My eyes opened slightly, my body still feeling heavy. I rubbed my eyes and hit the snooze button on the five a.m. alarm. When I opened my eyes again, I saw that it was six fifteen. My eyes shot wide open.
Shit!
Dammit all!
Why am I like this?!
I leaped out of bed as if it had been set on fire. I WASTED SO MUCH TIME, I mentally screamed. I grabbed my notebook and scribbled down answers to my history worksheet, putting it away to work on the late work for English and the math homework. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shiiiit! My mind was racing as quickly as my heartbeat. I looked at the math equations as if it were a foreign language, which I also sucked at and I did not know why I let Alexandra talk me into a third year of Spanish. I looked at the clock again and saw that it was seven o'clock, and my mom walked in to wake me up. She gave me a toaster strudel for breakfast while I sat at my desk and worked away.
"Get dressed," she said, leaving the room to prepare Austin for school.
I glanced at the clock again. Time was my enemy. I packed everything up so quickly and threw on a pair of leggings with an old vampire t-shirt. My heart could not deal with anymore stress for the rest of the day, but I would force it to at school.
"You're wearing such mismatched clothes, Michaela," my mom complained.
"I can't be bothered to color coordinate, Mom," I viciously snapped.
"You watch your tone with me, young lady." She raised her voice, warning me to watch my boundaries. "Just because you can't manage your work well doesn't mean you need to take it out on me."
"Watch your tone, Michaela," Austin mimicked. I threw him a glare, biting my tongue so that I did not invoke the wrath of my mother.
She stopped in front of the school, and I grabbed my backpack and jumped out of the car. I ran somewhere to sit down and finish up my work before first period. I was scared of doing my work in front of Ms. Ashburn because of the intimidating tone in her voice when she asked me why I did not do my work at home. The bell rang, and I quickly shoved my books into my locker.
"Dammit!" I shouted, running to my first period.
I made it just a few minutes before the bell rang to start first period. Elizabeth took in my thrown together outfit and my slightly messy hair.
"You look like you've been to hell and back!" She commented "What happened?"
"Time hates me," I answered.
"You seem so wired." She said, then lowering her voice to a whisper. "I'm so glad you decided to skip class later today. It'll be fun."
I breathed in and out slowly, trying to slow down my thundering heartbeat. After the bell rang and everyone was seated, Ms. Ashburn stood up.
"Pass in your papers," she ordered.
I opened up my binder, looking for my worksheet. I grew more and more anxious as I could not find it. She walked around, collecting the papers at the front rows. She looked through them to find missing names.
"Where's your paper, Elliott?"
It was at that point I realized that I left it at home. It was still on my computer desk.
"I-I did it," I nervously stuttered. "I-It's at home..."
"Why is it at home?" Ms. Ashburn raised her eyebrow, thinking I was lying.
"B-Because... Um..." I said, feeling tortured by her intense glare. "I-I'm sorry..."
"Maybe you were so busy doodling that you forgot your paper." She said, shaming me for having drawn in her class throughout this year. "And to think you're Alexandra's younger sister."
"Hey, screw off," Elizabeth snapped.
"Excuse me?" Ms. Ashburn took her focus off of me. "Must I write you another referral, Jacobson? That sort of language is not welcome in a school."
"What, you're going to try to restrict my freedom of speech?" Elizabeth argued.
"E-Elizabeth, you don't need to--" I tried to interrupt, but she spoke up yet again.
"Don't tell me you haven't left an assignment at home on accident," Elizabeth said, "because I absolutely refuse to believe that."
"This isn't about me," Ms. Ashburn said, "it's about her, and you have no place--"
"It's sad when the teacher bullies the quiet kid because the quiet kid won't say shit," Elizabeth said.
They went back and forth until Ms. Ashburn finally sent her outside. If anyone knew how to get under her skin, Elizabeth was the one. She could very well be the reason Ms. Ashburn was considering an early retirement.
* * *
At lunch, I realized that my sketchbook was missing and gasped. Elizabeth looked at me.
"What's up?" She asked. "Inquiring minds want to know."
"My sketchbook," I said, my eyes widened in horror.
"Do you think you left it at home? You left your history homework, so it's a possibility." Elizabeth placed her hand on my shoulder to comfort me.
"No, I never leave without my sketchbook." I said, panicking. "I think it fell out of my backpack, Elizabeth."
"Calm down," she said, "we'll retrace your steps."
She walked with me back to my locker. I looked inside of it only to find the textbooks I put inside of it.
"Elizabeth, what if someone sees it?" I asked, anxiety at sky high levels.
"What the hell do you think they're gonna say?" Elizabeth said. "You're a great artist. They'll probably see your name on it or something and put it in the lost and found. No big deal. I know you will find it, Michaela."
"I hope I do." My heartbeat was quickening rapidly. I felt that if it continued, my heart would explode out of my chest and I would die. At this point, I wished for it to.
"Chill out, Michaela," Elizabeth said. "If they see your artwork, it's not a big deal."
It was not the quality of my art I was self conscious about; it was what I drew. I had noted some of Derek's qualities as well as some romantic dialogue in the pictures and the fact that he was my ideal boyfriend. I also would draw Ben with me. If it wasn't obvious that I liked Ben before, it would be to whoever looked through my book.
We saw a crowd of people looking at something.
"Is there a fight?" Elizabeth asked.
We looked into what was going on. As we investigated, I wished desperately that it was. But what we found was so much worse...
Isis had my sketchbook.
"Oh my God," she scoffed, "Michaela's even more awkward than we thought! Look, she made up a dream boyfriend."
Everyone's eyes turned toward me, judging me. My worst nightmare had come true.
"And she drew Ben!" Brenda noted. "Michaela, don't cheat on your fictional boyfriend! He's the only one who would ever love you!"
Ben was in the crowd. He looked at me with a confused look on his face, probably seeing the pictures where I kissed him or Derek. His stare burned into me like a cattle prod. I bet he thought I was weird.
"What were you thinking?" Jeana asked me. "That Ben would actually be into you?"
She was right. How could someone like Ben possibly love the likes of me?
"Give her back her damn book." Elizabeth glared.
"What, are you her mom or something?" Miguel asked. He was Brenda's boyfriend and one of Ben's friends.
"Shut the fuck up," Elizabeth shot back.
"I'll give it back," Isis said, "if one of you gives me ten bucks."
"Go back to hell," Elizabeth stepped forward and snatched it out of her hand, "and take your fellow she-devils with you."
She gave it back to me, everyone still fixing their eyes on me. Michaela Elliott, the quiet, shy girl who fantasized so much about having a boyfriend that she made one up. I knew that that was going through their minds.
"What are you dipshits looking at?" Elizabeth said. "Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer."
"Oh, we did," Isis said, "and we put them on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for everyone to see."
I gasped. My life was officially beyond repair.
"You better take it down," Karina stepped in.
"What are you gonna do about it?" Brenda asked. "It's been done."
"Cyber bullying is still bullying and can be reported." Warren said. "Stop picking on her or there will be consequences."
"Who's gonna snitch? Because snitches get stitches," Miguel threatened, despite Warren standing a few inches taller than him.
Elizabeth led us away from the crowd, insisting that we ignore them all.
"Just ignore them," she seemed to be saying more to herself, "just ignore them, just ignore them."
Karina explained the situation to the group. They looked at me for the strange creature I truly was.
"You made up a boyfriend?" Freddy asked.
"Don't make her feel bad!" Elizabeth said. "She's feels weird enough as it is. Look, Michaela just needs guidance. She's just a little socially awkward, that's all."
"Nothing will ever be the same..." I said. "Ben is probably disgusted by me..."
"So you want to kiss him," Elizabeth said. "There were girls wanting to do grosser stuff with him."
"That's not helping," I said. "Some of them probably did those things because they're desirable."
"You're desirable!" Karina insisted, trying to make me feel better.
I was so traumatized. To be embarrassed by an awful group of girls was any high school student's fear. I doubted even Alexandra would even know what to do, because she was not so weird. She was a normal girl, and at this point I wished I was more like Alexandra.
The bell rang. I hardly even touched my lunch, but we were still on for ditching class. Elizabeth and I both walked to class together as she assured me that this would make it all better.
"You just have to be smart and not get caught," she explained, "but I know you're a smart girl, so you won't."
I sighed as we entered the classroom. Mr. Dinh walked around stamping finished homework. He took a look at mine.
"What's this?" He asked. "You haven't finished."
"What? Oh!" I realized I left a few problems blank. "I wanted to ask you for help on those..."
"I'll go over it," he said, leaving me and stamping other people's homework.
He stood at the front of the classroom, asking for problems to solve in case anyone needed to see how it was done.
"Twenty-five!"
"Six."
"Ten."
He noted them down. "Any more?"
"Sixteen, seventeen, and nineteen," I said, naming the ones I had trouble with.
Elizabeth raised her hand. "May I use the restroom?"
"Yes," he said.
Elizabeth left to go to the "restroom". In a few minutes, I would follow suit. I waited for him to solve the problems and explain how to do them, which he did. The way he explained it made things so much clearer. I noted down what I needed to to solve the problems, finishing the math homework.
"Pass in your homework," he said, walking by each row to collect the papers. Somebody took Elizabeth's and passed it forward for her.
I checked my pocket, seeing that I had the cash I meant to bring for whatever Elizabeth was planning. It was safely tucked away, and I sighed before raising my hand.
"May I use the restroom?" I asked.
"Yes," Mr. Dinh said.
I left the classroom in disbelief. He was so trusting. I couldn't believe how easily he allowed students like myself and Elizabeth to go to the restroom.
I saw her meeting up with the group. She looked at me, proudly smiling.
"You finally did it!" Elizabeth said, startling me with the volume of her voice. She and everyone else applauded me.
Warren gave me a warm smile. If his parents found out, he would be dead in a heartbeat.
Freddy, Angela, Gwen, José, Horatio, Vy, Karina, Warren, Elizabeth, and me. All of the delinquents ditching fifth period. Elizabeth, of course, was our ringleader. She had an escape plan, which was to sneak by the staff who were wandering around the campus and making sure students like us were not trying to cut class. My anxiety levels were rising each moment I was not in class.
"Guys, I don't know about this," I said. "I don't think I should..."
"No wussing out," José said. "Come on, you can do it."
"I really don't wanna do this," I said, tears forming in my eyes.
"Oh God, she's crying," Freddy said in a concerned tone. "What do we do?"
"Michaela, stop," Elizabeth said. "It's not a big deal. We're going to turn this day around, alright?"
"It's not alright!" I shouted. "This is not what I want to do, Elizabeth!"
"Look," she said, her tone losing all compassion. "It's not always about what you want to do, Michaela."
"It's never about what I want to do!" I broke down into violent sobs. "Don't you get it?!"
My chest was heaving and it felt so tight I could not breathe. It hurt to take deep breaths, so I only took shallow ones. My mind was filled with disappointed reactions from my family and the thought of everyone, including but not limited to Ben, thought I was insane and how much of a failure or a lost cause I was. I wanted desperately to die, more than ever before.
"Hey, she doesn't have to go with us." Warren said, trying to get Elizabeth off my back. "You guys just go. I'll go back with her."
They gave me one final look before agreeing to Warren's idea. Elizabeth was the first to leave, everyone else following behind her. Warren placed his arm around me.
"Hey," he said, "do you want to go home?"
"No," I sniffled, my voice breaking up my sentence by forcing me to take gulps of air. "I -- want -- to -- go -- back -- to -- class."
"Are you sure?" Warren asked. "Breathe in," he took a deep breath, "and out." He exhaled.
I tried to breathe as he instructed me to, but to no avail. A staff member found us.
"What's going on?" She asked, her walkie-talkie sticking out of her pocket.
"I was going to the bathroom," Warren lied. "And I found her. I was going to take her to the office."
"I'll take her," she said, her voice becoming gentle, "you go back to class."
"Yes ma'am," he said, leaving me with the staff member.
"Is everything okay, sweetie?" She asked.
"I -- want -- to -- go -- back -- to -- class." I said.
"You can go back when you calm down," she assured me. "Who's your teacher?"
"Mis -- ter -- Dinh," I answered, catching shallow breaths between each syllable.
"Mr. Dinh?" She asked, making sure she heard me correctly. "And what's your name?"
"M-Mi -- chae -- la," I said.
"Last name?" She asked.
"El -- li -- ott," I said.
She picked up her walkie-talkie. "This is Patty, I'm coming in with a student who is having a panic attack."
She led me to the health office, where I sat down and tried to catch my breath. The school nurse looked at me.
"Are you alright?" She asked. "Do you need to talk about something?"
I shook my head. I did not want to tell her about my day or my existential crises that I was experiencing.
"Do you want to go home or back to class?" She questioned.
At this point, I made up my mind. I was not safe at school anymore, and my art class classmates probably heard about the whole sketchbook incident.
"I -- want -- to -- go -- home," I said.
"Okay," she nodded. "Do you want me to call your parents?"
I nodded. Because Patty told her who I was, she simply looked up my information on the computer and dialed my mom's phone number.
"Would you like someone to grab your things for you?" The nurse asked.
I nodded, and she sent an office aid to retrieve my belongings for me. She began explaining things to my mom.
"Hello, Mrs. Elliott?" She said. "This is Joann Rivas, I'm the school nurse at Lincoln High School calling about your daughter Michaela... She is having a panic attack... She would like to go home... She is in the office right now."
I heard my mother's voice but could not make out what she was saying. I managed to stop violently sobbing, but I still couldn't breathe. I knew that it would be a bad day from the moment I got up. I should have never left the house, I thought.
"Okay, thank you. She will be right here... Good bye." The nurse hung up.
The office aid brought in my bag, packed up. Everything was in place.
"Mr. Dinh said he hopes you feel better," he said.
"Thank you," I said.
The office aid left, and I tried to calm down before my mom arrived. Something unsettled me about her coming to get me, even if I got to be in the comfort of my own home.
Several minutes later, she was there. She had signed me out, coming to the back to see me. My face was tear-stained, my eyes were red and puffy.
"Let's go," she sighed.
I followed her out of the office and out of the prison. I felt myself breathing a little easier as I walked away from the school.
I hopped in the car, buckling up. As she drove us home, she was silent.