This chapter is the longest of the book, and I didn't even mean for it to be. Sorry, not sorry :) .
"Yeah, it's whatever, I think it makes me look like less of an Ex-Con."
- Arson
Two Weeks Later
Farrah : Peri, where the hell are you?
Farrah : You know that you're the DPTHMHBWITU!!
Me : Ugh, fine which bathroom are you in?
Currently, I stood against the lockers, twirling the golden tassel on my graduation cap. The shuttle over to the riverfront was going to be leaving in ten minutes, where, my entire class would graduate. Seeing all of my fellow seniors ripping and running through the hallways of the empty school was sort of surreal.
Jasmine : She's the what?
Me : Designanted-Person-To-Hold-My-Hair-Back-When-I'm-Throwing-Up
Jasmine : Farrah what the fuck, I'm literally in the stall next to you.
Jasmine : Kinda offended you didn't want me to hold your hair
Me : You can have my job, honestly lmfao
Farrah : WOW Peri ... that's quality bonding time for us
Farrah : Fine Jas, hurry up, I'm holding it in
I exited the group chat, and then closed my phone. I decided to walk towards the bathroom, and meet them there anyway. I knew for a fact that it would be teeming with women, seeing that they all probably want to put the finishing touches on their looks. My hatred for being in a tight group was going to be challenged.
"Where are you going?" Somebody asked from behind me, and when I turned around, I saw Asher and ... Eli? Last time I checked, Asher hated Eli more than Nathan does, and that was saying something. "You know that we have to catch the shuttle in a few." Asher continued.
"I know, I was meeting up with the girls," I took a short pause in order to look between the two of them. "am I missing something, you guys are friends?"
"We've been friends for a couple weeks now, I thought you knew already?" Eli spoke in a questioning way. I just glanced at Asher, and he could tell that I was asking him 'when were you planning on telling me' with my eyes.
The blonde just shrugged, "Everybody was doing it, I thought it was a group thing–" and was sort of caught off guard by Roman coming up from behind, and placing his hands on his shoulders.
"What was sort of a group thing?" Ro questioned, before walking through the two boys in order to get to me. When he reached me, he showed hesitation, but ultimately decided to just stand beside me.
"Nothing." I piped up, knowing that he most definitely wasn't cool with Eli. Everybody else may be, but the bad blood between Eli, Nate and Ro will probably never cease to exist.
No matter how hard anybody tries.
"Well, with that being said, we're going to go get a seat on the shuttle, want us to save you guys one?" Eli asked, trying to at least be civil in Roman's presence.
"Yeah, so that's..." I trailed off, in order to count the seats on my fingers. "four seats, save four other seats."
"That's too many, you overestimate how intimidating I am, Peri. I'm a small white boy, you're looking at probably one seat ... you're lucky if I can even save that." Asher pointed out, causing all of us to laugh. He was only half serious, so the two walked away in order to save all of the seats.
Ro and I watched together as they walked down the hallway, pushing each other into the lockers. After a few seconds, they disappeared around the corner, and Roman took that as a great opportunity to grab onto me. I collided softly with the wall, and he moved in closer. But I pushed him away, kind of like how I've been doing ever since we got together.
We've managed to keep it a secret, only because we weren't sure how everybody would react. Yeah, we're not in our relationship for anybody else, but still.
Roman moved away frustratingly, running both hands through his hair. "Peri, what's going on? Every time I try to be loving towards you, you push me away! Do you not want to, because it's okay if you don't, it's your choice. But, I just want to know, the uncertainty is maddening." The brunette informed, finally fed up with my antics.
"I'm sorry, I've just been so stressed lately." I lie.
"Really? Last week when I came over and we were making out on your bed, I asked you if you were stressed and you said no. I'm just trying to figure this out." Roman recalled.
It was true, I had noticed that he had caught on to my dodgy behavior a while ago. I just wanted to buy more time to come to terms with why I was actually avoiding sex, or anything sexual.
"Look, it's not a big deal, okay? I'll ... I'll warm up to the idea, you just have to give me time." I report, and the both of us started to walk towards the front of the school slowly.
"That's the thing, Peri, sex shouldn't be something you have to warm up to. If having sex with me makes you feel uncomfortable then that's fine, it's your body, you know? Don't be ashamed, just be honest." Ro told, not understanding how serious the situation was.
"It's not you babe, when I tell you this, please don't be mad. But, whenever we're about to have sex or something, all I can think about is Nathan. It's not because you're not enough or anything like that, he's just still in the back of my head." I admit, watching as his face turned really sour.
The boy took a deep breath before responding. "If that's the case then maybe you choosing me was a bad ide–"
"NO! You're who I want, Roman, I just haven't made peace with him, so it's like he's haunting me. I've been avoiding him too, which is why things haven't resolved." I elaborated, making it utterly clear that the problem wasn't with him.
Instead of responding to me, he just stood there with a conflicted expression. I grabbed him by his face and pulled him in for a kiss, and he complied. I never realized that I'd have to make amends with Nate before I could move on. I guess he took more away from me than I thought.
X
It was now after the graduation ceremony, and the crowd at the riverfront was only growing. All of us seniors had already gathered in a circle and threw our graduation caps into the air. Which, by the way, was a moment I'll never forget. We were officially on our own, and coming to terms with the path we've walked down thus far. I can easily name a few people, though, whose dreams are too big for what fate actually has in store for them.
Remember Nicolai, Roman's red-haired associate, who couldn't seem to leave his promiscuous ways behind? His goal is to become an engineer, and honestly, his grades nor determination point in the way of that happening. It's upsetting how he's completely oblivious to it, but I guess that's the beauty of hope.
Stephen, Nathan's friend, is fixed on being an entrepreneur. Unlike Nicolai's, I could see Steph's aspirations quickly coming into fruition. I guess that's what High School does to you: separates the people that are living on a dream, from the people who have been constantly living off of determination to make it come true. It was hard to place my own self in either category, I guess time will tell.
As I was letting go of Xavier, who I had just spent a while hugging, my phone rang from my other hand. I moved everything from my right hand to my left in order to see what it was. It was a text from Arson, who I thought I saw in the crowd, but wasn't sure.
Arson : Can you meet me at the far end of the parking lot?
Me : Yeah, sure, I didn't even know you came today.
Arson : Everyone came.
I decided not to reply to his message, and to just make my way over to the parking lot. I couldn't find my other friends in the sea of people anyway. I'm sure he probably only wanted to congratulate me, away from all of the clutter. If I recall, he wasn't much a fan of large crowds either.
X
Five minutes later, I found myself at the end of the lot, Arson's car sat parked in the middle of the empty parking spaces. There were at least six spaces left empty in either direction. He stood up against his car, his hands folded tightly across his chest. I tilted my head to the side in question, the boy only laughed and held his arms wide for me.
I stepped into his hug, which was very momentary. In doing so, I noticed something different about him. "Oh my gosh, you're growing your hair out?!" I poked fun, running a few fingers through the strands that fell over his forehead. It didn't look bad on him, and the fact that his hair has been in a low cut ever since I met him again was something I was just now realizing.
"Yeah, it's whatever, I think it makes me look like less of an Ex-Con." The brunette joked, even though it was very much true.
"While I thoroughly enjoy talking about your new hairdo, my ... guardians are probably looking for me." I point out, and gestured over my shoulder, back at the celebration. It was weird of him to summon me over to this lonely part of the venue. "Wait, you stayed for the whole ceremony?"
"I did." He nodded.
"Oh, I didn't even see you, there were so many people."
"I stood against a tree and watched, you know that I'm still banned from all the events your school hosts, right? Can't even walk on their property without being shooed off." Arson sadly told, only saying it so that I could feel bad for him.
"That's what happens when you–"
"–light garbage cans on fire, I know." He chuckled, before looking over from the water in the distance to meet my eyes. "I didn't tell you to come over here to talk about irrelevant stuff like that. The only thing that I want to tell you, Peri, is everything you're missing."
My genuinely happy facial expression turned into a fake one, plastered across my face. I didn't want to misinterpret what he meant, so I thought that showing a likewise emotion wouldn't be a good idea either. "What do you mean?"
"I mean ..." Arson trailed, fidgeting in his stance against his car. The fact that he never changed his posture until now shows me how serious he was, regarding whatever he was about to tell me. Everything else – moving, jittering in that spot – didn't matter, him translating his message was all that did. "I've seen that you've been entertaining and giving attention to these boys that are in your life. I just think that it'd be in your best interest if you had a man that wouldn't waste your time."
I was completely blindsided, well actually, only partially, since I guessed that he was trying to make a move on me from his first statement. I've never had someone step up to me like that, maturely and so sure. It sounded as if his word was his bond, and he was keen on keeping it.
"I-"
"Before you say anything, feel this." He instructed, before taking my hand, and placing my palm on the inside of his buttoned down shirt. Arson previously had the two top buttons undone, so it was quiet easy for him to do so. My breath hitched when my palm came into contact with his bare chest. I didn't know what to think or what to do. "This heart, Peri, has been beating for you solely since we met in middle school. The foundation for my love is so strong, that distance nor your availability was able to tear away at it.
That's the difference between your past flings, and what we could have. I want to help you grow, Petra." Arson informed, opening his heart to me for the first time.
We stood there in silence for a bit, and in that time, I felt his heart beating against my hand. His heart rate quickened when he finished, and it made me feel something inside, knowing that saying all of that made him nervous. He was this person who I looked at as tough, and indestructible, but I guess the most strongest people can also have the softest secrets.
This made me think back to the time we met at the bar in The Hamptons, the first thing I remembered about him, was how "obsessed" he was with me. Come to find out, that it wasn't an obsession, it was love, he cared for me so much and wasn't afraid to show it. I removed my hand, and held onto it, still being able to feel the lub-dub all the way through my fingertips.
I placed my phone and it's belongings on the car beside him, so that I could embrace him with both hands. He hugged me back, but I could sense confusion. "Listen, Arson, you're with Jasmine, and I'm ... seeing Roman right now, we just got back together–"
"No, my thing with Jas ended when I decided to pursue you. She was just a placeholder, and she knew that, she just didn't know for who. But, if you two were actually back together, and happy in your relationship, you wouldn't have entertained my proposal. You wouldn't have listened further, you would've insisted that you weren't missing anything with being with him." Arson protested.
He was right, if I was set on making things work with Roman, then his statement wouldn't have intrigued me.
"As I said, I'm a man, who doesn't play games. It sounds to me like that's what you and Roman are doing, and if you honestly want to get back to your game of ring around the rosy, then be my guest." He shrugged, crossing his arms again. "When you're ready to be loved how you should be loved, fucked how you should be fucked, and catered to how you should be, I'll be here."
I pulled my eyes up from the road, to his eyes. You could clearly see that he meant what he said, they were purposeful, and showed tenacity. Those alone were emotions that no boy has ever looked at me with. "You sure you can provide all of that?" I question, and he replied with that same diligence.
"I'm a man of my word." Was all he said, before I stood on my tiptoes, in order to kiss him on his lips. Instead of grabbing me by my waist, he wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me in close. He made me feel secure, which was what I was missing all along: security.
Roman didn't make me feel this way, now that I think about it, he never did. The problem was, I just never realized that this was a feeling I was lacking. I was so used to making my own self feel guarded, it felt nice to have someone else take the reins.
I moved away from Arson, not because I didn't want him, it was the fact that I wanted him and not Ro. "Fuck ... I-I can't do this to Roman, it doesn't feel right." I admit.
"Does it not feel right because it's wrong, or because I'm standing right here?" I turned around to find Roman with his phone pressed against his ear. I didn't know what to say, and he knew that, which is why he skipped over giving me a chance to reply to his question. "You must have accidentally called me, I heard up from about the part where Arson Castillo here professed his undying love."
He was hurt, deeply, which is why he was making witty remarks. "I'm sorry, Roman."
"Is this why you wouldn't have sex with me ... touch me ... let me touch you? You've been doing it with him!? I'm assuming all of that shit you told me about Nathan in the hallway wasn't true either, then?" Ro formulated.
"No, Ro, everything I told you today was true, I just wasn't expecting Arson to–"
"Tell her everything she deserves to hear ... not only now, but on a daily basis. I wasn't fucking Peri, there, are your insecurities at ease? This woman deserves way more than what you've been giving her. I hear you came up with this plan to break her heart so that you'd feel less guilty or miss her less when you moved away!? How dare you, Constantine, I don't want to speak for her, but I know a woman's feelings aren't a damn video game you can turn off whenever you're done playing." Arson ranted, completely taking over for me.
Roman was rendered speechless, because he knew, deep down that everything Arson said was correct. The two of us just stared at Ro, with him looking back at us. We didn't know where to go from here, but it was getting more awkward by the second.
"You know what ... there have been plenty of times where I've bent over backwards for Peri. I don't know if you guys are just choosing to overlook them, but at this point it doesn't really matter. P, I'm tired of going through this, hurting you, and being hurt. It was really fucked up of you to choose me when you weren't even serious about it. Maybe our timing was off, I'm not sure. All that I know is that I'm done thinking about this, and most importantly about you.
I'll always be your friend, and be there, you know that. If one of us is Marco, the other is Polo. A relationship between the two of us just isn't written in our stars, you get it? Anyways, I'll catch you later at the dinner." Roman finalized, before giving me a hug, and walking back to the celebration. I felt completely odd, being granted freedom from my best friend.
In the end, I guess you can say that everything worked out for the better. Also, I realized just exactly what kind of people we all are from those two aforementioned groups. Arson, who reached over to grab onto my hand, was like Stephen. He had been constantly living off of determination ever since middle school. His goal was to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
Roman, he was Nicolai, a person living on a dream. He dreamed plenty of times of our life together. Those same dreams ended up getting the better of him, because they were just that – dreams. With reality being their biggest enemy, they winded up breaking his heart without warning.
Me, however, I find myself being a mixture of both factions. On one hand, I'm a dreamer, with my own fantasy land in mind. But on the other, a realist, which doesn't allow me to get in too deep with my dreams. I guess the fact that I believe in fate while being a realist is a bit of a contradiction then, hmm?
When I asked for fate to chose between Nathan and Roman back at the bowling alley, and both of them showed up, fate wasn't telling me to make my own decision. It was reality waking me up from my dream of things being that simple. But also probably a hint that I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship with either of them.
It's quite obvious, now, given a few past events, me being sexually withdrawn, and someone else stepping into the light. I have this feeling in my gut that this is the way things are supposed to be. I guess it's fate's way of saying "I told you so". The ups and downs that I've had with not only Nathan and Roman, but Eli as well, were only to make me see the truth.
I just wish that fate wasn't so big on subliminal messages.
X
PLOOOOOT TWIIIIIIIIIIST 💀
I bet you guys didn't see ARSON coming into play did you? He snuck up like a damn snake and managed to take Peri for himself. Don't worry, if you guys still feel like closure is needed – I do too – there will be an epilogue next week. Everything should be tied up then, and we'll see how everything plays out between these characters.
❤️