HI I AM SO SORRY... again. I was writing the Calum fanfic AND IM EXCITED FOR IT. SOOO yeah.
Anyway, enjoy. I love you all loads.
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After days of not eating properly and not being myself, the contents of my kitchen are still sort of complete. Luke and I decided to cook for a change. He's getting tired of pizza, he says, after having it for dinner for almost every day for the past week.
"So what can you cook?" I asked him, making him reach up for the spices at the top shelf.
Luke just shrugged. "Well, you know, I could always combine water with the Campbell soup."
"Oh please," I laughed. "Just help me out here. It should be easy. The only meat I have are salmon fillets, so you're gonna have to settle for fish instead of grilled steak. But I could cook some alfredo pasta."
"Can't really complain. I'm not cooking." He said, placing the last of the ingredients on the kitchen counter. "Also, since when did you learn how to cook like this?"
"Andy." I answered.
Luke raised an eyebrow.
I rolled my eyes. "Do you really think all Andy and I ever talk about are boys? And also, it's fun hanging out in their kitchen when his mom is cooking. She's an excellent cook."
"Oh right, Dina! Yeah, I remember."
"Yeah!" I looked at him. "I forgot you've already met her."
Luke nodded, opening the can of soup. "New Year's Eve last year."
"Yeah, I know." I said. "It just feels like it's so long ago. A lot has happened since then."
I found myself shocked. Everything's happening so fast. This time last year, we were on the plane to Sydney. I was about to meet Luke's family for the holidays. I was bat-shit scared but it felt good. And now, I don't know.
Luke didn't reply. He just smiled at me briefly before continuing what he was doing.
He started singing out some songs while we were preparing. I missed hearing Luke sing. I didn't even dare interrupt him. He seemed so light and easy-going tonight. I wish it was the same for me. But there's something on the back of my head that's been telling me that after this, it's going to be another whirlpool of pain.
"Last chance" was what he was asking for. And here I am, giving it to him. But either way, I know the ending's going to be the same. Well, might as well just enjoy whatever tonight is. Who knows, it might be the last...
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"You know, my mother told me, if a girl knows how to cook, she can marry," Luke said, taking another bite of the salmon. Honestly, it turned out better than what I was expecting.
I laughed, "Liz isn't wrong."
We were on the balcony, just sitting on the floor and eating our meals. This is the closest we could do to a romantic picnic date. The cool breeze blows around us. Only a week more and it's going to be Christmas. Almost a year ago, Luke and I were still together, enjoying the holidays in Sydney, making out in front of my parent's grave, just enjoying each other's company. But now, I don't even see that happening. It scares me how much a year can change in our lives. It's crazy and amazing, yes, but also, very terrifying.
This time next year, I might be successful. I might live some place else, or be constantly travelling. This time next year, I know there would be a lot of people that I know whom I haven't even heard of now. At that time, a lot of things are going to change. It's exciting what the future has in store for us. But it got me frightened. I mean, what if this time, next year... Luke and I won't even be talking to each other anymore. That's totally not something to be excited about.
"Hey," I heard Luke say, "Earth to Sydny. Hello."
I looked at him. "I'm sorry. What?"
"I've called your name, like, five times. What were you thinking about?" He asked. He's already finished with his plate.
"Nothing," I lied. "Are you done?"
"Yep. It's amazing, and I am really full." Luke chuckled. "Thanks for dinner."
"You're welcome," I smiled. For a moment, I just stared at Luke. He was busy looking at the view, his eyebrows scrunched together. I remember the first time I watched him leave; when we were on the airport, and they had to go on tour. I tried to take in all of his features. His eyes. His nose. His lips. Everything. It was overwhelming to look at. He really was beautiful. Although, he seemed to have aged a bit. But still, I see the man I fell in love with. And that hurt.
He looked back at me. "What?"
"Nothing," I said. "Come on. I'm gonna' wash the dishes while you pick a movie or something. And try not to disarrange stuffs, okay? I just cleaned the place up."
"Yes, ma'am." Luke said, standing up. "Don't forget to take your medications, Syd."
"Almost forgot about that," I admitted. "Thanks."
"Anytime."
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The medicines that my doctor prescribed are annoying. They're making me drowsy every time I take them.
"That's how you know it's taking effect," my doctor said. He also told me that I needed to feel tired and sleepy cause I can't keep on staying up late at night.
After getting done with the dishes, I went to take my meds. Luke was singing Daylight by Maroon 5, which I find crazy given my situation. Actually, a lot of things feel crazy at this moment. This "last chance" thing isn't just Luke's last chance to prove himself or that we should try again. It actually feels more like a last chance for us to be together one last time. Tomorrow is definitely going to be different.
God, I am such a mess.
With a sigh to myself, I walked to my room. Luke was already lying on the bed with his legs crossed. He was busy doing something on his phone, so he didn't really notice when I walked in. After what happened between me and Nick, I asked the technician of my building to move my TV set from the living room to my bedroom, mostly because moping on the couch all day gives me stiff necks. Partly because, messing my bed up was oddly satisfying at that time. I came to regret that behavior when I came home crying last night. The mess was frustrating.
Anyway, I went to lie down beside Luke, but there was still a good 1 feet that separated us from each other. From where I was, I could see he was watching random snapchat stories. He glanced at me momentarily when I settled in, but looked back at his phone.
"What, you're seriously gonna' sit that far away?" He said, his eyes glued to the screen. He was viewing Calum's snapstory.
"You're seriously not gonna' look at me?" I retorted, looking at him with an eyebrow raised.
Luke grinned, and stopped watching stories. He turned to face me. "I miss you talking to me like that."
"Oh shut up." I said.
"Come on, let's post a snap with the hoe filter. Why does everyone call this a hoe filter anyway?" He said, pulling me closer to him and snapping a selfie with the dog filter.
"They call that the hoe filter?" I laughed. "Oh god, I look like shit there."
He just shrugged. "Let's take another one then," Luke said, but he also saved the previous one.
This time, he had it on video.
"Hiii--*dog-licking sound*" Luke said to the camera, I waved a little too enthusiastically. "I'm with the Sydny-dazzle.. Sydazzle? Whatever."
I laughed, looking at him. "Okay, stop trying."
"Hey, that was clever!" He said defensively. "Sydazzle." He turned to face me. I looked at him, sticking my tongue out. I saw his expression turn serious, and mine did too, as we realized how close our faces were. For some reason, I found myself out of breath. Luke's eyes fluttered down to my lips, making me bite it subconsciously. His free hand touched my cheek gently, sending shivers up my spine, while the other dropped his phone into the matress. That's when I realized he was filming us on snapchat.
Um shit.
I cleared my throat, looking away. I heard the muffled sound of the video on a loop. Luke took his phone and watched, holding his phone in angle where I could look at it as well. I saw the corners of his mouth curl up into a smile.
I'm amazed by how much happiness a 10-second video could capture. I couldn't help but smile. I felt sort of relieved when I realized that the video was cut up briefly to the part where I looked back at Luke when he looked at me while muttering "Sydazzle."
Luke's thumb hovered over the "add to story" button. He looked at me, waiting for approval. Well, what could possibly go wrong? (A lot lol). But this night is about making the most of us. And I'm not about to ruin it because of a snapchat story. So I just shrugged and tapped the button myself. For a moment, Luke was stunned. But it didn't take long for him to recover. He smiled, and placed his phone on the bedside table.
"So what are we watching Hemmings?" I asked, putting myself in a comfortable position.
"This movie is called About Time, which is... you know, basically about time." He explained awkwardly, lying down next to me. We were both facing the TV screen, and the only thing touching between us are our shoulders. "Starring Rachel McAdams and some guy. I forgot his name. It's awesome, though. Just watch."
He hit play.
Well, Luke isn't wrong. The movie was about time. To be more clear, it was about this guy named Tim who can travel back in time and relive some of his memories, maybe even change some details about his past, so and so. He didn't meet Rachel's character, who was named Mary, until about 20 minutes into the movie, I think.
By the time, they met, Luke and I were already cuddling. Honestly, who are we kidding? We've been in the same bed too many times that it felt uncomfortable just sitting there, minding our own personal space. So I made the first move and wrapped my arms around his torso, and entangled my legs with his. When I did so, I felt him suck in a breath. I look up to meet his eyes. He smiled and kissed the top of my head.
"I was actually waiting for you to do that," He laughed, his chest vibrating mildly.
"You're welcome. Now, shh." I said.
While watching the movie, there were a lot of times when I spaced out. I kept on asking Luke what happened. Why?
I was thinking, what if I had the power to go back in time and change some things? Would I change anything? Or would I be completely okay with this? Well, obviously, the current situation is not so okay. But if I did go back in time, what would I change?
Would I go back to the time when Luke and I first met and not talk to him as much as I did? Or not give his friends my number? Would I change the fact that I agreed to go out with him? If I go back to the time I found out he cheated, would I forgive him at once? Would I try hard to just move on and never answer his calls? If I go back to the time when I met Nick when things are being rough between Luke and I, would I not agree to meet again? Would I have let him take away my pain? If I go back to the time when Luke and I were on the same plane back to L.A., should I have just ignored him? Should I not have agreed to go out with him that day Michael and Melissa set us up? I definitely know I shouldn't have kissed him that day.
I think I would know the answer to most of those questions. But it isn't answering them that scares me. What scares me is the possible outcome. What if I just never entertained Luke the day we met on the plane? Then I never would have gotten the chance to fall in love with him. Not ever knowing him would be a whole lot easier. But I can't even think where I would be right now if I never knew him. Heck, if I never knew Luke, would Melissa and Michael even know each other?
Then I realized I am here at this moment because of all the choices I have made, no matter how beautiful or horrible they are. Actually, I'm thankful for those experiences. Without them, I won't be half the person that I am now. There's no sense in going back to the past because it's over. Everything surely happens for a reason. There's a reason why Luke never stopped. There's a reason why I'm here right now. There's a reason all this is happening. And I really can't fucking wait to find out the answer to all the unanswered why's.
"You seem to be in deep thought," Luke observed. "What are you thinking about?"
"Stuffs," I said, then changed the subject immediately. "Why? What happened? I spaced out again, I'm so sorry."
"Well, Tim and Mary live together now. And he went back to their first sex a lot of times." He laughed. "And now, they live together, and he's about to meet her parents."
"Ooh, scary." I said.
"Meeting the parents? Is it really?" Luke asked.
"Yeah! You're supposed to worry, cause you need to get them to like you!" I exclaimed. "Weren't you nervous when you first introduced me to Liz?"
His eyebrows furrowed. "Not really. I was pretty sure she'll love you."
"Oh," I said. I felt the color rushing to my cheeks. "That's sweet. Well, I'm pretty sure my parents loved you too, even though we basically made out in front of them."
"Shit, right." He said. We laughed at the thought. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
We shifted positions after Luke complained that his arm felt dead. He sat up, his back against the headboard. I sat in front of him, my legs crossed. I'm not good at explaining this lol. You know how gamer couples sit together in front of the console (*cough* Michael and Melissa) and the girl sits in front of the guy? Yeah, that position. It was comfortable. This was how we used to sit together when I was busy studying or doing something on my phone and Luke was busy playing FIFA with his friends. But right now, his hands weren't occupied with a controller so his arms were wrapped around my waist, his chin resting on the crook of my neck.
"Their relationship is awesome," Luke said in a low voice, since his mouth was basically next to my ear. "Not too much fights. Very open. Kissing all the time. Sex all the time. It's like everyday is the golden age of their relationship."
"Is that how you like your relationships?" I asked.
Luke laughed lightly. "Well, yeah. I mean, I've only been in two relationships. But Tim and Mary's are literally relationship goals."
"Please." I rolled my eyes. "He went back in time to perfect the way he approaches her so he would sound interesting."
"But they still clicked." Luke said. "And they talked all night, and he walked her home. Those kinds of stuff."
I laughed. "You're more of a hopeless romantic than I am, you know that."
"Well, if you want, I'd walk you home too, but we're already here."
"And I think it's perfect," I smiled. We stayed quiet for a few moments. It was already the part when Tim was proposing to Mary. He just woke her up in the middle of the night with romantic music playing in the background and asked her. Simple, yet romantic.
And apparently, Luke knows the lyrics to the song.
"When I fall in love, it will be forever." He sang. It was jazz so his voice was deeper than usual. And oh god, how I love his deep singing voice.
"I love this song," Luke sighed. He asked me to move aside so he could stand up. As he reached his hand out to me, he said "May I have this dance?"
I laughed. "You're being silly. The song will end soon."
Luke rolled his eyes and grabbed the remote. He hit pause, whipped his phone out and browsed on Spotify.
"Do they even have the About Time soundtrack on Spotify?" I asked. Luke held his phone up, showing me the screen. And there was the soundtrack.
"The only thing that isn't on Spotify right now is Taylor Swift." He shrugged. "Now, may I have this dance or not?"
"Well, of course, you may." I smiled, taking his hand.
Luke pulled me towards him gently, and said "You know, your balcony is much nicer."
"Then what the hell are we doing here?" I said.
We walked silently to the balcony with the familiar feeling of my hand in his. It always feels right holding and being held by Luke. Something about the sensation it gives me never gets old. When we got to the balcony, Luke hit play on the phone then tucked it in his back pocket.
As the song starts, Luke placed his hand around my waist, while I put mine around his neck. We swayed to the cool sound of jazz filled the air, together with the cool LA breeze. He rested his forehead in mine, our noses touching.
"It's not our usual dance-in-the-rooftop thing," he said softly, "but it's close enough."
I just smiled. "Shh. Don't ruin the moment."
Luke let out a light laugh, and planted a soft kiss on my forehead, making my eyes flutter close. God, I just wanted to stay like that forever.
"In a restless world as this is, love is ended before it's begun," He started singing again.
Luke took one of my hands in his, while his other hand was still at my waist. The classic waltz position. But he pulled me closer to him so I was basically resting my head on his chest. I could feel his heartbeat, together with the soft vibrations that his voice makes on his chest while he was singing. I close my eyes and concentrated to the sound of his voice. It won't be hard for me to fall asleep right now. After just taking my meds, I will be very drowsy very soon anyway. But I don't want to sleep yet.
These are simply one of the priceless moments that you cannot replace.
After a while, Luke stopped singing.
I looked up at him. "Why'd you stop?"
He was silent for a moment. Then he smiled, waving the hair off my face. "I love you."
I didn't even reply. I pulled him closer to me and crashed my lips into his. Luke took a moment to respond, but when he recovered, he put his arms at the back of my neck to deepen the kiss. It was sweet but wild at the same time. The perfect mixture of painful longing and quenchless desire. I let myself get engulfed in his embrace. His other arm pulled me closer to him, while my hands started tugging at the ends of his hair. We were making out on the balcony, free for all the neighbors and passerbys to see, but all I could care about was how I never knew I wanted it this much until it's happening to me.
I felt his hands on my buttocks, and for some reason, I smiled into the kiss.
"Jump, baby," Luke whispered, his voice was deeper than it was seconds ago. I did as he told, wrapping legs around his torso, and my arms around his neck.
He started walking towards my bedroom, nearly knocking of a lamp. He detached his lips from mine and started sucking on my neck, nibbling on my sweet spot. My mind goes wild. It's crazy how he still got me memorized. I tugged on his hair a little harder, as he continued what he's doing.
When we reached my room, Luke gently laid me down on the bed. He hovered above me, just staring into my eyes. God, my vision is dancing. I lifted my hands to touch the side of his face, and later the back of his neck. I pulled Luke closer and once again started kissing him. Our bodies moved in sync with each other. He started thrusting his hips so now, I could feel him pressing against my core, and God, I could not think straight.
He began nibbling around my neck again. He sucked on my sweet spot softly. I moaned. When I tried opening my eyes, my vision was all blurry, but Luke's lips on my neck, and this whole thing in general keeps me from thinking. He slipped his hands under my shirt and started caressing my stomach.
"Fuck," I whispered, closing my eyes to keep myself from being dizzy.
Luke just took it as encouragement. He detached his lips from my neck and began making his way down my torso. I kept my eyes closed, but I could feel his breath on my skin, making me shiver. I waited in anticipation for his next move, every second is killing me. Slowly, he began kissing my stomch, just below my belly button. I let out a moan. Then I started to feel him palm my pants. I opened my eyes to look, but my vision was dancing again. It felt like my consciousness was slipping away.
"Luke," I tried saying, but it came out more as a moan.
He did not stop.
I remember now. It's the medicine. This whole make out thing requires too much energy from me, and the medicine makes me drowsy as fuck. DAMN IT.
"Luke," I said again.
Luke stopped and move his face closer to mine. I couldn't see him properly anymore. My eyes are dropping. But by his body language, I could tell that he was planning on doing something more than just palming me through my jeans. Srill, Luke is Luke. He knows when something is wrong with me.
"I can't." I muttered. My words are beginning to slur. "The meds. Makes me tired."
I heard him sigh while looking at me. But a few seconds later, I felr his lips on my forehead.
"Sleep." I said, barely a whisper.
Luke let out a little laugh, lying down beside me. "Alright, baby. I'll let you rest."
I smiled. "I love you. I'm sorry."
I heard him suck in a breath. I closed my eyes. Luke said something but somehow, it got lost in my understanding as I began to drift away from consciousness and into sleep.
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Luke's POV
"I love you, Sydny," I said as she closed her eyes. She fell asleep quickly last night. It didn't even give me time to think about what just happened. But after all that stuff, I was pretty certain of one thing. I was sure I changed her mind.
So when I woke up today with the sheets beside me all cold and empty, my mind went haywire. Where the hell is Sydny?
I stood up and saw a note on the bedside table. My heart skipped a beat. It could mean anything. But none of those meanings seem to be anything that I'll like. I took a deep breath, running my finger over the piece of paper.
"I love you. Goodbye." It says.