السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
I'm back with another update! One that I'm actually unsure about posting truth be told... but anywho, go ahead and enjoy!
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#30 The Intervention
'Assalamualaikum kids and grandkids. Welcome to story night by our favorite Razeena Ali!' Samar exclaimed as the whole family took their seats around Dadi in the sitting hall.
'Kids and grandkids… I didn't realize you were so old,' Di mused as she took her place next to Phuppa.
Samar grumbled as everyone laughed at him.
'Ma sha Allah, it's great to have my family around me like this. It's going to be quiet around here after half of you leave the day after tomorrow,' Dadi said.
'Aww Dadi let's not think of that already,' I plead.
It really was sad to think that Razi Phuppi and family and Dad and my brothers would leave for Dubai tomorrow night. Ashiana has been very lively these last few months. And I'm going to miss Samir and Dad and Jaad a lot.
'Well, I called you all here to talk about Ibrahim A.S and more importantly his family. We all know the story of this great Prophet who first built the Ka'aba which has become the center of worship for Muslims all over the world. We know that because of his great faith and loyalty he was known as Khalil-ullah, the friend of Allah.'
'He was brilliant. His way of proving idolatry baseless was remarkable and yet ignorant people threw him into the fire. And Subhan Allah, he was unharmed by the fire by the Grace of Allah. Such was his faith in his Lord that he didn't even flinch while being thrown to what looked like certain and painful death,'
'While strong belief and faith are spoken of a lot, what stands out in the life of Prophet Ibrahim and his family is their sacrifice. With his first wife Sarah he had no children initially. And when he married Hajara Bibi and was blessed with his son Ismail, he had to leave them in Makkah, which was then a barren land. Literally in the middle of nowhere with no people or resources. Never did Hajara bibi complain. Their acceptance of the Qadr of Allah is a feat people of today would never be able to accomplish,'
'Hajj, one of the five pillars of Islam, it's so closely associated with the life of Prophet Ibrahim A.S and his family. Hajara Bibi's search for water between the mountains Safa and Marwa is now Sa'ee, how many thousands of people replicate this action on a daily basis. The Ka'aba was built by Ibrahim A.S and Ismail A.S. and in all our prayers we stand facing in its direction. This great pillar of our deen was established by Ibrahim A.S and his son.'
'Sacrifice. Something especially hard for humans. Be it our wealth or health or whatever other possession. Think then what it must take to sacrifice one's own son whom you got after such a long time and whom you had to abandon for years. Think then what it must feel like to give up your life when you're so young. And yet both Ibrahim A.S and his son were only too willing to oblige what Allah asked of them.'
'Imagine the level of piety they must have had. Could we even have an atom of it in our hearts? Allah alone knows. What Ibrahim A.S and his family have taught us with their lives is to dedicate and sacrifice everything dear to us for Allah. To strive in that path alone will add much to our book of good deeds. Sacrifice wealth that isn't even ours to begin with. Sacrifice health that is a huge blessing from Allah. Sacrifice our own feelings of being wronged and to learn to forgive. We only sacrifice for the people we love. And so giving up things for Allah's sake is a way of expressing our love for our Rabb.'
'We sacrifice animals and distribute the meat on Bakrid as a reminder of Prophet Ibrahim's sacrifice. And tomorrow we fast to show our unity with all the people who are performing Hajj. The day of Arafa and the gathering at Arafa also symbolizes us gathering before Allah on the Day of Judgement. So, what I want my family to do tomorrow is to fast sincerely tomorrow and repent truly for your greatest sins. Think of something that you could give up for the sake of Allah and try to do so in the year ahead,'
'I pray that Allah will keep us together for many more years to come and that we as a family would strive to do good and promote good. I pray that we be able set an example to society as a family that lives the Islamic way of life. I pray that those of us who are struggling will find their struggles made easier and that Allah increase us all in Iman. I pray that Allah blesses all my children with pious spouses and children. In sha Allah, Allahumma Ameen.'
'Ameen,' We all chorused as Dadi stopped speaking.
A trail of tears went down my face. I was not the only one whose eyes were wet. All our emotions swelled up high with what we heard today. There was so much to think about. It was overwhelming.
I felt like having a full on crying session. Barely grabbing anybody's notice I managed to leave the hall and make it to my room. And then I broke down.
It was true I had learned to appreciate how beautiful Islam is. I had learned to accept Allah as my Creator, my Rabb. Salah had become with effort one of the most important thing in my everyday life. Ramadan was a month of such bliss.
But.
I still had to learn what it meant to live as a Muslimah. To live as Allah expects me to live. To lead a life that would please Allah. To put Allah before everything else… I don't even know if I could ever do it.
And that was heartbreaking.
I resolved to first let go of my pride. Junaina Javed Ali, always sure of herself, always thinking she's right. Bleh, so wrong… so so wrong. I had to learn to be humble first.
And that was lesson number one.
Second would be incorporating hijab into my life. Which is kind of really really really hard for me at the moment. I see beauty in modesty and yet I fail to apply that to my life. Ayesha Di is always happiest when she has to choose hijab for the day. She was always so worried if a single hair was peeking out or if her dress showed off her beauty. Watching her don a hijab is quite interesting. She takes such great care to ensure that everything is covered up properly. At home she doesn't even pin her hijab, but her dupatta would still be very secure.
Lesson number two for me.
I was already so exhausted making a list of reasons why I'm not good enough, I didn't even want to think of how much more I'd have to change.
It made me sad and a bit mad.
I cried in my Salah and I fell asleep on my prayer mat. And that was how Di found me when she came to wake me up for Suhoor.
'You okay?' Di asked as I rub ed sleep away from my eyes.
'A little bit sore as I slept so uncomfortably, otherwise I'm fine,' I reassured her with a smile.
'Uh huh… well come downstairs fast. There's not much time left.' Saying that Di left me to clean up.
As quickly as possible I brushed, cleaned up and ran downstairs. I reached the dining hall with just enough time left to stuff some fruit and bread in and drain a mug of coffee. Just as I put my mug down the Azaan was called out.
'Juni beta did you have anything properly? We all woke up so late…' Chachi trailed off as she stifled a yawn.
'Yeah, I had enough.' I said with a smile.
'Okay boys, if you all have your wudhu then let's leave for the masjid,' Chachu said as he got up to wash his hands.
Marwan and Safwan were both dozing. They were saved from planting their faces into their plates as Sumi Phuppi took them away. Razi Phuppi crept to her son and then called out loud 'Marwan!'
He jolted awake and looked around as though he were still in a dreamy haze. Phuppi sprinkled water on him and then instructed him to take wudhu and go with Faiz.
Everyone else left and Faiz had an annoyed look as he waited for Marwan and Safwan.
'I'm getting late because of you two, now hurry up!' He said irritably.
I couldn't help but chuckle as I watched Marwan try to get Safwan to move. He poked him all over and then pulled his hair and tried to scream into his ears. Safwan still snored peacefully.
Faiz lost his patience. 'You go take wudhu and wait for me at the entrance.' He commanded Marwan who obliged, and then he came by Safwan and pulled him upright by his ear.
'Ow Mom! I'm up I'm up. Stop it hurts!' Wailed my brother and all I did was sit and laugh at him.
Di was also smiling as she cleared away the table.
'Aww honey, Mom's in Dubai. Now come with me to the masjid before I drag you all the way like this,' Faiz snapped.
It was then that Safwan came to his senses.
'Faiz bro, you're cruel,' he whined as he touched his now red ear. 'And I'll be downright evil if we become late because of you, now run!' Faiz said pushing Safwan in front of him.
Once they left and the whole table was clear, the ladies congregated in the prayer room. Chachi stood as Imam for our prayer. Except for Dadi and Sumi Phuppi the rest of us left the prayer room once we were done and retreated to our rooms. Di followed me to mine, with an intent to talk.
When I stepped in to my room, I realized it was not just Di but almost all my cousins who were waiting for me up there. Samir took the lone sofa, Samar was on the couch with Faiz and Shoaib bhai was sprawled on by bed. Di went and took her place in our favorite spot by my window.
I stood in the middle of the room flabbergasted.
'What's up?' I asked as they all made themselves quite comfortable.
Clearing his throat unnecessarily bhai said, ' We the youngsters of the Ali family are gathered here to stage an intervention for our dearest sherni Junaina Javed Ali!'
His proclamation left me even more confused.
'What intervention?' I asked pronouncing each syllable.
'As Ayesha and Samir, the two most perceptive of us, noticed-' Shoaib bhai was interrupted by Faiz as he said, 'Cut the drama, we're all tired and in no mood for it. Sorry bhai.'
Shoaib bhai gave up with an exaggerated sigh.
'Last night Dadi's words touched all our hearts and we all felt like there is a lot that needs to changed. But you seem to have been affected the most. We just want to know if you're okay,' Samir said looking straight into my eyes.
There was no room for me to lie. And I didn't want to anyway. I wanted to evade this whole intervention thing, but I was also sick of my own feelings.
'I don't know,' I replied honestly.
That's all I could say though. All of them waited for me to speak more, to explain. But I couldn't put my feelings into proper words. I was tired and sad. And angry too. I was disgusted by myself.
'You think you're not good enough?' Guessed Faiz.
I looked down, unable to meet anyone's gaze. My weakness was written quite clearly on my face and I couldn't bear displaying it. It was disheartening to be the only one who cannot incorporate Islam into life amongst our group.
'Oh Juni why would you think like that?' Di asked.
I remained rooted to spot unable to move or answer.
'Because, she thinks that she isn't trying hard enough. And that even if she tried her best she could never be like one of us,' Samir answered.
Bang on brother, I wanted to say.
Shoaib bhai scoffed and started laughing really hard. I couldn't believe it. Here I was feeling miserable about myself and he found it funny.
'Shoaib!' Di said sharply.
'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. I wasn't laughing at you either Juni. It's just so hilarious that you think we are all such perfect people. I mean look at me, half the time I'm a brat!' Bhai exclaimed once he calmed down.
'He's right. It's so stupid of you to compare yourself to us. As though we are the sahabas of old. And even they weren't perfect.' Samar said, surprising me with his serious tone.
I slumped down, unable to hold myself together anymore. I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry.
'We all have our own struggles Juni. And while it may have taken you more time to grasp the truth of things, you're doing quite well.' Faiz stated with a smile.
'Okay okay! Give the girl a break boys. You're overwhelming her!' Di said before anyone else could speak.
I looked at her with gratitude. She came to get me and made me sit by her side. Giving my shoulder a squeeze she said, 'Take a deep breath Juni,' and I obeyed her.
'Now, before these idiots start their motivation speeches once more, I want you to tell us what's making you feel so bad about yourself. We've already guessed it and that's why we're here, but I'd like you to tell us yourself anyway. Trust me, it will help.'
Reassured by Di's talk, I let loose and told them everything. Well almost everything. I couldn't speak of my feelings towards Zaid, but everything else I bared open for them to see. I spoke of my insecurities as a Muslimah. I told them how I found it hard to wear hijab. I explained my worries that I'm not living life as would please Allah. I expressed my envy at their relationships with their mothers. I shared all the jeers and taunts I faced from school by some of the girls and boys.
I told them all about it.
By the time I was done the sky had begun to lighten up and tears had left a trail on my face. My voice was hoarse from speaking so much. But I felt good. Human comfort is something special after all.
When I was done, I was met with a range of expressions. There was thoughtfulness on Samir's part and surprisingly on bhai's face as well. Di had empathy written all over and Samar looked worried. Faiz had the least expressive clook. His face was a mask hiding his thoughts.
'Well, I feel bad for you Juni. But more than anything, I'm proud of you. You are truly a sherni my dearest drama queen,' Shoaib bhai said giving me his full-blown crooked smile.
And it made my heart swell up with emotion.
'Bhai's right. You're a fighter. And in sha Allah soon you'll be gaining victory over all your problems!' Samar claimed.
'And you're patching things up with Mom. So things will be okay on that front as well,' reassured Samir.
'Like Dadi says, shaitan finds many ways to make us give up. Maybe this is his way of making you go back to your old ways. He wants you to believe that you cannot be good. But you are Juni. Never forget that, you are good.' Faiz said with conviction.
And it struck me that he was indeed right. How very nearly I had gotten to the point of giving up on myself! If it were not for these idiots taking it upon themselves to come and force me into sharing my problems, I would have considered myself good for nothing.
'I love you guys!' I blurted out making everyone smile.
'We love you too Juni sherni. Don't you dare become a billi!' Bhai yelled and Samir threw a cushion at him.
'I don't know about you guys, but I could catch some sleep.' Samar said stretching as he got up.
'Yeah. Let's go. None of the adults would bother waking us early today anyway,' Faiz said.
The two of them left first after saying salam.
'I think I'm quite comfortable here,' Bhai said snuggling into my pillows.
'Oye. Leave my sister's room before I kick you out!' Samir said. He was not being serious at all, but it made bhai leave.
After giving me my favorite big brother hug, Samir too followed bhai out. On my insistence Di stayed with me and after talking for a while about random stuff, we fell asleep.
I was at peace with myself. Despite having worries, I knew that as long as I had Dadi and my cousins, I'd never go back to who I was. And that thought made me feel more contented than anything else.
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I can't believe it's chapter 30 already. Initially I thought this story would end in 30-35 chapters. Now it seems like it could go on for another 15 chapters, in sha Allah. I'm excited!
Hope you liked the chapter.
Stay tuned for more.
Love,
Ann J