I Want To Do Real Bad Things With You
Chapter 20
Drake’s POV
The scream echoed through the house as Jace’s eyes focused on me, looking terrified. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to comfort him and tell him that everything was going to be okay but how could I do that if I didn’t even know what the problem is to begin with. I am sure it has something to do with what he went through but he won’t talk to me.
“It’s okay, I’m right here,” I choked out as I moved from the floor and sat down on the edge of the couch. Jace didn’t reply, instead he pulled back his legs and moved as far away from me as the couch would allow.
“Jace, please…” I started saying, wanting to beg him for the millionth time to let me help him but he cut me off.
“You cleaned the bathroom, didn’t you?” he asked in a shaky voice.
“It had to be done,” I replied, seeing no point in denying it. He could obviously see that I had changed clothes and my hair was still wet. He nodded his head but didn’t say anything more. The silence was deafening.
“We should get lunch,” I stated, looking at the clock on the wall. It was just after one pm.
“I’m not hungry,” Jace countered and for a second I felt like screaming at him. Not because I wanted to be mean or because I was angry but because he was seriously driving me insane. I had no idea how to handle the situation and he really wasn’t making this any easier by acting like nothing was wrong, like he wasn’t hungry, like everything wasn’t spiraling out of control around us.
I took a deep breath, calmed myself down and tried again.
“Well, I am and I’m not eating if you don’t,” I stated, knowing that it was a low blow, blackmailing him, but I had to try. He looked at me for a second and then nodded his head.
“Okay,” he said.
“Okay what?” I questioned, wondering if he was agreeing to eat lunch with me or for me to starve to death alongside him.
“I’ll eat,” he stated and then got up from where he was sitting and made his way to the kitchen. I watched him carefully, he had lost some more weigh from the last time I had seen him and his hair had grown, almost hanging on his shoulders now. I wanted to pull him into my arms and run my fingers through it but I didn’t dare. I had no idea how he would react.
I wanted to wait for him to return but he was taking way to long so I got up and headed to the kitchen. He wasn’t there and the back door was open. I panicked, the bad feeling that was haunting me flaring up. I ran to the door, almost tripping over my feet, and scanned the yard but it was empty, no sign of Jace.
Where the hell did he go? I wondered, my head spinning and I had to lean against the wall or I would have fallen. He didn’t come past me, I would have seen him which only meant one thing, he went somewhere but where? And why?
“What the hell is going on Jace?” I asked myself as I turned around and took another look around the kitchen. Maybe I had somehow missed him. He wasn’t there but something on the counter caught my attention. It was a piece of paper torn from the notebook on the fridge.
I hurried over to the counter and picked up the note, scanning it with my eyes.
Needed some fresh air to clear my mind, doubt it is going to work. Don’t worry about me, I won’t do anything stupid. Order lunch and get some rest, I’ll be back later.
I read it again and again, how was I not supposed to worry? How am I supposed to eat and rest when he was out there doing God knows what. I crumbled the paper and tossed it in the general direction of the dustbin. It hit the wall, landed on the floor and skid back towards me as if to taunt me.
“Fuck!” I yelled and slammed my fist into the wall. It was the same one I used to assault the vending machine and a sharp pain stung through my arm. Maybe I cracked a bone, maybe I broke a few, I didn’.t care.
It hurt like shit, my hand was throbbing and my head was spinning and I was slowly losing control. I had to be strong for Jace, he needed me right now even though he won’t admit it but it was hard. I felt like screaming and breaking something but instead I slid down onto the floor, took a few deep breaths and tried to focus my thoughts.
I considered going to look for him but wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. He said he wouldn’t do anything stupid, that sounded reasonable, didn’t it? No, he wasn’t thinking straight, I couldn’t let him walk about on his own in the state he is in. What if he decided that killing himself didn’t qualify as something stupid? What if I go looking for him and it make things worse? What if I don’t and it’s too late?
My head was racing and images from the bloodied bathroom returned with full force. I had to go look for him. I had to find him and make sure he is okay
I had no idea where he would go when I got into my car and started driving down the road. The stereo was playing one of Jace’s favorite songs but I turned it off, not wanting to pull any attention to me if I found him. He wasn’t in any of the nearby streets and he wasn’t in the park a few blocks away so I started making my way towards town but changed my mind. He wouldn’t go to town, or at least I didn’t think he would so I headed in the opposite direction.
As soon as I saw the big gates I knew I had found him, I couldn’t believe that I didn’t think of it before. I pulled my car to the side of the road and headed into the cemetery, wondering if I should show myself when I find him. I couldn’t decide but continued making my way towards his mother’s grave.
I found him there just like I suspected. Sitting next to her gravestone, his back leaning against it and his legs pulled up against his chest. He didn’t see me so I stayed where I was, hiding behind a big memorial statue, as I watched him. He didn’t look up once as he sat there with his head buried in his hands, his dark hair hanging all over the place.
He looked like a tortured soul and without thinking I started to move out from behind my hiding place but I managed to catch myself in time. He wasn’t doing anything to harm himself and that is why I came looking for him, to make sure he was okay, not to intrude on his privacy and to force myself on him when he clearly wanted to be alone.
He wanted to be alone.
The idea stuck in my head and although it hurt like hell, I stayed where I was, needing to respect his wishes even though I didn’t understand.
Jace’s POV
I knew Drake was there. I could feel his presence and although I asked him not to, I knew he would come looking for me. I wasn’t angry at him for it but I wished he didn’t. I hate the fact that he has to see me like this, I hate what it is doing to him but most of all I hate myself for putting him through all of this. He shouldn’t have to deal with it. He shouldn’t have to suffer because of me. He should go back to university and follow his dreams of becoming a football star. He should find himself a nice girl, somebody his family and friends can be proud of, somebody that can give him the future he deserves. Somebody that can give him all the things I can’t.
We’ve never spoken about kids or getting married or having a family. I guess it didn’t matter before. It still doesn’t matter to me now, I can live without those things if it meant that I get to have Drake but he deserves so much more, somebody that can make his life better not worse. He deserves to have kids and grandchildren and a happy family. I can’t give those things to him. I can only make his life miserable. Look at us, I’ve ruined everything.
I needed to tell him to leave, not only the graveyard but me. He has to go back to university. He can start over there, have a chance at a good life. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for what I was about to do. I didn’t want to do it. It was probably going to be the end of me if I could get him to agree but it needed to be done.
“Drake?” I asked as loud as I could and then waited for him to reply. It took a few seconds but I knew he was there.
“Yes,” he finally said, stepping out from behind the big statue. I looked up at him and had to catch my breath. He looked so beautiful but so sad. He walked over to me and sat down on the ground apposite me, crossing his legs.
“I was worried about you,” he said as if to explain why he came looking for me.
“It’s fine, I knew you would,” I replied, in a way I was glad that he did.
“I thought you’d be angry,” he stated as he reached out his hand to touch me but then pulled it back.
“What happened to your hand?” I asked. Having noticed red blood soaking through the white cotton bandage.
“Nothing,” he lied and I cursed under my breath. My actions having caused him pain again. I knew he heard me but he didn’t’ say anything.
We sat there staring at each other for a few seconds before I found the courage to say what I needed to.
“Drake, you need to go back to university,” I stated, my stomach flipping as I spoke the words. I didn’t want him to go but he needed to.
“We’ve already discussed this, I’m not going,” he replied.
“I can’t let you do that, you’ve worked way too hard to just give up and anyway…” I started saying but trailed off, unable to finish my sentence.
“Anyway what?” Drake questioned.
“I don’t think we should be together anymore,” I said before I could chicken out, letting go of the only person that means anything to me. I knew I would surely die without him.
Drake’s eyes went wide with shock and confusion as he processed my words.
“No... Why?” He stuttered, obviously confused and hurt.
I knew this was going to be hard but my heart was tearing in two from the look on his face.
“If I tell you, will you go back to university?” I asked, hoping he would by some miracle say yes.
“No!” he half yelled as if it was unimaginable that I would even be suggesting such a thing.
“I’m no good for you Drake, we should never have been together. You need to move on without me,” I said truthfully. He gaped at me, opening his mouth as if to say something but then closing it again, the expression on his face pained. I didn’t want to hurt him but for him to have a future he needed to leave me behind.
He looked away and ran his hand through his hair before looking straight at me again as tears started forming in his eyes. I don’t think I have ever seen him cry, he is usually so strong and in control. I felt incredibly guilty. I didn’t know that it was possible to hate myself more until that moment.
“I wish I knew what was going on in your head,” he said, his voice cracking slightly. The tear that had formed in his eye rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away with his hand as another formed in its place.
“I don’t know why you don’t want to tell me what’s bothering you so badly. I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me, why you would want me to leave you,” he half sobbed before getting up and turning away. He stood there, with his back to me and I knew he was crying, crying because of me. I wanted nothing more than to get up and wrap my arms around him, to hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay but if I gave in now his whole future will be screwed up and I couldn’t live with myself, knowing that I had ruined him.
“I’m no good for you, look at what your life has become since we… since I confessed my love to you,”
“Your love is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Drake replied as he turned around to look at me.
“Your mother hates you, your brother is in prison and you’re busy throwing away your future all because of me,” I said, saying it as it is.
Drake didn’t say anything as he wiped his face again and then walked over and sat down in front of me. This time much closer.
I gulped at his proximity and had to look away.
“Look at me,” he said and then before I could refuse, he cupped my face in his hand and moved me so that I had to look at him. He didn’t let go of me once our eyes met, probably knowing that I would try to look away again if I got the chance.
“Í am not leaving you. I don’t care about what happened in the past or how my future turns out because I know that as long as I have you I will be the happiest person an earth,” he said and I couldn’t find the strength to push him away anymore. His words warmed my heart and although I knew it was wrong of me I gave in. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have so instead of saying anything I pulled out of his grip and got to my feet, all the while fighting the tears that were stinging my eyes. If I cried I would make everything worse than it already was
“Let’s go get lunch and go home,” I stated as I slowly started walking towards the exit. I didn’t’ look behind me. I knew that Drake would follow me, he would follow me to the ends of the earth even if he knew it would be the death of him.