My stomach was in knots as soon as we hit the road. Not knowing what would become of our visit unsettled me. I didn't like the feeling of being without control and nervous. Gone were my calm and cool exterior and replaced with being timid and unsure. It wasn't like me at all and I hated to have to be so weak in front of Cree.
She sat beside me in the passenger seat not speaking but humming along to the radio. It was soothing, the only thing keeping me from really losing my shit.
"How's your dad?" I asked to avoid dwelling on Darnel.
Cree looked my way and shrugged. "Fine, I'll probably have to gain ten pounds this summer just to keep him off of my back while I'm away."
"He's just going to miss you."
Cree brought her attention to her lap. "He's not the only one. Tremaine and Troiann are doing a great job of making me feel guilty for leaving, but this is something I need, you know?"
I thought it was important she go as well, not that I wouldn't miss her smart mouth, but because she wanted to learn about her family. If there was a small part of me that wanted the same for myself, I would take it.
"It is the whole summer," I said. "Maybe you'll come back one week or two early?"
"I've got seventeen years to make up for, I doubt three months is enough, Dre."
Even if the news of her leaving was something I agreed with, I was slightly bummed she would be gone the whole summer. There were just way too many adventures to be had with all the free time at our hands.
"You're missing out," I said.
Cree clicked her tongue. "Oh, I'm sure I am."
"The things we do, Cree, it could be a movie."
"Fast cars, fast women, fast life."
"Pedal to the metal, baby."
Cree rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, I'm hoping for a summer romance while finding myself, something cliché instead of completely debauched."
Of course she did.
We had arrived at the university and my stomach sank.
"You can do this, DeAndre. Just tell him how you feel," Cree instructed as I found a place to park.
It should've been easy to just say how I felt about Darnel's distancing himself from us, but I was honestly scared. What if he were to take a cue from our mother and leave us behind as well? I wanted to blame Ashley, but I knew this was more of Darnel's doing than an outside influence.
"What if he doesn't want to come back?" I asked. I wasn't taught to be emotional or to express feelings, I was supposed to be strong, be a man, but I couldn't be hard when it came to my brother's continuing absence. Plus, Cree had cried in front of me, let down her walls and just bled open, she wanted to return the favor and be there for me as my world was crashing down and I had to do my best to let her in.
Cree turned and faced me. She did something I wouldn't let anyone but family do. She reached out and caressed my cheek. "Honestly, DeAndre, from what you and Devonte have told me, I don't think Darnel's an idiot. And only an idiot would walk away from you and your brother, especially when you need him."
Something about her words. Something about her touch gave me the courage to get out of the car.
After going up to his dorm room and finding no one there, we were prepared to head out and scavenge through the campus in search for him. But luck was on our side, because before we could leave the dorm we bumped into Darnel and the girl from the photo, Ashley.
They stopped in front of us, both taking Cree and me in from head to toe.
Darnel sighed and looked around at all the people carrying bags and boxes from the dorm. Classes were out and people were moving. He had no excuse of class or exams to hold him back.
I shoved my hands into my pockets, feeling like a little boy and as though Darnel was a giant in comparison. " 'Nel."
He shook his head. "Must be my lucky day with all these visitors and all." He looked over at Ashley and back to me. "I've got a lot of packing to do, Dre, we'll talk later."
For a moment I was frozen and nearly okay with his words, but then Cree spoke up for me.
"Oh no, we did not sit in a car for two hours just for that wack ass excuse," she said. "We're not leaving."
Darnel faced Cree, lifting a curious brow. Ashley as well.
Ashley stepped to the side. "Okay, I've had enough of this drama." She pointed to Darnel. "Enough with the bullshit, Darnel, you're going to talk to your brother and that's it. It needs to be done." She grabbed Cree's hand and pulled her away. "We're going outside to watch the football team load furniture and boxes. Maybe one of us will faint in the hopes of them lifting us up."
Cree's eyes grew wide. "I volunteer for that."
Ashley snorted as they made their way to the exit. "Not if I don't fake a seizure first."
Together they were out the door as Darnel and I stood watching.
Those two together was definitely trouble.
"Nice to see who wears the pants in your relationship, not that I hadn't suspected already," I said as I faced my oldest brother.
Darnel scowled. "Speak for yourself. Since when does my baby brother need a girl to speak for him?"
"I don't and we're not together."
"Enough of all that," he let it go, "you didn't come all this way to talk about who you're not seeing."
We migrated over to the sitting area where we had full view of the girls through the large bay windows. They were talking and watching the football team remove furniture and boxes from the dorm. Together Cree and Ashley looked like sisters, both with their big natural curly hair, slim figures, and matching heights. The only difference was Cree's light brown skin against Ashley's brown. Both were pretty. Yeah, they definitely could pass for sisters.
"I love the curves of a black woman, there's nothing like it. Their bodies, their faces, their hair, their attitude, their intelligence, their resilience, nothing beats it." Darnel watched as Cree and Ashley talked and I could see everything he'd said in both girls. "There's nothing sexier than a brown skinned woman, especially when she's holding you down."
Cree was wearing a pair of shorts with a t-shirt that hugged her torso. Ashley was wearing a striped black and white dress that did nothing but insinuate her curves and with its deep V-cut, her perky breasts were out to impress as well.
"I hear you," I agreed.
"Some days I'm ashamed to admit I'm afraid of her." Darnel looked at Ashley, but there was nothing but love and adoration in his eyes. "She's tough, quick to argue and state how she feels. She's honest and vibrant and just genuinely strong. When I first met her I was with my boys and she was ignoring us, twisting up her pretty little face and I thought she was stuck-up. She wouldn't even say hello to us when we greeted her." He tossed me a smile. "It's always the ones you don't think you want that you end up chasing after. Something about being told that you can't have them sets you off to prove some macho point and before you know it..."
He didn't have to finish, because it was evident he approached Ashley like the same old Darnel who used to sneak girls into our house and send them home in cabs. At one point, Darnel was just like Devonte and my boys, but now, he'd caught it bad and I almost couldn't blame him because Ashley had substance to keep him on his toes. Girls who only had their looks to offer got old, quickly.
"Yeah," I said, "except when they're trying to change you."
Darnel looked my way. "Every decision I've made thus far has been on me, not her. She doesn't like basketball, but she's never told me to quit playing or second guess myself. Ashley's not like that."
"Really?" So the decision to leave us behind really was all on him?
"Yes, really. You're too late, Dre."
"What do you mean?"
"Dad was just here," Darnel said, "and he tried his take at changing my mind and—"
"You're not coming home?"
He shook his head. "No, I'm not."
I hadn't expected things to go this way. I hadn't expected it to hurt so much. It was easy to not give a fuck about things in my life, but when it came to my family, my brothers, it was impossible.
I stood from the chair and faced him. "So that's it, huh? This is how you're going to end things between us?"
Darnel snorted, shaking his head as he looked down at the ground. "Stop being so dramatic, Dre."
"You're my brother!" I snapped. "What the fuck do you mean?"
"What about me?" Darnel shouted as he stood and got in my face. "All you care about is basketball, just like him. Open up your fucking eyes, there is a whole world out there beyond ball. Why do you think I call Devonte more than you, why do you think I need space? You're just like him and I don't need that right now."
I wanted to hit him. Hurt him like he was hurting me. But my fist lay heavy at my side. He was blaming me and our father for his distance. He was saying he wanted space, from me.
I backed away, holding up my hands. "So sorry for coming here to talk to you about basketball. So sorry I drove two fuckin' hours to talk to you about playing ball in the winter. So sorry basketball is the reason why I worry you don't call so much. So sorry that basketball is the reason I don't want you to disappear like she did. So fucking sorry, Darnel!"
He winced and took a step towards me, but I kept my distance. "Dre..."
"No, fuck you. Okay, I may care about basketball, but it has nothing to do with him. I love it on my own, just like we said in that interview. It's not the reason I'm here. I came to see you because you're my brother and I need you. If you don't play, yes, it's weird and different, but if not that's on you. It'll just be something I'll have to understand on my own, but for you to just back off? Fuck you."
"You didn't give me a choice!"
"Don't blame me for what you're doing. Just as easily as it was for you to go ghost, you could've picked up the phone and told me how you felt instead of hiding like a little bitch."
Darnel stalked over until he was in my face, bumping his chest against mine. He hit the hardest and then Devonte. It would either be an ass-beating, or a full-out brawl between us. "All I've heard from you this past year is the same thing I'm hearing for him. How's ball, 'Nel? How many points did you average this year, 'Nel? How are the scouts, 'Nel? Don't forget about the draft, 'Nel. One day we'll all be in the NBA, 'Nel. It's like what about me? What about my classes? My day? My girl?"
He snorted and smirked. "But of course in this family you're not supposed to care about anything or anyone that's not associated with basketball."
I didn't understand how he could go from being the best player at our school and loving every second of it to being the person standing in front of me, the person who looked sick of it all. If it wasn't Ashley, it was something.
"I don't get it, okay? This is not the same Darnel that left for school last fall. You loved ball, you can't blame me or Dad for asking about it. You're the one who pulled a 180 and said nothing. You're standing here and acting like you were verbal on your doubts, instead you said nothing and expect for us to just ride out with this sudden change."
"It wasn't sudden." Darnel dropped his attitude and sighed, taking a step back. "One day I was with Ashley and she asked me why I loved basketball, why it was so important, just to ask, you know? And the thing is, I didn't have an answer that was my own. I played through Dad, and then I got good, but it wasn't like it was all on me. I thought it was my passion, but then I wasn't sure anymore. People like me for basketball, not for me, and it started to take a toll on me.
"You, you're lucky. You've got your friends who genuinely like you. Tremaine doesn't even like going to games, but he does because he's your friend. Marcus thinks it's boring and Chris doesn't even think Dad's all that as a player. With me, it was all about stats and the girls and my image. When I got here I made real friends, people who like Darnel Parker, whoever that is." He ran a hand over his head, scratching. "I just need some time to really think about how I feel about basketball. I need a year off to decide if I wanna play or not."
It would be different if he didn't play basketball any more, but it would be worse if he didn't come around at all.
"Look, 'Nel, you're my brother, and for me, it wasn't about basketball, it was about you. When shit goes down I know I can talk to you and you'll be there. Devonte's the fun and reckless one, and there's you, the smart, serious one. If you don't wanna play ball, it'll be weird, but I won't hold it against you. Just don't shut me out. I didn't know our mother, but I know you and I can't have you leave me, too."
Darnel reached out and hugged me tight, patting my back and giving me a squeeze. "Never."
We separated and calmed down from the previous tension.
Even if he wasn't going to play ball for a year, I had a feeling he'd still be shooting around and having a few games with Devonte and me, it wouldn't make sense if he didn't. If he didn't want to, maybe we'd try something else to do to bond. Who knew?
"I'm sorry," Darnel said. "I just thought you weren't going to support me on who I was trying to be. I wanna find myself for me, and I just thought you only cared about the same guy everyone else cared about."
It would be different, but as long as I had my brother it was all that mattered. "I support my brothers, regardless."
Darnel furnished a smile. "I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that."
With things squared away, I couldn't help but wonder. "So, you're still not coming home?"
Darnel shook his head. "No."
"But—"
"I need space, Dre. Time to focus on me and what I want."
"So you're moving in with Ashley?"
"Hell no, her mom and dad raised her better than that. Dad may have been an ass and given me an ultimatum, but he's not really ready to let me go. He said he'd pay for an apartment just as long as I came home often."
"I don't get it."
"Dad didn't think I'd stand this strong on my quitting ball for a year, but I am. He's not really for it, but seeing how he's not in the position to lose any more people, he's agreeing to let me decide, just as long as it's my decision solely."
"Will you at least be in Akron?" I didn't want to endure driving two hours just to see him each visit.
"We're negotiating," Darnel said. "He got me a nice suite though."
Our father was being an asshole for trying to force Darnel into playing ball when he was unsure, but at least he wasn't really going to put him out on the streets.
"So what's Ashley like?" I asked as I returned to looking outside. Cree and Ashley were still gawking at the big football players.
"Like I said, she's tough," said Darnel. "Strong, opinionated. I swear she wrote a paper on black power for English Comp II."
I whistled. "Sorta sounds like you're dating Cree."
"Speaking of that, you sure you're just...?"
"We're just best friends, 'Nel."
"Best friends?" Darnel stared out at Cree. "Not only does she hold you down and ride with you for two hours to see me, she argues for you when I try to brush you off. Yet you're just 'best friends'?"
"You act like one of the boys wouldn't have done it."
"It's different, Dre."
I rolled my eyes. "It's not like that. Besides, 'I can't have her.' "
Darnel lifted a brow. "Says who? From what I remember at Moorehead, there weren't that many girls you couldn't have."
"Cree and everyone else swear it would never happen." I shrugged. "I don't see her that way anyway."
Darnel looked like he wanted to say something but he didn't.
"We good, Dre?" he asked instead.
"Just as long as I get to see you more."
"I'll be better about that, I promise. And this doesn't mean we can't talk about basketball, I know it's important to you and you love it, we can still shoot around with 'Te, too."
That made it all better. At least things wouldn't be too different. With the beef solved, we headed outside to the girls. They'd clearly hit it off and were too busy to notice us for a moment.
"Oh, hey, they made up." Cree smiled over to Darnel and me, as did Ashley.
"About time," she said.
Darnel went and pulled Ashley into his side. "I know." He faced Cree and stuck out his hand. "I'm sorry about my rudeness before. I'm Darnel Parker, Dre's oldest brother."
Cree shook his hand. "Cree Jacobs, DeAndre's personal bodyguard."
Ashley and Darnel found this funny while I didn't.
"Ashley this is my youngest brother, DeAndre," Darnel said as he introduced us next.
Ashley smiled over to me. "He's not as scary as you made him out to be."
I frowned. "I'm disappointed my reputation doesn't precede me."
Darnel rolled his eyes. "He's a good kid."
"Definitely as handsome as the rest of the Parkers," Ashley admired.
Cree looked at me and then at Darnel, probably judging the resemblance and forming her own opinion on our attractiveness.
"I'm kinda hungry. Does anyone want to get Chinese?" Ashley suggested, looking between the three of us.
Darnel nodded. "I could eat."
"We actually have to get back," I began to say. It was already late and I didn't want to keep Cree longer than I needed to.
"Actually, Chinese sounds amazing." Cree looked at me and lifted a brow as a look that read 'try me' washed across her face. "Yes. I can go for some Shrimp Lo Mein and so can Dre."
I never let anyone tell me what to do, but something about Cree's voice and her face told me not to push her.
I looked to my brother and Ashley and shrugged. "I guess we're getting Chinese."
Cree had her hand on her stomach and was moaning a little.
"Ugh, who let me eat all that food?" she asked.
"I told you that was a large amount to buy, hence why we shared. You ate like five forkfuls and then that soda and now look at you, oh and don't forget the eggrolls."
Cree glared at me. "Why are you counting my food intake? Did my dad tell you to spy on me?"
"No, I'm just very...observant." I kept my eyes forward as I drove us home. The dinner had been fun and Ashley was definitely another version of Cree, after a while I couldn't help but get the two confused. When they started debating, both Darnel and I shared the same look of helplessness. Even if girlfriends weren't my thing, I liked Ashley. I liked that Darnel seemed happy with her and that she didn't really seem out to change him.
"I like Ashley," said Cree.
"Of course you do."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You guys are exactly alike."
This fact didn't bother Cree. "Hey, your brother's got good taste."
Ashley's attitude and demeanor was attractive, and she was beautiful. Darnel hadn't messed-up at all by hooking up with her.
"Hold on We're Going Home" was playing on the radio and Cree began singing along and doing a silly dance with it.
I shook my head. "You sound awful."
Cree stuck her tongue out. "Just hold on, Dre, we're going home."
She was being corny, helping ease the rest of the afternoon. In that moment I was thankful for her, for what she had done out of the goodness of her heart and for the sake of our friendship. Darnel was right about Cree, she'd held it down and rode with me to go and see him. Something she didn't have to do.
"Thanks," I said, "for making me do that."
Cree gave me a goofy smile. "Would you have done it for Troiann?"
I rolled my eyes. "Shut up."
"Would you have done it for Trey?"
I didn't want to laugh but I did. "Cree."
She laughed and shoved me. "No problem."
She reached out and held my hand, squeezing slightly.
It was new to hold hands, but it was Cree so I let it go. I held onto her hand, squeezing back gently.
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"Hold on, We're Going Home" – Drake