"Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be"
~~~
Batuul
I have heard multiple tales of weddings that fail to take place, of men that reject their brides, of runaway brides, but never have I ever heard of a prince who rejected a princess, and little did I know that the first of that kind I would hear will be mine...
When I walked out of Yaya, I made for my chamber but on a second thought, I changed my mind and headed to the servants quarters instead. Khairi was the reason I'm in pain right now, and for that she also has to feel the pain along with me. I will not go down without a fight, and if at all I'm going down, I will not do that alone, we are going down together.
I banged the door of one of the rooms open, searched around with my eyes, it was empty. I skipped to the next and banged it open, there she was with another maid Larai, who was applying black henna to on her hands. Henna to entice Yaya right? I see.
They were startled but when they looked up, Khairi flashed me a smile, and just like that fresh anger resurfaced in me and before I knew it, I pounced on her and started slapping her, beating her.
I have never fought in my life, have always been a bully right from childhood, my victim was always Maryam, when ever she got me angry, I beat her up and later on console her and we continue playing. I never apologize, I found it hard to, it wasn't in my nature to apologize. I tried my bullying on Khalil a couple of times, until he was old enough to try to fight me back one day. I never bullied them again, for fear of losing, because again, it wasn't in my nature to lose!
But now that fear of being a loser is back and that doubled my anger to which I unleashed on Khairi. I never knew I had this much strength until today. Anyway they say anger brings out the strength in a person, because right now, I could not only beat Khalil, but ten more of his kind.
I was beating her, shouting, cursing. But she didn't bug, she didn't try to dodge the beating or stop me, she didn't even cry. She just sat there and let me beat her, she was calm, like the submissive servant she had always been. And that got me more frustrated, cos instead, I was the one crying.
I never expected this from Khairi of all people.
"You slave..witch..daugh...daughter of..of a no body!" I stammered "How could you, how could you do this to me" Larai was on her knees, begging on Khairi's behalf.
"Gimbiya please, have mercy on her. Please Your highn... "
"Get out" I turned around and snapped at her, as she was lucky enough to dodge a slap.
The fact that Khairi didn't show any sign of pain even though her nose was already bleeding and she had a fresh cut across her left eye because her face was the main place I attacked. Her now messed up henna, stained her clothes, mine too.
I flopped down in frustration, covered my face with my palms and cried my heart out. After a while, I felt a gentle touch on my knee, followed by Khairi's voice, calm as ever. "Please Gimbiya, I don't know what I did to you, but what ever it might be, find a place in your heart to forgive me, please"
"You have the audacity to ask for my forgiveness Khairi, after enchanting Yaya? No wonder he was very fond of you, always standing in for you" I shook my head "little wonder. And you sit here telling me you don't know what I'm talking about, who exactly do you want to fool?"
She still gave me a blank look which even made me even angrier. I jerked her up by the collar of her clothe "Tell me what did Yaya see in you to think you worthy of being his wife over me! Have you grown so bold to think you can be my competition? You, a slave, a war captive, a nobody?"
Tears started streaming down her eyes as she opened her mouth multiple times to speak "I don't know what you're talking about wallahi. I have never spoken more than a few words, apart from greetings to the Yerima. Please believe me my princess, I don't know where this is coming from I swear" she went on her knees, and did I just see shock on her face? No it all had to be part of her plot to snatch Yaya away from me! What a hypocrite she is.
"I will not fall for your hypocrisy Khairi, you bit the finger that fed you, and for that, you have to leave this Palace. How dare you think you stand a chance of being Queen? Indeed you must be nuts. If I can't have him, then neither will you."
"Please Your Highness, I have nowhere else to go to, this Palace is all I know, I can't go back to the orphanage" she pleaded
"Khairi leave! You should have thought of that before skimming your way into the Prince's heart." I was loosing my cool, God knows I was, cos she stood there crying.
"Do you need the me to send in the guards to take you out?"
"There will be no need for that, I will go" she wiped her face on her sleeves
"But before I leave, I want you to know this. I have served you truthfully all through the five years I have been in this Palace. I put up with all your demands, your authoritativeness, your rants. Even though I'm your servant, I'm human too, and I have feelings. You always refer to me as a slave, well even if I'm a slave, I didn't make my self one. This is where Allah wants me to be, and I'm ever thankful to him.
You never appreciate anything I do, there is always this fault or that. Your plates are always unclean, your bed unlaid, your food undone or your fruits unwashed. You always complain even though you know I did what I ought to do and well, that is. Whatever have I done to you to deserve this hatred Princess? And today you send me out of your Father's Palace... For something I know nothing about, I will leave, but I want you to know that by Allah, I'm innocent of all your accusations, and I forgive you."
I almost felt remorseful for the hurtful words I said and how I have been treating her all this while, but on a second thought again, she might just be trying to make me feel guilty, no way is that happening!
"Just go, and don't take anything along because you didn't come to this Palace with anything" I waved her away with my hand.
Outside it was still raining as Khairi walked out of the Palace, never to return, I thought. I was ready to face the consequences of sending her away...
***
Immediately I entered my room, I flopped down on my bed and cried into my pillow. I wasn't even sure of what I was crying for anymore. I'm I crying cos Yaya chose Khairi over me, or because of what she said? What ever it was, I cried, I cried for what almost was.
I was almost drifting into sleep when I heard gentle knocks on the door
"Who is there?" I managed to ask in a croaked voice
" It's me.. Can I come in?" came Umma's voice
After awhile I replied "Sure"
One end of the bed went down as Umma sat, gently removed the pillow I laid my head on, and placed my head on her laps, gently stroking my hair.
"Bingel am my child" she whispered. Umma rarely spoke Fulani, while everyone spoke to us in Fulani, she spoke Hausa, saying she wanted us to learn her tongue, cos she was Hausa.
"I'm sorry for what happened my dear" she continued "I assure you that non of us planned for things to turn out this way. Not even Sultan"
"Do me a favour Umma please" I sprang up and held her arm "Never mention his name in my presence again Umma, I hate him!" I spat
"No my child, don't ever say that. Hate is too strong an emotion for a child like you to play with" she shook her head "Never say that, you are obviously very angry at him, at everybody, but it shouldn't cloud your sense of judgment"
"What else do I say Umma, why me. Why me Umma"
"Everything happen for a reason my dear, for the best I suppose"
"You call this the best? Have you thought of the heartache he just caused me? The mockery, the shame? It's the best you say?" I asked in disbelief, fresh tears streaming out of my lids.
She shook her head sympathetically and heaved
"A woman's heart is soft and delicate my dear, it falls in love with the one that cares for it, cherishes it, nurtures it, treat it with kindness and tends to it. But my child, same can not be said about a man's heart, when a man is in love with a woman, it's very difficult for the heart to love another, very rare. His fresh heart can fall in love with that which he never intended, but once the heart is occupied, it's very difficult for the other to find a spot in it.
It is true that a man may have more than one wife, and treat them equally, but deep down, the heart knows whom it loves, the others are just commitments.
I say this is the best for you my dear, because I don't want you to be a victim of one who loves another, whom's heart is yet with another.
If you marry Sultan, you will be happy, he will treat you nicely and respect you, he will show you that brotherly love he has always had for you as his sister, but that love you seek my daughter, that husband wife love might never be there.
There is a possibility that he might never fall in love with you, cos you are not the woman he seek, cos you don't have that which he seek, cos his heart already belongs to another. And for that he might never be happy, you love him, seeing him unhappy will cause you sadness too. As your parents Batuul, that's not what we want for both of you. We want the best for you. We want you both to be happy." she smiled reassuringly when she saw that I was listening attentively
"I have never told you this, but my marriage with your father was an alliance, a seal, the price my father had to pay, to protect his enemies from attacking our kingdom.
Ours was a small Hausa kingdom, situated among vast Fulani powerful kingdoms. The Fulani's didn't take it well that we, a small Hausa community living in their midst, possibly on their fore fathers lands had our sovereignty. Many of them wanted to have us under them, my father the king kept wading them off, until it came to a point where he could do no more, going to war wasn't the best option. Our kingdom was small and not that powerful, so was our Army.
My mother died when I was still a child, about two years old. I was her only daughter, her only child. She was my father's first wife, he had three other wives. Even though he treated them justly, they all knew my mother was the one he married for love while they were only his mother's choice.
I heard my grandmother detested my mother, and so did my stepmothers. Even after her death, the hatred shifted to me, for I was of her blood and flesh and she suckled me, they said. And for that, I was just as good as my mother to them.
My grandmother wanted to be incharge of everything concerning me, she gave my father her word, to which she never kept. I was left in the care of the maids and servants, that motherly love and warmth, I never felt.
Allah sent solace to me in form of my cousin, who moved in with us when I was nine. Zahradeen was his name....Zahra, Zahradeen." she shook her head again, tears welling up in her eyes
"He was three years older than I was. He became an elder brother, a friend and a confidante. He thought me the alphabet, played with me, was there for me, protected me from the my stepmothers' taunts. Before that, I was a shadow in my own father's house. I grew very found of him and as the years went by, so did friendship metamorphose into love between us.
I was sixteen, Zahradeen nineteen, when we decided to make things formal. We had my father's blessings, wedding preparations were going on. Then out of nowhere, my father cancelled the wedding.
The kingdom was in danger, something had to be done, my father wanted to seek for protection from one of the powerful Empires around, Pawa Empire, this particular Empire was among his options cos your uncle, Sultan's father, the then King was known for his kindness and selflessness.
He agreed to protect our kingdom, and as a sign of gratitude, my father suggested the alliance. A marriage between I, being his eldest daughter and this Empire's Waziri, your father.
You will be safe with them my daughter, that I assure . Please do this for me, for our kingdom. I'm your father, I want the best for you. Please my father held my hands and pleaded.
His eyes said it all to me. He was helpless, and desperately in need of my help to protect his people. I saw love in my father's, nothing but pure love, I knew he had my best interest at heart. He would never lie to me. If getting married to your father was what will make him happy, then I was ready to sacrifice my love for Zahradeen as my quarter to the protection of my kingdom, just to put a smile on my father's face. To make him proud, a proud king, and father.
I will marry him father, I will do what ever you want me to do, and even more. I answered, as the tears kept streaming down my eyes.
May Allah bless you Fatima, I know a daughter of Fatima, will never let me down. You remind me so much of her. She will be proud of you, just like I am. He said referring to my mother. I hugged him tightly and cried my heart out, I was scared, of how to face Zahradeen, of the new life I will soon be living in the midst of the Fulanis.
I'm so disappointed Zahra, I never expected this from you, what have I done to deserve this from you, the woman I loved with all of me. He spoke calmly, his eyes not the slightest revealing the emotions behind them, boring into mine. I averted his gaze Yaya, I can expla... I don't need any explanations from you, I wish you all the best in your marriage, but just know that, in life, you can only love once, mine was you. For me, there is no more love... No more love at all Zahra... That said, he left, not giving me a chance to explain or ask for forgiveness. I never saw him again till I got married and left.
I started a new life after marriage. Ya Khadijah, Sultan's mother welcomed me warmly into the family. She was that mother, that sister and that friend to me. I can't start describing her kindness to you. With her, my fear of being referred to as outcast varnished because no one dare called me khaďo outcast. She didn't mind that I was from a small kingdom, or that that kingdom was a Hausa kingdom. She didn't mind the grounds upon which I was married or that my husband was her husband's subordinate, that she was a Queen or that she was from an Emirate even more powerful than Pawa, she was never proud or rubbed it on my face, she just treated me well because her husband gave me to her, as an amana.
Slowly but surely, your father began to love me, he cared for me and catered for all my needs, I gradually grew to love him too."
She turned around to face me, and held my hands firmly "Do you know why it was easy for your father to fall in love with me?" I shook my head
"Because his was a fresh heart, he had never been in love before me." she smiled
"Some times I feel guilty for loving your father, I feel like I have wronged Zahradeen for doing so, I feel like I was being selfish. But matters of the heart are left only to the heart. You can't tell the heart who to love or who not to. It just decides on it's own."
"What happened to Zahradeen then?"
Tears welled up in her eyes again as she spoke "he got married, to a lady by name Rumaisa. She had two daughters for him and he named the first Zahra. He still named the second Zahra too. He was emotionally unstable, he was never happy again, he never grew to love her. People referred to him as Majnun Laila.
This also made his wife unhappy. He hated my father, his ego was bruised. Years later, he quietly divorced Rumaisa and left the kingdom. His whereabout was never known and he never returned, till this day."
She was crying, her whole body shaking and it was my turn to console her "Please stop crying Umma, it's not your fault that you were married off to Abba, neither is it your fault that you fell in love with him or that Zahradeen's life got ruined. It is all Qadr Allah."
"And that's exactly what I want you to understand Batuul, accept destiny in what ever form it comes to you, whether good or bad. Allah knows best and he is the best Planner! In Sha Allah Khair"
"Are you sure Umma?" I started sobbing again, as if remembering the situation I'm in.
"I'm very sure Batuul. I don't want you to end up like like Rumaisa. Neither do I want Sultan to end up like Zahradeen, if he is being made to marry you. If anything goes wrong, it will severe family ties. Do you want that to happen?" I shook my head. This was too much for me, I thought.
"You might not understand your father's reaction, but Sultan is an amana to us. And how can you make that which is an amana to you unhappy, what will we tell Allah on the day of resurrection?
My advice to you is this : never marry a man with a bruised heart because it hardly heal, and if he eventually falls in love with you, then maybe he never truly loved the first as he thought he did.
Marry the one who loves you, not the one you love. Let Sultan go Batuul, his heart is not with you. Let him seek for his happiness where it lies, Allah will grant you yours with time. Never relent, pray. Allah is with the patient, he never lacks. If you're patient Allah will grant you yours."
"But why do you think he chose her over me, what does she possess that I don't. Is it because I'm fat, does he think I'm not beautiful enough?" that's me being insecured, but I just had to be sure
"Not at all my dear, you never really can tell what a man's taste is in a woman. Don't let your insecurities get the better of you. You are very beautiful my daughter. You are a typical African woman. The African woman is not slim, the African woman is plumpy, curvy and beautiful. That's you Batuul. You are chubby, adorable and just so so beautiful" she playfully pinched my nose and her words made me smile and I truly believed her.
And true to Umma's words, Batuul was the most beautiful among her peers. Sultan's taste surely goes beyond beauty.
"Sultan has his mother's kind heart, I see her in him. Please forgive him, never blame a man in love. Also as you know, he didn't tell your father, Khalil did. And I'm happy things turned out this way, cos as I said, I'm sure it's for the best, biizinillah." she said pleadingly
As she said that, regret washed through me. I regretted sending Khairi away. Maybe she was saying the truth, that she knows nothing about it. And even if she knew, as Umma said, I could never really blame them. But the deed was already done, she was gone already. Ya Allah! What have I done.
I opened my mouth and almost told Umma but changed my mind and asked her something instead "So your name is Fatima?" I asked amused. She laughed and replied.
"Of course, every Zahra is a Fatima"
"I was given your name then?"
"You were given my mother's name, her name was also Fatima Batuul"
"You were named after her too?"
She laughed "I was named after my grandmother. Everyone called me Hajia, until Zahradeen came and started calling me Zahra, and the name eventually stuck."
I smiled and laid my head on her laps. I was determined to move on, even though I know it did take time, but I was willing to try.
Perhaps Yaya and I were not meant to be, or we were meant not to be....
~~~
Phew! Longest chapter so far, almost 4000 words. I try small oo, I deserve some votes and comments right? Then click on...
Did you learn anything from this chapter? Well, I think I learnt a thing or two from it...
So today is new year's eve, what are our new Year resolutions?
Thank you very much for your prayers dear readers, I really, very much appreciate it. Ameen Ameen, to all your prayers....