This chapter is dedicated to Deal_with_it_1394
Read the A/N at the end of the chapter please :(
Tw: swearing, self harm, major feels of sadness
Lloyd
"Avery?"
"Who is this," Avery answers.
"I-it's L-Lloyd," I answer shakily.
"What's wrong?" Avery asks roughly.
"N-nothing," I says trying to not stutter. I failed. I didn't want to tell him, but I do at the same time.
"That's bullshit Lloyd. What's wrong?" He asks again.
"I-I.. it's kai."
"What did he do?" He says seriously.
"Nothing!" I answer quickly, "It's m-me I did something. I just don't know myself anymore.."
"Come over to my place. We will talk," Avery tells me. He gives me his address and then we say our goodbyes and hang up.
His apartment is close to where I was. I begin to walk to where he told me. I went to the 3rd floor and looked for the number 32. I finally found it and knocked on the door.
He opens the door and hugs me. I hug him back tightly. I needed a hug. We both pulled back from the hug. He invited me into his apartment.
"So tell me what's wrong," Avery said as we both took seats on his couch.
"K-kai saw the.." I couldn't say the words. I could never say I self-harmed out loud. I can't even do it when I'm alone.
What if Avery runs? What if he thinks I'm a psychopath? What if he yells at me and says I deserve it? What if he thinks I'm a freak.
"the paper," I finish after a few moments. It was the first thing that came to my mind. I just couldn't tell him. I just can't.
Lies, lies, lies. You're such a fucking liar Lloyd. Maybe you should tell him. He would just call you names and then you would kill yourself because your a fucking baby.
I begin to tear up. I hate my mind. I hate it so much.
"Lloyd don't cry," Avery says putting his arm around me, "Now what was on the paper?"
I burst out crying. I just can't hold back the tears much longer. I just hate crying. It makes me feel weak. It's because you are weak.
"It h-had e-everything. It had what I hated and loved on it. It had what a thirst for. It had what I beat up myself for. It had my happiness, sadness, my relief," I say talking about my scars, my burns, my self hate.
"Shh Lloyd it will be okay," Avery says and hugs me. I hug him back,"How about we go to sleep, and clear your mind."
I nod. He turns off the lights and lays next to me on the couch. We cuddle and he falls asleep, as for me I don't. I can't sleep. I was up with the dark part of my thoughts. I didn't fall asleep until 4am.
I woke up around 6am. Avery was laying next to me when I woke up. I smiled, and then remembered yesterday. I wanted to cry. I want to self harm.
I get up and go to the restroom. I want to hurt myself. There aren't any razors, so I grab a hair straightener. I plug it up and turn it on. I let it warm up and then hold it to my skin. I do it all across my arms. It hurts.. I hurts so much. I like the pain. Tears form in my eyes from the pain. I like it. I'm insane aren't I?
"Lloyd?" I hear Avery question from the other room.
I quickly turn off the straightener and pull down my sleeve, "I'm in here!" I yell and then flush the toilet to not raise suspicion.
I walk out of the bathroom and he smiles at me. I feel my phone vibrate. I look at it.
37 miss calls and 124 new text messages.
I open my phone and see all the ninja have been trying to reach me. I see Jay's name and I remember about his birthday party. It's today.
"My friends birthday is today want to come with me?" I ask Avery.
He nods and I, fake, smile.
🖤
When we arrived at my home to go to Jay's party you could hear from miles away. Lights flash and people crowd the main entrance. I push past people with Avery right behind me.
When we get to a somewhat empty room I see jay. I greet him.
"Hey jay," I say.
He turns around, "Oh, hi Lloyd! Where were you last night, everyone was worried sick! That reminds me kai is looking for you. Do you want me to go get him?"
"No don't. I'll find him later. Anyways happy birthday!" I say trying to take the subject off kai.
"Lloyd?" I hear a familiar voice say behind me. I know exactly who it belongs to. I don't want to turn around. I would rather do anything in the world, but turn around right now.
Someone grabs me and pulls me out of the room. The person pulls me in a closet. They lock the door and turn on the lights, it's kai.
"I was so worried something happened to you!" Kai says and hugs me. I don't hug back. He pulls away when he realizes I'm not going to hug back. He frowns.
"What do you want kai?" I say sharply.
"I want you to stop," he answers with glassy eyes.
I don't answer. I let silence fill the room. I'm not lost for words, I just know he won't like my response. I decide to tell him what needs to be said.
"No."
"Why?" He screams.
"Because I deserve it kai! I don't deserve happiness! I'm not good enough! I'll never be good enough!" I yell as tears start dripping from my eyes.
"That isn't true," kai whispers loud enough for me to hear, "It's not true! That's not true, Lloyd! You're more than good enough!" He yells tears stream rapidly down his face.
"I hate when people do that. Your lying. You don't want to admit it but you know I deserve it! This world would be better off without me!" I scream. I'm such a hypocrite. I lie all the time.
"That's not true," he says quiet. Tears continue to fall from his face.
"Lies, lies, lies! That's all I hear from you kai!" I yell opening the door slamming it shut. I wipe my tears away with the sleeve my shirt.
I see Avery, and this time I tell him everything. I tell him every detail. I tell him about the self harm, about kai finding out, about the depression. He doesn't interrupt. He just listens. After I finish telling him he does something that surprises me.
"But you are worth it," he says and kisses me.
-
So I've been super depressed lately. I was clean for seven days and then today I broke it. I cut a little deeper than usual and it felt good. I'm scaring myself. I feel lonely because I have no friends. I want to talk to someone, but I can't because there is no one to talk to. So can someone pls DM me because I just can't handle myself anymore. I wish I could make a whole chapter about why and all the shit I has going on my head, but I know that would bore you guys.. I just need someone that will be there for me and not leave me like everyone else in my life.
I also made a new song quote book thing. I would appreciate if you checked it :p
Bye babes