And His_World Fell Apart...
ﺛُﻢَّ ﻳَﺘُﻮﺏُ ٱﻟﻠَّﻪُ ﻣِﻦۢ ﺑَﻌْﺪِ ﺫَٰﻟِﻚَ ﻋَﻠَﻰٰ ﻣَﻦ ﻳَﺸَﺎٓءُ ۗ ﻭَٱﻟﻠَّﻪُ ﻏَﻔُﻮﺭٌ ﺭَّﺣِﻴﻢ
"Again will Allah, after this, turn (in mercy) to whom He will: for Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most
Merciful."
Sayyidul Istighfaar:
Rasululluah صلى الله عليه وسلم said:
"Whoever recites Sayyidul Istighfaar in the evening and passes away during the night, will enter Jannah, and whoever recites it in the morning and passes away on that day will enter Jannah"
اللهم أنت ربي لا اله إلا أنت خلقتنى و انا عبدك و أنا على عهدك و عدك مااستطعت أعوذ بك من شر ما صنعت ابوء لك بنعمتك علي و ابوء بذنبي فاغفرلي فإنه لا يغفر الذنوب إلا أنت
"
Allahuma Anta Rabi Laa Ilaaha Ilaa Anta Khalaqtani Wa Ana
Rasululluah صلى الله عليه وسلم said:
"Glad tidings for the one who finds much Istighfaar in his book of deeds."
(Ibn Maajah)
*8 years later*
Lamenting And Repenting.
I wish to be taken out from the narrowness of darnkness ,
And driven to light,
Ya Allah make me amongst those who are beloved in your sight.
To be given a second chance ,
And have my past sins forgiven.
My heart yearns to tread the path of righteousness ,
And to follow the path of guidance.
Ya Allah !
I call unto You , and I wish to strive,
I ask You to guide me,
I am plunged in darkness please guide me.
With the Quraan illuminate my path,
Ya Allah I beseech you ,
I beg of you , save me from Your wrath.
I was a prisoner of my whims ,
My heart wandered ,
All my opportunities of repenting I squandered.
My soul was devoid of Your words
Oh Allah ,
But I turn back to You seeking assistance, Oh Allah.
I destroyed the youth of a helpless woman, when the accusation had become evident to save my honour , I did beguile,
I assured myself that my respect and honour, my mother's hapinness is what will make me smile.
How deviated I was, how devious I had become, until I was tested with the fruit of my heart , the coolness of my eyes,
No longer do I wish to be a disastrous failiure in Your eyes, Oh Allah!
No more do I wish to live this life of
Lies..
I wish to be taken out from the narrowness of darnkness ,
And driven to light,
Ya Allah make make me amongst those who are beloved in your sight.
(Jawhariy)
Sincere regret is when a multitude of sins and mistakes from the past , that had been lurking at the back of a person's mind, return to the surface of one's memory and meddle with the heart, the heart extrudes in pain, recalling those unfortunate moments of life, which results to the lamenting and repenting of a person, it creates the desire and ferver to reform oneself, and completely diverge onself from the debacle of darkness and plunge oneself into the obedience of Allah, Who is التواب The One Who Relents.
With his head lowered in distress and humility, his hands outstretched beseeching his Merciful Lord, his back hunched in helplessness, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, his forehead creased, his eyes pinched closed , not willing to witness the grief and sorrow of his wife, as she wept beside him, tears of remorse slid down his grief stricken face, his tears of distress blothching his shirt.
This was the first time since they were married, that Haaniya had seen him so remorseful and humble. This painful loss had completely dissapated his pride, crushed the hard walls of his arrogance, it impelled him to reform , and this time he did not impede his repentance.
Regreting his past , along with the loss of the fruit of their heart , the coolness of their eyes, the joy of their life, the life of their home, the light of their lives, their only daughter, had entrenched in his heart a pain so severe , not even his soul mate Haaniya could cease this pain , she wallowed in her own sorrow , completely detached from him as well as her sarroundings, she couldn't even bring herself to speak to him, seeing the lifeless body of her seven year old daughter, drained the joy of her heart, sucked the happiness of her soul , and left her devastated, she hadn't even spoken to Farhaad , she hadn't sought comfort from him, neither had she attempted to comfort him, she simply watched him crumbling to pieces. What could she do , how could she possibly comfort him ,when she herself was shattered?
Even though deep down in the depths of her heart , she knew this was the decree of Allah , and that her daughter would be waiting for her in Jannah In Sha Allah , she couldn't help but blame Farhaad for the torture that her little girl had been put through, if it was not for his obstinate behaviour, his stuborn attitude, perhaps their daughter would have a peaceful death. She did not dare question the will of Allah for she had hope that by the will and mercy of Allah ,she would meet her daughter in Jannah , what shattered her heart was the manner in which she died , in a cold , dark place where there was not a soul who could pity her and offer their assistence.
Her mind traveled back to the seven joyous, as well as horrifying experience filled years with her daughter, each memory re played in her mind, reigning in a fresh wave of tears....
*flash backs*
A tiny bundle of joy, a little princess , with red rosy cheeks, deliacte soft skin, big round eyes, and a cute button nose, wrapped in a fluffy, striped pink and white blanket, stared up at her mother her big round innocent eyes filled with sparkling tears, as her cries echoed throughout the hospital room.
She held the little angel close to her bossom , protectively wrapping her arms around her little body. The little bundle of joy, snuggled closer to her mother, her cries muffled then hushed down to slow breaths, as she slowly fell asleep in the warm embrace of her mother, who lovingly watched her daughter, her heart bursting in happiness, her tongue moist with the gratitude of Allah Ta'allah, her mind at ease, seeing her little girl asleep in her arms.
Tears mingled wih emotions of happiness and joy , as well as fear for the future of her little girl, trickled down her tired face , before those tears could fall any further, Farhaad was quick to wipe them away.
She hoped that her daughter would not go through the same thing that Farhaad had put Shabana through, despite Haaniya advising Farhaad to seek forgiveness from Allah , to take responsibility of his son, and to apologise to Shabana , even if it be via her brother , since she had adorned the niqaab and most probably wouldn't converse with him, he refused and remained as obstinate as he had always been.
Sensing her fear , Farhaad held her face , carressing her cheeek, reassuringly smiling at her but , his oblivious attitude and reassuring smile only increased her fear and anxiety , and for seven years she lived with this fear.
*******
"Come on Hafsa my angel, a few more steps and you will reach Mummy."
Haaniya strethed her arms out as , her little daughter wobbled towards her, her tiny arms outstretched in order to balance herself while attempting to walk....
Farhaad sat on the couch , a wide smile etched onto his face , happily watching his wife and daughter.
Haaniya picked Hafsa up , and sat beside Farhaad. She turned towards him , a look of concern evident on her face.
"Have you considered taking responsibility of your son?"
Farhaad's smile, turned into a frown , he looked at her annoyed.
" I don't know where that woman lives!" , he replied , brushing the topic off as usual .
"If you didn't make an effort to find out where she lives , how are you going to know ?" , Haaniya questioned calmly but, by now she was agitated with his oblivious attitude, and his obstinate behaviour.
And the reply that she received was no different than the previous ones, he glared at her coldly, flared his nostrils in anger , turned his back to her and walked away, ignoring the silent plea that was evident in her eyes.
******
Fallen leaves swirled past them as she walked beside Hafsa , who ambled across the park , shrieking gleefully when she spotted the play ground.
A chilly gust of wind blew past her, sending a shiver down her spine. She glanced at the darkened sky, dense grey clouds hovered above them , ready to shower down their mercies.
"Hafsa my dear let's go home now it's going to storm !" , Haaniya pointed towards the sky , attempting to turn her daughter's attention away from the play ground that enticed her but, to no avail , Hafsa was much too excited and amused that she insisted to stay.
When all attempts failed , including brinbing her with ice cream , Haaniya finally huffed in annoyance and gave in.
"Fine only a little while and then we have to go, okay ?"
Hafsa nodded, a cute smile replaced her stubborn pout , she dawdled towards her mother who sat crossed legged on the grass, and placed a sloppy kiss on her cheek. Laughing at her daughter's antics , she placed her on the swing and smiled in adoration as her daughter giggled gleefully every time she pushed her forward.
Only a few moments of quality time had passed , when the clouds that witnessed their joy , began pouring it's tears onto the mother and duaghter.
Hafsa shrieked when her mother gathered her in her arms , and began sprinting towards the car, fearing that Hafsa might catch a cold.
************
She parked beside many other parents, who waited for their kids to be dismissed from school. It was Hafsa's first day of school and naturally like every mother she was worried , for Hafsa had clung to her and cried , not wanting her mother to leave her in the care of strangers and unknown children , even the huge play ground failed to pacify her.
Haaniya jumped off the car and made her way to the gate , relieved when she spotted her daughter , with her cute little pigtails , satchel slinged on one arm , a joyful smile etched on her face, as the teacher escorted them out of the school.
Haaniya held her little girls hand and seated her in the passenger seat, buckling her up. Once she drove out of the parking lot and got onto the road , she gave her daughter a smile.
" How was your first day at school my dear?"
Hafsa grinned at her mother, she waved a paper splattered with a variety of paints , as she narrated the events of the day.
"We painted in the biiiig art room , and we played with lego, and oh yes we learnt the alphabet in a rhyme and ...."
She gushed in excitement, and her mother listened attentively , a little smile graced her lips , seeing her daughter's excitement.
********
"Mummy Innaya's mummy is taking Innaya for a walk around the block can I please go with?" , Hafsa's ponies bounced as she jumped up and down, trying to convince her mother to send her with.
Hafsa had been occupied with cooking and cleaning , she had invited her in laws for supper and she had no time to accompany her daughter. She disliked her daughter being out of her sight, and she didn't know how to tell her daughter she could'nt go , without dissapointing her.
She dried her wet hands on her apron, then squatted in front of her daughter. She affectionately stroked her hair , placed a kiss on her fore head , and held her arms.
"My angel you do know that Mummy loves you a lot ?"
Hafsa nodded , gleefully smiling at her mother's affection.
" Mummy is busy today , if I was not busy you know I would take you for a walk. Once I'm done , maybe later we can all go for a walk together , and we can take Daadi ( paternal grandmother) and your Aunty and uncle also."
Hafsa's smile fell , she pleaded with her mother but, Haaniya being the over protective mother she was , refused to give in.
Hearing his wife's and daughter's banter , Farhaad walked into the kitchen , ready to side with his daughter. Knowing her husband too well , indicating with her eyes , she warned him not to agree and send her.
When she saw the mischievous glint in his eyes, and the adiment look on his face , ready to defy her , she shook her head , silently pleading with him , he found this amusing , but she was so afraid to be away from her daughter, that just the thought of her being away for a mere hour , had her insides churning in anxiety.
Dissaproving with her overprotectiveness Farhaad scooped up Hafsa into his arms , she smiled as her father pecked her forehead.
"You can go my darling but, stay with Inaaya's mummy ,don't wander off alone ."
Once he put her down , she sqeuled , then hugged her father who smiled at her excitement , and kissed her mother who gave her a helpless look.
Once Hafsa ran out of the kitchen , Haaniya turned her back to Farhaad , her eyes moist with fearful tears.
Farhaad stood behind her assuring her that their daughter would be fine , and that she was merely going for a walk, but his assurance and calmness only increased her anxiety , he would never understand why she was so concerned, he refused to change ,and she was afraid that one day , fate would replay his past once again.
*******
She scurried from the kitchen to the dinning room, setting the table for her in laws who would arrive shortly. Even though she had been occupied , her mind had been occupied with worry , she would look at the clock every minute, anticipating her daugthers return.
She walked towards the table , balancing two dishes in her hand , after placing it on the table , she headed back to the kitchen but, stopped in her tracks when she heard Farhaad's alarmed voice.
"What ! How could they get so far ?
I'm on my way !"
He cut the call , and gave his wife a panicked look.
"We have to go !" , he held her arm , fear evident on his face , an array of emotions painted in his eyes , as he dragged his confused wife to the car.
Haaniya obediently jumped into the car, her heart hammered in her chest but , she chose to remain silent and unaware of the situation , for she feared that the news may be unsettling, she never could deal well with fearful news.
Farhaad raced past the streets of their locality , he never uttered a word but , beads of perspiration rolled down his tample , his hands clenched the steering wheel , his jaw tightened.
As they drove into a deserted place , the sirens of police could be heard, Haaniya looked at Farhaad , panicked but found no answer , instead he ignored her and drove towards the police cars that sarrounded a particular area.
The flashing of the red and blue lights , blinded her vision, her stomach churned in horror , by the amount of cars that had gathered in this desolate place , it was clear that something serious had transpired.
Farhaad jumped off the car , his stomach churned in dread. Haaniya followed closely behind , they both made their way over to the group of police man ,but before Farhaad could proceed any further , one of the policeman stretched his arm out in front of Farhaad , stopping him in his tracks.
Farhaad murmured something to him , which was much to soft to reach Haaniya' s ears. The policeman nodded then motioned them to follow him , as he lead them past the group of policeman , some who gave them glances of pity , and others who darted glares of disappointment. Utterly confused at their varying expressions, Haaniya silently followed the policeman who lead them to two figures , zipped up in silver bags.
Farhaad drew in a sharp breath , as he neared the smaller one , Haaniya grabbed his arm , tears threatened to spill , unsure whether she would handle what he was about to reveal.
Unable to meet his wife's questioning gaze , he gently shook his arm free from her hold, with eyes bowed down he proceeded to unzip the silver bag , knowing well that after this his wife would never love him the same , heck he would be blessed if she still chose to stay by his side, but then again ...he didn't deserve to be blessed , he deserved to suffer , and he knew as he unzipped the bag , and revealed the unknown figure inside , he would be scarrred for life ,and nothing would repair his broken soul , nothing besides admitting his mistake , sincerely repenting and turning back to Allah.
Once the zip had been undone, he moved either side of the bag , revealing the innocent face of his little seven year daughter. Her once rosy cheeks had turned pale, red cuts and scratches covered her face and neck , it was obvious that she attempted to defend herself from the danger of the ruthless animals , that attacked her innocence, she was always a little , stubborn fighter and like that she remained till her very end but, despite her being a fierce little girl , her strength was no match for those brutal attackers , her pleas and cries remained unheard , and only when her body had turned cold , did help arrive but, Alas her soul had already been claimed!
Tears blurred his vision as he stared down at the lifeless body of his little angel , Haaniya screamed out her daughters name , and fell down to his side ,she gripped his shoulder, freeing the stream of her tears , she looked at him with accusing eyes , she cried out words that further shattered his now broken soul.
" I told you Farhaad ! I told you if you don't repent, if you don't take responsibility of your child , you will definitely pay ! "
Her words dug into his heart , created a cyclone of memories in his mind , causing his brain to reverse to Shabana's words once uttered .
Shabana turned to Farhaad, her cheeks streaked with salty tears.
"You and I both know that you are the liar here ! You are the one in denial ! You can run away now Farhaad but, remember what goes around comes around , you will pay for this one day !"
"You will pay for this one day !"
"You will pay for this one day ! "
"You will pay for this one day!"
Those words replayed in his mind , each time shocking him like a current of electricity. With a remorse filled heart , a grieved soul , he raised his gaze to the sky. A tremor shook through his body , as he cried to Allah for the first time in his life.
Tears rolled down his cheeks as he called out in pain.
"She was right I would pay for it , and I did pay for it ! Oh Allah ! I don't know what I've done. "
Her life would never be the same, her relationship with Farhaad would never be the same , neither would her home be the same , it already felt like a deserted land , an eerie feeling , a lifeless house , devoid of her little girls smiles and laughter.
After completing his dua, Farhaad looked at his wife , who was huddled in the corner of the room,hugging her knees , trying to console herself. .
He knelt besides her , keeping some distance between them knowing that she didn't want him close by.
"Will you still stay by my side ? "
He asked the one question that he yearned to know since Hafsa passed away. She peered at him , eyes red due to excessive crying, he held his breath, dreading the answer.
"How can you ask such a question , when you know very well what's the answer !"
She replied coldly.
He sucked in a breath , nodded in understanding , and turned to leave the room but, stopped by the door way , when he heard her speak once again.
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