Chapter Five – Jasper
I had been so distracted by thoughts of turning up at school after last night, I had forgotten to say a proper goodbye to anyone at the cafe. Before I realised what I'd done, I was in Jenny's car on the way to classes. I took a deep breath and leaned back in the seat. The thought of being in class, acting like it was any other day, was bizarre to me now. I felt different.
"Hey," Tom nudged me. "You okay? Last night was good, yeah?"
"So good," I couldn't help smiling. "It's just weird slotting back into my day and the whole closet thing. God, I can't wait for this sodding year to be over so we can just get on with life."
"Don't worry about that," he replied, looking sympathetic. "Mum and I are going to drop you a few streets away from the school, so you don't get seen driving in with me."
I blinked; I hadn't even considered that. I hadn't considered what would happen if I turned up to school with Tom. I hadn't even really thought about how school would change now I was friends with Tom. "No!" I blurted out, horrified at the thought of him asking his mother to drop me off so I wasn't seen with him.
"Jazz, it's fine," he replied gently. "I get wanting to keep it on the DL. It's all good, I promise."
"No," I repeated, and looked at Jenny pleadingly. "Don't drop me off away from the school, I promise, it's fine. I'm not going to be 'secret friends' with you, that's ridiculous."
Tom exchanged a wary glance with Jenny. "I don't want to be the reason you're subjected to rumours flying," he said carefully. "It's not... I don't want you to feel pressured. We're fine with protecting you from that."
"No," I said firmly, my face heating up. "I - the world can handle me having a gay friend, Jesus."
"I don't think Jesus is available to be your gay friend," Tom joked.
"Well, I'll settle for you until Jesus comes around," I gripped the handle of my bag firmly and repeated, "I'm not going to be 'secret friends' with you. We're good. I'll drive in with you. If someone says something... well, we're only stuck here for another few months, and then we're free, right?"
Jenny hesitated, but continued to drive towards the school. Tom sat back in his seat, saying, "It's up to you," but I felt so much better about my decision when I saw a small smile creep onto his face.
"Your friends seem awesome," I commented, trying to distract myself from the increasing feeling of dread as we rolled into the car park. "I like Edward a lot, the whole drag thing was so cool."
"Yeah, they're great," Tom grinned. "Ed is hilarious, he was actually quite subdued around you. My mothers have known Ross - what, ten years?"
Jenny nodded, smoothly reversing into a parking space. "Since he was your age, really. Lucie and I were somewhat protective over Ross and Harper - and then Ed joined the group a couple years later, with Raven coming along shortly after. We had just opened the café, so we became the mothers of the group. Right - get on out, you're going to be late otherwise."
Tom leaned forwards to kiss his mother on the cheek, and I did the same, because I felt just hopping out of the car with a 'thank you' didn't seem like quite enough. She looked very pleased when we got out, smiling widely with an enthusiastic wave.
"Sorry," Tom laughed a little at her expression, as we closed the doors and started walking through the car park. "She's very excited that I have a friend at school."
I felt a stab of guilt. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you before..." I trailed off uncomfortably, and then sighed. "I was very caught up in protecting myself, I didn't think of anyone else."
"Like I said yesterday, you don't need to explain it to me," Tom replied, slinging his bag over his shoulder as we walked towards the school entrance. "Trust me, I get it. If it had been physically possible for me to pretend I was straight through school, I would have done - but living where I do, with two mothers, I was already labelled as weird by proxy. When I left school, I worked at the LGBT centre. I just didn't see the point in hiding it when I came back."
I nodded, and then decided that no matter how uncomfortable it became for me, I wouldn't ditch him. I liked him. I liked his family, his friends, and his community. I didn't want to pretend he wasn't in my life, because I didn't want to jeopardise him continuing to be in my life. I cleared my throat, and asked, "So, is Raven older or younger than Ross?"
Tom thought about it for a moment, and cautiously said, "I think she's like ten minutes younger - they're twins, but I'm fairly sure Mum said that Raven was younger."
"Oh," I said, surprised. I would make a very strong mental note never to tell Raven that I thought she was a few years older than her brother. I had seen her arm muscles, and I knew she could absolutely take me in a fight.
"What about you?" Tom asked. "Any siblings other than your brother?"
I nodded. "Just the one - Andrew. He's at university at the moment." Tom cocked his head slightly at my tone, which had turned bitter. "Sorry," I grimaced. "He and I get on really well, we're close - but he's very much The Golden Boy. He set some impossible standards, and my parents really want me to meet them."
"Judging by your grades, I'm guessing you're very good at meeting them," Tom teased me, and then he mused, "Do you think you and Ross will meet up again?"
"I mean, I don't think he'll seek me out," I shrugged, trying not to let any hope bubble up inside me. "But I mean, I'm likely to see him around - especially if you're friends with him. I wouldn't avoid him or anything. I just don't think he's interested in anything more."
Tom grinned. "You know, if you come out tonight after seeing your brother, you should dance in front of him with a very hot guy - Ross, like most men, doesn't like seeing his shiny toys taken away from him."
I giggled a little. "I just hope he doesn't forget me immediately-"
"Jay?"
I stumbled slightly as I heard a friend's voice. Rory and I had been friends for a year or so, and he'd returned to school with us when we'd planned it, but he'd always been closer to Cyri than me. It wasn't that he wasn't nice - he was great, actually, and we had a lot in common. I just hadn't ever had the nerve to tell him I was gay.
"Oh," I couldn't stop the apprehension pouring into my words. "Hey, man."
"Uhh," Rory's eyebrows were knitted together, which was comical because they were so thick and dark. He almost looked like a cartoon character. "Hey, Jay - err, hi, Tom."
"Hello," Tom replied kindly, and then checked his phone and feigned surprise. "Oh, I've got to meet someone at Lit class. See you around, Jasper."
"Sure," I tried to smile as I waved him off, and he shot me a wink once Rory wasn't looking. "So," I said to Rory. "Ready for a riveting class?"
He gestured to Tom, and said, "What was that about? I didn't know you guys were friends."
"Oh, yeah," I nodded, clearing my throat as I turned him around and pushed him towards the school doors. "Yeah, we got talking after working on a class project."
"How come you drove in with him?" Rory frowned, letting me push him into the building. His eyes widened slightly, and he asked, "Did you stay at his? You know what kind of comment that's inviting, right?"
"Am I in the right area if I say it's something about being gay?" I asked, rolling my eyes. "A guy can't stay at a friend's without it being A Thing? I stay at yours all the time."
"I guess," Rory replied, and then eyed me. "You know if you were, it wouldn't bother me, right? As long as you know I don't play for the same band."
I shot a look around the corridor, checking for anyone that could overhear. When I saw a cluster of students that we would be approaching, I pulled him round a corner and under a flight of stairs. Rory raised his eyebrows and said, "I seriously don't play for the same band, mate."
"Oh my God," I rolled my eyes. "Shut up a second, I'm not into you, dude." I hesitated, and then muttered, "Fine, yeah, okay, I am, alright? I was going to tell you ages ago, but you were so happy about me and Cyri being a couple that it just... I felt bad, man."
Rory's eyes bugged out of his skull. "Are you freakin' kidding me?" he demanded. "Does Cyri know?"
"Of course she knows," I protested. "It was her idea!"
"Unbelievable," he snapped. "I cannot believe you two - how long exactly were you going to leave it before you told me? Hm?"
"Cyri wanted to tell you, trust me," I grabbed his arm before he stormed off. "Dude, please - I wanted to tell you, but this isn't the kind of thing I could do lightly, you know? I told Cyri because she was literally there when I realised, when I experimented, when I did anything, she was there. She's always been there, man, she needed to know."
Rory looked pissed, but he didn't walk away. He folded his arms across his chest and said, "So what, I find out when everyone else does cause you show up at school with your boyfriend?"
"He's not my boyfriend," I replied. "We are legitimately just friends. We only even became friends yesterday! I didn't mean to make friends with Tom or have to come out at school, I just wanted to see what the gay bars were like. So I went, last night. But... I don't know, I liked it. I met Tom and all his friends and his family, and they welcomed me like I was family too."
Rory softened. "Aren't Cyri and I family?" he asked, and then groaned. "God that was gay." When I looked at him flatly, he allowed, "Okay, point taken."
"Look, I'm not taking any of this lightly," I told him, and then leaned against the wall. "I had a great night. I guess I took a step out of the closet and now I don't want to go back in."
The bell rang, and Rory looked around. "Let's skip," he said.
"What?" I asked, frowning.
"You need to talk this out, and I need to wrap my head around it," he said, pushing me towards the side door. "I'll text Cyri, she's in a shocker of a mood this morning. I asked who pissed in her cereal and she told me to go fuck myself."
"Maybe it's your charm," I replied.
****
Cyri got to our meeting spot first. There was a set of old goalposts at the back of the school grounds, where no one ever went anymore. It was overgrown and out of eyesight of any of the building's windows. We met her there and I sat on the grass as she handed me my bookbag from yesterday.
"Hey," she said hesitantly, and then looked at Rory. "What's so important?"
"Well, this tit decided to rock up to school with Tom Ramsdale," Rory told her, sitting down next to her. "Then came out to me under a staircase. I'm not happy with either of you."
"What did I do?!" Cyri demanded. "I wanted to to tell you, but Jay was convinced you were going to crucify him if he did."
Rory shot me a surprised glance. "You did?"
"I never said crucify," I hastily interjected, and then added sheepishly, "I did say you might chase me with a pitchfork."
"Nice, Jay," he glared at me. "Look, I'm not the most... I don't know, it's not like I know anything about it, but I could be supportive! I'll get to know Tom! I'm sure he's, uhh, a good boyfriend?"
"I appreciate the effort, but Tom is not my boyfriend," I said, and wondered how many times I was going to have to tell people that. "We literally just hung out together with some of his friends. It wasn't Tom I slept with-"
"Ha!" Cyri grinned widely. "I knew you'd slept with someone - tell me everything."
Rory's brain had apparently taken in too much information, and he lay down in the grass. "I'm not sure I'm ready for this."
"It really wasn't Tom?" Cyri asked suspiciously, ignoring Rory having an existential crisis. "Cause I mean, you could have come in straddling him and it wouldn't have been less obvious that you slept at his," Cyri pointed at me, as I went through my bag to find where I'd hidden a snack the day before. "I know you wanted to have fun - but why would you fuck someone that could out you so easily?"
"Oh, I didn't," I replied lightly. "I met Tom in town last night and we went out together, but I didn't go home with him. I met someone in a club. He was friends with Tom's mothers, so he dropped me by there this morning."
"I literally don't know what part of that to address first," Cyri blinked, and then tried to collect herself. Once she had processed what I'd told her, she said, "Okay, so you went home with someone other than Tom, who is the age of Tom's parents?"
"He's not their age," I said, and then reluctantly added, "He's twenty-eight."
Cyri gaped at me, and Rory sat up after that piece of information. "Excuse me?" he asked.
"Oh, don't look at me like that," I snorted. "It's not that big a deal. He was super hot, and he asked, and I said yes. Don't make it weird."
"I'm not trying to make it weird!" Cyri exclaimed, ignoring Rory who said 'it's already weird', and took my hand. "Baby, I'd never want to ruin anything like that for you - I'm glad you had an awesome time. I'm just without a lot of the context here."
I sighed. "No, you're right, I'm being defensive. Tom and I ran into each other, and he invited me back to his. We hung out with a movie, he loaned me some of his clothes to go out in, and he introduced me to some of his friends at the club. One of them was this guy called Ross-"
"Picture?" Cyri asked immediately.
I frowned, and texted Tom.
Cyri being nosy. Do you have a picture of Ross? x
"I also met Edward, who works as a drag queen called Sapphire," I informed her. "Plus Ross' sister Raven, and their friend Harper. It was fun. We danced, and Ross kind of... well, I don't want to say 'targeted me', but..."
Cyri smirked. "Get to the good stuff. You said he was hot?"
"You have no idea," I laughed. My phone buzzed, and I saw Tom had texted back with a photo.
Don't ever tell him I sent you this. He's such a dramatic queen. x
The photo was of Ross at the beach, only in shorts and sandals. It had clearly been taken a few years ago, because he looked younger, but it was definitely him. I showed Cyri and she eagerly looked, and nodded, saying, "Not bad at all."
"Let me see," Rory insisted, and when he saw the photo he said, "I don't know what to even say. Did he know how old you were?"
"Yeah, cause he knows Tom and the situation," I replied.
"Rory, you are skipping over pertinent details," Cyri reprimanded him. "How was the sex? Was he good? Did you give or take? Tell me everything."
"You know, you have in fact had sex with me," I reminded her. "I was there. I should hope you remembered it."
"I did not take it up the-" she began.
"Whoa!" Rory and I shouted immediately in unison. I added, "Cyri, ease the poor guy into this!" Rory nodded fervently. "Please."
Cyri practically burst out laughing. "Jay, I mean this in the kindest possible way - but you turned up to school with Tom Ramsdale, so you should probably adjust to 'taking it up the ass' jokes. And Rory, grow up, you've had sex before. Now come on, give me the details."
"I mean I didn't have a dick in my ass, that's a new thing for me to wrap my head around," he glared at her, but she smacked his leg and nodded at me to answer the question.
I sighed. "It was a little weird, like it felt pretty fucking awesome, but way different to doing it myself-"
"Good lord," Rory said quietly.
I ignored him. "But yeah, seriously, I nearly blacked out the first time, it was really fucking good. I made the right decision going with someone experienced, I can tell you that for sure. The second time was better because I wasn't so nervous."
"Second time?" Cyri eyed me.
I blushed. "Turns out I have a fast reload when I'm horny."
Rory put his head in his hands. "I wish I hadn't asked for this heart-to-heart."
"I'll try not to take offence that once we had sex, you couldn't run away fast enough," Cyri snorted at me, and then asked, "Are you going to see him again?"
"I don't know," I pondered. "I'll probably see him around given he's friends with Tom and his mothers, but Tom made it pretty clear that Ross doesn't tend to do repeat performances."
"So he fucked you, but has absolutely no intention of ever seeing you again?" Cyri asked, frowning as she absorbed this information. "Well, I guess that's fair if he told you beforehand. Don't you want to see him again? Like, if the opportunity came up, would you go for it?"
I hesitated, and then nodded. "Yeah, I would. But I also don't want to attach too much to it all, because it likely won't happen. But honestly, damn it was good, so of course I want to have that again." I looked at Rory to see how he was processing this. "You doing okay, man?"
Rory sighed heavily. "I guess I just feel bad. I don't like that you thought I wasn't the kind of person you could tell."
I shrugged. "It's not that I thought you'd be a dick or anything, I just... if it went to anyone other than Cyri, I knew I'd end up having to tell everyone." Rory went to protest, and I said, "No, I know you wouldn't tell anyone, but asking you to lie for me would make me feel too bad. I've been back and forth on it a million times with Cyri."
"He is kind of needy when he's lying," Cyri confirmed.
"But like I said before," I sighed. "I don't want to give up being friends with Tom and finding my place there, and I really don't want to give up the kind of fun I had last night. So I know I don't really have a choice - I guess it's going to happen."
Cyri smiled a little sadly, and squeezed my hand. "I guess this is it for us, then?"
"You were a wonderful fake-girlfriend," I kissed her hand. "And you know I'll owe you until the end of time for doing it for so long. I love you."
"I love you too, baby," she smiled, and then looked at Rory and said, "So... You good with all of this?"
Strangely, Rory was kind of blushing. He averted his eyes from her, which I found suspicious and noted to follow up on later. He looked at me and said, "If you're happy, I'm good with it. What do I say if people ask?"
That was very much the question. I sighed heavily. "We've only got a few months here. Fuck it. Tell them they should really ask me, rather than gossiping behind my back, but yeah, I'm not hiding it anymore," I replied, sounding casual about it but generally feeling like I was going to throw up. The thought of people asking him made me nervous. I probably had a few days before the rumour properly made the rounds, as it was only a few people that saw me and Tom together briefly, but I knew it would happen eventually.
"Andrew's coming home tonight, right?" Cyri asked, stretching out next to Rory. Her skirt rode up a bit and I saw Rory tense slightly. I held back a smirk. I wondered if the thought of me being gay had been softened slightly by the thought of an available Cyri.
"Yeah, don't forget you're both supposed to be coming over for the big welcome home dinner," I told them. "His classes are basically done now, and his exams don't start for a few weeks, so he's home to chill out."
"I'm jealous," Rory sighed. "I wish our classes were bloody over."
"We don't have much longer," Cyri said wistfully. "Just a few more months and then it's summer, and then we're free from this place forever. Have you told your folks yet about the fact you've been accepted to the arts schools?"
"It's only if I get three A grades," I reminded her. "But no, I haven't. They think I got into the business schools still. I'm hoping I can get Andrew to fuck up royally so I won't seem so bad in comparison."
"You think they'll really care that much?" Rory asked. Cyri and I exchanged a look. Rory's mum was the type of parent that wanted their kid to be happy, no matter what made them happy. Mine and Cyri's were very academically-minded and pushed us towards what they viewed as productive and useful, regardless of whether we wanted to do it or not.
"Well, they'll find out soon enough," I sighed. "I've got to tell them that and the gay stuff. If only I could just do it the day I move out so I don't have to hear any of it."
"Look, we've got your back," Rory told me. "But you've got to take the steps, you can't just avoid shit forever. If anyone says anything, point them in my direction."
I smiled a little. It was nice knowing that at least the first person I'd come out to other than Cyri and Tom was supportive, if a little annoyed with me. "Thanks," I said, and I hoped my voice conveyed all the things I felt, but couldn't find the words to say.
****
It wasn't until last period that it was mentioned; I was sat in class next to Rory, pretending to care about whatever he was discussing when in reality I was doodling in the corner of my page absent-mindedly. The muscles in my arse were kind of stiff, and I kept having to shift position to avoid the aching. It was so distracting, especially when I kept thinking of the reason why it was sore.
"Dude," Rory hissed, elbowing me.
"What?" I asked crossly, looking at him, when I realised the entire class was looking at me. "Oh," I said, realising I'd missed something. "Sorry, sir, I didn't hear that."
Our teacher sighed, but repeated it for me. "We're discussing Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, Jasper - please pay attention. I was asking your thoughts about the relationship between Marianne Dashwood and John Willoughby. Do you think their relationship was as imprudent as Elinor Dashwood believed?"
"Oh," I said, dragging up what I remembered from the book. I had finished it only a couple of days ago, so it should have been fresh in my mind, but the events of the last 24 hours had somewhat muddied them. "I... yes, in the context of the time it was really embarrassing for all of them. Nowadays, not so much, because we don't have as strict rules around relationships and prudence as we did then - both Marianne and Willoughby were were obvious about their feelings for each other, without confirming an engagement, which was mortifying to the family. The context is more important than the actions of the couple."
Mr Moore nodded. "If their relationship had been more prudent, do you believe it would have been a match that lasted?"
"No," I replied. "I think given both their personalities, the secretive nature of whether they were engaged or not made Marianne more involved in her feelings. Because Willoughby never officially proposed, Marianne was always waiting. I think the secretive nature of their relationship heightened their feelings for each other - until Willoughby decided he wanted to be rich instead."
"Good," he said, suddenly snapping the book closed. "Now, who can link that to modern day?" When he got no response, he sighed. "Come on, guys, this is your coursework question – you have to make sure your analysis of the book is compared to modern socio-political contexts."
"Well," Cyri, in front of me, said. "I suppose any relationship that you've got to keep quiet could be one - if you have to hide it, it's similar to Marianne and Willoughby concealing their lack of engagement from the others. It's not quite the same, but it's similar."
"Give an example," Mr Moore prompted her.
Cyri shrugged. "I don't know, someone who your parents don't approve of. Like, I guess Willoughby these days would be like a player, someone who's seen as a bad influence."
"Perfect," Mr Moore said, jotting it down on the whiteboard. "Another one. Come on, fire them at me."
"If there's an age gap," I suggested. "Marianne and Colonel Brandon have a significant age gap, which seems to be okay in the book, but if there was such a huge age gap between two people now, it's a huge deal. Not that I think that's a bad thing - sometimes large age gaps aren't suitable."
"Very good," he said, also jotting it down – suddenly, I was very glad Tom wasn't in my class because I had a feeling he'd have shot a smirk at me for the suggestion. "Another?"
"If you're a fag."
I looked over, along with the rest of the class, to see who had spoken; Harry Richmond was sat there with a smug look upon his face.
"If you're referring to sexuality," Mr Moore said carefully. "Then yes, sexuality can play a huge part in keeping relationships quiet. Although I wouldn't condone you using such a term, Harry, sexuality can be a reason someone would conceal a relationship."
"Yeah," Harry said, and then shot a look at me. "Maybe Jay could tell us all about that."
All eyes fell upon me and I coloured slightly, wishing that he'd just shut up. I was ready to have sex with guys in their late twenties but I was not ready to argue with Harry Richmond in the middle of class.
"Shut up, Harry," Cyri said suddenly. "Just because you can't get any, doesn't mean you have to be horrible to those who do."
The class had to stifle their laughter as Mr Moore interrupted with, "Hey now, kids. Let's keep it clean, alright?"
Harry, of course, wasn't going to pay any attention to that. "Whatever," he said, not in the slightest affected. He eyed Cyri. "Just cause you're his beard-"
"Maybe you should focus more on your work, and less on other people's relationships," Rory said sharply.
"I quite agree," Mr Moore said sternly. "If you can't behave in this class then you can go to the headmaster and explain yourselves to him there. Alright?"
Harry fell silent, but I could see him shooting us both looks. I swallowed. "You didn't have to do that," I whispered to Rory.
Rory shrugged. "Doesn't matter."
I left it alone. I continued doodling on the page of my book, but my mind sure as hell wasn't wandering now. Eventually, the lesson came to a close and I had to think of a way to get out of the classroom at a different time to Harry so I could avoid a fight. I decided to stay behind, packing up my things really slowly until everyone had gone except Cyri, Rory and me.
"Hurry up," Rory complained.
"I am," I said, shoving things into my bag more quickly now he was out of sight. "I don't really want a run-in with Harry."
"I do," Cyri glared at the empty doorway. "I'd like to see how satisfying a thud Austen's book would make coming into contact with his head."
"He's right, though," I sighed. "You were my 'beard', and I didn't think how the comments were going to be directed at you as well. I'm sorry - you don't deserve any of this."
"You think I can't handle some bullshit from Harry Richmond?" Cyri snorted, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "Austen would be ashamed of me if I didn't beat him down with some scathing words and a withering stare. Or, yknow, I'll let Rory punch him."
"Thanks," Rory replied, rolling his eyes. "Come on, both of you, we should hurry up and get to Jay's before his mother starts texting us to pick up a million things from the shop on the way home."
As we headed towards the doors, my phone vibrated. I looked down at it.
Can you pick up a bottle of merlot for tonight? The one we got the other week with the blue label design. Forgot to get it earlier, and it's Andrew's favourite x
I sighed. "Too late."
*****
Rory: ...
Jasper: ...
Rory: okay for real though is anal any good
Jasper: it's SO GOOD-