Sebastian
Victoria does not do things by halves. I don't know who she bribed to get this apartment but it's perfect and now that I've got most of my stuff unpacked it only looks vaguely like a bachelor pad. I'm not lost, I have a home, and I'm back in control of my life.
Sleeping in until eight is my new favourite thing in the world and I intend to indulge in it daily as long as I can. After a run and a workout that makes me wish I hadn't backed off a little while I was filming I start the walk home via the coffee shop on the corner. I must be insane craving anything hot in this melt-right-into-the-pavement weather, and flicking through The Times it seems to be all that anyone is concerned with.
"Sebastian?"
I look up assuming my coffee is ready and instead find Matt, a good mate I haven't seen in far too long.
"Hey, buddy. How's it going?"
"Great, good to be home for a bit. Just got done filming in Naples with Tulia, actually. You in town long?"
"A few weeks. What's new with you?"
"Well, Amy's pregnant. So, about six months and I'll be a dad."
"That's awesome, congratulations."
"Thanks, man. Actually, we're having a party this weekend for my birthday. You should come if you don't have any plans."
"I'll be there."
"I'll text you when I get home. Really good to see you," he says as I take my cup.
"You too, I'll see you in a few days."
My new apartment came mostly furnished, and it has this amazing chair in front of the living room doors. The sliding screens open onto a small terrace where the afternoon breeze blows right into this chair and I swear this is the only comfortable place to be in the whole of New York right now.
Aside from the pool at the Soho House, which is more like the sardine house on days like this.
Victoria tells me this amazing chair is an Eames lounger and was the thing that caught her eye when she first looked at the apartment for me. I don't give a shit what it's called, it's the most sublime piece of furniture I've ever had the pleasure of parking my ass in and it is my life's ambition to make sure I have one in every place I'm expected to sit more than five minutes.
In nothing but a pair of shorts I sink into it with a script I've been asked to look at while the occasional puff of warm air from outside does absolutely nothing to cool me down. Matt's party is this evening and I'm looking forward to catching up with a few mates I haven't seen in a while, we've all been working away so much the closest we get is text messages and facebook. Funny how we thought living in the same city would ensure we kept in touch.
The vibration of my phone startles me awake, I didn't even realise I'd closed my eyes.
"Hey Michelle, what's up?" I slur, trying to wipe the fatigue from my eyes.
"I'm in your backyard, thought I'd give you a call."
"I hope to god you mean that figuratively, because stalking is illegal here."
"Nice place. Wish you'd put some clothes on, though." She laughs.
"You know me too well."
"Can we catch up tonight?"
"Uh... I'm actually going to a party at a mate's house. Can we do another night?"
"Not really, I've got a couple of afternoons free next week but that's it."
"Let me call him and check, but it shouldn't be a problem if you want to come. It's Matt Houston, you've probably met."
She starts to laugh. "God it's a small world, I was on the group text he sent out. We worked together last year."
"Well then, do you want to come here first? It's only a couple of blocks from here and we can go somewhere after if you want."
"Perfect."
Once she's written down the directions to get to my building I finish reading before a quick shower and I'm just pulling on my jeans and shirt when she rings the bell. We might have had sex recently but that doesn't make me keen on answering the door naked.
She was cool about that whole thing and we've brushed it off. I know if I asked she'd be keen for more, but I can't give it to her while I'm still holding that last tiny hope for Tulia and I. The conversation we had when I left wasn't so much 'I want a divorce' as 'let's see how we feel about not being together' if I remember it correctly, and I really have no idea how she feels.
Come to think of it I'm not sure how I feel, either. I saw some pictures of her last week and while I know not to give them much credence she was clearly on a date with an Italian set designer. They were at the beach together – she appears to have been bikini shopping since we split and that orange patterned number looked so fucking hot on her I was actually hard looking at her with another man – and clearly flirting in the water. And then that night a romantic restaurant date – with Anna by her side and another man – where they left hand in hand. Could be nothing, but Tulia's face and body always give her away, and she looks relaxed and happy, not to mention so beautifully tanned she's got her mother's deep Italian olive colouring going on. I don't think I've ever seen her with that much colour, she's radiant and glowing and I don't think it's too big a leap to assume she took some time for a holiday with her new man.
My imagination might be running away with me and the more I think about it the more my chest aches, so generally I just push it aside and focus on something else. And that's the story of how I spend so much time working out that Don actually kicked me out twice last week.
"Hey, you," Michelle reaches up on her toes and I lean down so she can kiss my cheek. "How are you?"
"I'm good."
"How are you really?" She eyes me sideways as I close the door behind her.
"I'm good, really."
"Wow. Who did you have to blow to score this?"
"Victoria," I say with a laugh. "And I pay her enough without oral sex. She's outdone herself with this place."
"Are you still hoping it's temporary?"
"I don't know." I take two beers from the fridge and hand her one.
"I saw the stories last week, that must have stung a bit."
"Yeah, I don't normally believe a word of it but some of those pictures were a little obvious. She's not the type to flirt accidentally, if she makes physical contact with you it's calculated. If she's happy then I'm happy for her."
"You almost sound like you mean that."
"I want to. I put us through this agony in the hope that she'd be happier, so..." I shrug.
"You hoped she'd be miserable without you, huh?"
"I... no. If she was, I have no idea how we would have fixed it. Other than me giving up acting and taking a job that keeps me busy wherever she goes."
"Or her doing the same."
"That was never going to happen. For either of us. There's really no happy ending, I guess. It is what it is. I haven't spoken to her, though. She's still in Italy."
"Well... you know I won't wait around for you, but I'm putting it out there like I should have done years ago. If ever the timing is right and you're interested, let me know."
"I will keep that in mind, Chelle. For right now, I'm going to enjoy my amazing apartment. Have you seen this chair? Why did I not know about these before?"
There's a hint of a frown on Matt's face when he opens the door to Michelle and me but he covers it quickly with a warm smile. He pulls me aside within a few minutes while she's getting drinks.
"Dude, what the hell happened with Tulia?"
"You know how it is, she was here and I was there," I hold up my hands on either side of my chest, "and we just... couldn't do it anymore."
"So you and Michelle?"
"Nah, we're just friends. She was in town and tonight was the only night she was free so we're going out later, that's all."
"I'm not accusing you, just wondering."
"So this set designer she's been hanging out with, what's he like?"
"Who? I thought she was getting it on with Patrick."
"Patrick is a douchebag, Lu wouldn't go there."
"That's what I thought, but he was saying they had some sort of fling. Can't have ended well, though, she threw a glass of champagne at him at the wrap party."
"She what?" All I can do is laugh, because that is absolutely something she'd do. I've never seen it in action, but I imagine in her early dating years it happened often. My Tulia doesn't take anyone's shit.
"Glass and all. And then I walked her home, I'm not sure what that was about, either. Anna made her promise not to drink and made me swear to escort her inside her room."
"That doesn't sound like Tulia."
"No. I reckon he was spreading bullshit, or he tried something. Who's the set designer?"
"Italian guy, she's been out with him a couple of times I think. She stayed after you guys wrapped."
"Yeah, she was on holiday with..." a smile slowly spreads across his face. "Anna. The guy is Carlo and Anna is with his brother. Good guy."
"Good."
"Seb, we both know she wouldn't be straight into anything serious. I'd be surprised if she's anywhere near ready for another man."
He doesn't know what her libido is like. She might not be up for anything serious but I doubt she'll stay away from men altogether. The thought makes me sick to my stomach – half at the thought of her with another man on top of her and half out of guilt – I'd been deluding myself that her fairly extensive collection of toys would keep her satisfied when I wasn't around. Maybe it wasn't enough.
"Anyway. We agreed to try separating to see if we were happier apart than together, and it looks like I have my answer."
"Are you? Happier?"
"I like not having to deal with the fighting."
Does that make me happier, make it hurt less to see her with other men, make me miss her any less? No. Maybe it hurts less frequently, I'm reminded of her absence less often as the days pass, but am I happier?
Too hard to answer and too soon to tell.
"Well I invited her but I don't think she's coming."
"She was staying in Sorrento with her family, I don't think she has anything on for a month or so."
"She took another job with Dom in between, she was telling me about it."
"Right then," I chuckle. "I should go find Michelle, she was getting me a drink."
Michelle definitely doesn't need any assistance from me, she knows almost as many people here as I do. It's not a huge gathering, around forty people, so even though we're milling around we somehow keep bumping in to one another and again I'm reminded how easy things are with her. I've somehow found myself leaning against the railing on my own, taking a break from the noise, when she threads her arms around my waist and hands me a beer.
"Thanks. What are you up to?"
"Just spotted you over here alone, thought I'd make sure you're ok."
"Yeah, I just needed a minute."
"You want to get out of here?"
"Soon, yeah. I want to say hi to Amy and a couple of others unless you're in a rush."
"Not at all. We don't have to do anything else tonight either, if you just want to call it a night."
"We'll see. I kind of wish we had more time. All of us. We should all take a break and go on a holiday together so I can spend some quality time with all my friends."
"Good luck with that."
"You really think there's something between us?"
She shrugs. "I like hanging out with you. Everything just seems so easy, it makes me wonder if that means something."
"Maybe."
Her eyes lock onto mine, gazing up at me and dancing with mischief. It almost feels too comfortable, too familiar, too simple, but I press my lips gently against hers and a light hand rests on my chest. As I pull back I smile as I see the faintest blush in her cheeks.
"Give me another half hour and we'll go."
She nods and takes a mouthful of drink as I turn to leave, beginning my search for Matt's girlfriend, Amy. It's forgotten as soon as I'm near the door to go back inside, when my skin prickles with goosebumps. I don't even have to look up, I can feel her.
Tulia is standing at the window beside the open doors with a glass of wine in her hand and an almost undetectable hint of tears in her eyes. She squares her shoulders as I approach, shaking off what I assume she just saw and tucking her emotions safely back in place behind her usual external wall.
In spite of that, she looks absolutely stunning, so much so that I stop short for a few moments to take her in. Her skin is so bronzed and silken it shimmers ike the thin gold chain around her neck catching the light, her hair smooth and straight and tucked behind one ear. Since I saw her last she's noticeably slimmer, her waist so narrow I think I could get my hands around it with ease and her full breasts almost out of proportion. She wears a dress that hugs her curves tight in sky blue, showing her toned arms and shoulders, and those killer legs look even longer with her nude heels and a hint of red toenail polish.
Apparently she's doing just fine on her own.
"Sebastian," she says quietly when I'm in earshot. "How are you?"
'"Great, you?"
"Just had a really good break in Italy, can't complain."
"Yeah, I saw."
"Oh. Slow news day, obviously."
"You look amazing, Tulia."
"You too. Did you find an apartment?"
"Yeah, just a couple of blocks away. I got really lucky. Matt says the filming went well?"
"It was full on and I'm glad it's over, but we got it done. Beautiful location."
I want to ask if she's seeing someone. Is it my business when we're separated? Do I retain the right to ask about her personal life until we're divorced, or did I lose it when I suggested time apart and slept with Michelle? Fuck, this is a minefield.
"You're off on another project shortly?"
"Just a short one. Will you be using the other apartment?"
"Nah, I'm off on a press tour for a couple of months. It's all yours."
"I guess we should decide what to do about all that sort of stuff."
"Yeah. No hurry, we were never there at the same time before so I doubt it will happen anytime soon."
Just ask. Is this it? Are we done? Is it time to split assets already?
"I won't be there the rest of the year, so..."
Too late I realise Michelle has her hand on my back, she's seen me talking but not who I'm with. It's removed quickly as though I've burned her when she sees Tulia.
"Hi, Michelle," her face lights up in genuine welcome, and they hug briefly. "What are you doing in New York?"
"Just visiting for some meetings, a couple of events. How are you? You look fantastic!"
"Thanks. A week on the beach will do that. You look great, too."
"I look like I could do with a week on the beach," she says, holding her much lighter arm against Tulia's and chuckling.
"Are you going to the women's arts dinner thing on Wednesday?"
"Yeah, actually."
"I'll look for you there."
I know she saw us, even if it was just a fleeting moment. An outsider would assume she's not hurting at all, that seeing her husband kissing another woman didn't faze her in the slightest, but I know her better. I have to admire her class, she could easily have brushed us both off and we'd understand.
I refuse to believe she's not hurt. She's just an expert at putting up a front and a brave face. This is one of those things I simultaneously loved and hated about her – it's admirable that she can continue with her usual elegance in a situation like this rather than turn out her inner bitch, but it was also the root of a lot of our problems, this lack of communication and displaying emotion. The inner bitch was reserved only for me, and now I'm not even worth that.
For a few moments I watch them in conversation; the wife I've separated from and the woman who's likely to be my future partner; and although I'm sure this won't be my new normal I feel a sort of pride in them both.
I'm saved by Amy approaching us and once I've congratulated her on the pregnancy Michelle and I decide to make an exit before things get messy.
"You're really quiet," she says on the walk home. "You ok?"
"Yeah. I think... she seems happy, right? Not floating on the ceiling, but she was relaxed and healthy and she doesn't look gutted and heartbroken. Right?"
"She looks amazing, and she did seem pretty content. Not like the love of her life has been taken away or she made a huge mistake. She didn't see anything, did she?"
I nod slowly. "A bit, I think. I'm kind of... part of me is relieved. She was talking about dividing up property so I think that's her way of saying it's over. I wanted to ask, but I couldn't find the words. Probably should do that in private, anyway."
"You know I have a lot of respect for Tulia, she's someone I really admire, she has a lot of poise and grace. We can't know what's going on in her head, and I'm not really in a position to be objective, but I agree with you. I think she's doing ok, maybe she likes not fighting with you, too."
My chest constricts and I hate to admit it but I wanted her to miss me, to want me back even if it's impossible.
"I know you want more from me, Michelle. I can't... we literally just separated a matter of weeks ago. Not saying we can't date, but it would have to be a casual thing. You're gonna feel like the rebound girl and I don't-"
"Hey," she stops me with a hand on my chest and faces me, looking up at my face until I meet her eyes. "I know you, Seb. I know how our lives work. Why don't we just go out when we can and see where it goes? It's not like we'll be seeing a lot of each other in the near future."
"How does a movie on my couch sound as a starting point?"
"Perfect."
She reaches up on tippy toes to kiss my cheek and I drape an arm around her shoulders.