It’s a Monday. I hate Mondays.
I walk into my first period classroom late with a goal in mind. I need to talk to Vitale. It’s not to tease him, to make him blush or anything of the sort. I need to talk to Vitale to get my thoughts straightened out.
I have to see if these mixed up feelings that have kept me up these last couple nights are really from him and not something I’ve created. Maybe these feelings swimming around my head are just me reaching out to someone. My therapist said that I might force feelings onto myself for attention. She explained that because of the lack of compassion from my parents I thrive off of the compassion of others. Of course I don’t go and see my therapist anymore. I haven’t needed her in years.
“Hey, Cald!” James greets me when I sit down in my seat. I stare at the spot where Vitale should be. He’s not here.
“Hey, James.” I smile up at him. I should tell James about my mixed feelings. James doesn’t care if people are gay, he won't hate me. “Have you seen Vitale today?”
James tilts his head to the side, confused. “Who?” I point to Vitale’s empty seat when James asks this. “Oh that quiet kid?” James snaps his fingers when he remembers who Vitale is. “Uh, no. Haven’t seen him today. Why?”
“No reason.” I can’t tell James about my confused feelings right now. We are in a room full of people plus I don’t even know about my feelings. I’ll tell James everything when I get it all sorted out. Then, Princeton loudly enters the classroom. His face held nothing but pure frustration. Princeton sits down in the seat in front of me dropping his bag to the ground.
“What’s wrong, bud?” James asks.
“My roommate.”
“What’d he do?” I ask Princeton. I don’t know who this roommate is but he needs to buzz off.
“He needs to learn to put pants on.” What? Princeton was mad because his roommate was in his underwear? I walk around in my boxers and James couldn’t care less. Why does it matter so much to Princeton that this guy wears some pants?
“I don’t see the big deal in not wearing pants. He was wearing underwear right?”
“Yes he was. The problem is... ugh you wouldn’t understand, it’s just wrong.” Princeton glares at his desk. James and I exchange looks. That was all we said during math.
~
“Stop swimming like snuggly bunnies!” Coach Acks yells as the whole swim team pushes themselves through the water. “My great grandmother can swim better than this and she’s dead!” I finished the laps first and pulled myself out of the water.
“I think I did pretty good, coach.” I walk over to the bench and drop down onto it, waiting for the others to finish. One by one swimmers began to pull themselves out of the water and join me on the bench.
“You did okay, Irvine.” Coach Acks walks over to where I was seated, his white tennis shoes stepping in the small puddles of water. Coach turns and blows his black whistle, that was hanging on a purple string, at the remaining swimmers in the pool. “You slow pansies get out of the pool now so that we could start the next exercise.”
Swimmers begin to fill the area I was sitting in. Coach starts to shout out orders at us and gets us set up for the next set of laps. He blew his whistle to signal us to start.
Coach Acks was a strange man in my opinion, from his almost knee high white socks to the red sweatband around his head, he was the kind of guy to go all out on everything; He tried very hard to get us to do our best and he also tried hard to look good. Of course “look good” was a white t-shirt tucked into red shorts with a matching red belt. Most of the time he worse his aviator glasses, even though we are inside a building. Like I said, he was an odd one.
“Coach!” I hear someone call as I come up for air which snaps me out of my thoughts. I need to stay focused. I chant my movements through my head.
Push forward with arms, kick with legs, breathe. Push, kick, push, kick, breath, push, kick, push, kick, push, kick, breathe.
Feeling as if I had barely been in the water, I finished my exercise and pulled myself out of the pool. Coach Acks walks over to me and records my time on a clip board.
“Good job, Irvine.” A few other people finish and begin to pull themselves out of the pool as well. Coach went to record their times too. Princeton was the sixth person to finish. Judging by the look on his face, he wasn’t super happy about it.
When the bell rang I asked Coach if I could stay and swim a little longer. He only agreed because I am one of his favorite students. The room started to empty and the only thing that could be heard was Coach Acks in the back room doing some teacher stuff I didn’t care about. The water was so inviting. When the room was completely empty I took a few deep breaths then drove into the pool.
As my mind begins to clear of every unnecessary thing like school, family, friends, one thought suck in my mind, no matter how hard I tried to forget. That thought was of Vitale Nova. I can’t get this kid out of my head. I know that he is gay, and I know that he likes me, but I don’t know what I feel. I feel something, but is that feeling real or not? I could just be yearning for more affection and attention. I could just be yearning for Vitale. I could just want someone, anyone, to hold me and say they care about me. I might just want Vitale to do that. I could want to do that to him. I don’t know what to think anymore.
That’s when I started thinking about my family. Just the thought of them made me swim harder.
My parents hated me. Well, hated was a bad word for it; hating is an emotion that requires passion. My parents have never been passionate about me, they have no emotional attachment to me. All I have ever wanted was for them to feel something about me. I wanted them to be proud of me, angry at me. Hell, I wouldn’t have minded utter disappointment. But the thing is, I wanted them to feel something about me, as in past tense. I don’t want them to put in the effort of parenting and caring anymore. I don’t want them to fake love me. What I want is for them to stop pretending. At least if they admitted to their lack of compassion, it would be real. It’s really irritating having to deal with my mother’s feeble attempts of trying to trick me into thinking she loves me. My dad doesn’t even care and doesn’t try to hide it. My mother, I think, is trying to make up for my crappy childhood, but she can’t. She can’t make up for all the times as a child I was put second. All those times that my parents wouldn’t even acknowledge the things I did. They never scolded me for cutting the maids hair, never smiled at the family stick figure drawings I made. I was never really their child. I was more of a thing that got in the way all the time.
I still haven’t quite figured out why I was born in the first place. Maybe someone to give the business to, make them seem like better people, spir of the moment thing, or my parents were good people before I was born. I really doubted that though. I mean how could they change so greatly over a nine month period of time? I was a good child to them, too. I did everything I could to make them love me. Then I did everything I could to make them hate me. I got the same reaction to both. Nothing. That’s when I gave up trying. I gave up on trying to make them care when I got nothing from them. They would always just wave their hand at me to signal for me to leave the room.
When I was younger I had to get use to my comic books being my friends. I believed at the time that the characters in the comics would protect and care for me because my own parents wouldn’t. This was, of course a load of bullshit, but for a little eight year old boy it was all he had to hold on to. The little villains vs heroes that would always rise to the top.
I had to stop swimming. I’ve been in the pool for an hour after class has gotten out, and from me pushing myself so much my muscles started to burn. There was no one here besides me. Coach Acks left about ten minutes ago. I pulled myself out of the pool and walked off to the locker room. I quickly stripped out of my swimming attire and jumped into one of the showers. The hot water smashed into my sore muscles relaxing me quickly. I really love showers. I was out of the shower not more than ten minutes later. I dress in a pair of spare clothes instead of my uniform, like I was really going to dress in that. I buttoned up my white shirt and tucked it into my bright blue jeans. I didn’t mind wearing these bright jeans because it just made me stand out among the other students. I grab a towel and begin to dry my hair with it as I leave the locker room through the back door. I pushed the doors open, not caring that they slammed into the wall. I stood in the doorway with my eyes closed, drying my hair a little before I continued walking. I turn the corner to see Vitale with his nose pressed up against the wall. What the heck is he doing? It doesn’t really matter though because I can talk to him now. I creep up behind him and whisper in his ear, “Whatcha up to, Vitale?”
Vitale swung around and hit me in the arm with his massive book. I grab the book and rip it away from him. “Dude, what the hell? You really need to work on your swing, ‘cause this book is fucking huge and that didn’t even hurt. If I really was an attacker, you’d be a goner.”
“Um...” Vitale made this face that made him look like he was in pain. Is he okay?
I grab Vitale’s wrist and hand him back his book. “Here.”
“Uh.” Again with the strange faces.
“So why are you hiding out in this secluded area? Stalking your nighttime lover?” I could just see Vitale trying to stalk someone. Him looking out from behind bushes and running for his life when he was spotted.
“No- I was. I was-” He wiggles the book he was holding, “reading.”
“In the dark? Isn’t that bad for your eyesight or something?” I reach out and touch his right temple.
“...Not that dark.” Vitale looked like he was out of breath or something. What is with these faces he was making? It was hard not to laugh when he is making those faces.
“So what are you doing here? Because you can’t be reading. You were all pressed up against that wall for a reason... I want to know.” I move my hand to his chin to tilt his gaze up to mine.
Vitale jumped back and smacked his head against the wall. “I gotta go. Um, feed my dog.”
“What?” You can’t have pets here.
Vitale points towards where the parking lot should be. “Ink needs me. Got to go. Um, goodbye.” Vitale took off after that. Vitale has a dog named Ink? What?
I walk away from Vitale slightly confused. What has just happened? I shrugged, whatever it was it was all him. I push the towel through my hair a little bit more than just lay it down across the back of my neck. It was then that my phone began to buzz. It’s Jessica I know it. She is most likely calling to say the my mom is worried, when she isn’t. I glanced around to see if anyone was near then started to head for my dorm. I would rather be there when I started yelling. I answered the phone.
“Hello.”
“Hello Caldwell.” This was not Jessica’s voice. No, this voice is cold and belongs to the owner of most of my pain. My walking quickened into a jog. I need to get home quickly before I make a scene.
“Mom.”
“I heard that you said something pretty rude to Jessica the other day.” She didn’t even ask how I was doing. Why would she ask such a motherly question anyway?
“I did no such thing. I just stated the facts that you don’t care very much about me.” I reached my dorm building and ran through it and up the stairs. Even though my muscles burned there was no time for elevators.
“I do care about you, and I would like you to stop treating Jessica like garbage.” I swung open my dorm room door. I have no idea how I ran that many flights of stairs in such little time, but I think my anger played a big part in it.
“You do not, and you want me to stop treating Jessica like garbage? I don’t treat her like garbage I treat her like a normal human being! If anyone needs to stop treating people like garbage it's you, mother. You need to stop treating your family like yesterday trash!”
“You’re right.” I stop dead in my tracks in the middle of the dorm room. James walks out of his room and raises his eyebrows at me. “You are right in the fact that I do not care about you; A good son, that I care about, would not talk about his mother this way.”
That’s when I snapped. “Me? Me?! I have been a fucking great son! You have been a terrible mother and haven’t cared about me since I was born! It’s ridiculous, so stop acting like you ever cared and just give up! I hate you!” I end the call before she could even get in another word. Anger filled me and I felt like throwing something. I have always had this problem but could keep it under control. My so called mom always brought it out, though. Just then I spun around and flipped one of the small couches. I let out a scream then punched a hole right through the wall.
“Shit, he’s on a rampage again,” I hear James say before he disappears. Most likely to find something that would help calm me down. Nothing could calm me down anymore. Another punch broke another hole in the wall. Well, nothing but Vitale.
~
“What brings you here Caldwell? It’s been so long since I have last seen you, and so suddenly. You didn’t even have an appointment. You are very lucky I was free,” A woman says to me.
“Sorry about being so sudden but I thought I could really use your help.” I lean back in my chair.
“Did someone tell you to come here?”
“I came of my own accord.”
“Well, that’s good. It means you want help.” She flips her little notepad to a new page. “Are you ready to start?”
This is what I love about Dr. Athena. She was always so caring about what I want to do. She was the only therapist I liked going to. Sometimes we wouldn’t even talk about my problems during my appointments all those years ago. We just talked. It was refreshing. I needed her again.
“Yes I am ready.”
“That’s good.” She gives me a friendly smile. “What made you want to come here?”
“I had another episode.” Dr. Athena knew that by “episode” I meant that I basically went on a rampage and broke some stuff. “I flipped the couch, broke a lamp, punched three holes in the wall, plus I think I gave my roommate a panic attack.” I chuckle quietly. “James was freaking out pretty bad.”
Dr. Athena nodded her head while her smile stayed on her face. It wasn’t false, it was a real smile. “What caused this episode?”
“My good-for-nothing mother.” My fist clenched.
“She can’t be good for nothing. She’s paying for you to come and see me.”
“That she is, but that’s just because I sent her a text saying that she needs to pay for me seeing you, and there is no way out of it. I wasn’t going to call her again she would most likely insult me about something that is really wrong with herself.”
Dr. Athena jots down a few notes on her pad. Whenever I ask her to, she will show me her notes. None of my other therapists would. “Is she the only source of your anger and stress?”
“No, there’s also this kid named Vitale, but I don’t want to talk about that right now.” Dr. Athena writes down another note. “Can I see your notes?” I ask her. She just nods and holds the notepad out towards me. The first note she wrote was: Still has some unresolved issues with family. Seconds was: Does not want to talk about Vitale.
“We don’t have to talk to him. Who do you think I am? A therapist? They force you to talk about your problems,” Dr. Athena jokes.
I laugh a little at what she said. She always tries her hardest to keep the mood upbeat. Another one of the many things I love about her. “Thank God you’re not a therapist.” We both laugh at this then Dr. Athena gets a little more serious.
“How is school for you Caldwell?”
“I haven’t gone to school much. I ditched it last week, but I did make some friends. There is, of course, James who has been by my side for, who knows how long, but there was this new kid. His name is Princeton and he’s pretty cool. He lets me call him Princy and everything. Though he has this weird hatred for his roommate that I don’t quite understand. He was mad because his roommate was walking around in his underwear, but I don’t see the big deal in that.”
“Do you know who this roommate is?”
“Uh, no.”
“Well, your friend Princeton might have reasons for not liking this roommate because of who he is. This roommate might make him uncomfortable. I can’t say what’s wrong with Princeton or as you call him “Princy.” I can say that his reasons are his and you can’t look too deep into them.”
“I guess that’s true, but I just wonder who is this roommate anyway. You know?”
Dr. Athena nodded her head at me making the brown curls fall off her shoulders. “Do you want me to look into it, and find out who his roommate is?”
“No, I want to find out for myself. Thanks for the offer though.”
“You’re welcome Caldwell.”
“Caldwell is a boring name you should stop calling me that,” I tell her.
“Would you prefer me to call you Mr. Irvine?”
“That’s worse.”
“If you give me a name, I will call you that instead.”
“Um, Cald, like everyone else does.”
“Fine, Cald. I will no longer call you Caldwell.”
I tell her thanks and we continue to talk. It was just like old times. We don’t talk about my problems but just talk in general. After about an hour or so we had to stop. Dr. Athena had to prepare for another appointment.
“Can I come back sometime soon?” I ask her while getting up out of the, plush chair.
“I would love to see you again Cald. Just make an appointment next time and if it’s an emergency call me.” Dr. Athena walks me to the front door. “It was nice talking to you again Cald. I can’t wait to have another conversation with you.”
We said our goodbyes and I left the room feeling just a little bit lighter inside. This is why I love my therapist.
When I got back home, to my dorm room, I walked in to see the whole living room a complete mess still. I could hear James in the kitchen and assumed he was cooking from smells that bombarded my nose. As he cooked I silently picked up pieces of the shattered lamp that I had thrown at the wall earlier. Once most of the pieces were picked up, and resting in a pile on my hand, I got up and threw them away in the bathroom trash. There was a small closet in the hallway that held cleaning supplies for the maid and students to use. I pulled out the vacuum and sucked up the rest of the broken shards with it. When I had put away the vacuum I began cleaning up the rest of the room; Picking up the couch and retrieving the cushions that I had thrown. When the room looked the same as it did before my episode- besides the missing lamp and three holes in the wall- I sat down on the couch and placed my face in my hands. I need to stop making such big messes. This has been my first episode in a while, but I shouldn’t be having episodes in the first place. I shouldn’t worry everyone around me for my own selfish reasons.
“I made you food.” I look up at the voice to see James holding a plate of chicken and noodles with alfredo sauce on them out towards me. “I didn’t have any fish to cook you but I know you really like noodles with alfredo.” I smile and grab the plate from James. My favorite food was fish and I did love noodles with alfredo.
“Thanks James, you’re the best.” I dug into the food placed in front of me while James took a set besides me. This is why me and James are best friends. We may bicker like a married couple, but in the end James knows me like the back of his hand and is always there for me. I was the same way with him.
“So about your episode...” James trails off. He has seen my episodes before. I had them a lot more when I was younger. “What was that about?”
“My mom is a bitch who doesn’t understand how to take care of children.” I stuff a piece of chicken into my mouth. Dang, James is a good cook.
“That makes sense why you freaked out. She’s always done that to you.” James sighs and turns towards me. “I’m here for you, man. If anything is on your mind you can tell me and I won't judge. We are best friends so we can trust each other.” I smile at James debating whether I should tell him about Vitale or not.
Screw it I’m telling him. What do I gotta lose?
“I need to tell you something James.” I stare down at my almost empty plate of food in front of me. “I think I like someone.”
“You’re girlfriend?”
“I broke up with her. I didn’t really like her as anything more than a friend.” I still didn’t meet his eyes.
“Then who is it?”
“Vitale Nova,” I say quickly. I knew James has heard because he didn’t say anything for a while. I started to eat the rest of my food in silence as I waited for James’ answer. I bet he was going to hate me. Going to kick me out. Why in the hell did I tell him?
“Vitale Nova... that quiet kid who you wanted to talk to today? He’s a guy, a gay guy, but a guy all the same.”
“And I like him.” I scoop another fork full of noodles in my mouth. I sneak a peek at James to see the confused look on his face. Suddenly James turns towards me with a huge grin.
“That’s good for you, bud. It’s even better for Vitale. The lucky little quiet guy has you wrapped around his finger.” James breaks out laughing. “That’s too good.”
“I am not wrapped around his finger! If anything he is wrapped around mine.”
“That’s even better! You guys have that whole secret lover thing going on. I see.”
“We're not dating.”
“Then get dating!”
“We are not dating.”
“Kill joy.” James smiles at me. “Hey do you think I’m hot? In your expert gay guy opinion?”
“You, my friend, are a babe. Total gay dude magnet. You bring all them gay boys to the yard with your milkshake.”
“That is not what I meant.”
“Oh, but it’s the answer you got, my friend. Just face it. You attract all them dudes.” I stand up laughing while I walk to the kitchen to drop my empty plate in the sink. James glares at me while I walk off to my bedroom. I’m getting kind of tired. Before I walk into my room I yell out to James, “don’t worry, no gay guy will creep on you too hard; After one look at me, they’ll drop you like a sack of rocks. So just stick to women.” I was in my room once again with little care in the world. I was happy. I was truly happy, even though my mother had ruined my day.
On a spur of the moment thing I picked up my phone and called Jessica.
“Caldy?” Jessica asks when she answers the phone.
“Hey, I thought I should talk to you... I always call you after I have an episode.”
“You had an episode?” Jessica’s voice was laced with concern
“Yeah, it was a while ago, but I did. And before you ask, it was because of my mother.”
“I’m so sorry Caldy.”
“It’s fine Jessica, I just wish I could see you. You were always there when I was having a episode. I would always go out and see you. Maybe tomorrow or sometime later we could do something together?”
“I have plans this week.”
“Well how about we do something at sometime in the next couple of months, yes?” I ask with a laugh.
“Sounds wonderful!”
Jessica and I kept talking late into the night. Our conversation changed from school, to her family, to her new modeling job, to this guy she kinda likes. We talked about Vitale for about two seconds, and by the end of the night we were talking about dinosaur and how fun it would be to ride them. This was a good day. It had it’s ups and downs, but all together, today was a really good day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
New Chapter! Yeah! Is it just me or does Caldwell's mother suck? I think she does! I also quite like Caldwell's therapist. How many of you thought Caldwell would have anger problems?
Anyway picutre on the side is of Couch Acks. As always Vote and Comment or whatever.
I love you all my Humanoid pals.
~Odds