~I cried while I wrote this chapter, so prepare yourself for this. ~
I sat up slowly and tried to climb out of the bunk without causing myself any more pain. I was halfway out when I felt myself to start slip too quickly. I could already almost feel the pain that would go through me when I hit the floor when someone caught me. "Careful, you're going to hurt yourself." Travis said as he righted me on my feet. "Thanks Trav." I said gratefully as I started toward the back lounge. "Let me help you, you really need to relax." Travis scolded as he wrapped his arm around my waist and threw my arm over his neck. "I'm fine; you guys need to stop worrying." I said feeling slightly annoyed as I sat down on the lounge. "Not gonna happen. How are you feeling? I tried to see you last night but when I came onto the bus Zack said you were relaxing in your bunk." Travis told me.
I put my feet up on the lounge and Travis sat across from me. "Yeah, I was tired last night." I said even though it wasn't true. I didn't feel like talking about Alex knowing it might upset me. Travis gave me a look like he knew the truth but he didn't say anything which I was thankful for. We sat in silence for a bit, the only thing I really focused on was the red lock of hair hanging down in my face. "The bus is really quiet, where are all the guys?" I asked after the quiet really started to get to me. "Zack is working out, Rian is in his bunk and Jack is nursing a bad hangover." Travis told me and I nodded lying my head back on the pillow that was behind me. "Wait, where's Alex?" I asked curiously and Travis shrugged. I wondered where he went but I didn't want to text him.
I was still mad at him but I wasn't too mad at him anymore. I was done with all the fighting and all I really wanted to do was hug him. I picked at my finger nails as I thought about whether or not I should text him. I was just about to find my phone to do so when I heard someone clearing their throat and I looked up to see Alex. "Uh, can I talk to Leah for a bit Travis?" Alex asked sounding nervous. "Yeah, I'll be out front Leah." Travis said before getting up and walking out, shutting the door softly behind him. Alex sat down by my feet and nervously played with his hair. "Alex." I said after he was quiet for more than 5 minutes. "I'm sorry Leah." Alex said softly and I nodded. I went to go talk but Alex held up a hand. "I'm sorry and I think we, I think we should break up." Alex said and my jaw dropped. "Wha-what?" I stuttered and Alex looked like he was having an internal battle.
"I think we should, we should break up." he said trying to sound firm. My heart sank and I felt like I needed to throw up. "You're serious?" I asked and he nodded. "YOU'RE FUCKING SERIOUS?" I screeched and I reached for the nearest thing to me. Alex ducked just as I whipped the remote at him. I stood up too quickly and I felt pain shoot through my stomach but I was so mad that I didn't care. "You fucking prick! I leave my fucking job and my state for you and you're breaking up with me?" I screamed coming at him. Alex opened the door quickly and backed out as fast as he could. I didn't care though because I went after him, continuing to whip things at his head. "What the fuck?" Rian said quickly ducking before a sneaker could hit him in the face.
"Leah, calm down!" Alex shouted at me and that made me even angrier. "You said you loved me!" I yelled starting to get a bit hysterical. My stomach tore up with pain, my heart ached and tears came down my face. "What is going on?" Rian asked getting between us before I could throw something else at Alex. "I'm going home, that's what's going on." I said wiping my tears while walking back towards the back lounge. "What? Leah why?" Rian asked following close behind me. "I'm done." I said ripping my stuff out of the closet. I had to stop and catch my breath before I started shoving things into my suitcase. "Sit down; you're going to hurt yourself." Rian said grabbing for my arm but I yanked it from his grip. "I'm fine." I said while shoving everything I owned into my bag. "Leah, you can't do this! Alex is just being stupid, he'll be over this tomorrow and then you guys will kiss and make up." Rian said but I shook my head.
"Not this time Rian, we're done." I told him and he flinched at the absolute sincerity in my voice. "Leah please." Rian begged but I shook my head. "I'm staying at a hotel tonight, I'm flying home tomorrow and I'll figure out what to do then." I told him and Rian sighed in defeat as I heard feet. "Leah, you can't do this!" Jack exclaimed and I shook my head. "It's happening." I said stubbornly as I looked over the back and made sure I had everything. "Leah please, think this over before you do anything rash." Travis pleaded but I shook my head. "I'm sorry." I said softly and started trying to lug both heavy suitcases to the front so I could get the rest of my stuff and just go. Rian grabbed them from my hands though, "Fine but at least let us help you." he said softly and I let them slip from my hands. Rian and the rest of the guys left the back quietly. I stood up straight and sucked in a deep breath. Be strong Leah I told myself and then I walked out.
*Alex's POV*
I hated myself so much, the heart wrenching look on Leah's face caused me to ache with guilt. I needed to do it though, this pain would be less than all of the pain I would end up causing her combined. I had thought hard about this while on my walk and this was best solution I could come up with. Well best for her, definitely not for me. My heart felt like it had been pounded into minced meat and all I wanted to do was cry, so that's what I did. I went straight to my bunk, closed the curtain and bawled my eyes out. I wanted so bad to jump out of the bunk and beg Leah for forgiveness, to tell her how stupid I am and how she should stay but I didn't.
I was still in my bunk feeling guilty and sorry for myself when someone yanked the curtain open. "It's time for the meet and greet." Jack said softly and by the red rimmed look of his eyes I could tell he had been crying too. "I'll be in there in a minute." I croaked and Jack nodded before walking away. I climbed out of the bunk and darted into the bathroom before anyone could see my tear stained face. I washed my face quickly, fixed my hair and tried to look like I wasn't a mess. Once I finished in the bathroom I went into the back and changed out of the crappy clothes I was wearing. After I had fresh jeans and a shirt on I walked out of the back lounge. The bus was quiet and I knew all of the guys were already in the venue. I plastered a smile on my face before walking down the steps and out of the bus. All of the kids who were outside in line screamed at the sight of me and I waved at them before slipping into the venue.
The meet and greet had already started by the looks of it and the large grouping of girls squealed before crowding around me. "Hi. Yeah, I can sign that for you. Thank you." was pretty much the only things I said all night. I could tell most of the girls were annoyed by my attitude but I didn't care. I was depressed; the one person I loved most in the world was leaving because of me. I knew it was for the best though and I tried to tell myself that but nothing could stop the way my heart ached. It was like losing her all over again. Finally when the meet and greet was over I escaped to the quiet of the dressing room. I curled onto the couch and laid my head on the arm rest. I was only in there alone for a couple minutes when all of the guys came in. Jack threw himself onto the couch beside me while Rian and Zack sat over on the floor against the wall. I could hear them talking quietly and every once in a while they would shoot me a glance.
I started to feel uncomfortable after a couple minutes of this and I jumped up. "I'm going to get a drink." I told everyone and without waiting for an answer I slipped out of the room. I looked down at my cell phone and I fought the urge to cry as I saw the background that was Leah with her nose scrunched up and nuzzling my face while I smiled. I swallowed down my tears and just focused on the time. I saw that I had about two hours until I had to be back for the show. I pulled my hood up and walked swiftly down the street, looking either for a bar or for a liqueur store. Finally I reached a store and turned into it quickly. I pulled down my hood so I didn't look like I was up to no good and started down the aisle. I grabbed a bottle of Gray Goose and then a six pack of Heineken before walking to the front. I paid and then quickly grabbed everything. Once I got back to the venue I popped opened the beer and started drinking.
The guys all gave me worried looks as knocked back drink after drink and when I went for the Gray Goose bottle Matt banged into the room. "What are you doing? You should be warming up." he scolded pulling me up and dragging me away from the bottle. I groaned in annoyance as he pushed me away from the bottle. I did as Matt said though and a couple minutes later we were being shuffled onto the stage. Despite being extremely upset I actually performed really well. I didn't feel like joking around much and Jack mustn't have wanted to joke around either because our time spent between songs talking were short. The kids seemed to be having a good time though and as soon as I finished the last song I escaped from the stage and bright lights. I practically ran into the back and grabbed my bottle of Grey Goose before going straight to the bus. I didn't care that I was sweaty, I didn't care that I stunk, I just climbed into my bunk and started drinking.
A bit later I was crying while taking sips from the bottle and going through pictures of Leah on my phone. I was drowning myself in self-pity when the curtain to my bunk was pulled open. "You're pathetic." Rian said taking the bottle from my hand and shaking his head. "I'm not." I slurred and Rian gave me a look. "You are, you're sitting here drinking yourself away and feeling bad for yourself when you let her go, you hurt her. You didn't have a say the first time she left but you sure as hell did this time." Rian scolded and I reached for the bottle but he held it out of my reach. I didn't want to hear this, I knew he was right. "Lea me 'lone." I whined drunkenly and reached back for the bottle. "Fine, drink your life away." Rian said shoving the bottle roughly back into my hand and sliding the curtain shut.
*Leah's POV*
I laid back on the bed in the hotel room and texted Jack, thanking him again for getting the room for me. As much as he didn't want me to go, as much as he begged me to stay I had refused. And once Jack realized there was no changing my mind he insisted he pay for the hotel and my plane ticket home saying that it was Alex's fault I was here and it was the least he could do. Finally after a half hour of straight fighting in the lobby of the hotel I agreed and Jack pulled out his credit card. "Are you sure I can't change your mind? You can sleep in my bunk." Jack offered but I shook my head. He sighed in defeat and after getting me a room turned to me. "Get whatever you want to eat and order a couple of movies, it's all on me." he said pulling me to him for a hug.
I held back the tears that threatened to fall as I realized I had not only lost Alex but I was losing all of the guys too. "I love you, call me every day." he instructed and I could hear his voice cracking. I looked up into his big brown eyes that were full of tears and that's when the flood of tears began. They poured down my face and I buried myself into Jack's chest. After a couple minutes of crying and Jack rubbing my back gently we pulled away. "You can still come back with us." Jack said wiping my tears away. I shook my head and turned to see Rian and Zack standing there. I coughed down my tears as they came over to me. Rian wrapped me into a gentle hug and kissed my temple. "I'm gonna miss you Lee. Text me." he said and I nodded. Zack was next and it was pretty much the same thing, a hug and instructions to keep in touch. Once we had said our goodbyes the guys brought me up to the room and Jack got me settled in bed while Rian and Zack went to wait outside.
"Don't strain yourself, tomorrow the bellhop will come up here and help you with your bags. Rest and I'll call you when I book the flight so you know what time to be ready." Jack said in such a grown up way that it made me want to laugh. "We have to go, I love you." he said softly and pecked me on my head. "Jack, wait." I said grabbing his hand before he could walk away. "I love you too and, and can you take care of Alex?" I asked and Jack nodded. "Of course, he's my best friend but you are too. I know you love him but he's being a stupid asshole right now. If he's gonna be this way then you deserve better." Jack said and I bit down on my lip to keep from defending Alex. I nodded and Jack sighed, "Promise me you'll come visit?" I asked and Jack nodded. "Couldn't get me to stay away, I have to go now. Bye and I'm serious, order whatever you want." Jack said before walking out of the room and leaving me alone.
Hours later I was sitting back and hoping Jack would call me. After having someone to talk to at all times for the past few weeks and now suddenly being alone with nothing but my own thoughts I was dying slowly. I tried hard not to think about Alex but every once in a while he would sneak into my mind and I would cry until I couldn't cry anymore. I was watching some movie as I ate some random thing I ordered when my phone rang. I scrambled for it hoping it was Jack and tried not to spill my food onto the bed. "Hello?" I asked as I put the phone to my ear. "Hey, how are you feeling?" John asked. "Great, how was the show tonight?" I questioned. "It was good and are you sure? You sound like you've been crying." John pointed out and I cursed myself for not blowing my nose before answering the phone.
"I don't know John, it's been a long day." I explained and he made a sympathetic sound. "Jack told me what happened, I'm really sorry Leah." he said sympathetically but I didn't want anyone's sympathy, I didn't even want to think about earlier. "Thanks John but I have to go." I said quickly not wanting to discuss today with him. "Alright, good night Leah. Kennedy said hi, Pat said he loves you, Gary said you better text him and Jared said he's gonna miss you." John said quickly and I chuckled. "I love them all, you too." I said before hanging up and throwing my phone beside me. I couldn't believe I was leaving all the guys behind. I had gotten so close to them and now I was going home, where I had no one. I pulled the pillow on to my face and screamed into it, I hated my life. Things just never had to go right for me, did they?
I was just about to call it a night when once again my phone rang. This time I checked the caller ID, not really in the mood to talk to anyone but Jack. Luckily it was Jack though and I answered it quickly. "Hey Jack-Jack." I said attempting to be cheerful. "Hey Lee, how are you feeling?" he asked and I smiled at the sound of his voice. "I'm good, full." I told him. Jack laughed and we talked for another couple of minutes. "Alright, well tomorrow I booked the flight for late afternoon so you can sleep in a bit." he said sweetly and I frowned. I had just gotten Jack back and here he was slipping away again but best friends forever, right? No matter the distance or the time I knew Jack would be there for me.
*Alex's POV*
The next morning I woke up in a cold bunk, no Leah being there made it that way. My head pounded but the pain in my chest was worse. I climbed out of the bunk that just smelt of her and stumbled down the bus tiredly. All of the guys were sitting in the front eating but I ignored them as I banged around for a bottle of water and some food. Once I had everything I needed I escaped to the back lounge and turned on the Xbox. Mindless video games would capture enough of my attention for a long time so I wouldn't have to think about Leah or how much it hurt knowing she wasn't here. A half hour later I was trying my hardest to get into the game but I just couldn't focus and I finally gave up. I leaned my head onto my knees and let out sobs that shook my whole body.
I struggled to pull myself together when I heard people nearing the back and I had just wiped away the last of my tears when Matt poked his head into the back. "You guys have a signing in a half hour, hurry up and get dressed." he said coming in, flicking on the light and shutting the Xbox off. Normally I would have freaked out at him but instead I just started to gather everything I needed together. I could feel Matt's eyes on my back but I ignored him as I slipped past him and trudged to the bathroom. When I finished I walked into the front lounge and was attempting to get the cap off a bottle of beer when Rian walked into the front. "What the fuck are you doing you idiot? It's barely noon." he said trying to wrestle the bottle from me.
"Just let me have it." I wailed as Rian ripped it from my grip and returned it to the fridge. "No, I'm not letting you become an alcoholic." Rian said stubbornly and I groaned crossing my arms over my chest. "Stop being such a brat, this is your fault." he said before pushing me off of the bus. I shoved my hands in my pocket and kicked at the ground angrily as we waited for the rest of the guys. I knew it was my fault; Rian didn't need to freaking point it out. Finally they all trailed off of the bus and we climbed into the car. I sat in the passenger seat while Matt drove and I stared out the window. The guys all talked but I just wasn't in the mood to join in. All I could think about was if Leah okay, what she was doing right now and if she missed me as much as I missed her.
I knew she probably did, I mean she loved me and I loved her. You're doing this for her own good I told myself as I started to feel even worse. That didn't make me feel any better though and I swallowed down all of the emotions that threatened to explode. I could use a nice strong drink right now I thought as we pulled up to the FYE. I couldn't help but think about seeing Leah again after all that time at the last CD signing and I almost burst into tears but Jack smacked a hand on my back. "It's okay dude." he said soothingly and I nodded as we walked inside. I plastered a smile onto my face as we shook hands with the manager. When we sat down at the table I turned to Jack. "She's gonna be okay, right?" I asked and Jack nodded.
"She cares about you still Alex, told me to take care of you." Jack said and I felt guilty. "When is she going home?" I asked and Jack looked down at his watch. "She's heading to the airport now." he said and my throat constricted, she was really going. "How did she pay for it?" I asked and Jack smiled. Realization dawned on me, Jack had paid for everything. "Dude, let me pay you back and when she gets there tell her you're gonna book her a hotel so she can stay until she gets everything together, I'll pay for it." I said quickly and Jack nodded. "Couldn't you tell her you paid for it though?" he asked and I quickly shook my head. I knew how stubborn she could be and I knew she wouldn't accept anything from me.
I was about to say something to Jack but kids started to pour in and I put a big smile on my face. I smiled, I made small talk and I signed CDs as kids came up to the table. I wasn't as loud and crazy as I would normally be but even this little bit was asking for a lot from me at the moment. Every time I saw a girl with red hair I thought of Leah even though it wasn't ever exactly the right shade. I was so pleased when finally the signing was over and we could go back to the bus. I snuck onto the bus first, stole a couple beers and snuck them to my bunk before any of the other guys could notice. I proceeded with my drinking in the darkness of my bus and tried in vain to forget Leah's beautiful tear stained face. The face that was so full of pain because of me…
~*Thoughts? Angryness? I know you guys must hate me.*~