CAMILA
The universe doesn't give you many favors. It gives you your soulmate's name, which I suppose is nice, but good luck ever finding them. It isn't impossible, though a lot of times people don't. Instead they find someone to fall in love with on their own and they walk with an air of arrogance claiming they chose their own love and the universe doesn't dictate their life (and maybe it doesn't). Sometimes they just settle, and there's a bitterness and longing that lingers in knowing that you're not someone's everything - that there will always be something missing. And there are a few who choose the solitude, determined to only ever be with their soulmate, whether they find each other or not - usually not.
Then there are the ones who do find each other, who meet and everything suddenly makes sense. It's like everything you read about and see in movies. And then they get to start their happily ever after, getting through every fight and every challenge together because there's no more doubt. They've found 'the one.'
My parents were the lucky ones and for a while I really believed that.
--
When I was seven I asked my parents for a baby sister and all they did was smile and kiss my cheek.
"One day soon, mija," my mom had always said.
'Soon' turned out to be three years later when I'm in sixth grade and the leaves are turning colors. Mami was already three months along when they told me and the next six couldn't happen fast enough. That Halloween we picked out pumpkins to carve and paint colors for the nursery. That Christmas all the presents my mother got were baby clothes and diapers.
I was impatient, asking my mom at least once every few weeks if the baby was ready to come out yet. Mami just smiled and said "Soon, mija."
I fussed at her every time she would come home from the doctor's, ecstatic over the ultrasound pictures she'd bring back. I would nod my head every time she pointed out where the baby was, when in reality all I saw were grey blobs. But she was convinced there was a baby in the picture and who was I to tell my mother she was wrong.
My eleventh birthday passed and my parents joked that they didn't have to get my anything that year because they're already giving me a sister. I didn't join in, instead I had stomped my foot and fussed that they were three years late. They laughed a little harder before bringing out a new bike for me and I squealed. I hugged and kissed them, reassuring that I didn't mean it when I said they were a couple of scrubs. I hugged my mom's swollen tummy gently, quietly promising my future sister that I'd teach her how to ride a bike when she's big enough and we'd own the streets together.
It's Valentine's day that I notice my father's tattoo doesn't look the same. I was hugging him goodbye as they left me with the babysitter so him and mami could go on a date. Gross. His sleeves were cuffed and I could plainly see his wrist when he put me down. The letters spelling 'Sinuhe' looked as if they were blurred around the edges and when his eyes followed my gaze all he did was give me a reassuring smile.
"We'll be back soon, mija." I don't think anything of it, instead spending the whole night telling my babysitter what games I'd play with my sister when she's finally here.
April 1st rolls around and my parents were never ones for practical jokes but my dad doesn't take it all too seriously when mami yells during dinner that her water just broke.
"Ha ha very funny," he had said with slight amusement. "April Fools to you too, baby."
"Tonto, I'm nine months along and you think I'm joking? Take me to the hospital now," she demanded, no laughter in her tone. It was 9:34 PM and we were rushing to the hospital while my dad reminds mami to breathe.
"Lo sé, Alejandro," she emphasized. She was the pregnant one after all, I figured she knew what to do.
She was in labor for seven hours and on the 2nd of April at 3:57 AM, Sofia Cabello officially came into the world as my little sister.
But then she was in surgery for two hours and on the 2nd of April at 6:13 AM, Sinuhe Cabello was officially declared dead. There was too much blood loss, they couldn't stop it in time.
At eleven years old I understood the remorse in the doctor's voice and I understood my father's choked sobs. But at just eleven I couldn't understand why gaining Sofi meant losing my mom or why the tattoo of her name on dad's wrist was suddenly smudged and illegible. All I know was that it hurt.
It hurt watching my dad build himself up each morning to take care of us, only to break down the minute he'd settle into an empty bed every night. It ached to see Sofi stare so longingly at mom's pictures around the house. It stung to see my father's smile never reach his eyes and for his laugh to always sound so hollow. It was troubling to see him put food on the table yet rarely eat with us and later tuck us in only to hear his muffled cries behind closed doors. It crushed me to see his heart be so full of love for me and Sofi yet his soul so empty without mom.
At fifteen I realized that my parents weren't the lucky ones, it wasn't a favor from the universe that they find each other. It was a cruel game, for them to meet and look forward to forever when one of them was running on borrowed time.
At fifteen I became Camila Cabello, the girl who grew up too fast with not enough and at the same time too much to handle. At fifteen I realized that finding my soulmate was the last thing I wanted to do.
--
DECEMBER 2019
I drop my bags by the front door and I barely finish hugging my dad when I hear a familiar voice from the stairs.
"Kaki!" A smallish body jumps into my arms and I'm suddenly wrapped in tiny limbs and a mess of hair in my face.
"Wow, okay. You've definitely gotten bigger," I huff as I hold onto Sofi. She ignores my comment and hugs me tighter, a muffled 'I miss you' said into my shoulder.
"I've missed you too, little one." I begin peppering her cheeks in kisses until I hear Sofi giggle and demand I stop.
"Okay, gross." She drops down to her feet, making a show of wiping her face with the back of her hand. "Yuck." I stick my tongue out at her and follow her into the kitchen with my dad right behind us.
"Kaki, I have so much to show you! I painted my room and papi bought me a new desk. Oh! There's also this drawing I did in art that I want you to see," Sofi's words all come out in one breath and I nod eagerly along with her. She's practically bouncing off the walls and I match her huge smile with one of my own.
"I can't wait to see it all, but how about you go upstairs and wait a few minutes while I grab a banana and talk to dad for a bit? Give me and him a chance to catch up, alright?"
Sofi is quick to say yes, bolting to her room to prepare everything and my smile never leaves my face as I watch her run up the stairs. Turning back around to face my father, who sits at the dining table and watching me with tired eyes. I briefly wonder how much sleep he's been getting. It's hardly improved over the years but he manages better these days. At least that's what my sister tells me.
"I'm glad you're home again, mija. This is the most excited I've seen Sofia in a while."
I shoot him an apologetic look. "I know, she's been texting me every other day for the past month about me coming home. I'm sorry I couldn't make the trip sooner. It's harder to take as much time off work and I've been considering starting grad school so it's been really hectic lately."
He holds his hand up at my statement. "Don't worry about that, we completely understand. We're just glad you managed to be here for a couple weeks this time," he reassures me. "I'm also glad because Sofi seems to be starting puberty already with how much she's grown and I was wondering..."
"Oh my god," my jaw drops as I understand what he's hinting at. "You haven't had the talk with Sofi yet?!"
He puts his hands up in defense and shrugs. "Your mother gave you the talk when it came time to it and I've read the parenting books but it's not the same. It's been decades since I've taken an anatomy class, I wouldn't be able to do 'the talk' any justice," dad throws me a pitiful look and I jokingly scoff.
"So you're just going to transfer all the hard work to me?" I almost falter at the mention of mom but instead laugh in disbelief and shake my head at my dad. He gives me a cheeky grin and though it's not as convincing as before, I'm just thankful that it's easier for him to smile now. I snack on a banana as he gives me an overview of what's been happening in my absence and I'm relieved to know Sofia seems to be doing well. She's making plenty of friends in school, she's doing well with her grades and she's cut down to only having pizza once a week (both a miracle and a travesty, if you ask me). It's when we get to the topic of my dad making new friends where it goes downhill.
"There's this friend of a co-worker I met at a holiday party a couple of weeks ago," he starts. "Her name is Clara."
"Okay..." I stiffen in my seat and my blood is suddenly rushing to my head, heartbeat pounding in my ears. 'Please tell me she's married,' I chant to myself while crossing my fingers.
"And she has a daughter."
I don't think before the words are out of my mouth. "Papi please don't tell me you tried to go for it with her."
He stares back at me for a second before realization dawns on him and his face shows shock. "Ay Dios mío, por supuesto que no!"
I throw my head back and nearly cackle, too amused with myself as he shakes his head, waiting for my laughter to die down. I take a deep breath and motion with my hand to encourage him to continue.
"Okay, sorry sorry," I giggle. "Please finish what you were saying. She has a daughter?"
He nods and meets my gaze, seemingly nervous now. "Her name is Lauren."
Every part of my body goes rigid and my blood runs cold for a moment while the tattoo under my collar bone feels as though it's burning. I take a few seconds to compose myself without breaking eye contact.
"Lauren isn't a very uncommon name, dad," I reply evenly.
"Clara told me that Lauren's tattoo says-"
"Papi, no. Please tell me you didn't say anything to her."
He brings his hand to his face and pinches the bridge of his nose before facing me again. "No, I didn't. But I wanted to tell you, maybe you'd change your mind if you saw her."
"Saw her?" I nearly start panicking right there, my father pulling out his phone and I almost reach across the table to smack it out of his hand.
"Yeah, Clara texted me a couple of pictures." He begins to turn the screen to me and I immediately cover it with my hand.
"I don't-" I pause to take the bite out of my tone. "I don't want to see her," I say much softer this time. "I don't want to meet her and I don't want her to know about me. No use in getting her hopes up just to be disappointed. I am fine as I am, but thank you." Pressing the power button on his phone to turn his screen off, I set his phone down. He sighs and purses his lips.
"All I'm hearing is that you don't want to be happy."
I avert my gaze from his and shift in my chair. 'All I'm trying to say is I don't want to end up like you,' I think to myself. I gulp loudly and the way his shoulders slump, I know that he understands what I won't say aloud.
"It won't be the end of the world, mija," my father sighs. "Life goes on."
I want to scoff, the urge to lash out is strong and I count to ten in my mind to stop myself. "Don't tell me that," I shake my head angrily. "Don't tell me that when you have two loving daughters who have done everything for you and you're still not happy. We're still not enough for you!"
I should've done more than count to ten, I guess.
"You know it's not like that," he argues.
"But it is, dad. I know you love us with all that's left of your heart but there's still so much of it missing and you know that." I fight back the tears as my voice goes low, on the verge of cracking. "I don't want to one day find myself loving everyone around me and still not have it be enough because so much of me was lost in someone else."
My dad's frown deepens and his jaw clenches but he says nothing. I worry that I've gone too far but it's too late to backpedal and I'm too proud to apologize.
"Can we just drop it?" I plead. He nods and avoids my gaze.
"I'm going to take Sofi to dinner later and we'll bring you back something, okay?"
He only nods again and I don't look back as I make my way up the stairs to Sofi's room.
--
LAUREN
I hum to myself as I wrap silverware, the monotonous work almost calming, a nice contrast between the back and forth that waiting tables requires. I'm on the last fifteen minutes of my shift at the diner and I am more than ready to go home and avoid my thesis work for school. I'm interrupted from my thoughts when my coworker approaches my table.
"The guy at table 7 just left me his number and I am at the point of getting a new nametag saying 'Raging Lesbian," Vero rants, plopping herself in the chair across from me to help roll silverware into napkins. "I need this Lucy chick to hurry on up, Lo. I'm getting old and wrinkly, I'm lonely at night, and I need that marriage license for insurance benefits, ya feel?"
At this I let out a loud laugh behind my hand, shaking my head as I bundle the silverware in the cloth.
"You're only twenty-three, Vero. You have four wrinkles at most."
"Lo, their growth is exponential! This is only the beginning." She wags a set of wrapped silverware at me with a distressed look and I roll my eyes at her.
"Right, of course."
I sympathized with Vero. I know she's making jokes now, but she's like the rest of us, wanting to be part of the lucky ones that find each other. She wants to start the rest of her life with Lucy Whoever and take the question out of everything. We all know the chances are small, a lot of us accepting the fact that we'll fall in love on our own with someone else and that's okay. Being meant for someone doesn't always mean being in their life, at least not in this universe, but there's always the sliver of hope that we're still going to find 'the one.'
"Hey Lauren," our manager Ally softly calls out to me. "I just sat a party of two at table ten. Could you just get their orders and I'll have Vero cover you when her break is done so you can go home?" She requests with a smile and I wouldn't say no even if she wasn't my boss. It's hard to deny anyone that's made of sunshine. I mock salute her and she playfully rolls her eyes before walking away.
I'm fishing through my apron for my pad and pen as I make my way to the table, but I suddenly stop when my eyes land on the party of two at the booth. There's two brunettes, sisters probably. One a young girl who looks to be around ten, speaking animatedly with the most captivating woman I've ever had the privilege to look at. Her hair is in a neat bun with loose strands that frame her face, and her smile is a little crooked, but her eyes are warm and all sorts of golden brown. She nods along with the all that the little girl says and my heart seems to swell at the clear adoration she shows.
When I was younger my mom had always told me that when I found my soulmate, something inside me would know. I would see them, I would feel it, and I would just know. And right now everything inside me knows, is sure that the rest of my life is with this girl wrapped in an olive green bomber jacket and a raspy laugh. Adrenaline rushes through me at the realization and I'm compelled to run towards her but I'm also frozen in fear.
What if it's not her?
Shit. No. This is it. I know it. I felt the thing like my mom said I would and this is it. She's it for me.
All I need now is to know her name and we can start forever together.
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath to steady myself before I finally begin to make slow and deliberate steps towards the table. The girl sees me approaching and turns to face me and I take another shaky breath. The neckline of her shirt rides a little low, enough that her collar bones are exposed and I can see the tiny printed tattoo next to her sternum.
Lauren
I'm on cloud nine by the time I start my greeting prompt.
"Hi, my name's Lauren and I'll be one of your servers tonight." I flash the two a smile and watch the older girl from the corner of my eye to gauge her reaction and I bite back a squeal at how her own eyes widen. Her gaze darts down to my left forearm where my own tattoo is, right under where my arm bends and she visibly stiffens. She quickly looks away from me and I'm torn between the adrenaline keeping me buzzed and this inkling of worry that wells in the pit of my stomach. The little girl returns my smile and waits for me to finish the usual prompt.
"Can I get you two anything to drink?" I continue.
"Uh yes, we're also ready to order." Bomber jacket's voice is just as raspy as her laugh and I discreetly lean against the edge of the table to stop myself from swooning. Her eyes are fixated on the menu and every part of me wishes she'd look back at me. The little one eagerly orders pancakes with raspberry syrup and I commend her breakfast-for-dinner choice. Always a favorite.
Turning back to the older sister, I wait patiently with pen and paper in hand.
"I'll have the French toast with bananas." Her tone seems to be clipped but I don't let my confidence waver.
"Can I have a name for that order?" I know it's not part of the routine, I know it's transparent, and the way she blinks at me just once lets me know that she does indeed see right through me. There's a moment of hesitation where she still refuses to meet my eyes and it feels like forever, but when she finally speaks I feel myself flinch, all confidence gone.
"Camila."
Her name is beautiful and enthralling and it suits her.
It's also entirely wrong and I've never thought about how it would feel to break from the inside out but it must feel a lot like this.
"Kaki," the younger girl practically whispers.
"Not now, Sofi," she- Camila says with finality in her voice, almost glaring at her sister but her eyes remains soft.
There's a very large part of me that's devastated, that was wholeheartedly ready to commit my life to this woman. The other part of me, though much smaller, is loud and admonishing. Lauren isn't a very uncommon name. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up knowing my chances were so slim to begin with. I had felt so sure and now I'm not sure about much of anything.
I realize I've been staring when Camila clears her throat to bring me out of my thoughts.
"Oh uh, right. I'll send in those orders for you, Ca-" I swallow hard, beginning to feel lightheaded. "Camila," I strain in saying. I nearly sprint to the kitchen and I pretend to not feel Camila's eyes watch me as I retreat. I beeline to Vero in the break room and grab her by the shoulders, frantic and close to panicking.
"Vero, I felt it."
"It? The fuck is 'it?' Ow! Stop squeezing so tight, geez."
I immediately release my hold on her and outstretch my arm, pointing to my tattoo. "It. I felt it and I knew."
Vero's jaw drops and her eyes almost fall out of her head. Suddenly she's jumping up and down, hands flapping. "Oh my god, Lauren! The girl at table ten? It's her? You lucky fuck, she's gorgeous."
"No."
Vero stops jumping and her excitement is replaced with confusion. "What 'no?' You just said you felt 'it.'" She makes a vague hand motion.
"I was wrong," I shrug weakly and voice quiet. "Her name's Camila."
She becomes sympathetic, her hand reaching for mine and squeezing in comfort. I speak again before she gets the chance to say 'I'm sorry.'
"Does that happen? Where people feel it and they're so sure but they end up being wrong?"
"I- I really don't know, Lo. I'm sorry," she says just as softly.
I release a shaky breath and screw my eyes shut to stop the tears because I'm sorry too.
"My shift is over so I'm just gonna- I'm gonna head home." I cringe at how my voice cracks and Vero does that thing with her eyebrows that tells me she's worried. I wave her off with an 'I'm fine' and quickly gather my things to leave. "I'll see you Monday."
"Lo."
I lean against the doorframe but remain silent and she watches me carefully.
"You're going to be okay. I'm here and I love you."
Now she's just trying to make me cry. I nod and smile, not trusting my voice anymore. It's enough for her and I start the walk to the back door and head for my car. My keys are in my hand except I'm suddenly standing in front of Camila and Sofi again. Definitely not my car.
"Hi Lauren," the little one greets me and I'm taken aback at how casual she seems to be with me. I quickly regain myself.
"Hey cutie, I wanted to drop by to say my shift is over but Vero will be taking care of you for the rest of your meal. I uh, hope you enjoy the rest of your evening," my words are sweet but they sound forced, even to me.
"Oh," Sofi breathes out, almost sounding disappointed but I'm probably imagining that too. "Thank you," she says politely with a toothy smile and I'm utterly charmed with the little girl. But then I'm facing Camila once more and everything inside me seems to crumble again when I spot her tatoo. She's avoiding direct eye contact and that should've been convincing enough for me to finally leave but words spill out of my mouth before I can stop them.
"I hope you find your Lauren."
Camil glances up at me and surprise flashes across her features. Her gaze shifts to my tattoo for just a second before giving me a tight lipped smile.
"Thank you. I hope you find your Karla."
--
I've had this on ao3 and 5hff for like a year and it was only ever meant to be a one shot but I've always had a multi-chapter storyline in mind for it so now here I am finally writing it and posting it on wattpad cus my ass is always on here anyways
comments and validation are always welcome! thanks for reading ❤️
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