FLASHBACK - If it doesn't seem very detailed, it's because it's supposed to be like Rachel is going through her memories in fragments. Some aren't as important as others, some she can't remember all of. Some are short and just brought back to give you a better idea of what's going on. So keep that in mind when you read. Her past is supposed to be vague.
I stole out of the guy's room I was in - Daniel, I think his name was - barely clothed and trying to make it to my own room, which unfortunately was on the other end of the hall. I sighed in relief when I made it without a guard catching me, though it's happened before and I've been able to "talk" my way out of trouble every time.
But there was someone else waiting for me when I got into our room that I held absolutely no control over.
Emily.
It's funny; this innocent, childlike girl that I'd met just over three months ago now treated me like the child.
"Rach, that's like the fourth time this week, and it's only Thursday." She didn't sound angry this time, only worried. The first few times I'd spent my night out sleeping with different guys, she didn't say anything. Then, after that, she started to get angry. Angry that I was throwing myself out there like that. One night, she got so impossibly angry for Emily and called me a whore, but she regretted it and immediately took it back. But now, after I'd done it almost every night this week and last, I could tell she was starting to see that something was wrong.
"I'm fine, Emily," I said, brushing her off and laying back on the bed, exhausted.
"Liar," she called me out, dragging me off the bed and onto the floor. "Tell me what's wrong. I've got a pretty good guess, though."
"Fine, okay. I just...I can't stop thinking about Alex."
His name brought butterflies to my stomach and it annoyed the shit out of me. I loved the way he only let me give him a nickname, when not even his own brother did. I loved the way he smiled at me, tried to joke around with me. I loved the way he blushed when I'd laugh or respond to something he said. And it was like someone lit me on fire when our skin accidentally brushed against each other's. I don't know why I loved him, I just did.
Holy shit. I love him.
"What?" came Emily's voice, breaking me out of my thoughts. I took me a moment to realize I said all of that out loud. She was smiling at me, a weird, creepy smile that she couldn't seem to stop. She started squealing and jumping up and down, repeating that she knew it over and over again. And then all of a sudden she hushed and started glaring at me.
"So your response to finding out you're in love with Alexander is by sleeping with every other guy in this program?"
I buried my face in my hands and nodded. "But it's not just because of that. I knew that I liked him, so I freaked out, because I just kept thinking that he wouldn't want me, so I-"
Emily shrieked in horror and anger and...jealousy?. "You slept with Mason, didn't you?"
I felt tears prick my eyes as I nodded. When I realized that my feelings for Alex went a little deeper than friendship, I went to Mason that night. My heart meant to talk to him about how I felt about Alex, but my mind wasn't having it. My mind didn't want to admit that I could be attached to someone like that, so she wanted to ruin that attachment, yet it still hasn't worked.
"You have to tell Alex how you feel." Her tone was finalized, demanding. I shook my head quickly. I couldn't. Rejection was what I feared more than anything, and I knew that's what would come of me confessing to Alex that I was in love with him.
"I'm giving you one week. If you don't do it on your own, I'll make you do it." Emily bent down so she was face to face with me. "And that means no more sleeping with other guys. Trust me, Rachel Prescott, you may not think I'm very tough, but when I'm determined, you'll regret ever telling me no."
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"Hey, Rachel," Alex said, falling into step beside me. Emily gave me a pointed look. My week was almost up and I had done nothing to even hint at my feelings towards him.
I blushed and gave him hi back, suddenly finding interest in my brightly colored workout pants. He gave a small sigh and looked over at Emily, though I don't know why.
"Hey, Rach," I smiled when he used the nickname with me, because usually he was so against them, "can I talk to you after training? Maybe sit together? Alone?"
Everything he said was a question; he sounded so unsure of himself. I gave a small laugh and nodded, my heart pounding.
"That sounds great. I would happily ditch those annoying idiots."
I felt someone pounce on my back. "As one of those annoying idiots, I am very offended!"
I turned around to face Mason, none of us able to control our giggles. We only laughed harder when Emily snorted, and after a minute or two I felt a touch at my arm. I turned to look at Alex, a smile on his face and dimples in his cheeks, motioning for me to follow him. We took off ahead of the other two, and I bumped my shoulder into his.
"He likes her," Alex said to me suddenly, bumping his shoulder back into mine. "I don't know how much, but he feels something."
I nodded, feeling incredibly guilty. I knew there was something off about Emily when she found out I slept with him. I never thought that she might like any of these guys.
"I think...I think that she may like him too. I'm not sure, though."
Alex turned to me suddenly. "Do you like anyone, Rachel?" He then blushed and stepped away from me. "I'm so sorry, that was completely and utterly out of my boundaries. I apologize."
"It's fine, Alex, it's totally fine." I couldn't stop thinking about the way his eyes lit up when I called him that...
I slid into my seat in front of Alex, smiling at him. He returned it, then looked down at his plate and took another bite of his food.
"So, what did you want to tell me?" I asked, twirling a fettuccine noodle around my fork. He stammered and blushed, looking everywhere in the room but me.
"Actually, nothing." I could see right through his lie. "I thought maybe we could take a break from the chaos over there." He nodded towards the table where we usually sat with his brother, Emily, and some other people. I looked over my shoulder to see they were all staring at us. Scratch that, everyone in the goddamn cafeteria was staring at us.
I felt slightly disappointed, but tried not to let it show on my face. "Yeah, I guess it is nice to get a break."
Lunch continued in an awkward silence. I tried to work up the nerve to tell him, several times, but each time I backed down. My subconscious talked me out of it every time. What if he didn't feel the same way? What if he laughed in my face for me thinking I could even be with someone like him? No, Alex wasn't like that. If anything, he'd turn me down as gently as he could.
That would be worse.
I sighed and continued eating, unable to think of any conversation starters.
Subconscious - 1. Heart - 0.
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"You look awfully..." Emily started, taking in my skinny jeans and flowy shirt.
"Prudish?" I suggested scornfully.
"I was going to say conservative. It's very un-Rachel-like."
There was a party tonight. It had been two weeks since my awkward lunch with Alex, and the time in between had been filled with even more awkward and uncomfortable encounters. My heart was all but begging for me to say something, but my subconscious was in control. She thought she was trying to protect me, but all she was doing was breaking me apart instead.
I was having trouble making rational decisions. But tonight, all I could think about was how civilized I wanted to appear. How mature. How ladylike.
I didn't want to look like the slut I was.
I slid on flats, something I'd usually never do. I sighed and left my phone on my nightstand to charge. I wouldn't need it.
Emily looped her arm in mine and led me out the door. She murmured comforting words to me. I was so glad she didn't push me to tell Alex how I felt, only held onto me when I cried about being so indecisive, about how he probably thought that I was the most whorish person he ever met.
Eventually we were walking in the doorway, all eyes on us like usual. Except most gazes were confused when they looked at me. I gave a small smile and a look with my eyes that told everyone not to question me or what I was doing or they weren't going to be able to have children when they got older.
I scanned the room for Alex and met his gaze with a smile. He looked at me like I was a new person, but in a good way. I couldn't stop myself from giggling and felt Emily shove me forward. I turned around called her a simple five letter word and started towards him.
"Hey," I said shyly. Since when was I so unsure of myself?
"Hello, Rachel."
Ouch. Back to my full first name.
"How are you?"
"Good. And you?"
"I'm...good, I guess."
"You guess?"
I sighed, frustrated, and ran a hand through my hair. Could he not see? I was so confused and angry at myself. A complete hurricane of emotions. I was so fed up with pretending I didn't feel anything and so tired of trying to hide it from him and everyone else.
"Can we just...I don't know...can we just cut the shit?" I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air.
Alex looked truly taken aback. His brow furrowed in confusion, then he asked politely if I'd rather we talk about this outside. I realized then that we had drawn some attention.
In the dimly lit hall, I suddenly wanted to take it back. I didn't know why, but with us alone I lost all of my courage.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
"I don't know why you don't see it, Alex. I've never been good at hiding my emotions, you know that. Good lord, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore." I was blabbing.
He looked at me curiously, a smile taking over his face as he realized what was happening. "And what are you saying, Rach?"
It wasn't like Alex to tease; he was never anything short of proper. That being said, I was too stunned to filter my words.
"That I like you. My heart flutters when you call me Rach and when you look at me, it makes me feel special and I don't know why but it just does. I should hate the way you're always such a gentleman but I don't because I actually find it kind of hot and I love the small things you say to me like when you ask me how my day was and I know it's simple but it makes me feel like I matter. You know what? To hell with I like you. I love you."
I was gasping for air, my face on fire and my heart pounding out of my chest. Each second he didn't respond sent another piece of it shattering, and all I was waiting for was for him to start laughing.
Instead he smiled and took my hands in his. Finally he spoke.
"You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that." I breathed a sigh of relief. "You know me, Rach. You know how I am, how I think. You know I would never confess something when I had any doubt that you would return my feelings. I'd never force something like that on you - or anyone else. So trust me when I tell you that these words mean everything to me, and that you do as well."
I was in a puddle on the floor. I'd never felt anything like this - this euphoria, this feeling of complete and utter happiness.
"Alexander Hamilton Blackburn," I said, my voice shaking as I looked up at him, "please don't tell me that you're saying all this and you don't plan on kissing me. I...I don't think I could take it."
I already knew what his answer would be. He looked slightly disappointed in me, because he knew how I was, and I knew some part of him was just wondering if I just wanted him for sex instead of love.
But I didn't. I wanted a life with him. I wanted inside jokes and imperfect dates and cuddling on the couch watching movies together. It scared me, but I sure as hell wasn't going to back down now.
"Rach, you know that's not how I am. It's against my morals-"
"I give you consent," I pleaded with him. "I give you full consent to kiss me because I love you and I want this so bad and it scares the shit out of me but I'm tired of ignoring it. So please, kiss me."
I could see his resolve breaking down as he took in the look on my face. Slowly, tentatively, his hands moved from mine to grip my waist, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. His eyes gazed into mine, and I'd never realized how beautiful the color blue could be. It was officially my new favorite color. I tangled my hands in his hair and marveled at how soft it was, smiling. His head bent down gently and
his
lips
touched
mine.
And I was on fire. A slow, steady, excruciatingly magnificent flame was lit between us and I decided I never wanted to leave this. I'd kissed other guys at this camp - almost every single one of them - but none of them gave me the feeling that my Alex did.
My Alex.
He was mine, and I was his.
His lips moved against mine gently, tenderly, as if I might break. He let out a soft sigh into my mouth, and it was one of the most beautiful sounds I'd ever heard. I smiled against his lips and pulled him slightly closer to me, not wanting to push it. I gave a small moan and he pulled back, his face red. I pushed on the back of his head until his forehead was resting on mine, my heart racing, my skin tingling. I couldn't think of anything I'd rather be doing. Except kissing him some more.
When I tried to do that, he apologetically pulled away. "Give me time. I'm not used to this. Though," he said, taking in my look of disappointment, "it was absolutely spectacular. Don't think I didn't like it."
"I'd never thought," I murmured, clearing my throat, "that one kiss could make a person feel like that. Like someone had taken all the good feelings in the world and put them in my heart."
Forgetting all morals, like Alex always did when he was with me, he put a hand on one cheek and his lips on the other, placing a feather of a kiss there. "You'd never felt that before? Not even...with any of them?"
I knew it pained him to think of all the other guys I'd been with physically, but I assured him they were nothing compared to him. "Never. It's the best thing I've ever felt."
He looked deep in thought, a small smile on his face. "Would you like to go out? On a proper date? I'm not sure how proper we can get here, other than taking dinner to one of our rooms and eating there, but it's a start."
"I would love to, so long as I'm with you. Tomorrow night?"
"Sounds perfect. Maybe," he leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, "we can even do more of that kissing thing?"
He pulled back with a laugh and I immediately laced my fingers through his. "So does that make it official?"
"Hello, my lovely girlfriend," he said in response.
"And hello to you too, my handsome boyfriend."