The tears had taken what strength Draco had woken up with and he had fallen into a light doze in Harry's arms, but it was not a deep sleep and he did not remain that way for long. Harry knew the moment his soulmate opened his eyes again; he had felt Draco's slow rise back to consciousness. Neither of them chose to speak and Harry held his lover tenderly, offering the simple comfort of being together. Lucius Malfoy and the other Death Eaters had seen fit to try and rip them apart and now they lay together, reaffirming that the dark had not succeeded.
"He should have just killed me," Draco said eventually in an analytical tone which belied the tremor that ran through his body, "it would have been the sensible thing to do. The shock would probably have killed you outright as well."
The topic of conversation was not as surprising to Harry as it may have seemed to anyone listening. Draco's mind was Slytherin trained and Harry had expected the rationalisation of what had happened as surely as he knew in his heart he would never let anyone take his lover away again.
"That was the point," Harry replied quietly. "Voldemort has never just wanted to kill me; he wants revenge. You were his revenge; your father was his instrument."
"I have no father," Draco replied, his voice cold and steady.
They fell into silence again, Harry rubbing one hand along his lover's back until Draco eventually relaxed against him. The emotions coming from Draco were confused; somewhere between angry and afraid. This had been Lucius' final betrayal, the one from which there was no return.
"Killing me would have ended it," Draco insisted, seemingly unable to see past the logic to the truth.
It was almost as if Draco could not believe that Voldemort's insanity was so complete that the Dark Lord had lost his ability to reason like the Slytherin he was. Revenge was something Draco could understand, but blind action was not.
"When he first realised I was still an opponent," Harry began speaking slowly, "back in my first year, he asked me to join him. Then that would have been his revenge, against Dumbledore and the world of the Light; taking their hero and making him one of his own. Then his sixteen year old self made it personal and killing me would have been his revenge. After that it became more complicated, me dying wouldn't have been enough anymore, I had defeated him twice and for that I had to suffer. That was the only reason he killed Cedric I think, because he knew what it would do to me. His perfect revenge was using me to bring himself back, only then he decided to kill me himself and I stopped him again. I think that was the first time he realised I was a real threat and not just a lucky child."
For a moment his voice failed, but he closed his eyes and swallowed hard, bringing his feelings back under control. This needed to be said, he had to confirm what Draco already knew, but could not bring himself to face.
"He wants to reduce me to nothing, like he was," Harry spoke again after a few long seconds of silence. "To do that he wanted to take you away from me, but leave me just enough of you to keep me alive. Death is far too good for me now and you were to be the method of my insanity."
Draco fingers were almost painful where they gripped Harry's arm and he did not speak for a long while.
"They waited for me to wake up," Draco said eventually, his voice little more than a whisper now, "before they cast the curse. They had me chained to the wall and Lucius actually asked me to return to his side. He almost sounded rational, the logical, scheming man I always thought he was, but there was something in his eyes. I laughed at him. It was so absurd I just laughed."
Draco's voice was tight and Harry moved to stroking his soulmate's hair as Draco tried to explain.
[That was when they tried to separate us,] Draco continued silently, unable to make his vocal chords work. [Three of them stood around me with Lucius directly in front and they cast it at the same time. It was,] Draco had begun to tremble,[it was like they were trying to break my soul in two. I have never ... Harry, I ... they...]
[Show me,] Harry said firmly as words completely failed his shaking soulmate.
Draco shook his head, burying his face in Harry's chest.
[Draco,] Harry said again, completely sure of his need to know exactly what his lover had been through, [Beloved, show me.]
With a sob the wall Draco was trying to hold between his memory and his soulmate came crumbling down and Harry found his mind assaulted by the most terrible feeling he had ever experienced.
It was worse than the separation to which he had woken after Draco's kidnapping, because he could feel the break happening. It was worse than any physical pain could ever have been. It was all Harry could do not to scream as he felt it all and heard his soulmate's remembered cry of agony. This was wrong, it was so wrong, and, as his mind reeled, Harry knew one thing; if it took him the rest of his life he would find a way to make sure this could never, ever happen again.
* * *
Many of the events after the curse had been cast on Draco were hazy and confused for both of them. They had talked for a while, which had occasionally jogged their memories, but nothing particularly detailed. Then Harry had fulfilled his promise to alert Madam Pomfrey that they were both awake. The school healer had given them both a thorough once over and instructed them to get as much rest as they could before leaving them alone once more.
Neither of them were recovered from the injuries they had received, even though they couldn't exactly remember what they were, so they spent much of the remainder of the first day following Madam Pomfrey's orders. A bath was about as strenuous as they managed and, since it had been the middle of the afternoon when the healer had entered the room in the first place, the woman would not allow any visitors until the next day. With little energy the couple chose to retire early and the pair fell asleep before the rest of the school would even have finished dinner.
Harry had no idea how long he had been asleep when he was thrown to wakefulness by a dream. The images in his mind's eye did not fade and although they were distorted and confused, he knew without a doubt that they were bits of memory. Harry sat up in bed, breathing hard, trying to bring his racing heart under control. He did not want to believe that what he was remembering was true, but the recollections were too exact to be anything but memories.
Beside him Draco stirred, sitting up slowly and resting one hand on Harry's shoulder.
"What is it, Love?" his soulmate asked in a sleepy, but never the less, concerned voice. "Nightmare?"
Harry looked at Draco in slowly dawning horror as the images in his mind became clearer. This was all they needed and yet he feared it was true.
"I think," Harry said tentatively, "I think I killed Lucius."
His mind's eye was full off the writhing, evil curse, held in check by his innate power and then its path as it flew back at its originator. In the low night light level Draco's features glowed eerily and even if Harry had not been able to feel the shock his statement caused flowing through his lover, he could see it in Draco's features.
"He used the Killing curse," Harry said in a rush, needing to explain, somehow to excuse his actions, "I caught it. I didn't really know what I was doing and I sent it back."
It was one thing to disown a father, it was another to find out your lover had killed him, and Harry could not look Draco in the eye. He vaguely remembered communing with the curse before sending it back at Lucius, it was possible he had changed it, but he didn't know and he panicked. Harry had to find out, he had to be sure if he was a murderer and he scrambled out of bed like a man possessed.
"Harry," Draco's voice followed him, but Harry was too wrapped up in his own need to pay too much attention, "wait."
He ripped the key from its place beside the door and forced it into the lock, tearing the door open as if his life depended on it. He tore into the next room and ran straight into another person, at which point his legs, which were burning with the sudden exercise, decide to give out.
"Harry?" Remus' worried tones broke into Harry's frantic thoughts.
Harry gripped the werewolf's arms as the man sank with him to the floor, looking into his friend's worried eyes.
"Is he dead?" Harry asked desperately and caused only more confusion in Remus.
"What's wrong, Harry?" Lupin asked firmly and evenly. "Is who dead?"
Harry knew he was succumbing to the panic running through him, but the idea that he had killed someone and that person was Draco's father was just too horrible.
"Did I kill Lucius Malfoy?" he asked frantically.
At last understanding dawned in Remus' face and profound sympathy replaced the confusion.
"Oh, Harry," the werewolf said with a catch in his voice that sent despair into Harry.
Harry knew the answer now; there was blood on his hands, the ex-DADA professor's expression could mean nothing else.
"No, Harry," Remus' tone was firm and definite, "you didn't kill that evil bastard."
The venom in the werewolf's voice was almost enough to drag Harry back from the emotional turmoil that was threatening to overwhelm him.
"You put him in St Mungo's," Remus said as Harry looked up into the older man's face from where he was now sitting on the floor, "but you didn't kill him. Ron told us what happened, and whatever the curse was when it hit Malfoy, it was not the same as the one he cast. He's unconscious and under heavy guard, but he is still alive."
The relief drew a chocked sob out of Harry and arms wound around him from behind as Draco moved in close. The moment his soulmate had him Remus withdrew and Harry wrapped himself in his lover's embrace.
[Even if he was dead it wouldn't make any difference,] Draco told him silently. [You defended yourself. Never forget that.]