Caleb
I was screwed. Real screwed. I’d crossed too many lines, said a lot of things I shouldn’t have, and kicked myself in the ass, you get the picture. The sun hadn’t even hit the sheets yet and I’d already—
Geezus.
Stupid clock. Scared the hell outta of me. Didn’t matter how many times I’d fixed it, the piece of junk always ran late. Chimed whenever it wanted to. Worst part was, every hour or so that ratty old cuckoo wailed like a loon—screeching its sanity away.
I didn't feel too far off from the old bird. Since this morning, I had this feeling that I was going out of my mind—there were hints all over the place. Like whenever I did something real bad, I didn’t feel like it was me doing it.
Sounds like whack-job talk, but sometimes my body just up and switched into autopilot and that was that. Blackout. Those times scared me worse than anything.
In my head, I guess I saw myself as someone different—someone trying to figure out which way was up. Maybe if I stopped listening to what everybody else wanted out of me, I could flip things around, maybe even turn out semi-decent. Problem with lying to yourself is, you only ever half-believe it.
Twenty minutes back, Cillian stepped outside to find Marcus. He didn’t say much, just left me alone in the house. I didn’t mind being by myself, but sometimes I’d get to thinking about things. Things I probably shouldn’t.
I needed a distraction, so I limped over into the kitchen and stuck my head in the sink. I didn’t pick up on how dark the water was at first, but when I opened my eyes, it was bloody—too bloody to be only mine.
I jerked my head out and threw up all over my Chucks. Blood, water, and spit spattered down onto my only good pair of shoes—I loved the hell outta those shoes. Marcus caught me off guard.
“You alright, Caleb?”
The guy could walk into a room without anyone hearing his feet hit the floor.
“Fine, just washing up.”
I straightened out and wiped the spit off the corners of my mouth. If he’d been paying attention, he would’ve caught me in an easy lie.
“Give us a hand then.”
I didn’t know what it was about what he’d said, but it rubbed me the wrong way. I couldn't bring myself to run across the room and help him like always. Maybe it was nerves or maybe I was sick of him slaving me around.
Either way, his God complex was gonna push me over the edge if he didn’t keep it in check.
When I stayed put, Cillian whistled me over three or four times like a goddamn dog. I’d cut his lips off if it meant never having to hear that shit again. But the longer I stayed put, the more he kept at it.
Him and Marcus were carrying something covered in burlap into the house. Must’ve been heavy ‘cause Cillian stopped whistling when he ran out of breath. My brothers weren’t making much progress, so I shuffled in their direction, trying not to choke on my pride.
Marcus caught his foot on the edge of the carpet, and Rusty’s hand slipped out from under the crosshatched cloth. His wedding ring caught the sunlight.
For the first time in my life, my pulse slowed to a near stop. Seeing somebody who means anything to you like that is enough to do you in. I wish it had. Would’ve saved me from feeling like I did.
Took me a minute to take my eyes off Rusty, but when I finally got around to it, my Adam’s apple swelled up about as big as a grapefruit. I didn’t dare cry.
“Are you just gonna stand there, Caleb? Get over here, the old man’s heavy!” Cillian said.
I should’ve hit him for complaining like he was. Matter of fact, I thought about clearing the kitchen table just to knock his jaw backwards. It would’ve been enough for me just to see him bleed, but I didn’t make a move.
Two against one would’ve been suicide, so I stood where I was, soaked through my wife beater, just staring at Rusty’s ring.
Cillian and Marcus shuffled past me, both turning purple in the face under Russ's weight. They stumbled through the kitchen, both covered in so much sweat I could smell the stink from where I was.
Marcus nodded me in the direction of the cold store. He must’ve had it in his head that I was gonna go along with whatever he said. He didn’t even look at me when he asked. He didn’t have any plans to either, cause’ if he did, he would’ve seen the resentment scrawled all over my face.
“Get the door, Caleb!”
He screamed at me, but I didn’t have an inch worth of patience for that kind of crap.
“Figure out a free hand and open it yourself," I said.
Marcus tensed up and clamped down on his teeth so hard his jaw line jutted right out of his face. He stepped to me, forgetting what he was holding, and Rusty’s head rolled right across his t-shirt and stained the cheap cotton sticky red.
He paled a little, his inner softy freaking out at the sight of blood all over his clothes. Murder wasn’t something Tide was gonna fix.
“Caleb, get the hell over here and stop standing around like an idiot!"
Marcus' stutter came out from its hiding place whenever nerves got the best of him. He tripped over his C’s and G’s so bad I thought he’d choke on his tongue. Wouldn't have been a tragedy if he did. Cillian scrambled to keep Rusty’s feet at chest-level.
He looked crazy trying to prop up a guy twice his weight. Marcus didn't have the grit left in him to keep helping him out. He'd turned white enough to pass for paper, and looked to me to pick up his slack, like always. Right or wrong, he'd end up getting his way. He always did.
Marcus didn’t wait for me to make a decision, just hauled over Rusty’s body, dropped him into my lap, and bailed. Just like that. He waltzed right into the kitchen, sat down, and propped his feet up. Can’t say I expected him to act any different.
I’d been pissed at him before, but this was something else. This was something that would eat me alive if I didn’t keep an eye on it. Lord knows how long an angry conscience can babysit a bad temper.
Once Marcus’s color came back, he fell right into throwing orders around again.
“The two of you can leave him in the freezer, we can’t have Russ bleeding all over the welcome mat,” he said.
I barely heard a word. The second Rusty’s head fell into my hands, I started shaking so badly I thought I’d drop him. I couldn’t do this. I wasn’t even gonna try.
Maybe Marcus and Cillian were cut out for covering up murder, but I didn’t have whatever it was they did. Maybe I was messed up. Maybe I was the milkman’s kid, ‘cause I was the only one who couldn’t follow through.
“We can’t do that to Russ, Marcus. Get off your ass and grab a shovel from out back so we can bury him properly,” I said.
“What’s wrong, Caleb? Worried your girlfriend won’t take nicely to a corpse? Don’t fret too much, she’s not far off from being one herself,” Cillian said.
He shut himself up a few seconds too late. I couldn’t tell if he was running his mouth like he always did or spilling bits and pieces of the truth. Either way, he was asking for a fight.
“What’s he talking about, Marcus?”
“Nothing that concerns you.”
“All of this concerns me. I got you Anderson’s kid. I’m the guy the cops are coming for. So don’t give me any shit about what concerns me and what doesn’t,” I said.
My pulse beat against the skin of my eyelids, and I bunched my fists just to keep from beating his face in. Marcus didn’t say anything for a while. Not a damn word, just stood there, looking down from the hard ridge of his nose, making the couple inches he had on me feel like miles.
"We’re all upset about Rusty, Caleb, but you're better off swallowing the hurt and realizing what kind of situation you put us in when you brought him here. "
"Blame me until you believe it, Marcus, but the cuffs were your call.”
Marcus stood up from his chair and b-lined for me first chance he got. I pulled one of my hands loose and got a couple hard right hooks in, but he wrestled Rusty out of my grip. He shoved me out of the way, and I backed off, trying to swallow the sting of being put in my place.
I lost that fight for Russ more than anyone else.
Cillian and Marcus dragged Rusty into the cold store despite me. I heard Hailey sobbing from where I was and tuned her out. I couldn’t deal with her right now. I couldn’t deal with any of this. There was blood all over the floor, all over my hands, all over me.
That’s when I felt it—the start of another blackout.
I glanced over to the back door. It was so close—close enough to hear the cicadas hissing up storms in the grass outside. Three steps and I could be outta here. Maybe I’d walk fifteen miles into town, turn myself in, and let the legal system screw with me for a while. Or maybe I’d run around the fields ‘til I got lost enough to forget my way home.
I blinked once and was out the door. Twice. Running. The third time, I tripped over my shoelaces.
I hit the dirt and sucked in a mouthful of dust before pulling myself up. Thirty-seconds out into the fields and I’d already landed flat on my face. God wanted me to stay right where I was. Dust to dust, I guess.
I looked down to see a hand hanging on to the bottom of my jeans. It moved. I nearly stopped breathing.
The fingers gripped around my ankle and pulled hard enough to tear my foot clean off. I kicked my leg out, tried to shake it off, and screamed louder than a fourteen-year old girl when it grabbed me tighter.
“Shut up, Caleb! Keep up that hollering, and you’ll have the army out for us!”
Liam looked up at me from the ground, his hand still clamped around my ankle. His eyes gleamed in the dark like he’d been crying.
I’d only seen him cry once in my life. I didn’t like thinking about that day. I didn’t know how I’d managed to find him after he’d been gone for as long as he had, but now that we were face to face again, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to find him still breathing when Rusty wasn’t.
The good people go first. They die sooner than the rest of us ‘cause Heaven can’t wait to have them back. Nothing was waiting for my brothers and me. We were the cockroaches. We’d be the lonely ones.
I didn’t say anything for a long while, just stared at Liam ‘til my eyes stung. He was in bad shape, the hard lines and worry crawling all over his face gave away his injuries.
I should’ve asked him what happened, but I didn’t, ‘cause all I could think about how was much blood I’d seen and how much of it he was responsible for.
“What are you staring at?” he asked, trying his hardest to intimidate me, but it took more energy and effort than he had left in him.
He turned paler than I’d ever seen and struggled just to sit up straight. Could’ve been worse, he could’ve been dead and frozen in a meat locker.
“Still too angry about your dead pig friend to give me a hand?”
The first punch was easiest. You never feel the sting on the first few. Couple swings in, I picked up the pace and pounded his head in like it was a pillow. Didn’t matter if I’d pay for it later, I wanted him to feel at least a fraction of what he’d done to me.
I didn’t want him dead, I just wanted him to hear what I was saying with my fists. This is how we understood each other. Maybe we were crazy for that.
I hit him ‘til I couldn’t anymore. Liam latched onto my arm and pulled himself up, blood spilling out of his wounded shoulder and the new gashes on his face. He spat out a mouthful of red and smiled at me through bloody teeth. I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but it made my skin crawl.
“I’m sorry about the old man, Cal.”
He sounded like he meant it.
“You alright?” I asked.
“Do I look alright, Caleb?
His arm hung dead at his left side.
“Not too terrible,” I said, half-choking on a lie.
Rusty had blown a hole about the size of a quarter straight through his shoulder—just burnt skin and broken flesh staring me in the face. Good thing he couldn’t see it. Liam was the type to spook every time he caught a cold.
Strangely enough, now that he’d really hurt himself, he was calmer than he should’ve been.
“Your pig friend put up quite a tiff. He had me worried back there for a minute.”
He reached over to cover up his gunshot wound. The dust in the air was starting to stick to it.
“Don’t start that conversation, Liam.”
He laughed to himself. Nothing was funny.
“You know, you’re as fussy as Ma used to be. Should’ve named you Carlie with those mood swings of yours. Man up a little, Caleb. You’re making this harder on yourself than you need to.”
He was right, but I’d be damned before I admitted it.
“Every time we have to make a hard decision you’re up in arms, Cal.”
“I’m not. I just don’t know if I’m okay with everything we’re doing. I’m not too sure why you are.”
Liam’s eyes swam south towards the dirt.
“We’re doing what we have to, Cal.”
I wished he knew how crazy he sounded. Scared me that he didn’t.
“This family is mine, Caleb. I’ll bleed for it, and I’ll murder for it, and that’s exactly what I’ve done. That redneck threatened me, so I put a bullet in his brain. I eliminated the problem. Took responsibility. So, get it through your head that until Anderson is here in the flesh begging for that tramp back, I’m gonna do whatever I need to.”
Another ultimatum. No use arguing about it. Common sense didn’t make a difference to him anymore.
“What do we do about Hailey? I beat her up pretty bad earlier. Maybe we should let her Dad see the kind of shape she’s in to get him out here faster,” I said.
Liam looked close to being proud of me for what I’d said. I didn’t mean a word of it.
“Attaboy, Cal! I like your thinking, but I’ve got a few other ideas. More creative. She’ll make a pretty spectacle. Too bad I have to ruin her, Ma would’ve loved her, you know.”
“Let’s get back to the house. It’s getting dark.”
Ma wasn’t something I was gonna talk about with Liam or anyone else. This conversation would’ve made her sick. I hated Anderson as much as Liam—but I wasn’t angry enough to do the kinds of things to Hailey he was talking about. I’d die for my family, but I wouldn’t kill for them.
I helped Liam to his feet before he bled himself dry. Walking back through those fields, I had a bad feeling about how things were gonna go down once we got home. So, I made a decision. The kind you have to own, the kind you regret if you didn’t stick to it.
I wasn’t gonna hurt anybody anymore. My brothers could beat me ‘til my kidneys burst, but I wasn’t gonna touch Hailey or anyone else even if they hated me for it.
Problem with lying to yourself is, you only ever half believe it.