I throw up. For the fourth time tonight. Or it's the fifth time? I don't know anymore. I stopped counting. I'm dry heaving because my stomach is completely empty by now and it still doesn't want to give up.
I'm tired. I'm weak. I'm sure I can't even stand up from the cold bathroom floor. My legs won't hold me. I'm shaky and I'm cold. And I'm completely alone. That brings me both comfort and a twinge of pain.
I caught a ride back with Sam. She asked me about a hundred times what happened that put me in that state, but I reassured her it was nothing and that I just want to go home. And never come back to that place.
What happened tonight is what I never wanted to happen again. It was the second time in my life it happened to me. And it's pretty funny how I ran away just because of that same thing that followed me for years.
If this happens here, too ... I'm afraid to even think about it.
I had no tears to shed tonight. But I got a sick feeling in my stomach every time I thought about what happened tonight, which also brought back the all too familiar memories.
Damn me for being so stupid. I can't blame Alexander or Sophie for anything that happened to me. It was all me. I was stupid, I didn't think. I knew Alexander had a girlfriend, yet I chose to ride with him. Even though I still hate him and there was nothing romantic about it, I know Sophie didn't see it in the way it really was.
She saw it as a jealous girlfriend that saw her boyfriend riding on a motorcycle with someone that wasn't her. I get it. I even understand it.
I shouldn't do that. But now it is what it is.
I hear Alexander's motorcycle outside, nearing the house. The sick feeling in my stomach appears again and I vomit for the fifth or sixth time tonight. I know there are only a few hours left until the sun rises, but I don't have to babysit Amelia, so that comforts me.
I don't know how I'd be able to pull myself together and act all chirpy and happy. I don't know where I'd get the energy to entertain a kid as if nothing is wrong and as if my life is not falling apart for the second time.
I hear Alexander going to his room without single care while I'm in the next room barely living, barely even a human.
I hear the shower turn on. I listen to the water run and let it calm me down a bit. My thoughts shut down, finally, as if this was the only thing it took. I put my head on the toilet seat, too tired to move, too scared that if I do, the monster thoughts will crawl back in my head.
I close my eyes and let the running water soothe me enough to lull me into sleep.
•••
"A little help here, Sin?"
"Do I really have to?" The words are followed by a groan of displeasure.
"Yes!" a feminine voice snaps back, making me wince slightly. "Move her to the bed," she orders.
I'm being lifted up. My head falls on the warm, hard chest and I battle to open my eyes, my forehead wrinkling in the process.
I'm being put down on something soft – a bed, I guess. And a hand covers my forehead. "Gabby, open your eyes, please."
I open my eyes and quickly close them, groaning and rolling over, snuggling my head into the bed. Why do I feel so shitty?
"Gabby!" the voice, that I recognise as Sam's, snaps at me.
I groan again and roll back over, opening my eyes again and this time I keep them open.
I sit up on the bed and look around the room. Sam is sitting on the bed and I see Alexander standing by the door, casually leaning on the doorframe like he's bored out of his mind. It's already bright outside. Is it morning?
"What – How did you get in here?" is the first question I ask them.
Sam looks at Alexander. "Through the door. You forgot to lock it."
Again?
"Okay, Gabby, want to tell me why were you sleeping on the bathroom floor?"
I lean back on the headboard and swallow. My throat feels dry and it hurts when I swallow down. My stomach also feels like it's tied in knots. Not a nice feeling to have first thing in the morning. "I was a bit sick when I came home. I thought I'd throw up, so I stayed by the toiled." I shrug. "Guess I fell asleep. That vodka you gave me really hit me." I force out a laugh.
I can't get myself to look at either of them. I'm not an actress and I lie terribly bad.
Alexander confirms it. "That lie was so bad it made me wince."
Sam glares at him. "Get out, Sin. I need to have a talk with her."
Alexander lifts his hands up. "Gladly. Sort your shit out, Little one and don't bring it on others' doorsteps," he says as the last comment before he goes out.
I don't have any energy to answer him, so I don't.
I try to scramble off the bed. "Honestly, Sam, I'm good. You didn't have to barge in here. I need a shower, I stink." I don't look at her, but when sam wraps her hand around my arm tightly, stopping me from going anywhere, I do look at here.
And I'm surprised that I don't see any anger on annoyance on her face. It's only worry and compassion I can read in her eyes.
"Cut the bullshit, Gabby. What's going on? What happened last night that put you so off?"
I nervously play with my fingers on my hands, not knowing what to do with them. "Uhm. Nothing, the people watching the scene just really blew me away, I guess. I'm not used to people listening to me talk."
Sam raises her eyebrow at me. "If you think what you and Sophie had was a scene, boy, you should have seen what happened between her and Sin later." She shakes her head, a small smile playing on her lips.
I knew Sam went back after she dropped me off. I sit up straighter on my bed. "Did ... Did they fight?" I ask with a lump in my throat.
"Fighting puts it mildly, pretty face."
The lump grows bigger. "Because of me?" I whisper dreadfully.
Sam sees where I'm going with this and her face closes off immediately. "Oh, Gabby," she murmurs.
"But surely Alexander takes other girls for a ride, yeah? I've seen him do it. Like, it's not that big of a deal that he took me. Right?" I blabber on, panic all over inside of me, growing by the second.
I hold my breath, waiting on Sam's reaction.
She puts her hand on my arm, rubbing it. "Gabby, one thing you must know, you're different. You're not like us. You attract people like us and Sophie is intimidated by you. Hell, I would have been too if you were after my man!"
"But I'm not after Alexander!" I squeak out hopelessly.
Sam sighs tiredly. "It doesn't matter if you are or you aren't. You're not a bitch, you don't dress like a whore and you're genuine. And hot. And that is a reason Sophie is scared. Because she's just ..." Sam shudders, "a bitch and once she sees someone she considers hers hanging out with someone better ..." She shrugs.
"I need to talk to her. Or Alexander. I want to make this right," I rush out.
"No," Sam says firmly. "Alexander is old enough to know what he's doing. If he was in a committed relationship and Sophie really meant something to him, he'd never even look at some other girl."
I snort, looking at Sam in disbelief. "Somehow, I doubt that."
Sam only levels me with a stare that makes my expression straighten again. "You don't know Sin like I do, Gabby."
I gulp uncomfortably, her stare unnerving me. "You have that right," I agree. And I don't think I'll ever know him. I'm not sure I even want to, but there's a small spark of curiosity. Maybe he's hiding something inside of him and maybe he's not all that he portrays himself to be.
Or I'm just being stupid and I only want to try to find good in him when there's nothing to find.
"Listen, Gabby, if you knew him, you'd understand him. He has his reasons for his actions, you know."
"No, Sam," I disagree with her. "No one has a reason to be a jerk to people. No one. He has shitty things happening to him or things that happened to him, fine. But that's not an excuse to be an asshole, Sam. Don't you see it? We're all fighting battles here and not everyone is being an asshole because of that."
Sam is staring at me for long seconds, blinking at me and going through my words in her head. "My advice to you would be, stop trying so hard to find the good things in this ugly world. Accept all the ugliness and stop trying to make it into something good. Yeah, we're all struggling with things and we're also all wearing masks. There are good people out there and there are also people who portray themselves to be good. My reason for hanging out with assholes, as you put it, is that at least they're speaking their mind and are not hiding behind the mask of niceness. Because when that mask falls off, Gabby, they're ugly, too."
I don't know what to say to that. I know what she's trying to say, but there are also good people who are just good, not hiding behind a mask. The world has too many assholes already, there's no reason to be one more.
Sam kisses me on the cheek. "Get some rest and something to eat. You look like you'll pass out any second."
Yeah, I just might because her words took all my breath.
Sam stands up. "I gotta go do some work at the studio."
I nod, watching her leave while her words areechoing in my head.
As promised, a new update!
A big thanks to @Sumyia19 for creating this super awesome cover for me! ♥