I stared at myself in the mirror. My hair was straight by my sides, still warm from the straightener. My eyes were perfectly framed by my liquid eye-liner and a small thin coat of mascara making my brown eyes pop. My lips were a mutual pink, nothing too deep. My cheeks had a light coat of blush to bring some colour back to my face. I took a deep breath and looked down to see the packet of pills on the basin. I wasn't sure why, but I was hesitant to take them.
It had been only a few days since I told Anthony about the voices and all out chaos that reigned inside my head. He had suggested I go see someone, to help talk things out while everything was a bit much and overwhelming. I hadn't liked the idea to begin with but, after thinking about it for a day, I decided to give it a shot. It was fine, if not a little awkward in the beginning but it helped. To be able to say everything out loud felt like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. But now, I had been given medication.
It would help with concentration. It takes the edge off. That was all.
Don't do it!
Come on Sky, can you really live without us?
It won't get rid of you, just dual you a little. I took a deep breath and put one of the pills in my mouth, swallowing it with a cup of water.
You're gonna regret that.
"Maybe." I spoke out loud now. "Maybe I won't."
I finished getting ready, slipping my feet into my heels and pulling on a blue shirt before I walked into the kitchen. Anthony stood there with a piece of toast in his mouth and an carton of Orange juice. "Did you take them?" He asked me as he filled up two glasses of range juice. I nodded to him and he raised the two glasses for a toast. "Here's to day one of a new life." I smiled at him and took the cup of orange juice before kissing him quickly.
"I'm going to be late."
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As the days past I felt no affects of the tablets. My inner self was still busily making my life hell and pulling my attention away in meetings. I pushed through Anthony's unsupportive business mind and hunted down a willing investor for the new branch making the owner name me employee of the month - I got a little badge and a free lunch. I will admit that I had an edge over everyone else - that edge was called Anthony's book of associates, basically a collection of rich business tycoons who had too much money and too much time on their hands. And after three phone calls, I found one happy to invest in the small start up company.
I had also made the effort to visit my father every few days in his new rehab facility. He appeared to be doing better and from a brief chat with his doctors, I was assured he was making a speedy recovery with simple cognitive therapies and a small dose of anti-depressants. Although, I doubted they were the actual results - no one recovers that quickly without faking it. Whether the doctors simply didn't want me to worry, or my father was playing them for a fool - I wasn't sure. It wasn't difficult to do I knew that myself. I had convinced every counselor I had that I was fine and didn't need medication - all except my new one of course. But that was another matter entirely. I wasn't doing this for myself, but rather for Anthony. Because he asked me too. Because it would make things easier for him. And also because I feared becoming my father.
I think that simple fear was the one thing driving me now, taking over every part of me. I've started working harder to prove I was a success. I've started seeking help to prove I can over come even the demons inside my head. And I've put more effort into being a fiancé, even if Anthony has pleaded with me every day this week to stop trying to show him how much I care by cooking him dinner and showing him the TV shows that are most important to me - although, I do think he is becoming rather attached to this seasons Bachelor.
The weeks past and I felt drained. I could barely keep my eyes opened at work - my colleagues often caching me drifting off to sleep a number of times at my desk. I could hardly focus on my tasks, my eyes blurring together. Maybe I need glasses?
I waited for my inner self's opinion on the matter but there was nothing. Dead silence.
Hello? Anyone there?
My thoughts echoed in my mind as if I had screamed the words in an empty room.
I frowned and leaned back in my chair. When did that start happening? Or more appropriately, when did it get so quiet? I couldn't say. Thinking back, I couldn't pin point the time in the week when everything stopped. When the voices disappeared or when I got so tired. Maybe it was because I've been stressed. It sometimes happened.
Still, there was no answer.
"Yeah Sky, maybe that's it." I said out loud, answering the way my inner self typically did, with a hint of annoyance and sarcasm. "Way to use your brain."
I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes. Looking down at my hands I felt them tingle with numbness. "Maybe you're having a stroke." I tried again, hoping my words would bring her out from where ever she was hiding.
I waited and listened. Still nothing.
My mind felt dual, and tired - so tired! Is it possible to die from being so tired? I decided a quick Google search would be a sure way to find out - as it turns out, I didn't need an inner self to get distracted, that was a 100% Skylar Martin thing.
Google didn't help me. It only made me more concerned. If given enough time, yes, yes it most defiantly can kill you. I swallowed hard. Maybe I should see a doctor? My next appointment with the psychiatrist was after work today; maybe I would breach the topic?
Pushing through the rest of the day I added nausea to my list of everything that was wrong with me. The dizzy spells were followed by a short burst of energy, long enough from me to run to a toilet and gag for about ten minutes before all of my energy drained again and I walked back to my office like the walking dead - and not the zombies from movies like World War Z, no I looked more like a zombie from the Walking Dead. All slow, with a limp leg dragging behind me, my mouth hanging open and small trail of drool seeping out.
I waited in hopes that my inner self would start flashing images in my mind, but there was nothing. As I compared, I couldn't even picture the zombies limping down the hall.
Packing up for the day, I grabbed my bag and headed to my appointment. I didn't have to wait long at his office as his previous client had cancelled their appointment. Walking straight in, I took a seat on the chair and placed my bag down at my feet.
"You look a little lethargic Sky?" He spoke as a greeting. Doctor Frans Gilt was a young man, dark brown hair that looked black in the office lights with grey eyes hiding flecks of green.
"Yes, I've been feeling very flat the last few days. To be honest I'm struggling to talk and keep myself awake." I answered honestly while I sagged into the chair, letting the seat hold all of my weight.
"Have you been taking the tablets as prescribed?"
I nodded yes, far too tired to speak.
"The drowsiness could be a side affect. How are the voices?"
"I can't hear anything." I struggled to get the words out. "I don't like the quiet."
"I know it can be strange at the start Sky, but it's for the best just remember that."
I wasn't entirely sure that was the case. But, I didn't dare voice the concern. Maybe my inner self was right when she said that I would regret it. She was a part of me, they all were. They said the things my mouth was too cowardly to say, they entertained me when reality bored me, and they made me laugh far more times than they made me cry. I wasn't psychotic. I wasn't suicidal. I didn't want to harm myself. Did I really need these pills?
"The side affects will lesson in the coming weeks Sky, you just need to push on." He pressed.
"I feel like I've lost a part of me." My voice was low, I wasn't even sure Doctor Gilt could hear me. "I don't feel like myself. I'm so flat, like a useless drone with no personality."
"I know it feels like that now, but - " I stood up not wanting to hear where this was going.
"Thanks Doc." I quickly said my goodbye and felt his office, purposely forgetting my prescription behind.
I went home quickly, wanting an escape.
As I opened the door I was hit with the smell of pasta bake in the oven and fresh vanilla candles. Anthony was humming to the sounds of his music lightly playing in the distance as he finished up cooking dinner. I quickly ran for the bedroom hoping to hide my tear stained face from Anthony's prying eyes. Slipping into the bathroom, I braced myself against the basin and took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself down. My make up was smudged and my eyes puffy. It was like my body was swelling with all of the emotion building up within me - and I had no inner self to act on it. It was all too much for one person, it needed to be shared between the collection of personalities inside my head.
That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I threw the pills into the toilet and flushed them. I walked into the kitchen where Anthony was pulling out the pasta bake from the oven. Damn that smelled good. I threw the empty packet of pills down in front of him. "I can't to this anymore." I was already fighting back tears, but the evidence that I had already let most of them slip was all over my face. "I feel flat, all I want to do is sleep all day and it's so quiet." I held my head in my hands wanting to scream. "This isn't me Anthony, I can't do this anymore." I turned and stormed out the door before he could stop me.
I'd never moved so fast, running out of Lustrous I didn't bother to take the town car and personal driver opting for the uncomfortable taxi. The taxi drove west and I watched as the scenery changed from the bright lights of the city to west side where the buildings were older, more crumbled and mostly still showing exposed brick. The car stopped and I was welcomed with the sight of my old apartment building.
Grabbing my bag, I paid the taxi driver and quickly went inside the apartment building. Walking up the stairs, I begged the voices to return. I wonder how long it would take for everything to be out of my system. Would they ever return? Would they ever be what they once were?
I pushed the thought from my mind and knocked eagerly on the door for Jessie. She opened in only a few seconds, a half melted ice cream in her hand. She blinked a few times, shocked at seeing me.
"Can I stay here for a bit?" I asked her, tears welling again.
"Of course." She opened the door for me. "As long as you need."
I sat with Jessie, telling her everything that had happened with my father, with Anthony, and all about the tablets. Jessie reacted accordingly before giving me a few bottles of water and yelling scull - best way to flush the pills out of my system she said.
I did what she told me and curled up in my old bed. But I never slept. Despite being so tired, despite my eyes screaming at me to let them close, I couldn't. I stared at my old wall, feeling scared and alone. I wished for nothing more than Anthony's arm around me, for him to tell it was okay and we'd get through this. For him to pull me back to earth. Without him, I was like a ship lost at sea, forever drifting in the rough waves of the ocean. I finally let my eyes close and pictured his light brown golden eyes.
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Thoughts?
And for those of you convinced Sky has Schizophrenia, she does have some traits such as voices, but she lacks everything else and therefore not Schizophrenic. If anything she just has an over active imagination and maybe a bit of ADD :)
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