"Heaven's full,
And Hell won't have me.
Won't you make
some room in your bed?"
†††
Negan grabbed my throat, lifting me up and off the ground. I hold his wrist with one hand, reaching for his face with the other. If I could just go for his beautiful eyes, maybe he'd let me go and I could find the will to live again. He squeezed harder the more I struggled. I could see black around the edges of my vision, my esophagus tightened, the bones in my neck were at their breaking point.
"She isn't fucking worth it." I hear my sister. Negan let up, I see Kylie with her arms around Negan when the black cleared away, "just leave her here to fucking die." He looked down at her, setting me down. I choke, taking in as much air as I could when my blood filled lungs opened up. Negan shoved me to the ground, breaking my sister's arm that was around him.
"Fucking stupid bitch. Didn't you learn the first fucking time?" He asked her, she fell back, cowering below him with her arm up in defense like he was constantly beating her, "I told you to leave me the fuck alone."
"But, baby..." She tried, but he just shook his head. Did he finally open his eyes and saw the bitch I knew that claimed to be my sister?
"Get back in the fucking truck, you dumb bitch." Negan pointed to the truck, watching her scurry out of his sight. He returned his attention to me as his men got out to take care of the dead shambling in closer.
"What a surprise." I swallow down the blood that kept coming back up in my mouth. I could feel my stomach churning the more I held it down, "tired of...your fucking bitch already?" My breathing got labored. I didn't know if I could stay awake or not throw up at this point. One of those things was more important than the other, but my brain couldn't tell the difference anymore. Negan helped me up, nicer this time but he probably soon regret it when I barfed all over the front of his jacket. He didn't say anything or do anything hurtful, he just swept me off my feet and barked at Daryl to get into the truck.
"Drive it like you fucking stole it." Negan told Arat as we settle down into seats, "and if she dies before we get there, you're fucking beyond done."
♕♕♕
I woke up to white walls. The pain had been numbed, but there was a pulling on my side that brought me back quickly to reality. I gasped, "whoa, slow down." A man pushed me gently back down into the bed, "you need to stay still or I'm going to rip open your stitches again. Whoever stitched you up the first time, did a good job."
"What? Who are you? Where am I?" I laid back down, letting him finish up, "I'm the one who stitched myself up. Have been since I could remember." I groaned, holding my head as the bright lights scorched my retinas.
"My name is Carlos. You're safe now, Negan brought you in." Carlos smiled at me, pulling down the face mask he wore over his mouth and nose. He watched me with beautiful honey eyes. I swallow hard, looking down and away.
"Watch yourself. Negan already staked his claim. I don't know how long you've been here, but I used to be his girlfriend." I inhale sharply, watching him leave to clean up.
"Well, I've seen your face before, but you're not covered in tattoos," Carlos says, "you're a lot nicer as well." that last bit nearly made me laugh. He had a lot to learn about me, and if he knew what I was really like, he wouldn't want to know me. I don't even want to know me.
"Yeah, that's Kylie. She's my twin. She's number three out of three." He came back over with cotton balls and some liquid. He dabbed it onto the sutures, making me hiss in pain, "I have tattoos, but not where you can see them. I thought I was dead." I held onto the mattress with tight fingers.
"You were." He placed a big piece of gauze on my side, taping it to my skin, "but with a boss like Negan, you work magic to bring the dead back to life when he demands it." Carlos chuckled nervously, "I had to open you up and stitch up some things that were complicating more things.. You had blood in your lungs."
"Wow, thanks for making it dumb enough for me to understand." I say sarcastically and roll my eyes, "well, thank you for saving me. I can see why Negan has you here."
"I was a top surgeon back in the day. You know, when people actually paid me to do my job. Dr. Thompson and I were the best at what we did. It's a shame we couldn't find her. Didn't think she would go and get herself killed. She was pretty reckless with her life so I shouldn't be too shocked." He shook his head, cleaning up the rest of his supplies, "I'm going to give you an I.V drip for an hour. You need liquids. After I set you up, Negan wants to see you."
I lick my dry lips, what would he even have to say to me?
"I also had to patch him up recently because you stabbed him," Carlos tells me as he sets up the I.V line, "you've lost a lot of blood and he found someone to donate to you."
"How did I stab him? I was half dead or already dead!" I was confused.
"You lost a lot of blood, the pain was going to your head, and you got a hold of his knife and stabbed him in the leg." Carlos glanced at me, he returned to cleaning up after just a glimpse.
"Well, good. He fucking deserved it." I muttered, crossing my arms under my breast, "I hope it hurt."
"I was surprised to see him bring you in here after doing that to him. You must be really important." He cleared his throat, "I've had to deal with a lot of people here, but not anyone who's done him wrong or stabbed him."
"Right." I scoffed, "fucking doesn't feel like it. He's abusive as fuck." I look away from Carlos. He didn't need my crap baggage. He probably knew Negan well enough by now since he was living here, "I just wish he would show that he cares sometimes. But I guess I brought this down on myself because I was such a pill for him when I was here."
Carlos didn't say anything. Which meant that he either didn't want to get into it, which was smart. Or he just didn't know what to say to me, which was also smart because I wouldn't know what to say to me either.
"I'm Renegade." I tell him, "and you shouldn't keep Negan waiting." Carlos nodded, excusing himself from the room. I lay back, relaxing against the clean sheets. I wasn't the best person to put on clean sheets right now. Not after bleeding my life out everywhere and being blown up.
"It's good to see you're alive. To see the color of your eyes again," Negan came in, I sit up a bit, "please, don't stress yourself."
"Why the fucking sudden change of heart?" I looked at the bloody hole in his grey jeans, along with the blood I had gotten all over his whit shirt. He wasn't wearing his jacket, "apparently I stabbed you." He laughed, standing at my bedside.
"You did, and you threw up all over me. But I..." He looked down at the floor, "I just couldn't lose you again." Negan had genuine sadness in his voice. I just didn't know what to think about it anymore. I already knew where I would be at the end of this conversation.
"Are you apologizing to me again? Twice since I've known you. Should I feel lucky?" I watched him.
"Look, I've been a fool. I just don't know how to be the person you want me to be." Negan tells me, "I messed up, I fucking messed up big time with Lucille, and I just can't go through that again with you. You were dead, you came back to me. That was my sign."
"Then fucking don't go through it again." I tell him, sitting up, "you're the one who's doing this to yourself. I know I'm not any fucking better to you than you are to me. But I do love you. It's fucked up because this is nothing but a toxic relationship. But I fell for you anyways, and I still come back after all that you fucking do to me." I wipe away the tears that started up in my tired eyes, "I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. If you're not going to fucking change for me, then you should have just left me out there to fucking die."
"Renegade, I could never have left you to die. What I did to you, it was a mistake. I regret leaving you out there like that." Negan took my hand in his, "it was fucking stupid, and I was scared because Kylie got in my head about you. She turned me against you, and I shouldn't have let her. It's just that you had already done so many things to upset me that it just made sense at the time." I take my hand from him, he didn't let go easily so I had to pull it away with force. I looked away from his pleading eyes.
"I don't think you deserve me. And I've learned my fucking lesson. I don't want this fucked up life anymore. I was a fucking fool for you, and you were just cruel to me when you weren't using me for attention. That's all it ever was." I look at him with forced anger in my eyes. I wanted to take his apology and let him love me. I wanted that love he was radiating through the sadness. I wanted it all, but my better judgment didn't let me plummet into that hole once more, "I was just a trophy wife to you. Something you could fucking parade around in front of everyone to make them jealous. It was stupid of me to fuel that fire."
Negan and I shared a look before I spoke again, "I know you're king of this world now, but that doesn't mean that you should treat me like I wronged you all the time. I thought you loved me. That's all I heard from you, is that you fucking love me. So if you do, why don't you fucking show me that you do? Are you afraid?"
He looked down at his empty hands. This was the first time I had actually shut him down to the point where he didn't respond back to me. He had that look on his face that told me he might have gone through the same thing with Lucille. Or maybe with someone else. Maybe the pain was his excuse and I was there to take the hits.
"I've been here before." Negan finally spoke, "I've stared at a girl with the same anger in her heart for me, as you do right now. I loved her. She was the first girl I loved since Lucille. And I fucked that up with her too." he found a chair to sit in next to me like he was about to tell me about an ex-girlfriend.
"If this is to make me jealous, I don't want to hear it," I tell him. He didn't seem to be wanting that out of this moment. I pressed my lips together. Maybe I shouldn't have let my anger speak for me just then.
"It's funny, you remind me so much of her. Except, she took a whole lot less to piss off." Negan cleared his throat, "I probably should have died the first year we were together, but here I am. Finally getting over the loss of her to love you instead"
I didn't know if I should feel honored, or angry. I didn't know how long ago he lost her. I've only been here for nearly a whole year. He could have lost her days or months before he met me. So how was I supposed to feel? What if she came back to him? What would I do then?
"If you're worried she'll come back to me," Negan looked at me, "she won't. She left me when I left her behind after our car crashed on the way out of town. I was afraid of losing her out here, so I left her body behind. She nearly killed me the last time I saw her. She would come back for Daryl more than anything now."
"Who is she?" I asked him, he seemed attached to her at one point in time. Was he looking for her in me? "are you looking for her in me?"
"I don't need to look for her in anyone." Negan retorted, he was angry that I would even say that to him, "I don't love her anymore, Renegade. The point is that I love you. And I won't lose you like I lost her and Lucille."
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