Kelsey’s Point of View:
My heart stopped.
It felt as if somebody had come up behind me and knocked all the air inside of me, leaving me breathless.
Fumbling on my feet, my lips parted from the unexpected turn this night had taken. Tucking a strand of hair behind me, I shyly took a look around me, in search for somebody else he could be talking to though I knew deep down inside, I was the only one.
“Now,” Justin stated however I couldn’t tell if it was meant as a command or a simple request. His eyes warily watched as I took my first step forwards, my bare feet coming in contact with the chilled grounds due to the cold air that whisked through us.
Leaving about three feet in between us, I licked my lips, crossing my arms comfortably against my chest, shielding my upper body from the frost.
Never once taking his eyes off of mine, Justin scanned down the length of my body before looking back up at me through his thick lashes, an unfathomable twinkle shining in his irises, taking me off guard.
I expected anger, fury… disgust but what I got in return was uncertainty—about us and where we now stood in our relationship.
Holding out his hand in my direction, my eyes nearly fell from their sockets as Justin swallowed, watching me intently for what I was going to do. “Come here,” He murmured, waiting patiently for me to break the ice.
Debating whether or not I should go through with whatever it was that he had planned, I fought against the side of me that told me to turn and walk away, instead, sliding my hand in his.
Electricity shot through us both, a gasp emitting from my lips as I stared wide eyed at our embraced hands, confused as to how I should feel despite what the beating of my heart against my chest told me.
Gently pulling me forwards until I caved into his lap, I took notice to everything single detail on the floor underneath us. Afraid that if I said or did something, it’d trigger the ugly side of Justin that I desperately never wanted to experience ever again.
Justin must have noted because he gently squeezed the side of my hip before smoothing it over with the pad of his thumb, snapping me back into reality. “Look at me,” He whispered soothingly, desperation tinted within his words making my squirm on top of him.
Swallowing, I bit the inside of my cheek before bravely turning my head all the way until I met his eyes once more which were blazing hot with emotions I couldn’t quite decipher.
Bringing the cigarette he held in his other hand forwards, he inhaled the smoke, keeping it stocked in his chest while dipping his head back, extending his neck that exposed his veins before blowing the smolder into the air.
Reaching over, I let my fingers gently trail down the length of his throat. Justin viewed over at me, his eyes burning into my forehead but I said nothing. Placing my hand on his chest, I finally managed to lock contact with him.
“Come closer,” Justin murmured softly though I could decipher the twinge of mandate behind it.
Furrowing my eyebrows together in confusion, I did as I was told, not sure of what he was going to do.
Taking another drag of his cigarette, Justin brought his lips over mine, careful as to not touch them. “Open your mouth and inhale,” He breathed out, waiting until I did what he has requested for me to. Ghosting out the smoke, I drew it in before tipping my hand back just like Justin had done moments before, letting the contents fly freely into the air.
Justin leaned forwards, pressing his lips to the base of my gullet, taking me by surprise as the sensation of his lips against my skin made me tingle from head to toe, burning me with the anticipation I had been longing for.
When Justin withdrew, I fluttered my eyes down to his, my insides pulling in all sorts of directions. Not knowing what to say or do, I distracted myself with the lint attached to his shirt. Picking at it, I flattened the material over with my fingers.
Hovering over my hand with his own, Justin squeezed it against his chest. “We need to talk.”
“I know.”
Another silence fell over us.
Dropping his cigarette to the ground, Justin crushed it with the sole of his shoe before sliding his hands around my waist, his back relaxed into the chair. Licking his lips, he pulled them into his mouth before releasing them along with a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“What do you mean?” I questioned quietly, creases forming in the middle of my brows, revealing the concern and confusion I was in.
“Every time I think things are looking better for us, something gets in the path and I find some way to fuck everything up.” Leaning up, Justin brushed the hair that fell in front of my face back, tucking it behind my ear before caressing my cheek with this thumb. “I keep hurting you…”
“Justin—”
“No,” He shook his head, “I know what you’re going to do and it won’t work. You can tell me as much as you want that it wasn’t my fault but it doesn’t make up for what I did to you.”
Bowing my head down, I gulped, fiddling with my fingers, not knowing what to say to that. “What you said, hurt, I’m not going to baby you and lie. Telling me that I’m a slut when I didn’t do anything wrong…” Shaking my head, I sighed, “It made me feel low… like I had done something to deserve it.”
“You could never deserve those kinds of words being thrown at you… what I said was uncalled for and I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I know you don’t have feelings for John. I know that you’re not seeing him behind my back… but, something inside of me snapped and all of a sudden, it was as if you had been lying to me all this time.”
“But it isn’t your fault and before you cut me off, just hear me out.” When he blankly stared up at me, I took that as my cue to continue. “You’ve hit rock bottom. There’s no going around it or denying it. What’s been going on in your life…,” I looked away, “it’s more than anybody could handle. What happened to Jazzy is the reason you’re battling your inner demons right now because you haven’t let it go yet.”
“Her death is still fresh in your mind. It’s replaying over and over again in your head without you even realizing it. You keep what happened around everywhere you go. When something bad happens you remember Jazzy and how you couldn’t protect her. You’re desperate to keep order, afraid that if you made the wrong move, it’ll all happen again.”
When Justin’s arms tightened around me, I knew I was right. Frowning, I traced the strained worry lines at the corners of his eyes. “When the Snipers attacked and we were chased on our way back home… it all struck you and the thought of somebody else dying because of your line of work pulled you into the dark place you tried so hard to avoid.”
Vulnerability shadowed his features as Justin pouted his lower lip, “I’m afraid you’ll be next.” He whispered, his eyes glossing over. “I can’t lose you.”
“Justin…”
“The image of you cold and passed out on the floor with a bullet through your chest…” He shook his head, shaking the violating thought from his mind though in the depths of his hazel orbs, the fear was clear.
“Sh,” I comforted, prying him to look at me as I grasped his head in my hands, “don’t think like that Justin. You can’t afford to.”
“You’re my everything… without you, nothing makes sense.” Blinking up at me, tears glistened the corners of his eyes. “I need to protect you.”
“You need to protect yourself.” I murmured softly, “Stop thinking about me and everyone else. You need to focus on getting yourself better.”
“They’ll take you away from me,” Justin mumbled, his eyes staring off into space as his body laid limp in the chair.
“Justin…”
“They know how important you are to me… they’ll hurt you in order to get to me.” He whispered blankly.
“No Justin, they won’t.” I urged, trying to shake him out of his sudden trance. “I promise Justin… you’ll keep me safe and so will the guys. They’ll make sure nothing happens to me.”
Anger flashed inside his eyes and before I knew it, Justin stood on his feet causing me to fall on the floor. “Are they all you can think about?” He barked his eyes raging with fury, hands balled into fists at his sides.
Standing up, I dusted myself off, willing him to stay with me instead of venturing off into his false accusations. “No, Justin. I’m yours, only yours.” Hesitantly taking his head into my hands, I forced him to look at me.
“Mine,” He breathed out slowly as if uncertain of the word, his eyebrows furrowed.
“All yours,” I confirmed.
“But I can’t have you.” Justin countered, his hands taking hold of mine, prying them away from his face bit never letting them go.
My heart rate picked up immediately, “What?”
“I’m too dangerous for you.”
“Justin…” I desperately pleaded, knowing where he was heading with this, “don’t do this.”
“As much as I think I can protect you, the truth of the matter is I can’t.” Drifting his eyes away from mine, he began facing the outside world instead of me. The world that screwed him over up too many times, “You’re better off without me.”
“I’m better off without a lot of things but you’re not one of them.” I whispered.
“I know I’m wrong for you. You can try to deny it all you want, it’s the truth. I’m a screw up; I’m hard-headed, crazy and stubborn. I’m fucked up in the head, I’m a criminal, I’ve hurt you—a lot; I’ve screamed at you, I threw things… we’re toxic together yet no matter how had I try, I just can't seem to let you go." Justin breathed against my lips, his eyes hooded and it was then that I even seemed to notice just how close we now were.
“Then don’t. We can fight this together if you just let me… you have to let me all the way in because if you don’t, it’ll all just get worse and worse.”
Pressing his forehead to mine, Justin closed his eyes, weighing into me as he sorted through his options. “I came here with the intentions of making things right between us but come to think of it, I need more than reconciling. I need help.”
“Okay,” I whispered, “We can do that. We can get you—”
“No,” He shook his head, “not that kind of help.”
“What do you mean?”
“You, Kelsey,” Pausing, he cupped my cheek into the palm of my hand. “Only you can help me.”
“I want you to close your eyes.”
“What?” Justin craned his neck so that he was able to look at me. We were currently sitting on the grass just outside the back patio, with my body in between his perched legs, my back against his chest, our fingers interlocked.
“I said I want you to close your eyes,” Turning my head, I gave him a small reassuring smile. “Trust me.”
Narrowing his eyes playfully at me, Justin slowly closed his eyes. “Okay, what now?”
“I want you to relax. Shake everything out of your system and just focus on breathing evenly.” When I felt him calm behind me, I sustained, “Now, I want you to think back to a time you were the most happiest.”
“That’s easy,” Justin shrugged, “I’m the happiest when I’m with you.”
My lips curved into a smile, “That doesn’t count.”
“It does to me,” Kissing the side of my head, he pulled me into him. “You always make me happy.”
“But I really want you to think about this,” I urged softly, desperate to bring him to an earlier time in his life back before he met me, back when things were normal. “Think back a couple years, dig deep.”
Sighing, Justin pursed his lips, rattling his brain for a time and place.
“It could be about anyone or anything.” I countered gently, my fingers playing with his.
After a few minutes of nothing but the rattling of the leaves and swish of the trees, Justin finally managed to remember something. “When I was eight, my dad would take us both fishing.”
“Really?”
He nodded.
“Tell me more.” Resting into the comfort of his arms; I felt my stomach flutter with butterflies as Justin nuzzled his nose into my hair, placing a soft kiss.
“We would go every Sunday. It was like tradition. We would wake up at the crack of dawn because according to him that was when the fish would be out. We’d also be one of the firsts at the lake which made it easier for us to catch something too.”
“He’d drive to the fishing store so we could buy some fresh bait. Sometimes he’d even buy some gummy worms and claim to my mom that they were only going to be used to lure the fishes in but in reality, he’d only buy them for the both of us to eat.”
“Sounds like fun,” I breathed out happily, relieved to see Justin focusing on something positive for once.
“It was,” I could feel the smile growing on his face. “One time, my mom was waiting for us to return. We told her not to make dinner because we thought we’d catch something but our luck ran out that day and we ended up with nothing,” Chuckling, Justin shook his head, “so my dad and I went to the nearest market and bought a huge striped bass. When we got home we told my mom that’s what we caught.”
Giggling, I squeezed his hands, “Did she ever find out?”
“Of course she did,” He laughed whole heartedly making my heart swell up. It’s been a while since I’ve heard him actually enjoy himself for a change. “She noticed the moment we gave it to her but she played it off as if she didn’t so she wouldn’t upset me.”
“Sounds like it was a lot of fun,” I cradled my knees to my chest, our hands placed on top.
“Yeah,” Justin sighed in content before nestling into my shoulder and glancing over at me. “I see what you did there by the way.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I innocently replied, hiding the smile on my face as I focused my gaze on the fading stars above us.
“You made me remember the good times so I’d forget the bad.” He stated a matter-of-factly.
“Did it work?” I held my breath, waiting for his answer as I inwardly prayed that it did.
“Yeah,”
“Good.” I nodded, pleased with myself.
“What about you?”
“What about me?” I creased my eyebrows simultaneously.
“Do you have memories from when you were younger?” Playing with the ends of my hair, he waited patiently for me to say something.
“Not that I recall of—no.” Frowning, I tried to reflect back on a couple of years. “Well, there is this one time when me and my mom baked a cake for Dennis’ birthday.”
“Oh?”
“We planned this huge surprise party that he luckily had no idea about and we had decided that instead of going out and buying a cake, we’d make one. I mean, how hard could it be, right?” I scoffed, “We almost burned the house down.”
Widening his eyes, Justin laughed, his voice echoing in my ears far longer than expected, giving me chills. “Are you serious?”
“I told you I wasn’t a good cook,” I pouted, “It’s not our fault, okay? We set everything up perfectly. We mixed the combination, we put in the eggs and vanilla extract, I even set the oven to 350 degrees.”
“And then?”
Cowering away, I hid my face, “Well once we spilled the contents into the tray, we put it into the oven and decided we’d check back on it in fifteen minutes since that’s what the box instructed.”
Justin’s eyes enlarged in realization, “Oh no.”
“Oh yes,” I sighed, “We ended up coming back half an hour later to a smoking oven.”
“You really don’t have luck in the kitchen, do you?”
“No, not really,”
“I’ll be sure to never ask you to bake me a cake then.”
Gasping, I turned around fully, slapping him playfully in the chest. “You’re mean.”
“Sorry that I want to make sure my house doesn’t burn down, geez.” Justin rubbed the spot where I had hit him, winking playfully in my direction.
“I hate you.”
“No, you don’t. Stop lying to yourself,” Cheesing from ear to ear, Justin put my hair away, revealing my eyes to his sparkling ones. “You love me.” He murmured, “Almost as much as I love you.” Leaning forwards, Justin hesitated at first before pressing his lips to mine.
Sparks flew around us and instantly, I felt ten times hotter as if we were in the middle of the Sahara Dessert despite the frigid cold weather outside.
Raking my fingers into his hair, I brought him closer to me, my body yearning for his touch as he cradled me into his arms, our torsos pressed together.
Pulling away for a split second, we reattached our lips, hands everywhere as we fought to compose our breath.
Pressing his forehead to mine, eyes still closed, Justin took a deep breath. “I missed this.”
“Me too,” I retaliated truthfully.
“Come on,” Giving me a chaste kiss, Justin stood up, holding his hand out to me. “We should probably head inside. It’s almost morning and neither one of us had any sleep tonight.”
I reluctantly slid my hand into his, pulling myself up before dusting myself off with my other hand. “I had other things in mind.” I mumbled more to myself but as usual, he heard me anyways.
“Really?” He raised an interested eyebrow, “and what’s that?”
“Welllll,” I dragged on, finding sudden interest on the grass underneath my foot, “let’s just say it consisted of you and me...”
“Mhm,” He nodded, amusement twinkling deep inside his swirls of chocolate hazel.
“On a bed…”
“Yeah…?” He contracted his eyes, slowly coming to terms with where I was heading with this but continued to pursue it even longer.
“With absolutely no sleeping involved…” I trailed off, humming an acquitted tune to myself.
His eyes darkened quickly, a storm brewing within. “Don’t tempt me,” He warned huskily. “Come on, you need sleep and so do I.”
Groaning, I playfully rolled my eyes. “Fiiiiine,” I mumbled lazily, “Let’s go to bed.” I mimicked in a childish voice, following after him.
Chuckling, Justin wrapped his arm around my waist, bringing me into his side as his lips found my temple. “You are just full of surprises tonight, aren’t you?”
“You have no idea.”