Back in my own bed on Sunday night, I tossed and turned for hours in the darkness, trying to make sense of what I was feeling. This weekend was just...something. I smiled to myself.
After Caleb and I woke up, we basically just spent the day with each other. Spending time with Caleb allowed me to go to a place, a place that I was sure was dark with a point of no return: the truth. I accepted this one fact about myself: I hated being single.
I miss the late night phone calls, the risky texts. I miss going out to dinner and a movie and having debates on splitting the bill. I miss boyfriend hugs, the kisses, the random cutesy things...I just miss the companionship and the feeling of being in a relationship. That feeling of oneness with another person, that love that you share. Some may think that I haven't been single enough to handle another relationship right now but I say so what? I may never be ready for another relationship but I'm more afraid of NOT trying and losing out on something potentially good as opposed to trying and falling in love again.
I laid in bed, thinking back to when I moved away to live in Wisteria. It took some time for me to heal. I actually tried dating someone. It was ten months after Declan had died. I didn't want to go on living like a hermit, curled up in my bedroom with the curtains drawn, If You're Not The One by Daniel Bedingfield playing on repeat, depressed.
We met through a mutual friend, Nina. Jacques was no Declan or even Caleb, but he was cute in a different sort of way. With shaggy brown hair, gray eyes and a mole on his neck, he had that supermodel look. He wasn't as solid as Caleb but he definitely had that waif modelesque look. With a cool demenaour, really...chill and laid back, Jacques turned out he was a real slacker, a stoner kid. I still slap myself to this day for not realizing it sooner. I mean...who could NOT be a slacker with the name "Jacques"?!
I put up with it at first because he showed some interest in me. I loved the fact that he didn't look at me as if I was broken and I loved feeling wanted again. His kisses were intense. We never had sex but he did pressure me a lot. A whole lot. In the end, he dropped me for some other dude who was "more about his lifestyle." After Jacques, I took a break from relationships in order to find myself again. And here I am today: single and probably on the verge of pining for an old friend.
I had a feeling that the closeness that I was developing with Caleb would haunt me sooner than later. But everything just felt so...right. I glanced over at my alarm clock and saw that is was 12:42. I sighed and took my phone off the end table, opening Instagram.
Caleb flooded my notifications, tagging me in the endless photos of this weekend: us on the beach, in the car, at his house. I pulled my laptop on my lap and turned it on, signing into Skype to see who was online. I found one that I was cimpletely unaware of. I was asleep on Caleb's lawn, in his arms. His hand was outstretched so I guess he took a selfie of us?
I stared at my sleeping self. I was asleep but there was a certain calmness about me. A small smile stayed on my lips and my eyebrows weren't furrowed. I looked as if I fit perfectly into the crook of his arm. Caleb looked pleased as well; his smile, genuine. I clicked through the photos, finding another one of us; me still asleep, him looking down at me. If I wasn't me, I'd be a little jealous of me. And I'm not throwing shade.
Suddenly, Caleb Skyped me. When he came into view, he was running his hand through his hair. He wore a gray tank top that showed off his definition. I should stop noticing these things. He smiled and told me hey.
"Can't sleep either?" I asked.
"Nope," he repled. "I've resorted to seeking out NyQuil. Relax," he said after he saw my incredulous expression, "there's none. So no worries."
I rolled my eyes. "What's up?"
"Nothing. I had a great time this weekend."
"Me too," I smiled. We fell into a comfortable silence.
"So I wrote you a song," Caleb said.
"Excuse me?" I asked. I watched as Caleb pulled his guitar on screen and settled it on his lap to play. "Caleb, you did not."
He replied by strumming a chord and began to sing. "Jace, you left me two years ago, I put on a brave face and went on with the show, hoping that one day I'll be okay to know...know that you're okay, know that you're fine, know that you're still very gay." At this point I was doubling over with laughter. "But you came back and now I'm not so sad. I missed my best friend very, very, bad. I'm glad that you did so I can do crazy shit like this to make us laugh like we were kids!"
I clapped and asked for an encore, to which he obliged. "Nobody's ever wrote me a song before."
"Really? Not even Dec?"
I shook my head, chuckling. "Nope."
My door opened, bathing my bedroom in light from the hallway. My Mom shuffled over to my bed and grabbed my laptop, turning it to her. "So I have work in the morning and you two have school. Good night, Caleb."
"Night, Mrs W," I heard him say as my Mom handed me back my laptop. "I'll see you in school later, Jace."
"Night, Caleb," I replied and ended the call. I watched my Mom as she silently shufflled out of my room. That woman can be scary when she wants.
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This weekend, it was Caleb's turn to sleep over at my house. He agreed on the condition that he plan the weekend's activities. I told him that that's not how it works but he was persistent, so I gave in. That Friday night, Caleb took me to the Palmiste Grove Fair. As we stood in line to enter, nearing the gate, I demanded that I pay my own way. Caleb, being Caleb compromised and said that we can each take one ride to sponsor the other and when it came to food, he would buy. That was still being resolved. At 10:15 when we both declared hunger, Caleb bought us both hot dogs while I bought us both sodas. See? Compromise.
We sat at a table, talking and laughing. I shivered from the chill in the air. Guess it was stupid of me to not come with a jacket. Caleb took notice, though. "Are you cold?" he asked.
"Just the chill," I replied. "I'll be okay."
Caleb then unzipped his hoodie and stood up. "Here," he said, taking it off and coming over to my side of the table. He put it on my shoulders and then sat next to me. I blushed and mumbled a thank you. I put my arms through the sleeves and zipped up the hoodie. I covertly took a whiff of the material. It smelled like Ralph Lauren Polo Blue, mixed with a little hint of sweat. It smelled like Caleb.
Suddenly, I heard Caleb's name being shouted and we both turned around. Becca bounded over to us with her boyfriend Luke and gave us each a hug and we talked for a minute. Luke and Caleb went to refill our sodas. As they were out of earshot, Becca turned to me. "Are you and Caleb dating?"
My mouth dropped open from the shock of her brashness. "What? No!" I said, maybe a little to quickly. "Why would you ask that?!"
"I don't know..." she said. "You guys are always hanging out and you're wearing his hoodie and I have a very interesting Instagram." I groaned and realization dawned on Becca's face. "Jason...you like Caleb!"
And with that, I finally let myself accept a simple fact. I let my walls down and I truly let myself feel. No questions, no second thoughts. I was developing feelings for Caleb. "Shhh! Don't talk so loud!"
She squealed. She brought her voice back down to a whisper. "I didn't even know that Caleb was gay!"
"Honestly, I don't know myself. We've been friends for a long time but I don't know what happened between the time I left and the time I came back. He knew that Declan and I were dating but he never mentioned anything about himself being gay. There was no inclination!" I ran my fingers through my hair. "I don't know what to do, Bec!"
"I think you should find out," she added, "and soon." she turned around and noticed Caleb and Luke coming back. "Like tonight." They reached the table and said their goodbyes. I looked at Becca as she walked away holding hands with Luke, so happy.
I turned back to Caleb and found him staring at me. "What?" I smiled.
"Nothing," he replied, "just observing."
"Observing what?" I countered.
His eyes shifted to the crowd where Becca seemed to have disappeared in. "Becca's happiness." He turned back to look at me. He looked me directly in the eyes and said "You." My heart raced like a fat man on a treadmill. I blushed a bright crimson. "Let's go for a ride on the ferris wheel," he said, standing up.
"Last ride?" I asked, standing up as well and grabbing the small stuffed monkey I won at the ring toss.
We started making our way over to the ride. "Last ride." We moved up in the line and were seated quickly. We sat so close to each other that I could feel Caleb's leg on mine. Either the seats were super small or Caleb was really chiseled. As the wheel made some headway, I looked out at the nighttime view and was enarmoured by it's beauty. I looked at the night lights, the distant neighbouring houses, the hustle and bustle of the crowd below us, the still ocean. It was all...serenely beautiful.
I looked over at Caleb and my heart swelled. I don't know if it swelled with love, with adoration, with courage or just sheer crazy but what came next was absolutely incredulous. "Caleb, what are we doing?" I asked him.
He turned to me, confusion etched on his face. "Uh...we're riding a ferris wheel?"
"Not this, you dummy," I said, chuckling. "I mean what are we doing with us? You do things to make me so comfortable, things normal friends won't do, espeically the kinds that are not gay..."
Caleb's eyes never left mine. I searched his green orbs for an answer for wuite some time. We were nearing the top of the ferris wheel. "I never said I wasn't gay," he said. My eyes nearly bulged out of my sockets and my jaw almost hit the floor. "Calm down, I never said that I was either." He looked down for a minute and sighed. He looked back up at me. "I guess I'm bisexual?"
"You guess?" I asked, my brain trying to wrap itself around this new information.
"Well I've never done anything with a guy before," he said, looking off into the distance. "I know that that's a silly thing to say and a silly way to feel but I don't know...I just...I don't know." He looked back at me. "Are you mad?"
"No, Caleb," I replied and took his hand in mine. "How could I be? Shocked? Yes. Mad? In no way shape or form." Everything started making sense to me now. The pictures, the treatment, the constant communication, the general feeling of a relationship. Caleb was testing it out on me.
"Jace?" Caleb's voice brought me back to where we were at the moment. I looked at him, a fresh perspective and this knew knowledge giving me a boost of courage. I pulled his face in and planted my lips on his.
I was kissing my old best friend. The crazier thing? My old best friend was kissing me back.
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Author's Note:
Hey guys! Thanks for reading again! I won't do this every chapter but I will for the ones that I think need it most.
I promised you that things would come to light, would it not? Hehehe. So I decided to split this chapter into two parts instead of one long story, so look out for part 2 coming VERY soon. I feel like David Heyman (the producer responsible for splitting the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows book into two movies) lol. But I wanted to expand on it without it being one long chapter. Plus, I think that the cliffhanger is a great place to stop. You can comment, let me know what you think of the chapter, of the other chapters or the overall piece of work! :)
Peace, love & shiny things,
Early. xox ♥