//Jacob//
I watched as Jamiah walked up her driveway and into the house. When I made sure that she made it safely I shifted the gear into drive and sped away.
I made it home minutes later and was soon slowly trailing down the hallway of my house. I passed by bella's open door and saw her sound asleep in bed.
I could tell from standing all the way by her door how depressed she was, all because of me.
The next room I passed was Noah's. His room was cluttered with all of his toys.
I noticed a paper taped on the head board of his bed. Out of curiosity I inch closer to his bed and observe the drawing on the paper.
In his scraggly handwriting it was written at the top 'I wish my brother could not get angry anymore'.
The drawing showed a little boy cowarded in the corner. It seemed that he was looking at a much taller figure with a black afro. Me. The figure had his fist raised and looking angrily down at a girl on the floor surrounded by a red puddle, which was probably blood. I could tell that the girl on the floor was Bella.
Was this really all I was known for?
I set the picture down and go back to the hallway. The room across from his was my mother's. She was gone at work but something told me to go in there.
I did so.
I looked around at all of the pictures she had of me when I was younger. I was so innocent and she was so young when she had me. Only 18.
On her dresser I noticed a small platter made from clay. In sloppy red paint it red 'I love you mom. Happy mother's day. From Jacob '
"Wow she still has this." I shake my head at the ancient memory. It was actually father's day when we made these in school but she was my father my entire childhood.
Sticking out underneath a pile of clothes I saw something shiny. I set the platter down and reached for the object. Once I felt the long neck I knew exactly what this was.
I pulled it from underneath the pile revealing the bottle of liquor.
I can hear Jamiah in my ear telling me this wasn't the answer. I push her voice to the back of my head, Jamiah doesn't know anything about my problems.
True enough we both lost our fathers but her family isn't fucked up like mine, she isn't fucked up like me. She's perfect, too perfect for me. I don't deserve her.
I twist the top off and raise the bottle up to my lips without a regret. I needed to forget everything right now. I needed to escape.
//Jamiah//
Once I was inside my house I looked around unsure of what to do. I finally decided I would clean the house.
My mother would be gone in about a week from her business trip and I was thinking of how I'd welcome her home. My mother never really liked surprises, I'd probably just cook her favorite things for her and just spend some quality time with her.
After I finished cleaning downstairs up I went to my room and begin straightening up.
I noticed a black book on the floor by my bed. Out of curiosity I picked it up. I sat on the bed and opened up to the first page.
'Countless times... I've wondered what it's like to be normal.
What if I wasn't a disappointment?
I could smile.
I could love.
I could laugh.
I could cry.
But I'm not normal.'
'Her hair kissed by the sun.
Her lips curved into a smile.
Her eyes twinkled in the night.
Her hands rested against my chest.
Her heart connected to mine.
Her beauty stained in my mind.
Her voice caressed my ears
Her...'
'Maybe I deserve
To stay up all night and wonder if you care.
Maybe I deserve
To feel the pain from you not being there.
Maybe I deserve
To be ignored by all my family and friends.
Maybe I deserve
To close my eyes and hope my life would end.
Maybe I deserve
To be labeled as an abuser and to go through neglect.
Maybe I deserve
For my birthday to come just so you can forget.
Maybe I deserve
To stare at the ceiling while laying in my bed.
Maybe I deserve
To have all these crazy thoughts in my head.
Maybe I deserve
To not have a dad because he hates me so damn much.
Maybe I deserve
To feel empty even after every single loving touch.
Maybe I deserve
To break down in front of everyone I know
Maybe I deserve
To feel embarrassed whenever my scars show
Maybe I deserve
To hate myself because I'm such a mistake.
Maybe I deserve
To regret every single breath I take.'
'Always hearing myself about how I ruin everything
I'm tearing up the family
Nobody will ever marry me
I'm supposed to be heavenly
But I'm an eerie melody
My anger has no remedy
I feel so damn empty
This is how they left me
They'll probably forget me
No wonder why they regret me
I'm sorry for being me
But this is the only thing I can be
I just wanted you to see
And even possibly agree
I'm sorry father that I failed you
Maybe the reason you left is cause you knew that I'd make your life hell too
Without me you were happy
You had a new family to tend to
I would try to make it better
But I'm too scared to face you
No matter how much it is you hurt me
I could never really hate you'
I thumbed through the pages of his notebook reading poem after poem. Some of them were about me, some about his father, others about himself. There were love stories, stories of heartbreak.
I had only ever read one of his poems, on our first date. I remember he told me had had a lot of other stuff but didn't think it was like this. His penmanship was amazing and some of them even had me in tears.
Before I know it I had read the whole notebook and the sun was setting behind the horizon.
I sat the notebook on my nightstand, making a mental note to give it back to Jacob when he comes back.
My thoughts are inturrupted when I hear a noise come from downstairs. It was the sound of the front door opening and someone stumbling in.
I quickly grab my pepper spray and slowly make my way downstairs. I sigh in relief when I see it's only Jacob.
"Jacob you scared the hell out of me." He turns to me and sports a smile that makes me feel uncomfortable.
"Jamiah babyyy! Come give Papi a kiss." His words were slurred. I could tell he was drunk from his glassy eyes.
He sluggishly wrapped his arms around me and began kissing all over my face. I could smell the alcohol on him. I pushed him off of me and crossed my arms.
"Did you seriously drive over here drunk?"
"Huh?"
"Huh? Jacob you heard me!"
"Man it ain't a big deal. I made it didnt I?" He waves his hand at me.
"Something could've happened to you!" He rolls his eyes and walks past me up the stairs. I follow him up to my room.
"Can I get a kiss mama?" He back me up against the the wall and I hold my breath from the smell of alcohol emitting from his body. I would usually get giddy when he called me that but this time it was scary. This isn't my Jacob.
"I'm not kissing you got as long as you have liquor on your breath." He pulls away rolling his eyes.
He reaches into the large pocket of his sweater, pulling out a half empty bottle of alcohol and begins chugging.
"Jacob I get that you're hurt but this isn't the answer. This isn't you." He pulls the bottle away from his lips and throws it at the wall, shattering the glass.
"Don't tell me what isn't the fucking answer! You don't know shit! You dont know me."
"I know you baby, the real you. This isn't it. I know how you feel." I reach out to touch his arm but he pulls away.
"I'm way too damaged. I'm a fuck up. You're too perfect for me. You don't need someone like me to ruin you."
"You're not a fuck up Jacob. You're an amazing man." I take a step towards him but he steps back.
"I'm a monster. I'll just hurt you."
"Prove it then." His face shifts to confusion. "Hit me like you hit your sister."
He stands there for a second and turns away from me. I inch closer to him.
"Get away from me Jamiah."
"No."
"Jamiah you need to get away from me. I'm no good."
"I dont care." I take another step and touch his arm.
"I said get away!" He raises his hand and throws his fist at my face, sending me to the ground.
Hot tears begin streaming down my face as I look up at Jacob breathing heavily. I thought I could fix him but I guess I was wrong.
Soon realization sets in and his face goes from anger to a softer emotion. He looks at his hand then at me.
"Jamiah." He bends down next to me taking my face in his hands. "I'm so so so sorry baby. I'm sorry." He begins kissing the tender spot on my face that was a victim to his anger.
He stands up and rushed into the bathroom connected to my room. I hear the water running for a few minutes and he comes back and bends down next to me.
His hands trail to my pants pulling them down my legs. He continues to undress me until I'm left in nothing. He kisses my cheek again as I get my sobs under control.
His hands slide under my body and pick me up bridal style and carries me into the bathroom.
He sets me in the tub that's full of warm water and suds.
"Stay here okay?" I nod and he exits the bathroom.
I touch my cheek and wince from the pain. I'm pretty sure I was gonna get a bruise there.
I didn't think he would actually hit me. I thought I was able to fix him. Bella was right I guess.
He soon came back with a tub of vanilla ice cream and a spoon.
He opened it and sat next to the tub holding a spoonful of ice cream to my face.
I looked at it unsure if I should accept it.
"Please eat it baby." He begged with hurt in his eyes. I opened my mouth slightly and let him feed me.
For half an hour he fed me ice cream as I sat in a warm bath as he continuously told me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. Before I knew it I was dozing off to sleep.