The tears came then, and I suddenly slouched over, trying to hide my face in my knees and hands. Then I felt a full embrace. It was the most comforting feeling in the world. I wanted to return the hug, but I felt weak and helpless. I sat there for either 3 seconds or 2 hours before the warm pressure was released, but shame still stopped me from looking up.
I heard a door open, and soft voices as my teacher addressed the one next door, asking him to keep an eye on the class. Then, I felt a hand on my shoulder once more, before he whispered, "can you stand up?"
I took a deep breath before complying. As I stood, I felt cold and vulnerable. 30 eyes watched me, some frightened, some amused and shocked, some angry. One or two appeared concerned, but I tried my hardest to ignore the lot of them. As I followed him out of the room and into the hall, I felt myself become much more at ease. But then I began to fear where he was bringing me. The nurse? The counselor? The principal? I stopped walking and stared ahead at him.
"You're not getting in trouble. Come on," he ordered lightly, without ever looking back.
Again, I took a deep breath, but followed him. It wasn't long after that I realized where he was going: outside. He led us to the double doors. He leaned against the door, turning back to me and using his body weight to open it. He stared at me all the while. "Come on," he said again, immediately before turning around and continuing out.
I was more confused than ever, but the cold, fresh air cleared my mind a bit.
"Okay, sit." He pointed to a spot along a windowless wall of the school building. I obeyed, and he sat beside me and stared out at the nearby forest. All was silent for about a minute. I began to fidget a bit. What was he doing?
"Was this the first?" He said.
"The first?" I questioned, feeling clueless.
He paused. "Your first outbreak like this?"
"Yes." It was only partially a lie, I thought. Any other 'psychotic' thoughts I've had have been utterly benign, and nothing I acted on.
"Alright," he responded. It was silent again for a while.
"I'm not going to explain anything," I told him finally.
"I'm not expecting you to. I'm just thinking." Another moment of silence. "You're not insane."
I finally looked up from my hands and glanced at him. How could he say that? I just tried to kill a girl. Whether or not he knew about the other delusions, there was no way I was sane.
"Look at it this way," he continued, looking back at me. "A psychiatrist would say differently, but I personally don't believe you're insane."
"And what does that matter?" I snapped.
"I don't know why it would, but I think it might to you."
I didn't respond, because oddly, he was right. Just the fact that he was trusting enough of me to sit 3 inches away made me feel better. I knew he was smart; probably one of the most intelligent people I'd met, so I just felt like I had to trust him. Maybe that was stupid of me.
"I know it wasn't really you wanting to hurt her," he said.
"What do you mean?"
"You would never have reacted in such a way under normal circumstances. I know you. I don't know what did cause it, but it wasn't you."
"Are you saying I was possessed or something?" I giggled at the thought, but quickly sobered in light of the situation.
"Ha, as if I believe in that stuff. No. It's more like a glitch in the human mind or something."
"So you're saying my brain is problematic and broken."
"Yeah, exactly," he said sarcastically. "You females are so literal. Now, come on. Let's get back to class."
"But, no one else is gonna trust me back there."
"They will," he smiled. For a moment I couldn't help but notice how... adorable, he looked. That's such a creepy thing to think, I thought.
We walked into the classroom and I heard a few whispers as they took notice of me. "Guys," Mr. Salley laughed. "It was a joke. I was testing your reactions. For the record, you all failed." There were a few cautious laughs, and everyone seemed to ease up a bit. "Thank you, Ms. Craig. Take a seat." He continued on with the lesson as though nothing had happened.
***
*Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.* The final bell of the day sounded. "Make sure to finish reading the rest of the document," Mr. Salley shouted over the eruption of chatter and rustling paper. "Alli!" He called. My heart skipped as I turned and made my way through the crowd over to his desk.
"Would you mind staying after?"
"Uh, no, I guess not," I said, not wanting to be disobedient.
That's partially a lie. I wanted to stay with him.
After the last person finally exited, it became eerily silent again. Mr. Salley typed a few things on his laptop before closing the lid and looking at me. I stood awkwardly beside his desk, not knowing what to do.
"Go ahead and sit." He reached over and pulled the nearest chair next to me. I sat and stared at my feet. "You know, you're quite brilliant," he said.
I laughed slightly.
"You don't believe me." It wasn't a question, so I didn't respond. He sighed. "Brilliant, but very oblivious," he muttered. "Well, how are you doing?"
"Better, I guess."
"How so?"
"Everyone seemed to believe your lie. That makes it easier. And I haven't had another 'outbreak' yet, so my fear has dwindled a bit."
"Well, good. But beyond that. How has school been going?" He leaned over and stared into my eyes; I glanced around the room uncomfortably.
"I don't know..."
"Your grades have been slipping a bit. I'm concerned."
"How badly?"
"Nothing severe yet, but you've gone from straight A's to mainly B's, and I don't want them to continue downhill. What's happening?"
"I... I don't know," I repeated.
"Well, I'm gonna be keeping a close eye on you. You've got a bright future, and if something is bugging you and affecting that, I want to help. Please let me know sometime, okay?"
"Yeah... Sure," I mumbled. This was weird. No one had ever been concerned about my grades before.
He looked at me for another moment. "Okay. You can go."
Crap, I thought. No, I can't. "Uh... Well..."
"You don't have a ride, do you?" He said, reading my mind once again.
"No... My mother has to work until at least six, and I don't have a car."
He looked at his desk, then back to me. "Can you wait here with me for half an hour?"
"Well, yes, but--"
"I can give you a ride then. I know I shouldn't, but I don't really care about that right now."
I laughed. "Don't, I can--"
"No, it's okay," he said kindly.
It was silent as he graded papers and I did homework. At least, I tried to, but I couldn't stop thinking. Well, about everything BESIDES geologic faults. My science homework sat untouched, and I contemplated my own feelings for that half an hour. What had happened today? Would it happen again? Why was Mr. Salley being like this? And why was I enjoying the extra attention?
I considered the possibility of me having a crush on him. It was weird, and I didn't like the idea, but it wasn't entirely crazy. Not for me, anyway. I always seemed more attracted to older guys. But 15 years was way too far of a stretch. Or was it?
I glanced at him. He wore a dark gray sweater over his shirt and tie, which for some reason I found adorable. His deep brown eyes stared intently at his work. His brown hair, otherwise smooth, stuck out slightly in the front, somehow framing his face perfectly along with the stubble. His face was imperfect yet somehow appeared beautiful to me in a way I could never explain.
*Okay, I've got to stop! This is beyond creepy.*
Ugh, I don't think I can. My feelings were odd, but they were unfortunately real, and I realized, they've been there for the past 6 months.