Novel by Lady-Senpai
Genre: Fantasy
Hello it's me! Coming at you with another warning for the author... yeah I know.
This review is a bit harsh. If your not open to honest yet helpful criticism I recommend you don't read the review for your story. However its really not that bad. So enjoy!
Cover: I love it! It's so simple but beautiful. The Girl on the cover really catches people's attention because of how beat up she is and the just cover in general catches people's attention as well :)
Title: It's unique I'll give you that and it's really fun to say as well. It sounds like a tropical drink :) I like it.
Summary (story description):
First things first. Always capitalize God.
And second of all this description seems a bit bland -no not bland- more like oddly specific. You practically described what occurs in the first few chapters. I just feel like you need to word it differently so it's more eye-catching to the audience (people scrolling through libraries looking for something to read)
I recommend incorporating a hook at the beginning of the summary so your description won't be so, for the lack of words, formal.
I'm not sure if that made sense...
Characters: I got nothing.
I mean I enjoy your characters but you lack description! Description! You need your characters to come to life! Describe them more, show us who these people are! I want to be able to connect with Raava's confusion when she arrives back on earth. I want to be able to visualize the look on her face!
When dealing with improving your characters as an author it's actually extremely simple. Since you created these characters you need to start thinking how you want everyone else to view them.
Plot: I read 5 chapters of the story and it was alright. The flow of the story was nice and the events that occurred in those chapters was also really nice, but (yeah I know you were waiting for the but) there's so much dialogue! And practically zilch description! ¡Nada!
For instance the Dragon attack in Chapter 4 was boring. I know I sound like a bitch right now, but that's not the point. The point is you didn't describe the Dragon. The readers want to know how the Dragon looks. They want to know if it's tail is spiky, if it's green, if it's eyes look psychotic, and etc.
You also have trouble describing the actual setting. For instance Ospar's castle wasn't described once. I as a reader want to know how his place looks like. Is it covered in gold with red velvet curtains and marble tables?
Readers need description in order to be pulled into the story; they need description in order to visualize this fictional place.
Don't feel bad. I myself am terrible with descriptions, but I've taught myself to use them better than I used to. I recommend starting off small. Grab a notebook and just walk around your house, or neighborhood and jot down what you see.
For instance if your at the park you might want to jot down the fact that there's children laughter in the air and that the grass is a beautiful shade of green that sparkles with morning dew. Write down how the sun warms up your skin and the sound your feet make as you walk down the sidewalk. If you do this then your brain will eventually begin to do it on its own whenever your writing.
I know it's sounds like a lot if work and very boring, but it helps a lot.
Grammar: You did have quite a few grammar mistakes throughout the five chapters I read. Most are repeated throughout the story so you'll have to go back and make sure these are fixed.
The screenshot, removed from Chapter One, above has two things fixed. The first one is located on the first sentence which didn't make much sense. It'll make more sense if you add the "to her" into that sentence as shown above.
Now the second mistake deals with past and present tenses. You wrote the last sentence in past tense since the word "looked" is past tense and because it is, the word "see" should also be past tense. So change "see's" to "saw" In order for the sentence to make sense.
Another huge mistake you have in your story deals with the way you format your paragraphs. Whenever your characters are having a conversation you always want to press enter whenever someone new speaks. It's just the formal and correct way to write.
Look at the screenshot below.
There's two different colors in that paragraph and each color represents the different character that is speaking. You don't want to stuff different characters into one single paragraph. Instead separate them like this:
"It's a Manthian!" Thomas recalled. "If we run now, we'll lose him!"
"We're not running away." Raava said sternly as she pulled out her sword. The boar began to run towards them. Raava looked at the beast dead in the eye and stood her position.
"H-Hey lady, he's coming!" Raava focused...
You get what I'm trying to say. By separating them like a that makes it easier to read and the readers won't get so confused. The screenshot I took was only one small example. In some of your paragraphs you had like four people talking! I was so confused. I had to read over them again just to make sure I knew who was talking. Sometimes even that didn't help.
If you have any questions about that feel free to PM me and I'll explain further :)
Other info and/or opinions:
· Having the picture of Tomas in the middle of Chapter One isn't necessary. It actually ruined the flow of the story.
· I loved your prologue!
Note from me!
So your story does need a bit of work, but I like where's it's going. It was actually very interesting to read, just make sure to add description. And edit those chapters :)
Not satisfied with your review PM me and we'll talk about whether I should remove it or not :)
-Esmer