The morning sun was diluted by the snow that had been falling since Connor had set off last night. It hadn't settled at first, melting when it hit the road, but he opened his eyes on the morning of the twenty-sixth to a sheet of white outside his window. For a moment, he felt a little turned around: this wasn't his normal view, the window on the wrong side of the room and the dimensions all wrong. It took a few seconds after waking for him to realise that he was in his parents' house, sleeping in the same bed he had had ever since he was twelve, when he and Cam had eventually decided to stop sharing a room. The guest room had been turned into his brother's room, where he had slept for eight years. Cam had attended a much closer university, spending almost every weekend at home: he had never really moved out, and that had made his death that much more difficult, for Cass especially. He had always been around, even during his degree, and then all of a sudden he wasn't.
Connor lay staring at the ceiling for a few minutes, his hands folded over his chest, and he felt as though he had made a breakthrough. His brother occupied his mind, and he had even popped up in his mind as he had dreamt of the years gone by. Posy had muscled her way into his dreams, the only way he would ever see the two of them in the same place, and it was with a sigh of disappointed sadness that he realised that would never happen. Cameron was his past: Posy was his present.
With a whine of a yawn, Duke jumped onto the bed and lay across his chest, forcing a laugh out of Connor when the air was squashed out of his lungs, and he scratched Duke's head. Only four years old, he still considered the dog to be a puppy, though he was far too huge to be anything like that. His parents had tried to dissuade him from getting a dog when he had only just graduated, with more to think about than looking after an animal, but Duke had been more influential than anyone else. It wasn't until three months after Cameron's death that Connor had given in and gone to a therapist, but a year of sessions while he postponed his degree had hardly made a dent in his grief. Despite being on course for a first, he had come out with a two-two, and adopting Duke had been a consolation.
He hadn't realised at the time just how much he had needed the dog, and now he owed him a thank you. If it wasn't for him, he never would have found a reason to talk to Posy yet now as he lay watching the snow, he was planning how to tell her that he didn't want to say goodbye. The more he thought about it, and he had thought about her a lot since last night, the more he realised that he wanted to see more of her. He didn't want to disappear into the distance as soon as the baby was born, leaving her to her own devices: he wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, and it would take a lot more than a child to deter him.
The minutes slowly ticked by as Connor stroked Duke's back, fingers idly scratching him, until there was a knock on his bedroom door and when he croaked out a yes, his first word of the day coming out with a cough, it was his mother who pushed open the door and he was thrown back to his childhood. He had always tried to sleep in as long as possible on school mornings, which had always resulted in his mother having to drag him out of bed and thrust his uniform into his hands. The collection of memories engulfed him as he looked up at her, standing in front of him, before he shifted out of the fugue and smiled at her.
"Hey, Mum," he said, lifting his head off his pillow. The movement alerted Duke, who jumped off the bed and bounded over to Sandra, nuzzling against her legs. She chuckled and scratched his head, cooing at him for a moment before her attention returned to her son.
"Morning, darling," she said with a smile, glancing down at the dog again as he wandered past her into the hallway and thudded down the stairs. Connor sat up and rubbed his eyes before he stretched and sat on the edge of his bed. "We were just making breakfast, didn't want you to miss out."
He frowned and checked his watch, eyes widening to see that it was almost ten o'clock. He never slept in that late, but his body had been exhausted and his mind was absolutely shattered after the permanent marathon it had been running for years now. "Shit," he muttered, grabbing his phone off his table and unplugging it from the charger. "Thanks. Didn't realise how late it was."
Sandra just smiled, her hand on the door knob. "We figured you might want to sleep in, but I want you to have something to eat if you're going to be rushing off. Don't want you driving on an empty stomach."
He stood, dwarfing her frame. Only Neil was as tall as him, a mountain of a man with a heart of gold, while Sandra was almost as short as Posy. Not quite, verging more on the side of average, but almost. Cass matched her height: Connor was used to being surrounded by short women, and it looked like that trend was going to continue. Without saying anything, he wrapped his arms around his mother, stooping to hug her, and she held him tightly.
"What's this for?" she asked when they pulled apart, a smile beneath her raised eyebrows. Connor had never been much of a hugger, unlike his brother, having grown out of the cuddliness of his childhood when puberty hit. He shrugged and smiled.
"It's a thank you, and it's an I love you," he said. "And it's very long overdue."
His mother softened, her hand over her heart, and gazed up at Connor as though he was an angel. Part of him was, the spitting image of the son she had lost, and he knew that she would never be able to look at him without seeing his brother. That had bothered him in the past, contributing to his avoidance of his family, but perhaps it wasn't so bad. His mother liked to remember Cameron: he could help her do that.
"Well, I love you too, baby," she said. "More than you can possible imagine." A moment's sentimental silence lay between them before Sandra shook off her emotions with a laugh and led Connor down to the kitchen. His phone, so far unchecked, was clasped in his hand and it was only when he joined his family around the table that he glanced down at the screen. Beneath the time, displayed in huge numbers across the top half of the screen, was a solitary message from Posy and before he even read it, his heart jumped into his throat. He had a bad habit of envisaging the worst, picturing scenes of her alone in the snow, unable to drive, trapped at home as she went into labour.
"Posy?" Cass asked, catching sight of her brother's expression, and he nodded as he unlocked the screen to read the message.
Posy: I hope you're having an amazing time with your family! Saw cass's pic on insta this morning, looks like you had a great night, I'm so glad. No need to rush back on my behalf! Already made my coffee, plan for the day is to put my feet up and eat leftovers. You're welcome to join when you're back though I can't promise there'll be anything left haha. Thank you so much for yesterday. Christmas was amazing and it wouldn't have been without you. Thank you xxx
Connor had the feeling that if someone was to break open his chest right then, he would have been declared a medical miracle with a glowing heart. Warmth spread through his veins, infusing the beat of his pulse, and when a shy smile worked its way onto his lips, Cass subtly leant across to peer at his phone, her eyes scanning the screen.
"I don't think you have anything to worry about," she said, and Connor snapped his head up at the sound of her voice so close to him. He hadn't even noticed her leaning across, and she was suddenly right beside him.
"What? What d'you mean?"
Cass sat back in her seat, spreading an obscene amount of butter onto a slice of toast. "Your feelings are clearly reciprocated. And from what I can tell from some fairly extensive social media stalking, she's a family girl." She held up on hand in the universal ok sign, her thumb and index finger forming a circle. "You're golden." Biting into her toast, melted butter dribbled down her chin, which she mopped up with the back of her hand.
Connor couldn't protest anything she had said when he realised that he didn't want to: he wanted his sister to be right, and he had a feeling that she was. Posy's text danced at him like a welcome sign, and he wanted to see her. He needed to see her, spitting out the words on his mind before he lost the confidence to tell her what he needed her to hear.
From across the table, Neil nodded at Connor's phone and slurped his coffee. "When's she due again?" he asked.
"Second of January," Connor said. "Any day now. I probably shouldn't have left her alone, actually."
Sandra took a seat with a mug of herbal tea. "Oh, Connor, you should have brought her with you. She seems like an absolutely darling young woman, from what Cass has told us. Will we get to meet her?"
He rolled his eyes. "Calm down, Mum," he said with a chuckle. "Maybe, eventually. Hopefully."
His mother had always been overly enthusiastic whenever he had had a girlfriend, though only a handful had held that title since he had gone on his first ever date, twelve years ago. Each one had been welcomed with open arms by his parents, but none had lasted in his life for more than a year. But now, as he pictured Christmas next year, he could see Posy in it, and her child. Rather than terrifying him, the thought of putting up a tree and scattering it with decorations, he felt the tingling rush of nervous anticipation.
"Well," Sandra said with a sigh, leaning back as she sipped her tea, "all I can say is that I haven't seen you looking this well in, well, in years. Tell Posy thank you from me, when you go back. She's clearly doing something right. I'd love to meet the woman who put a smile back on my baby's face."
His lips twitched, eyes sparkling. He knew that his parents would adore her: it was impossible to imagine anyone who wouldn't, and he couldn't wrap his head around the father of her baby, how anyone could so callously cut her out of their lives when she was a ray of sunshine in his. Taking a slice of toast from the rack his father had prepared, he buttered it and added a dollop of jam.
It was Cass who spoke up, leaning forward in her chair like an excited child. "Why don't you come over on New Year's Eve?" she asked, her eyes as wide as the moon, glistening like the stars. "Why not? We have a ton of space. Nobody needs two freaking guest rooms. You could come and stay the night, and I'm sure Posy would be around, and you could come see our house." She began to bounce her feet, a sure fire sign that she had latched onto an idea she wouldn't easily let go of. Clapping her hands together, she looked from her mother to her father and back again. "Please come."
Sandra's smile broke into a beam, catching her husband's eye for a confirmatory second before she nodded. "That would be wonderful, Cassie," she said, and her gaze shifted to her son, who smiled before she had the chance to check that it was alright with him too.
"I'd love that," he said. His stomach flipped in a good way, the fizz of excitement. In all the years that he had been absent, his parents had only seen his house in Coalden Valley a handful of times: they had helped him move in, five years ago, and they had popped by a couple of times for a cup of tea while on the way home from somewhere else, but he had never encouraged them to come over. Now, with Cass around to tip him out of his comfort zone, he was finding that perhaps the zone was a little bigger than he had realised.
*
After a family walk, bundled up against the freezing wind and the continuous snow that stuck to their clothes, during which Duke had bounded about almost invisible in the white fields, Connor stood by the door of his car as he bid his farewells. No matter what Posy said, she shouldn't be alone, and regardless, he needed to talk to her. His parents understood that: Neil had dropped his insistence that Connor stay another couple of days when Cass had reminded him of who was waiting back home.
"It's been so wonderful to see you," Sandra said, tears in her eyes once more as she pulled her lofty son into a hug, and he smiled as he hugged her back. His family had lined up along the pavement to bid him farewell: Cass had decided to stay another few days, perhaps until New Year's Eve, with the silent insinuation that she wanted to give her brother a little space.
"You too, Mum," he said. "Sorry it's been so long. But I'll see you on the thirty-first."
"Absolutely," she said, pulling away to allow her husband to say his goodbyes. He pulled Connor into a strong hug, clapping him on the back with a firm hand.
"Don't be a stranger, son," he said, his voice hoarse, and his eyes glistened as he grinned at his son. "I can't wait for New Year's Eve."
Connor grinned, bumping his fist against his sister's when she held out her knuckles to him. "See you in a few days," he said.
"Have a good time with Posy," Cass added with a wink. "Don't be a chicken."
"I won't," he said, though that was easier said than done. He had always been fairly passive in his relationships, never quite knowing how to make the first move. As a result, he had tended to end up dating girls whose confidence far outweighed his, to the point that it wasn't even a case of opposites attract. They just didn't fit. But this time it felt different.
Bundling Duke into the back seat after they had walked a three mile circuit, working off the sins of yesterday's Christmas lunch, he slipped into the driver's seat and rubbed his hands together, cranking the heating all the way up. With a wave, and a promise that it would be less than a week before he saw them again, Connor pulled away and watched his family in the rear view mirror until he couldn't see them anymore.
He felt good. That was the overwhelming sentiment: he felt good, and he had Posy to thank. And that was precisely what he was heading home to do.
*
He hadn't responded to her text. He wasn't good on the phone, never knowing quite what to say whereas in person, he didn't have the luxury of time. Having to come up with a response on the spot always helped, forcing him to reply, whereas all he could think was thank you, a million times over, and that seemed like a fairly unsubstantial response to the message she had sent him. Seeing her in person was better, to gauge her reaction by the way her lips and her eyebrows moved, sensing her body language.
Seventy minutes later, having to drive even slower as every road was covered in snow and the gritters hadn't made it to each one yet, he pulled up outside his house and wasted no time in getting Duke inside. Without even stopping long enough to grab a glass of water or spritz on a little cologne, he headed out again and locked the house behind him. His eyes were fixed on Posy's front door, two hundred feet away, and his boots gripped the pavement as he stomped down the snow on his way over.
He didn't have his key. That was probably for the best: he hated letting himself in, as though he was invading on her, no matter what she said. Instead, he knocked three times on the door with the brass knocker.
"It's open," came her voice from inside, and Connor shook his head to himself. She was too trusting. Not only was her door unlocked, but she hadn't even checked who he was before she had announced that it was open. Stepping into the house, he slipped out of his wet shoes.
"It's me," he said, and he headed into the sitting room. Posy was standing in front of the fireplace, arranging a handful of cards on the mantelpiece, and she grinned when she saw him.
"Hey," she said, looking over her shoulder. "How's your family? How was it?"
"It was good," he said, his smile growing. "It was really good. It was amazing. Thank you, for making me go. Feel like an idiot for not going for so long."
She dropped onto her heels from her tiptoes, almost losing her balance, and she turned around. "Sometimes you just need a little push," she said. "You know what you want, and you know it'd be good for you, but you need someone to nudge you in the right direction. I'm so glad it worked out." She hugged herself, holding her elbows, and her rosy cheeks flushed pink as she smiled. Her hair was swept off her face in a bun that sagged at the back of her head, and she was dressed down in a pair of loose bottoms and a cardigan wrapped around her bump, but she looked beautiful to Connor and he couldn't help but smile.
"Do you want a drink?" he asked, and a warm smile brightened her features.
"That'd be lovely."
"Sit down. I'll put the kettle on. I want to talk."
She frowned, adjusting her cardigan. "Oh? Everything ok?"
"Yeah," he said with a smile. He would have to do it now: he had set it up with a preface, and now Posy knew there was something he needed to say. No good at lying, he wouldn't be able to fib about something else when there was only one thing he wanted to talk about. His fingers shook as he flicked the switch on the kettle, his foot tapping as he found a couple of mugs and poured coffee into Posy's. A few too many granules found their way into the mug, his hand quaking, and he corrected himself with a teaspoon, rooting around in her drawers as though he owned the place. The kettle couldn't boil fast enough, taking forever to reach the right temperature, and he took it off a moment before it was done. He couldn't wait to fill the mugs, taking a deep breath as he carried them through to Posy.
She took her cup with a grateful smile, looking up at him as their fingers grazed when he passed it to her. "Thanks for this," she said. "Just what the doctor ordered."
The words were stuck in his throat. Connor sat down, perched on the edge of the sofa with his tea on the table and his elbows on his knees, and he could feel her eyes on him, though he didn't meet her gaze.
"So, what's up?" she asked. "What did you want to talk about?"
He sighed and followed it with a deep breath, steeling himself to admit to what he had known for a few days now. "Ok," he said at last. "Ok. I'm really not good at this kind of thing, so give me a minute."
"Take your time," she said, pulling one leg up onto the sofa, tucking her foot beneath her knee. Connor ran a hand over his head and the short stubble of his hair, fingers lingering on the back of his neck before he brought his hands back to his lap, clasping them together.
"Ok," he said again. He didn't know where to start except for with the most honest fact. "I like you." There. It was out. The rest seemed to flow from that point, though he didn't lift his eyes to Posy's. "I really like you, Posy, and I kept telling myself that I shouldn't because it's unfair on you. I tried to convince myself that it was out of order to expect you to want anything to do with me, 'cause you're about to have a baby and that's so much more important than the fact that I really like you."
He scratched his head again, looking down at his knees as he spoke. "I can't keep it to myself anymore because I want you to know. I owe it to you to tell you that I like you, and I want to stay around, and I want to be here for you and the baby. I owe you that much, so you can tell me if that's not what you want. I don't expect anything from you, of course. I mean, we only met eight days ago but this has been the best week of my life."
He continued with his sentiments, flooding out of him now that he had opened up the dam. "When I offered to help you, I never intended to fall for you. I wanted to help you because I owed it to you, but then I realised I wanted to help you because I wanted to be around you, and then I realised that I've fallen harder than you did. I thought it was unfair to tell you that and add more to your plate, and it was selfish, but I think it would be more unfair of me to not tell you."
Letting out a long breath, he met her gaze at last to see that her eyes were filled with tears and she had clamped her hand over her mouth. His eyebrows shot up, pulling together in shock at her expression, and his heart fell to his stomach. "Shit. Ok. I'm sorry, Posy. I hate to put you in an awkward position, but I realised that this isn't some tiny thing that's going to go away. Shit. I can go."
"Don't go," she said, the words coming out as soon as he had spoken. "Oh, God, no. Please don't go." Shaking her head, her tears spilled and she moved her hands to her eyes, drying the flow that only increased, and she choked out a sob. "Sorry, I'm a fucking mess," she said, her words weak and watery. "I told you, everything makes me cry these days."
"I'm sorry," he said, still not quite sure whether her tears were good or bad, and he waited for her confirmation either way as his heart was caught in the limbo between being crushed and soaring.
"I really like you too," she said, giving him a smile that lasted for a mere second before it collapsed beneath her tears again. "Shit, I'm so sorry. I can't control my emotions anymore." With a laugh and a deep breath, she composed herself, but Connor's heart had already jumped out of his chest. She liked him. He felt like a child again, exchanging crushes in primary school, but he didn't care. She liked him. Though he had known it, the feeling evident in the way she kissed, it was something else entirely to hear the words out loud.
"Can I say something?" Posy asked. Connor nodded and she took a few seconds to gather herself before she spoke, fanning her hot face and wet cheeks with her hand. "I was talking to Maddie about you," she said. "When we went out for coffee the other day, I told her that I really liked you – God, I feel like such an idiot, I'm sorry – and she told me that it was unfair of me to expect anything of you. She told me that I needed to be realistic about this situation and I told myself that she was right. It's not fair of me to expect you to jump on board with my mess."
Her tears didn't stop rolling down her cheeks, her voice cracking as she spoke, and Connor was entranced by her, fixated on her words. Frozen, he didn't even reach for his tea though he was gasping for a sip. He didn't want to miss a word she said.
"I was trying to come up with a way to put an end to this, so I could deal with this before the baby comes, but I don't want to. I can't." She swiped at her eyes with her sleeve, blinking rapidly and sitting straight with her head tilted back to quell her emotions. "Last night I dreamt that I had the baby and I was trying to find you but you weren't around, and your house was up for sale. I literally woke up and freaked out."
Breaking out of his daze, Connor shifted closer on the sofa, pulling her against his chest. His heart was pounding as fast as it did when a panic attack gripped him, but none of those usual feelings were present. Instead, it was the elation that broke out in a bubbling grin as he tucked his arms around her and she fitted against his body.
"I want to be around," he said, getting a grip on his words and sorting them into the right order. "I can't imagine not being with you. And if you need some time or some space, then I totally get that. But you shouldn't be alone, and I want to be here."
"I want you to be here," she said. "God, I want you to be here, Connor. I can't do this on my own. I can't imagine not having you here. I know it's too late now and I just need to man up, but I'm scared." Her voice quietened and she flopped back against the back of the sofa, looking up at Connor. "I'm really scared but when I'm with you, I don't feel scared anymore. I feel like I can't do this without you, but then I remind myself that I can't expect you to be around when I have someone else's baby."
Connor smiled, and he shook his head. "It doesn't matter whose baby it is," he said, as though that was obvious. Posy gazed at him and he elaborated. "A baby is a baby. It doesn't matter who its parents are. My dad met my mum when she was pregnant with me, and I can't imagine a better dad. He is the most incredible man I know. It doesn't matter that he's not my biological father. He's the one who raised me."
He paused, his fingers finding Posy's, and he dropped his eyes to their hands. "If you'll have me around, I'm right here. I want to be with you, Posy. Whether that's now, or in a month, or in a year, I don't care. I want to be with you. And I know this is a crap time to dump all this on you, and you don't have to say anything, but I want to be yours. You can sleep on it as long as you want, but I need you to know that I'm here and I don't intend to go anywhere."
She flattened her hand against his chest and closed her eyes as she took a deep breath, a smile breaking out through her tears. Her warm hand moving to the back of his neck, she pulled him down to her, and he tasted her salty tears on her lips as they kissed. Trying to stop his heart from beating out of his heaving chest, he breathed slowly and rested his forehead against hers. His heart beat against her palm, the rhythm struggling to return to normal, and Posy smiled.
"I don't need to sleep on it," she said. "I already know."
+ - + - +
chapter ten at last - apologies about the delay. i even went to a coffee shop yesterday for the first time since breaking up from uni two weeks ago with the intention of cranking this out, but i got distracted working on jingle all the way, as well as my wattpadblockparty entry. sorry about that! only two chapters to go after this, and the epilogue . . . i've enjoyed writing this story so much, and i can't thank all of you enough!
(also i'm so sorry this was cheesy as fuck oops)