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Phil
If I'd ever thought Dan was scary, his absence was a hundred times worse.
The fear of what Dan might do when left on his own was awful. He might be hurt, he might be scared.
And I missed him.
I found myself going up into the lighthouse more and more. I went there to avoid school, which was filled with people who probably hated me. I went there to avoid Dan's mum, who asked me countless questions every time she saw me. I went there to get out of my head. It made me feel close to Dan when I was there.
I kept reading his letter over and over again. I kept staring at his shaky words, and knowing that he wouldn't have left without me if I could just love him.
One night I even slept in the lighthouse. Or I at least stayed there. I never fell asleep.
I spent my time staring at the sky and listening to the crashing waves. I looked at the moon. I took comfort in the fact that Dan might be staring at the same moon at the same time.
The sky reminded me of Dan. I remembered when we had only just met, and he had 'kidnapped me'. We walked in the woods and ended up sleeping in a field, the sky around us.
I missed him so much. I wanted Dan to be up here with me. I wanted him to hold me close. I wanted my friend back. It wasn't fair.
☾❀☽
The following days after he left, I tried so hard to pretend that everything was normal. I went to school one day, hoping that the routine would make me feel okay. But it didn't. I was only going through the motions. All my actions and words were vacant, my mind still reeling without Dan by my side.
I wanted it to all stop. I wanted to turn around and find Dan smiling behind me. But that wasn't the case.
I left school early. I decided not to go back again without Dan. It was getting bad.
☾❀☽
It was late when I got the text. I was awake, though, still reading the stupid letter. And then my phone buzzed.
Meet me at the park tomorrow. 1pm.
It was a number I'd never seen before. My only thought was Dan.
Dan Dan Dan.
It had to be. Dan was coming home. I was going to see him tomorrow. I was so beautifully close to seeing him. I would be okay.
☾❀☽
The next day I could barely keep the grin off my face. Dan. I left for the park much earlier than I probably needed to.
I was sitting on the swing when I heard him.
"Hey."
I spun around and saw a tall figure with dark hair. But that was where his similarities to Dan ended.
He turned to face me. Chris. It was Chris. Fuck. Not Dan. I felt my heart drop.
I stood up from the swing and backed up a few steps. "I- I shouldn't be here, I need to go home," I muttered.
I'd never been with Chris alone before. I'd always hated him, though, ever since I'd first seen Dan kissing him. I knew it was wrong, but having someone take Dan away from me was one of the worst feelings in the world.
"Phil, please." He caught my wrist. His eyes were honest. "I need to talk to you."
"What do you want?" I asked as coldly as I could. I don't think I was fooling him, though, my heart was beating fast out of fear.
"Where's Dan?" He said plainly, taking a step closer to me. He wasn't messing around.
I shook my head a few times. "I don't know."
"Bullshit. Dan would've told you." He stepped even closer, his voice cooling considerably.
I was beyond scared. I shook my head. "He never did. I don't know where he is."
"Don't lie to me. He loved you far too much to make you worried. He would've at least hinted that he was okay, or to where he was going," Chris pointed out.
When he said 'loved' my cheeks flushed a little. I dropped my eyes lower. He noticed.
And then it all went down hill. Chris realized I wouldn't tell him anything. Out of spite or anger, he started speaking again. "Are you embarrassed that he loves you?"
I couldn't tell if he was mocking me or not.
"Shut up," I demanded, taking a step back. "You don't know what you're talking about."
Chris ignored me and kept talking.
"No, it's even better than that. You don't love him, do you?"
I started to shake a little, and took another step back. How the hell did Chris know all this?
Chris dropped my wrist. "Has he ever kissed you?" he spat, his eyes burning just a little. "Has he ever held you close? Have you ever know that he wanted to me more than friends?"
I dropped my eyes again. "Stop, please. I told you I don't know where he is."
"Phil, he is so desperate to love you. He tried to use me as a distraction, but he cared about you too much. He sacrificed his time and effort to make you happy. He was your friend. And even after all this, you're still too fucking pathetic to love him back," Chris continued, refusing to listen to me.
"Shut up."
"Does it make you sad that you can't make your own best friend happy? That you disappoint him every day that you don't love him back. Are you okay with ripping him up? Are you actually fine with being friends with him, even though it only hurts him?"
"Shut up!" I shouted. I felt little tears beginning to boil over. I didn't want to cry.
"You try not to think about it, right? You're too afraid to. But I can see it. When he looks at you, he's in love, but he's aching. It's eating him alive and it's your fault. Whether you like it or not."
"Please stop," I begged, tears staining my cheeks.
"Have I upset you? Is the little Philly crying?" he took another step towards me and bent down. His face was right in front of mine. "Have you ever seen Dan cry? I have. People always assume dan never gets upset. But the truth is that he's always hurting inside, and you really are killing him. Did you understand that? You are killing Dan weather you like it or not. You should do him a favour and leave him alone. You're going to destroy him if you stay friends with him. If you keep this act up Dan might be ruined."
And then I slapped him. I didn't mean to, but I couldn't stand it.
Everything started to move slowly. My mind started to blur out with static, like our family's old television. I lost track of everything, except for that I was angry. I hated him. I hated him so much. I never wanted to hurt Dan. Never. Chris did. He got together with someone he didn't love. How dare he say that I was killing him. I couldn't be. I couldn't be. I couldn't be.
All I knew was that I hated Chris and one slap wouldn't be enough.
☾❀☽
And then I was in the lighthouse.
I looked at my hands. My knuckles were bruised. My ribs were aching. I seemed to be sobbing, but it didn't seem real. I was holding Dan's letter.
I tried to figure it out. I wasn't in the park anymore. Chris was gone. I was a little hurt. My knuckles were sore. I was crying so much.
And then I remembered what Chris had said about Dan. And then I remembered how after I'd hit him the first time, I couldn't stop. I'd never fought anyone before, but he enraged me. He pointed out what I was trying to hide from. I could never hurt Dan.
Dan.
Dan who had saved me. Had become my first good friend, taken me everywhere, showed me how beautiful everything was. But he loved me, and I was simply confused. I'd tried for so long not to think about how that might feel for Dan. I couldn't think about it anymore.
I was still crying. I let myself feel it. I let myself feel the pain I was trying to repress. I felt it all. My heart was hurting. My head was hurting. I was still crying.
I stayed up there all night again.
☾❀☽
I woke up to the sound of the door at the base of the lighthouse being opened .
I sat up silently, and listend. Someone was coming up the stairs.
"Phil?"
The second I heard his voice, I knew I was okay.
I spun around, and saw him standing a few feet away.
It was Dan. Dan was standing in front of me. His hair was tangled, his clothes were smudged with dirt, and he looked exhausted, but here was here. And he was so beautiful.
I stumbled to my feet and ran towards him. We collided, and I was in his arms.
"Dan," I breathed. I was crying. He was crying. I breathed in the familliar scent of trees and flowers. "Dan."
I was still crying. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't really happy either. It was a mix. I think it was a mix for both of us.
"Are you okay?" he whispered quietly, running a hand through my hair.
I nodded rapidly. "I'm good."
He held me there quietly.
Dan let go of me and sat down. "I'm sorry that I left without you."
"It's okay." I sat down next to him, and he pulled me into his lap.
"No, it's not okay. I lied, and I'm sorry."
Dan frowned and pulled me close again. He kissed the back of my head lightly.
"Chris saw me yesterday, I mumbled.
"What?"
Dans tone was immediatly serious. He sounded almost fearful. "I made it clear to him that he was to stay the hell away from you," Dan mumbled, mostly to himself.
I sniffled a little. "Oh."
"What did he say to you?!" Dan demanded, tightening his grip on me.
I started crying harder, but this time I was upset. There was no happiness inside anymore. I started shaking. I didn't want to remember our conversation.
"A-At first he just wanted to know were you were, but when I-I didn't tell you, he- I. He-"
"Phil." Dan's voice was low and soothing. "What is it? You know you can tell me anything."
"He said that I was being cruel for not loving you. That I was killing you. That if I can't give you what you deserve, I shouldn't be your friend at all."
"Oh Phil," Dan whispered. He hugged me again, and held me closer. He kissed the top of my head again.
"Please tell me you didn't listen. Never think that."
I sniffed and lowered my head, but I didn't say anything.
"Look, Phil, the one thinf that my trip taught me was that even if it stings a little being in love with you, being away from you hurts infinatly more. I want to be with you forever, Phil. I hope you know that. Platonically or romantically, it doesn't matter. The fact is that I like you, and as long as you are in my life in some shape or form, I could never be upset."
"I'd like to be with you forever too," I agreed softly, leaning into him.
We sat together quietly and comfortably.
"Did you find them?" I asked, changing the subject. "Your parents."
He shook his head and smiled sadly. "No." With that word he straightened up, pulling me with him. I was in his lap.
"But we need to talk. I've got things I need to tell you, and stories you won't believe. I've been keeping things from you, and you deserve to find out. I'm ready."
"What do you mean?" I looked at his deep eyes, trying to understand.
"Phil, you might've noticed that some parts of my life don't quite make sense. And, I'm going to try and show you why."
"Thank you. I'm glad you trust me now."
Dan laughed a little. "I've always trusted you, little one."
"So why haven't you told me before now?"
"I haven't trusted myself not to run away from it all."
☾❀☽ ☾❀☽ ☾❀☽
An:
Wow jenny finally an update yay
forgive me if this chapter was pretty shit, I'm v out of practice.
And I mean this chapter was short as hell oops.
I can tell you that the next one will be longer and that lots of shot will go down it will be t a s t y
Hopfully my update schedule will be getting better now. I'm so thankful for everyone who hasn't given up on me, you guys make me so happy.
I hope to be seeing you all soon,
love always,
-jen