"But I hear sounds in my mind, brand new sounds in my mind. But, honey, I'll be seein' you 'ever I go. But, honey, I'll be seein' you down every road" - Green Light
-
Tabitha comes around the house. A lot.
At first, I didn't mind because that meant that I had Kristina with me a lot and I got to spend a lot of alone time with Kristina. But that was before.
This is me officially saying that I mind the amount of time Tabitha spends in my house.
I can't be the real me with her around because the real me is the reason we hired her. The real me jokes about stabbing people at school and throwing myself off of very tall cliffs. The reason it's okay to make those jokes around Ellie and Cole is that they know that I'm joking. If I say things like that in front of Tabitha, she might add another prescription to my already long list.
I can not start taking more medication.
A knock at my door made me turn away from my desk. "Hey, Cole. What's-"
Cole doesn't have blonde hair.
"Hi, Adrianna!" Tabitha greeted enthusiastically.
Don't hit her. Don't fight her. Just breathe.
"Hi Tabitha," I whispered quietly, with as much of a smile as I could.
"Cole, Ellie, and I were thinking of going to this nice restaurant for dinner. Would you like to come?" You want more people to witness the murder that I'm going to commit? No thank you.
"I'm okay. I have homework to finish." I spoke in a hushed tone, turning back towards my desk. I had no choice but to speak as quietly as I was because having her in my room takes all of the oxygen away, and makes it hard for my lungs to function. Not in a good way like Kris does when she walks into the room, but in the bad way that makes me want to cry.
"Look Adri," She started. "I know that we aren't friends but I'd like to change that."
I let the tears well up in my eyes and my hands clench into tight fists but still refused to say anything. I don't trust my brain to come up with anything nice or polite to say. Not that it would have any oxygen to use if it did come up with something anyway.
"I want us to be able to have a conversation and for you to eat dinner when I'm in the house. You shouldn't have to lock yourself in your room every time that I come over."
And then I started to cry.
I made sure that it was a quiet sob because I was mindful enough to remember that there were other people downstairs. I needed to cry though because it was the alternative to being angry.
Instead of trying to bash Tabitha's head in, I'm just going to curl myself into a little ball and cry.
"Please leave," I spoke quietly through my tears, as I stood up from my desk and walked over to my bed.
"Adrianna-"
"Please leave," I stated again, this time in a louder tone as I buried myself underneath the covers of my bed. I'm not shaking. I'm not hyperventilating. There are just silent tears streaming down my face and an invisible force sucking out all of my mental strength.
Eventually, some footsteps fade away, but the desire for me to leave my bed did not return. The emptiness was also an alternative to angry. I could just not feel when Tabitha's around. But even though me from 2 years ago would've been completely on board with this plan, present me actually enjoys feelings.
I like feeling the butterflies when Kristina comes around. I enjoy feeling amusement when the twins say something ridiculous. I enjoy feeling like I belong somewhere when I'm with Zoё and Bella. I enjoy feeling proud of myself when I help Ellie with her homework.
I just don't enjoy the added sadness and anger that comes with Tabitha.
I've come a long way from who I used to be and I'm proud of that. I no longer glare at every person I see in the hallway. I don't wish ill things upon everybody. I take my meds with less of a fight and struggle. But I still can't bring myself to like Tabitha.
And I'm afraid I won't ever be able to.
"If it makes you feel any better, I'm not a big fan of her either." A small voice spoke from my doorway. I lifted my head to Ellie leaning on my door frame and twirling a strand of her hair around her finger.
I sniffled and sat up. "Liar. She brings you candy and you love anybody who brings you candy." I reminded her, and she shook her head.
"I like chocolate. She likes to bring me Laffy Taffy and Skittles." Ellie clarified, and I rolled my eyes before lying back on my bed.
How many six-year olds do you know who are picky about what kind of candy they get?
"Maybe she'll go away like the other ladies." Ellie offered, but I just shook my head.
That wouldn't be any better because Cole is madly in love with her and it would break his heart, which would mean I would have to break her hand for hurting my brother. Which would also mean that I'd go to jail.
The consequences of them breaking up are so much greater than if they just stay together.
What if you just move out? I love my family. I love Ellie too, but she can come and visit. Cole is my family too. If he were really your family, would he be dating the woman you hate most? Don't say things like that. But I'm right, aren't I?
"Ellie go back downstairs. Aren't you guys supposed to be going out for dinner?" Translation: My capability to have a normal conversation has been terminated. Unless you would like to have a conversation with a rock, go away.
And even though Ellie is only six, she most likely heard the translation rather than what actually came out of my mouth. The sound of tiny footsteps began and then eventually faded away.
My eyes became trained on my ceiling, but my brain was too worn out to make constellations out of the marks on the ceiling, so I closed my eyes. But then I was too tired to trace the dots that appeared under my eyelids, so I just allowed myself to pass out.
Why didn't passing out solve all of my problems?
∆
The dining room was silent even though the table was full except for one chair. For some reason, Cole thought that having these family dinners with Tabitha was going to make everything better. Usually, Kris comes to these things, but her parents were off this week and she wanted to spend time with them.
At least one of us is a good daughter.
"Ellie I saw that you brought home some drawings today." No shit Sherlock. She's in the first grade, what do you think they do all day?
"Yeah! I drew a blue dinosaur, a fairy princess, and an orange butterfly of course." She answered enthusiastically but squeezed my hand underneath the table.
When Kris is here, she lets me use her hand as a stress ball because she knows that even just the sound of Tabitha's voice makes me want to jump off of a cliff. Since Kris isn't here today, Ellie offered to take the job, but I told her that I didn't want her to because I squeeze extremely hard. Ellie didn't care though, she still grabbed my hand. Even though I was too scared to squeeze her hand (feared that I would break her fingers off), I very much appreciated the gesture.
"I'm sure they look lovely. We should start keeping them somewhere-"
"Oh, I already do. Adri has a scrapbook with all of my drawings. She even has some on her walls." Ellie giggled, turning towards me.
I offered her a fleeting glance as a response to remind her that she isn't the reason that I want to jump off of a cliff right now but didn't actually open my mouth. That would have probably ended with me saying something that's not dinner table friendly.
Tabitha glanced over at me. "That's very nice of her."
I'm a nice person; why is that hard for her to believe? You tried to kill her. But I didn't; that was me being nice. The only reason you didn't kill her is that Cole stopped you. I would've stopped eventually.
Right?
Ellie scoffed. "Well, Adri is the bestest sister in the entire universe."
Ellie talks about me in a way that makes it seem like she hasn't seen me have 20 different panic attacks, and I appreciate it. She makes me feel human for a few moments.
"I have no doubts," Tabitha spoke quietly and it took so much for me to not roll my eyes at her. If she didn't have any doubts then I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have all of those therapy sessions.
"Can I be excused?" I asked quietly, standing up from the table.
I didn't wait for Cole to answer before grabbing my plate and heading to the kitchen. He would've probably said no or asked me what's wrong, neither of which I wanted to be confronted with right now. One because I don't like being told no. Two because I didn't really know what was wrong with me; I just don't want to be in the same room as Tabitha anymore.
If we're being honest, I don't even want to be in the same realm as her.
Which is why the knife on the kitchen counter looks so appealing. It was this beaker of light finally seeping out after all of these weeks of darkness. I wasn't just noticing how attractive the knife was, but any other time Kristina was here or I had just taken a dose of antidepressants, so I was just too lazy to pick up the knife.
However, right now Kristina is very far away and I am in the small window of time where the effects of my medication had worn off, but it wasn't time for me to take another dose. So when I picked up the knife, there were no complaints upstairs and there was no one around to remind me that there should be complaints from upstairs.
"You know if you do that Kristina will be very upset." At least in my ideal world, there were no interruptions.
"I think she'll understand; she knows how much I hate you," I spoke calmly even though right now my mind was a jumble of sounds and thoughts that even a sane person wouldn't be able to sort through.
"I've offered to leave before-"
"I don't know what to do with you, Tabitha!" I whispered yelled, whipping around to face her with the knife in my hand. The knife was pointed at me instead of her because from our last encounter together I've learned that even when I do try to hurt her, I'm still the one who ends up getting hurt; I might as well just skip to the part where I hurt myself.
"I hate you, I really hate you. There are not enough words in the dictionary to describe how much I hate you." I prefaced, heaving quietly. "But my brother is in love with you. And no one on this earth deserves to be happy more than him. He deserves to be happy, I just don't understand how it could be you that makes him happy when I can't stand the sight of your face." I whimpered, bringing the knife closer to my chest.
I took in heavy, scattered breathes before returning to more even ones. "Therefore I'm just going to leave because I can't-"
"I'll tell your parents that you don't need the therapy session anymore." She blurted out quickly and my eyes immediately shot up to meet hers.
'You're lying." I responded, gripping the knife tighter in my hand.
"No Adrianna." She sighed, then leaned against the counter. "The only times you act out is when it involves me. In everyday life, you can function and control yourself, even when Kristina or Cole aren't around. I'm the problem. I'll tell your parents that I don't need to see you anymore. I can get you someone else. You can help choose them."
Hearing the words that I've been waiting to hear for more than a decade should've made me jump for joy, throw a party, or at the very least smile. And I waited for the exhale or relief to come or for angels to start singing. But it never came.
Instead, I just dropped the knife to the ground, walked out of the kitchen, and locked myself in my room.
Because no matter how powerless Tabitha is now, I still hate her. She'll never be able to make me forget all of those nights I spent crying alone on the floor of a psych hospital. There's nothing that can be done to make me forget all of the electroshock therapy that killed some good voices. Every day I have to swallow at least ten pieces of chalk because of her.
I am always going to hate Tabitha for everything she's done to me. And that will never change.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on my door. A very large part of me wanted to stay put inside of the cocoon of blankets that I had made for myself, but the last time I didn't unlock a locked door, the fire department was called.
I dragged my feet on the way to my door and cracked it open to see Cole looking down at me with a worried expression.
"Are you okay? You didn't come back to dinner." He asked, concern dripping from his voice.
These past few weeks, I've opted to just tell him that I was just tired and that everything is fine. But lying is becoming exhausting and all I had the energy to do was give him a look which hopefully communicated please let me wallow in peace.
When was the last time you were fine; that was a stupid question. Not today, please. I'm just saying. And I'd rather you not, ever.
"You know that I love you right?" Cole asked, interrupting my conversation.
"Yes, and despite everything, I love you and am happy for you," I replied honestly, not adding on how much loving him hurt at this very moment and how I've never over him as much as I have this week alone.
He nodded, and placed a kiss on my forehead, understanding that now and no time soon was a good time to have an in-depth discussion about everything.
I closed my door back once he walked out of the site, and immediately slid down to the floor in front of my door. Suddenly my bed is too far away and the floor looks incredibly comfortable.
Cole and I are going to be okay, there are no other options. I love no one more in this world, and no one has loved me better. And the last thing that I'm going to let Tabitha do is to ruin that love and turn me against him.
I'm going to learn how to cope, and she will not win.