kathleen carter
I knew this wasn't heartbreak. Heartbreak was far less humiliating. This was most deprecating to my self worth, not my heart. Although you could argue those are one in the same.
I don't know how long I spent sitting, staring at the door, left wide open. I was right, point blank. She was just using me as a challenge. It was evident by the last words she spat at me.
I willed my sadness into rage. Anger was a much easier emotion to process. Sadness enables other people to hurt you, while anger enables you to hurt other people. I was confident in my own ability to keep myself from hurting others, but not in the ability of others to not kick me while I was down.
"She thinks she's such a fucking player, I bet. As if I care what some sixteen year old thinks of me," I said to myself. "I've got a good job. I've got a husband. No one's ever gonna love her."
~~~
I practically jumped out of my seat when I heard the door open.
"Peter, finally you're home," I called to my husband, sounding pathetically sensual.
He laughed, "Sure am."
I stood and walked to him, running my hand down his shoulder and down his chest where his shirt buttoned. I bit my lip and looked up at him. He smirked and tangled his fingers in my hair.
I wanted to love it. It used to be my ultimate fantasy, a Fifty Shades esque sex life with a guy who could take me over. But now, Peter simply looking down at me felt completely out of place. It was humiliating, and I didn't like it. I wanted to be the dominant one.
But I couldn't exactly get behind being a dominatrix to Peter. It went against everything I was used to with men, and he wouldn't like it. It didn't feel right.
Caroline.
I wanted to be looking down at her, there was nothing else that fit. It clicked too quickly.
I kept staring at Peter. I was so in love with that face, but now I couldn't stand it. I couldn't even look at it. The tears starting to swell in my eyes were obvious, I knew, from how Peter's expression changed from suggestive to concerned.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. I took another moment to stare at him before turning around and running off. I locked myself in our bedroom, but I couldn't bare to lay on the bed.
"Kathleen," he called after me. But thankfully he didn't follow.
I sat on the floor, my back resting against the wooden frame of the bed I shared with my husband. I was crying heavily now-watered down eyeliner inking my hands black. My instant reaction was shame, for I believed I was overreacting. But it wasn't me that was overreacting. It was my brain. It was possible that now, because of Caroline, that I would never be able to look at my husband the same way. Now that I knew how great it felt to be with her, my mind couldn't settle for any less.
Then, I realized something. Being with Peter was settling for less.
I shook my head. Sexually, sure, maybe. But I wasn't in love with Caroline.
I stopped crying. I could handle this. I could make this work. A bit of lying would save everyone. Looking back, I think I came to this decision in an irresponsible mindstate, evident by my emotions and the choice itself. But that didn't stop me.
I took a few deep breaths, feeling suddenly relieved. I stood up and grabbed my phone from the nightstand. I stepped to the very back of the room, as far from the door as I could get. I worked quickly in order to stop my own mind from changing.
She picked up on the third ring.
"Caroline," I breathed into the phone as soon as she answered.
"Speaking," she said, audibly confused.
"Do-Do you actually want to be with me?" I stammered, trying to keep my breathing steady.
"What, because of what I said earlier? Kathleen, yes, I do want to be with you, as much as I hate to admit it. Why?" she asked.
"You promise?"
She sighed. "Shut up. I promise."
"Let me pick you up," I said quickly.
"Right now? Kathleen, it's eleven pm."
"Goddammit, if you actually want to do this, let me pick you up."
"But my parents-"
I exhaled heavily. "Caroline."
"Christ, I'll try. I'll send you my address. Park at the roundabout down the road. Let me know when you're here. What the hell am I doing..."
She hung up. I was panting. I hopped up from the floor and sped out of my bedroom. I halted at the sight of a worried Peter with his hands crossed sitting on the couch in our living room. He looked up at me.
"Peter, don't worry about it, okay? It's not you-it's me. I'm gonna sleep at my sister's tonight, but don't worry. Please," I lied. He paused for a moment.
"Kathleen, I'm sorry-"
"Don't be. I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, okay? I just need a night," I said, forcing a smile onto my face. I was in a hurry to see Caroline. I spun around towards the door.
"Alright. I love you," he called after me. I couldn't bring myself to answer.
author's note:
hey guys! thanks so much for the reads! breaking one hundred means a lot to me. i'm updating really often just because i honestly love these characters and how the story's flowing-sorry if it's annoying lmao. hope you guys are liking it! <3