school. Great choice."
"I sent them my test scores and what not."
"Uh oh! I'm proud of you, monkey."
He chuckled. "Thank you, ugly."
Amari and I talked in Tam'z for a few hours. We talked our future. How many kids we wanted. Our careers and life goals. Clothes. Shoes. College. Everything.
I drove him home afterwards.
"Thank you again for comin'." I said after we hugged in front of my car.
"Whatever you need, ma. I always got'chu." Amari pinched my cheek and smiled which caused me to smile. The sounds of obnoxiously loud music blared from a car speedin' down the street caught our attention. Immediately, Amari pulled me behind him, shieldin' me whatever he thought would happen. He's so protective.
"A1!" I heard as a car pulled up next to mine. We looked into the gray Acura full of boys dressed in blue.
"Let's go, cuhz! Lil boogie got jacked!"
"By who, cuh?!" Amari asked anxiously.
"Some slobs, cuh. We bouta go get dese niggas." Amari attempted to walk away and into the car. I prevented him from doin' so by grabbin' his arm. He looked down at his arm then up at me.
"What are you doin'??" I asked.
"I know, I know, I know." He rushed out loud enough for only me to hear as he closed the gap between us. It was to keep what we were about to say between us and not the homies in the car.
"No." I told him. "Apparently, you don't."
"Let's go!" One of them said impatiently.
"I'ma hit you later. Aight, ma?"
"Amari.." I can't believe we just had this conversation and now this. "Don't."
"Come on, ma. Not now." He said lowly.
"You don't have to go." I said practically pleadin' him not to.
"That's my homie-"
"I know but think about your life, like we just did. I don't have a good a feelin' about this."
"I'ma call you tonight, aight?"
"Mari, I don't want you to go." I softly admitted, hopin' that it would change his mind. It only changed his facial expression. He looked as if he was conflicted about gettin' in the car and intrigued by my confession. I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want my time wit' him to end. I was truly enjoying his company, conversation and his comfort. I always do. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that we could extend the time we were spendin' together. I wish I would have, because now he's about to go on this dangerous mission. I really didn't want him to get in that car and leave. My heart is literally poundin' through my chest for a number of reasons.
"You wastin' time! Let's go, my nigga!"
"Y'all go head." Amari said and I was so relieved. "I gotta take her home."
"The bus runs 'til eleven-thirty. She gon' aight. Let's go."
"See what I mean?" Amari pointed out. "I can't just not go."
"Kiss ya girl and let's handle bidness, locc." Amari placed his lips on my cheek and held them there longer than I expected. It wasn't extremely long but I thought it would be a quick peck. He pulled away from my cheek and kissed my forehead. When he pilled his lips from my forehead, I watched him get into the backseat of the car. For a brief moment, we locked eyes before the car sped off down the street. Very brief, but I noticed his cry for "help" in his eyes. A cry for help, but still I love this look in his eyes.
I watched the car disappear down the street. Now that I'm scared for him, I won't be able to relax 'til he calls me later. If we had waited another minute to leave Tam's he wouldn't be in this situation. Yeah sure, he put himself in the gang, but now he wants out.
The ride back home was okay. I drove in silence, because my thought were all the music that I needed. I parked my car in the driveway, and sighed before gettin' out of the car.
"Beyoncé." Auntie called my name as soon as I walked in the door. Damn, she looks pissed. I probably should've answered her call.
"Yes?" I responded as I closed and locked the door.
"Sit down." Sternly, she said. I sat down next to her.
"I know you're upset and feeling some type of way, but that will be the last time you leave here like that and not answer your phone. Do you understand me?"
"Yeah."
"What?"
"Yes, Auntie. I understand." I corrected.
"Good. Where did you go?"
"Tam's wit' Amari."
"For all of these hours?"
"Yes. I drove around for a minute then went to Tam's."
Auntie nodded her head and took a deep breath. "Bey, I apologize for what happened and not telling you. I know you probably hate me now."
"..I don't hate you. I'm just mad, but I couldn't hate you." I admitted.
"Well, how do you feel?"
"Like someone should have opened their mouth. I wanna know what happened. My dad is dead, and my mom is locked up. Who am I supposed to ask?"
"I'm going to be completely honest."
"That's what I want." Auntie sighed before openin' her mouth to speak.
"Your father and I started dating when things went left at home. I know it's terrible but that's the truth."
"What went wrong? I'm sure you know."
"Drugs."
"My dad?"
"No."
"My...mom?"
"..Yeah."
"Soo.." I paused. "my Mom has always been on drugs?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Okay.. And?" I said because I wanted her to continued.
"That's why he wanted to get a divorce-"
"And to be with you, right?"
"Uuuh." She hesitated. "Yeah, I suppose."
"So why was he always at home then?"
"You guys needed him more than anything."
"I don't remember any of this."
"You were just a baby, that's expected."
"Me and Matt goin' to the same school. That wasn't a coincident, was it?"
"No, it wasn't. He wanted you two to know each other before introducing you guys."
"That turned out well, right?"
She touched my arm."Bey-"
"It's cool-"
"It's not cool. I know that you want to say something." She said softly.
"Thank God for my therapist."
"You can talk to me, ya know?"
"Then I wouldn't have anything to talk to Monica aboyt. Plus I just did." She sighed.
"Does Solange know what I know?" I asked.
She nodded. "I told her."
"Do you know why my brother and my mom don't get along?"
"You have to ask your mom."
"I figured you would say that."
"You should go visit her." She encouraged.
"I'm thinkin' about it."
"Are you leaning towards 'yes'?"
"Maybe, I don't know just yet."
"I think it would be good for you."
"Everyone feels that way except for me."
"Maybe it's true."
"I guess."
"Besides what's going on in here, what's wrong with you?"
"Nothin', I'm fine." Auntie didn't believe me and I understand why. I didn't sound convincin'. Auntie stood up from the couch.
"Okay. I won't bother you too much. If you need me, I'll be in my room."
"Alright." She planted a kiss on my forehead and left the livin' room. What's up wit' these forehead kisses? First Amari now Auntie. I leaned back on the couch, after kickin' my shoes off. The TV is on, so that's what I'll do 'til I hear from Amari.
Flippin' through the channels, I realized how much television sucks these days. Like, VH1 is terrible. All these different Love and Hip Hops. Only one cast member on each show is actually known in the music industry. Everyone else is a nobody. Oh! Not the Hollywood show! Everyone on that show has or had a music career. But the show in general is completely scripted. Nothin' but catty drama between grown adults and everyone sleepin' wit' the same people. Mona Scott Young should be ashamed of herself, in my opinion.
Anyways, I ended up watchin' Love and Basketball on BET. They play this movie to death! It made me think of Shawn. We had the love and basketball thing goin' on, but that ended when I got shot. I bet he doesn't call me back. I don't know why I get my hopes up.
"Giselle." I heard Matt call. I looked up at him briefly then back at the TV.
"What?" I said while lookin' at the TV.
"Can we talk?"
"Bout what?"
"You already know."
"No. I don't, but you sure did."
"I'm sorry."
"Whatever. I don't even care anymore." I shrugged my shoulders.
"I should have told you-" He was walkin' towards me.
"I don't care. Leave me alone."
"We both live here. We have to talk some time."
"That time isn't right now." Matt got the hint and left me alone. For an hour, I watched TV. I wasn't really into it, it was just on. My phone rang, and "Big Head" appeared on my screen.
"Hello." I answered.
"Told you I would call you back."
"I'm surprised."
"What?" He questioned cluelessly.
"You always say that you'll call me back but never do."
"Yes I do, babe. Why are you always over exaggeratin'?"
"I'm not, but whatever." I said dryly.
He sighed. "What are you doin'?"
"Watchin' TV, waitin' for Amari to call me. You?"
"Who is that?" With an attitude, he asked.
"I told you already."
"This that same nigga that's buyin' flowers and shit?"
"Congratulations flowers." I corrected.
"So you just gon' keep makin' me feel bad about forgettin'?"
"You said it, not me."
He sucked his teeth. "Whatever, man. Why are you waitin' for him?"
"Because something happened and now I'm worried."
"What happen?"
"Nothing. You wouldn't understand."
"If you don't wanna tell me, that's coo."
"Its not that. He's tryin' to.. Never mind. It's hard to explain."
"Don't sweat it. Where you know him from?"
"Church."
"Ohh. Do you like him or something?"
"Why do you ask that?"
"I mean 'cause you sound mad worried. I've never heard you sound the way you do right now- not even towards me."
"No. I don't like him."
"I don't believe you."
"Um, why not?"
"Because any other time I asked about a nigga, you don't hesitate to deny it. But now, you're askin' questions. Like you're tryin' to figure out what gave that impression that you like him because you were tryin' to mask the attraction."
"We're just friends." I told him.
"You didn't answer the question. And that's the same thing we used to say." He replied nonchalantly.
"Oh Lord. This is totally different, Shawn."
"Yeah? How so?"
"Me and you actually liked each other. It was painfully obvious, not to us but to everyone else. Me and Amari? We're literally friends that help each other."
"Wit' what?"
"What we're goin' through."
"And what's that?" I sighed.
"Life."
"What kinda bullshit answer is that?"
I groaned. "You wanted an answer, and I gave you one."
"That wasn't an answer."
"You just don't understand it, that's why. What happens in life, Shawn?"
"A buncha bullshit." He answered dryly.
"Exactly. Tough times and we're helpin' each other get through them."
"Why do you need his help? Why can't I help you?"
"Well if you wouldn't put me on the back burner then maybe you could!" I spat bitterly.
"I don't put you on the back burner!"
"Yes you do! There's always have a reason why you can't talk to me, or you just forget."
"Bey-"
"I'm dealin' with a lot and you have no idea at all!"
"Because you got Lamar now! You don't need me anymore."
"You never around! And that's not even his name!"
"I don't care."
"Thanks for statin' the obvious."
"You took that the wrong way. I care about you. I don't care for that nigga."
"You don't know him."
"I don't need to."
"You're ridiculous."
"How?"
"You're more concerned about him, than you are me."
"I'm waitin' for you tell me."
"I don't even know where to start."
"Wherever you're comfortable."
"I got into a fight-"
"Did you win?!"
I rolled my eyes. "Could you just shuddup and lemme finish?"
"Go head."
"Wit' my mom-"
"Why?" He used to be a good listener, before he moved to New York.
"You can't listen if you keep talkin'."Shawn kept his mouth closed while I explained why I fought my mom. He was so quiet, I had to make sure he was still there. I was about to tell him where I was livin' and go into Matt bein' trash, but Amari's call prevented me from doin' so.
"Lemme call you back." I told him quickly.
"Why?!" He asked aggressively. I guess he already knew why.
"Amari is callin' me."
"Are you fuckin' serious, yo?"
"Shawn, it's not like that."
"You're dead ass choosin' that nigga over me?? It is like that!"
"It's not a matter of pickin' someone-"
"Yes it is! You're choosin' to talk your friend, over me."
"Me and you are just friends, or did you forget?"
"Exactly!! Friends that were in a relationship a few months ago. It's coo, though. Talk to your friend, Beyoncé." Shawn said sarcastically and bitterly then ended the call.
"Hello?" I answered Amari's call.
"Hey." He sounded so sad. Man, I feel so bad for him.
"Are you okay?" I asked softly.
"This shit is gettin' old, ma. I wanna get my mind off it."
"What is?"
"Losin' homies."
"I'm sorry about your friend."
He chuckled bitterly. "Crazy part is, Boogie is alive. He's in here but, he's breathin' on his own. Deuce is gone."
"It's gettin' old, Bey. This is the part that I hate. Stealin' shit, gettin' money, and bein' respected.. That's good, but seein' blood pour from my nigga is the worse part." He vented.
"We packed them niggas out for jackin my nigga. Took their shoes and shit. I told cuh... Let's go. We got what we came for. Naaaah. He wanted more. I understood 'cause that's his cousin. His flesh and blood, and he wanted more." He took a deep breath.
"Some slobs came around the corner and sprayed us. Well, just Deuce." He smirked.
"I'm really sorry."
"I really want this shit to be over with."
"It will when you go away to college."
"I'm prayin' that I make it that far."
"You gotta stop."
"It's not that easy. They know where I live. LA isn't that big."
"I want you to make it to graduation, and I'm gonna make sure that you do by all means necessary."
"Nah. It's my fault. I got myself in, I'll get myself out."
"I'm gonna help you."
"You don't have to-"
"We could hang out at the library until it closes. Do homework and stuff. Then you could come over until it gets late.. Just.. Whatever it takes, okay?"
"You really care that much?"
"That's what I said about you."
"I never had that before."
"Well now you do. We both do."
"You should apply to Frenso.. I mean.. If I do get in, I wanna know somebody. You don't have to if you don't want to. It's just a nice city.. Ya know?"
"I'll do it tomorrow."
"Word?"
"Word." I mocked him.
"Naaaah. You gotta chill, ma." We laughed.
"Is your homework done?" I asked.
"No, mother. It's not."
"Well, hop to it, son."
"It's the furthest thing from my mind right now."
"It's your way out, and it will take your mind off of the stress."
"Shit. Homework is stress."
"It will all be worth it in thee end."
"I hope you're right, ma."
"I am, now go get your backpack." I heard him moving around, tellin me that he getting his things.
"Just call me back when you're finished."
"Could you stay on the phone instead?"
"How are you gonna hold the phone and write?"
"I have earphones."
"Oh, right. Okay, I could do that."
"Is your homework done?"
"I do need to read for Multi lit. Thanks for remindin' me."
"No problem." I went to get my backpack and earphones from the room, then went back to the livin' room. Amari started mumblin' numbers, he's clearly doin' his math homework.
I laid back on the couch, and placed my phone my chest then began readin'. It was like we were in the same room. We finished our homework, and ended up talkin'until we fell asleep.