1. Everything Is Gone
"I wear the robe like no one could."
- Lorde
"'What are your main goals in life?'" I bit down on my pen, heaving a sigh as I read the job application aloud. "Really though, what are my goals in life?"
Pushing the papers to the farthest corner of my desk, I pulled my drawer open and dug through it quietly, not wanting to wake my parents up for the sixth time this week. They didn't understand why I didn't sleep, why I couldn't sleep. But it was alright. As long as I didn't get caught.
Relief washed over me once I spotted the label on top of the pink sheet of paper, that read 'Career and Financial Management' over the top. Scanning the document, I searched for the answers I had written down all those months ago. I couldn't remember if it had been the sheet we did in class, or the review sheet we didn't have to hand in.
Name: Katrina Abel
Life goals: forget everything.
Reasons you are responsible: I haven't stopped coming to school yet.
"Oh god." I muttered, slightly apprehensive to the thought of reading the rest of it all. With a shrug of the shoulders, I continued on.
What is your greatest accomplishment: I once watched tv on netflix for forty hours straight.
Why are you qualified for this job: To be honest I'm not qualified at all.
Why should we hire you: you shouldn't. jobs are for chumps. and people who know what they want.
Crumpling the paper in my fist, a small growl of aggravation escaped me.
Definitely the review sheet, I thought with a scoff.
"Shit," I muttered, trying to quietly look through the mountain of papers inside my desk. "Mom will kill me if I don't get a job soon."
I slammed the draw shut, giving up.
Whatever hope I had possessed three hours ago had completely diminished. I didn't want to be a cashier, or a waitress, a dishwasher – I really didn't want to do anything at all. In retrospect, I shouldn't have gotten any applications for jobs in the first place.
Scattered over the desk were my applications, all half-filled out and most definitely half-assed. I decided to leave them there. Mom would find them, think I was looking, and be satisfied. I could buy a few more weeks like that.
A piercing alarm ran through my room and I bolted upright, maneuvering around my small room and out the door.
"Not the security alarm again." I whined, while taking cautious steps down the short hall and into the kitchen, where the front door sat beside the fridge.
Edmund laid casually sprawled out in front of the cat flap, licking his paws all the while sending me a pompous cat-smile. I groaned.
"Are you kidding me?" I spoke to him, kicking my foot into the wall. I yelped as pain shot through it, hopping on one foot like an idiot as Edmund continued grooming himself.
"I'm talking to a cat. A cat." His ears perked up as I spoke once more, murky brown eyes staring up at me in curiosity. "I'm talking to a cat at god-knows-what in the morning."
Mumbling obscenities, I glanced over to the stove, swearing as I saw the time. Edmund followed me as I tip-toed back to my room and walked past, peeking into my parent's lair. Still fast asleep, their light snores made me wrinkle my nose in disgust.
Heavy sleepers, I thought, the world could end and they'd carry right on through with their freaking naps.
Trudging back to my woman-cave, I ignored the abysmal amount of job applications, turning to my twin-sized bed with a sleepy grin.
Not bothering to change into pajamas, I snuggled beneath the covers and reached over to my bedside table, grabbing the Advil container. I took three, knowing they would knock me into a dead sleep. I turned the light off finally, hoping that for once I would have a dreamless night.
Mere moments had passed, and I was out.
I dreamt of drowning.
*
Rubbing my temples, I resisted the urge to scream at the math packet that almost seemed to stare at me from its place on the lunch table. Brynn fell over my lap, breaking the concentration I had built up.
"What the hell? Go away, Brynn, I'm doing homework!" I shoved her onto the floor, snatching my pencil from behind my ear and trying to decipher the string of numbers. After a few more seconds of hopelessly faking my math, I gave up.
"I'm done. So done." Looking back to Brynn, I let out a muffled laugh when I noticed she still sat on the disgusting floor, ignoring the glances being sent our way from other tables.
She grasped the table, groggily pulling herself to a standing position. Sliding back into the seat beside me, she sent me a dirty glare.
"Finish your math yet?" Picking at her nails absentmindedly, she grinned wickedly.
I scoffed at her question, shoving the packet back into my bag.
"Do I ever?" I punched her lightly when she nodded, wishing I had never stayed up so late, just to procrastinate. "Why are you so weird today?"
"Got totally baked with Catherine last night. She took her shirt off and table danced at one point. It was legendary." Flinging her arms up, she made dramatic hand motions as she began to tell me the story and I worried about my math class, first block of the day.
"Oh geez, that sounds so awesome." Completely missing the sarcasm, Brynn continued on with her retelling of her night out with Catherine.
Ugh, Catherine. I rolled my eyes at the thought of her. She was Brynn's 'new best friend' and smoking buddy. Not that Brynn and I had a really close friendship, but she was the only person I ever talked to – and for her to be spending all her time with Catherine left me with virtually nothing to do.
I had to face it, senior year was a drag.
"Hey, you in there?" I nodded slowly, tuning back in to the conversation. She laughed, continuing on.
"So – we're just sitting around drinking some beers and these guys are around us. And get this – Tim Bracket touched Catty's ass so she slapped him across the face. But then later on they were making out so I guess they worked that little mishap out, if you feel me." She paused, taking a breath. I took the brief second to shudder at the nickname Brynn had for her – Cattty. "So, then, like, David comes over. You know David. Right?" I didn't, but I shook my head in a 'yes' motion anyways. "He totally defends Catty and then they had this epic chemistry and I totally, like, I ship them right now." I raised an eyebrow.
"But wasn't she making out with Tim Bracket?" I would never understand teenage girls. She threw her head back, laughing as if I had said something ridiculous.
"Catty's a slut," - I would also never understand how girls my age could call each other names like Brynn and Catherine did. – "Don't give me that look, Trina! She's easy and she knows it. Really, she gets some great guys while getting some epic sex at the same time. You should open your legs a little more, dude."
The look I gave Brynn was strong enough to stop her tirade right in its track – an achievement I told myself I should remember, because I knew it wouldn't happen again.
"I'm just going to assume that you're high right now. And hungover."
"Sorry Katrina." She frowned, her voice laced with guilt. I sighed.
"It's fine. Just finish your freaking story." I was too nice.
"Okay..." Trailing off, she looked up at the grey-panelled ceiling, as if it would summon her now lost train of thought. I stole a glance at my cell phone, feeling relief wash over me when I saw there was five minutes left until our first class of the day.
Snapping her fingers, Brynn turned back to me with a grin.
"I've got it! Sooooo –" Dragging the word out, she winked. "Like I was saying, David and Catty had great chemistry but I think she had sex with Dominic last night." I didn't even ask what had happened to Tim Bracket. "But then..."
"Then what?" Annoyed, I tapped my foot impatiently. I wanted to get to class. I had four minutes.
"Ian Sanchez showed up."
I didn't say anything.
"I don't know what he was on. Must've been something strong though, which is funny, because apparently he just got out of rehab. He told Catty to table dance."
"Oh..." I choked, trying to remain unfazed. "What happened after that?"
"He went on this huge rant and shit about how she's not brave or something, I don't know. It was so gay, like a fucking poem or something. Then she got up and took her shirt off, dancing. It's on YouTube."
I was too much in shock to scold her for being a homophobe again.
"Crazy, right? It got taken down in a day, but everyone in the school pretty much saw it. So funny, but don't you dare tell her I said that. She'll kill me, seriously."
There was an awkward silence in which both of our minds were elsewhere.
"Oh, wait." She stopped herself, staring up for a second more. "Isn't that... isn't Ian that Marco kid's older brother? Like, the Marco that died when we were freshmen? At the mall shooting... Seems like forever ago, I didn't know him at all – really. I think I asked you about him once but you never really answered. Hm, oh well."
That was it for me.
Yanking my bag off the ground, I slammed it onto the table and narrowed my eyes at her when she jumped. I stood.
"Maybe you're just too fucking insensitive to be logical or thoughtful in the slightest, but for you to forget that night when I told you... when I told you Marco was my best fucking friend... You need to tell me if I'm really your friend. Because right now I don't even want to know you anymore."
I started to walk away, fuming and guilty and anxious as hell.
"Wait, Trina!"
"Fuck off," I called behind me. "and call me Katrina."
I was relieved to notice we were the last few people in the cafeteria, and I ran to first block, hoping I would get there before the bell rang.
But as hard as I tried, I couldn't stop asking myself one single question.
Why was Ian back now?
[ a/n: not edited that much. thoughts? i'm so excited for this. chapter two is halfway done. ]