I feel like time is slipping away, increasing in pace, becoming faster than its normal turning. It only brings me closer to the dreaded moment: The moment I, and my new husband, will walk hand in hand out of the banquet hall and into the bed chamber, to consummate that which has been sanctioned this day.
I can feel the same bundle of nerves coiling in the pit of my stomach with every passing moment. A sickening feeling which I had encountered before bedding Henry, although, I am certain it is intensified ten-fold this night. With the King, I had pent up passion which overcame my anxiety but I know there will be no eagerness tonight, no overpowering lust. Sir Compton, my husband although attractive, had not built me so, he is naught but a stranger and tonight will be nothing but a transaction, a sealing of a deal.
"You are shaking." Anne whispers.
It is more a scold than a regard for my well-being. She hates when people show their emotions clearly, she despises that the court will read into my actions, even though, I am certain none are close enough to see the small shake of my hand. I grasp my drink tightly and try to steady my breathing, when that fails I pour the contents eagerly into my mouth letting the heavy sensation of wine slip down my throat, warming my insides and settling my anxiety.
"I will have to go soon. I can feel the night creeping up on me." I say before taking another sip.
"You have done it before. At least you are not going as a maid, but an experienced woman who has had more than one go on her stallion." She grins at her own jest. "You know what to expect, you will be fine."
"This is different. I do not know the man, he is a stranger to me. I will be stuck with him all night. What if he snores?" I add in all seriousness.
The snort of laughter which escapes Anne breaks my own resolve, cracking the tension and making me laugh in response.
"All women experience this day. Only the poor wed for love, we fine folk are stuck with whoever is chosen for us, you are lucky he is not ancient, looking more for someone to tend his aging body, than a lover." She replies.
I look upon my husband, easily taken with drink and fine humour. He looks to be enjoying the day's merriments, partaking in all entertainments. He is handsome and although older than me, not so much, as to be frail or running to fat. He has an elevated station, wealth, and as previously discussed he would expect a family from me - once the King grew tiered - he was interested in a wife, not a nurse maid.
"I need some fresh air," I say my cheeks heated from drink.
"Would you like company?" She asks.
I know her well enough by now to know it is just a polite gesture. She is not one to miss the gossiping circles and courtly antics not for a moment if it can be helped. She did not want to miss a second of it especially not for the freezing temperatures of January. If she truly wanted to accompany me she would not have asked but walked on regardless if I wanted her companionship or not.
"Alone is good, thank you," I reply.
I do not step into the gardens, the nights chill has crawled into the expanse of stone passageways deterring me from traveling further into the bitter frost without a cloak. The temperature is brisk even among walls and a ceiling, the lack of rugs and fires among the main passageways do nothing to fight off the chill leaving a chatter to my teeth and goose bumps across my skin. Yet it is fresh, awakening. Taking my mind off the inevitable, even for a second is bliss.
A warm hand on my shoulder breaks my reprieve. "You are cold, Kat. I do not want you taking ill." Henry says earnestly.
I tilt my head into his touch. He has not spoken to me much today, only an offer of congratulations and a hearty speech meant for the crowd and a married pair. No words for me. I do not know how he feels about today but it is odd to see another man standing beside me, repeating vows of commitment and love when the man I would truly say them for is watching.
"I will go back soon. I just had to take a moment." I reply softly.
He wraps his arms around me, instantly warming me. I can feel his breath tickling my neck pleasantly. The silence, is somewhat reassuring. I take comfort in his steady breathing and strong presence. I wonder if he too is feeling the quickening of time. Does he also dread the coming moments?
"It will be time for you and William to leave soon." He says confirming my thoughts.
He kisses my neck softly, releasing a small moan from my lips, appearing foggy in the crisp air. He responds with another kiss, delighted in my response. A fleeting thought passes my mind: I am now a married woman, and on this sacred day, I am already sharing intimacies with another man. I am an adulterer by their rules, but strangely no one cares when it comes to the King. If he was but a common man and me a woman, I would surely face punishment for such sin-full acts.
We walk into the hall together. It is so packed, you would be forgiven for thinking only a handful of people would notice our arrival. They would all know, he is King and everyone tracks his whereabouts with courtly skill. I catch William's eye as Henry escorts me over to my new husband, as if we had just taken a friendly stroll. I watch his face, and take note that my new husband must be a skilled courtier for his expression does not betray any passing thoughts, only merriment. If he is bothered by the scene before him, which declares him a cuckold on his wedding night, he does not show it.
"It is time." Henry announces to a crowd full to the brim of spirit, food, and drink, who stir up a roaring cheer.
I glance at the cheering crowd, mustering a smile which I hope represents some sort of merriment. For we all know the situation, and if they are acting like this is not unusual then I would be a fool to not do the same, it is after all my wedding day.
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I was gifted a grand room when named Mistress, and now I see, that it truly is exquisite in comparison to other chambers. My new husband still holds nice rooms but he is only a knight, and even with his newly presented office as Under-treasurer of the Exchequer his new space is not the luxury I have been getting used to under my own new title. I admit, I am relieved when I find out those chambers which were lent to me, are still mine and will not be occupied by anyone else. Normally it would be unseemly and a catalyst for gossip if husband and wife shared different rooms, but as mistress, and with my lover being the King, I am permitted my own space to prepare for our Ron-du-vu's.
Anne and Jane help me unravel the complicated layers of clothing that make-up my wedding dress. As each layer is removed I feel lighter, until I am left in only my chemise, feeling drained of energy, I had underestimated the effort needed for wearing such a piece for the day.
"Leave us, please," William says to all attendees.
They oblige his request, shuffling out of the chamber is slow steps, turning their heads with childish grins on their faces accompanied by jests of his lacking manhood, which only makes William laugh in response.
"Do not be keeping him up all night, Kat. He is an aging man." One man shouts among the crowd making me blush profusely.
I am relieved when the door closes behind them all, until I begin coughing - from the cloying incense trapped in the small room with us - making it a struggle to breath. William swings open a window allowing a gust of cold air to freshen the chamber, I instantly move towards the chilling breeze.
He seats himself onto the edge of the window alcove, his eyes looking me over. "Are you well, William?" I ask after a few moments of awkward silence.
He smiles in response. "Sorry, Katherine. I was taken back for a moment, you are very pretty."
I smile nervously at his compliment, unsure on how to respond so instead I make my way over to him perching down beside him. Would it be lude of me to start so we may finish, it has after all been a long day which I do not want to drag on further than necessary. I lean in and kiss his lips gently, he pauses a moment before returning the kiss. He suddenly stops, and I can feel his hand on mine, stopping my fingers from untying the lace on my chemise.
"No, Katherine. There is no need to do that, I cannot touch you." He says regrettably.
My eyes snap to his. "What do you mean you cannot touch me? We are duty bound to consummate this marriage." I reply questioningly.
"A duty I would be happy to complete, however, you are the Kings mistress I cannot lie with you, not while you bed the King." He replies seriously.
"You are my husband, you have to consummate this marriage with me." I say shocked.
"I am protecting any child you might have from the King. You need to be certain it is his and not mine. I cannot bed you while you lay with him, it will prevent all false claims." He reply's slowly.
It clicks easily, the words making complete sense, I should have known. Mary did not lie with her husband while she was Henry's mistress. Her baby was not claimed by the King even though, we all know it is the King's bastard.
"Then this will not be a completed marriage. If you wished to break this contract it could be ended easily. There is no safety for me in this contract." I say without meaning too.
"No. I promise you, Katherine. You will be safe with me, I am trying to protect and secure any children you might conceive with the King. When your time as mistress comes to an end, we will complete all our marriage duties, as a proper husband and wife." He says convincingly.
I found myself believing his words, they sounded sincere and it soothed my worries easily enough. He wanted a future with me and it filled me with a sense of safety. Hopefully, it would be long in the future when I had a prophesied child in my arms, my status and life secured.
Sleep came to me easily, even with the new sensation of having a stranger beside me. The long day had worn us both out, and apart from the odd awkwardness of finding our places, and boundaries, we both fell quickly into slumber.