'Hey just got home, mom and dad didn't mind that I was home a little later than usual.' I get a text from Lyndsey while I'm cleaning up my studio, there was still a little blood on the floor and on my punching bag.
'Thanks for apologizing to your parents for me.' I text back
'No problem, I'm going to take a shower, I'll text you again before I go to sleep.' She texts back again. It's a good idea of her to take a shower and I decide that I should also take one. I got a little worked up during our make out session and it will help me cool off a little. I put my cleaning stuff away and get ready for a shower. I take off the bandages and see that Lyndsey did a really great job on cleaning my wounds. When I get under the shower, I wince a little when the water hits the cuts. I didn't react when Lyndsey put the disinfectant on it because I didn't want to seem weak and I guess the pain meds I take for my leg were still working a little. Now they're slowly fading off, my leg is starting to hurt more than usual and now my knuckles are also hurting.
When I get out of the shower, I take a couple pain meds and wrap some bandages around my hands again. I decide to take my laptop to my bed with me and work there a little more because it's more comfortable.
After a while of working my phone starts ringing and I see it's Lyndsey calling me
"Hey beautiful." I say, answering the phone.
"Hey are you busy?" She asks
"No just preparing a little for Monday, what's up?" I ask her, curious to why she's calling
"Oh I can call you back when you're done if you want." She answers
"No no it's fine." I respond
"Okay well I was talking with the boys and they want to celebrate tomorrow. They were saying that I owe them because they had to listen to us on the phone so they wanted me to ask you if you are willing to host a small party because you have your own apartment and they also want you to cook for them because I've been bragging too much about how good your cooking skills are. I know you have to leave on Monday and probably still have to prepare so you can always say no, don't feel like you have to say yes." She rambles pretty quick
"If I understood your cute rambling correctly you are asking me to host a party?" I ask her, laughing a bit at how cute she sounded
"Yeah kind of, you can say no if it's too difficult." She says
"Okay, I'll do it." I respond
"Really?" She asks surprised
"Of course, I want to celebrate that my talented girlfriend just won the ernie ball contest. I know I said it before but I'm really proud of you, you really deserve it." I say
"Thanks." She responds a little shy
"And it's a chance to show off my cooking skills, apparently they are worth bragging about." I say, teasing her
"Yes they are." She says
"Okay so for how many people am I going to cook and throw a party?" I ask her
"They also asked if you wanted to ask the band and I guess Brian would like to bring his girlfriend and maybe Alex would also like to bring someone and Tay also wanted to come so let's say twelve just to be sure." She says
"Wow that's a lot of people to impress." I say, actually getting a little nervous
"You can still say no if it's too difficult." She says
"No it's just I've never cooked for so many people." I say
"You'll do great, don't worry and I'll help you." She responds
"Okay but I'm only letting you cut things." I say, teasing her again
"I'm fine with that, I know I'm not a good cook. What do you need from the store? Tay and I already said we would go buy some booze, we can also buy the food." She says
"You're buying alcohol? You're both under twenty-one, how are going to do that?" I ask
"I have a fake ID." She says
"Oh no I'm not letting you use that, it's already bad enough that I'm allowing you guys to drink. I'll come with you to the grocery store, let's say around noon so we have enough time to prepare the food." I say
"Okay, we'll pick you up. I'll see you tomorrow, good night Alexa." She says
"Sleep tight Lyndsey." I respond and we end our phone call.
I keep working because my leg is killing me and I know I can't sleep like this. After a while the pain from my knuckles on top of that from leg is getting too much and I take more pain meds. My mind is getting a little drowsy and I can't focus that well anymore so I stop working. I take my note book and I write the date and hour on the top right corner, like I always do. I start thinking about everything that has happened lately and let my emotions flow through my pen onto the paper.
If I was stronger then, things would be different now
And I could change the words and all the fights we had
And I could live with the guilt that I buried out back
And forget all the times that I let you down
Spent at least three years counting the days wanting the feeling to just go away,
Take it away, because I can't stay
All that I do is try to exist and see the light through this eclipse
Oh how I try
The months they pass
The seasons change
Yet I'm still a slave
A slave to the same old putrid things
I thought I'd broken these chains, but they will always remain.
I need some closure, I need to move forward.
I need to prove to myself I'm not that fragile like I once was.
But every time I try, it's all so temporarily
Oh how I try
I'm fucking sick of feeling like I need to prove myself,
My patience is wearing thin
If I open my eyes, can you promise me that the darkness is gone
And the light will return to our world, return to my eyes
I look at my nightstand where there stands a clock and I see that's already five am. I write it down on the right bottom corner of the page and close my book. It takes a while before I fall asleep but when I finally do I'm dreaming about the night that I left home.
I wake up at nine and struggle to get out of bed because I'm still tired. I sit up and immediately take a pain killer, this is going to be a hard day of pretending everything is fine. My leg and knuckles hurt and my mind keeps repeating what happened yesterday. I put on the prosthetic and let out of big sigh before getting up to get dressed. I'm not in the mood to make breakfast so I decide to walk to the coffee shop.
After the twenty minute walk I get inside the coffee shop and sit down in a booth with a window. The waitress comes over and I order some eggs with bacon. While I eat I stare outside the window, looking at the people walking by and the park across the street.
"Mommy can we sit here?" I hear a little girl say pretty close to where I'm sitting
"No Ava let the lady eat in peace." Someone else says and suddenly I feel a little tap on my leg
"Miss can we please sit with you?" The little girl says when I look down at her. She has long curly brown hair and big blue pleading eyes. I see a woman who looks just like the little girl standing behind her and she mouths sorry.
"How can I say no to such a sweet request? Of course you can, come sit." I say patting the space next to me. She crawls on the seat with a little struggle but she gets on it eventually and her mother sits across from us.
"What do you say now?" The mother asks her
"Thank you." The cute girl says looking up at me
"No problem, so do you have a name?" I ask her and she shakes her head
"You don't have a name?" I ask her surprised
"No." She says, shaking her head again with a big smile. She's trying not to laugh but she's quietly giggling
"Your mommy didn't give you a name?" I ask, playing along and look shocked
"No I'm special." She says looking proud
"Okay but how should I call you? Should I just call you special girl?" I ask her and she giggles again
"Yes." She says, nodding excited
"How about you let her choose a name, you can't live without a name." Her mother says
"Yes I can, I'm special." The little girl says, crossing her arms and pouting. Suddenly the waitress is back and asks for their order.
"For me a toast please and some pancakes for miss special." Her mother says and the little girl's smile is back.
"And how old is miss special?" I ask her and she's giggling again.
"I'm five." She says after thinking for a couple of seconds and sticks up her hand and holds up her fingers
"Oh you're just starting school?" I ask her and she nods
"My teacher says I'm smart." She says with a proud smile
"I've noticed that you're really smart." I say
"Shouldn't you also ask her name and age?" Her mother says, the child nods and looks at me, waiting to respond
"My name is Alexa and I'm twenty-three years old." I respond
"You're old, just like mommy, she's really old." She says and I laugh a little
"Ava I'm not that old." Her mother scolds a little
"Mooom, you just said my name." The little girl pouts
"It's okay, you'll always be special to me." I say, tickling her a little to make her smile again and she immediately starts laughing.
"Hi I'm Sarah and for the record I'm only twenty-seven." Her mother says, sticking out her hand and I shake it
"Hi it's nice to meet you." I respond and take my hand back
"What happened to your hands?" Ava asks and I see her mother looking curious at me
"I worked out a little too hard and was stupid because I didn't use my gloves." I say and Ava takes my hands to look at them.
"There now everything is better." She says and places a little kiss on top of the bandages.
We talk and play around a little more and I forget about how much my leg and knuckles were killing me. After a while Ava asks if I want to go play with them in the park and I go along. She likes going down the slide but someone always has to go with her and place her between their legs. Sarah and I take turn going down the slide with Ava and after a couple of times we try to encourage her to do it alone
"Come on special girl, you can do it alone. Mommy is going to come with you until the top and I'll wait here at the end to catch you." I say
"Okay." She nods but looks a little unsure. Sarah takes her hand and they go up the stairs. She sits down but starts shaking her head and doesn't want to go down.
"You can do it." I say
"Mommy will get you a chocolate milk if you do it." Sarah says and Ava's eyes light up. She slides down and when she's at the end I pick her up.
"You did it." I say, spinning around with Ava laughing in my arms
"You okay with looking at her for a bit while I get us some chocolate milk?" Sarah asks me and I nod.
"You want to go again?" I ask, putting Ava back down
"No." She says shaking her head
"What do you want to do?" I ask her
"Tag you're it." She says tapping my leg and running away
"Oh I'm going to get you." I shout and slowly run after her. We keep chasing each other until I see her going behind the slide to hide and I pretend I can't see her.
"Where did my special girl go?" I ask, pretending I don't know and turn around to look the other way.
"Hey I'm sorry but I think I lost Ava." I say when Sarah gets back with 3 cups of chocolate milk and I subtly point behind me so she knows I didn't really lose her.
"Oh no but who's going to drink this third cup of chocolate milk that was meant to be for her?" She asks playing along
"I'll drink it." I say
"No no I'm here." Ava yells while running towards us
"Please don't drink my chocolate milk." She pleads, I look down and see that she's hugging my prosthetic.
"There you are. I was so worried, I thought I lost you forever. You're really good at hiding." I say picking her up, hugging her really hard and she giggles.
"Alexa why is your leg so hard?" She asks me
"Well it's a secret." I say, putting her back down and she start pouting
"Can you keep a secret?" I ask her, bending down so I'm at her eye level and she starts nodding really hard.
"Okay I'll show you." I say and slowly lift up my pants a little.
"You're a robot." She says with a gasp and big surprised eyes.
"Shht not so loud." I say, putting my finger over my mouth.
"Yes but only for a small part, only my leg." I say and she still looks at me with big eyes
"How?" She asks
"Let's sit down on the bench, shall we? Alexa can tell you all about it while we drink our chocolate milk." Sarah says and hands Ava and I our cups. Ava immediately runs to the bench, jumps on it and starts sipping of her chocolate milk.
"I'm sorry, you really don't have to tell her." Sarah says while we're walking to the bench.
"It's okay, she's just a little kid." I respond and we sit down with Ava between us. Ava looks up at me and waits for me to start explaining.
"How are you part robot?" She asks again, not patient enough to wait until I've taking a sip.
"I lost my leg and some very smart people made this robot leg for me." I say
"They helped you walk again?" She asks
"Yes, you really are very smart." I say and she smiles really big.
"Am I as smart as those people who made the robot leg?" She asks
"Almost, pay enough attention in class and you will become even smarter." I answer
"Mommy when I'm older I want to be one us those people that make robot legs." She says looking back at Sarah
"That's great honey." Sarah responds, giving her a small kiss on her head.
My phone starts ringing, I take it out and see that Lyndsey is calling me.
"Who is that?" Ava asks, pointing at the picture of Lyndsey smiling at the camera.
"That's my girlfriend Lyndsey." I respond
"Ava you can go play some more, let Alexa take her phone call." Sarah says lifting Ava off the bench and putting her down. Ava runs back to the playground and I answer my phone.
"Hey beautiful." I say like I usually do when Lyndsey calls me
"Hey where are you? Tay and I are at your place to pick you up." Lyndsey says
"Shit I'm sorry I completely forgot, I'm at the park right now." I respond
"We'll pick you up there, it's on our way to the store anyway." Lyndsey says
"Okay, thanks, see you in a bit." I say and end the phone call
"So girlfriend?" Sarah asks
"Yeah, I hope you don't have a problem with me telling Ava." I say, knowing that some parents are pretty homophobic and don't want their kids to know stuff like that.
"No definitely not, I was actually thinking about asking your number but you're clearly taken." She responds
"Oh." I say, blushing a little
"It's just that you are so great with Ava and it's hard to find someone when you're a single parent." She says
"Yeah I can imagine." I respond
"It's a little strange to ask a twenty-tree year old this, you probably already have a job but would you like to babysit her sometime? She clearly likes you." She asks
"Yes I would love to, she's an amazing kid. I'll give you my number." I say
"Still got you to give your number." She says, handing her phone and we laugh.
"I'll have to go in a bit, Lyndsey is coming to pick me up." I say
"Oh okay." She says and yells at Ava to come back.
"Hey special girl I'll have to go in a bit." I say and she starts pouting
"Why?" She asks with a sad voice
"Lyndsey is going to come pick me up." I answer
"Okay so you won't be lonely anymore?" She asks
"No, is that why you wanted to sit with me?" I ask her and she nods
"That's very sweet of you. Do you want to take a picture with me?" I ask her
"Yes!" She shouts jumping up and down and climbs back on the bench between Sarah and I
"Mommy also has to be in it." She says
"Okay let's do a silly face." I say, sticking out my arm to take a selfie and Sarah and I lean a little closer to Ava. We all stick out our tongue and I take the picture. I quickly write something with it and post it on Instagram
"What did you write with it?" Sarah asks
"Met these two amazing people today, the special girl in the middle brightened up my day." I say and Ava looks proud of herself.
"You want to go back down the slide together until I have to go?" I ask Ava and she jumps down, taking my hand and pulls me towards the slide. We go down the slide a couple of times together with her between my legs and we're both laughing. We get ready to go again when I see Lyndsey walking over the grass, coming closer.
"Okay special girl this is going to be the last time." I say while putting her between my legs.
"See that girl over there, that's my girlfriend." I say, pointing at Lyndsey
"She's pretty, I think I also like girls, boys are gross." She says making a disgusted face and I laugh really hard before pushing us down.
"I had a really great time with you today, thanks for keeping me company." I say bending down to her eye level again
"No problem, I like you, you're also special." She says and wraps her tiny arms around my neck
"Now go back to your mommy, special girl." I say ruffling her hair and standing up. I watch her run up to Sarah and wave at them before going to Lyndsey. She's wearing a scarf, which is pretty strange because it's not that cold but she pulls off the look.
"That was so cute." Lyndsey says before I even got to say hello
"Hey" I say, giving her a kiss on the cheek. I turn back around to wave again before we start walking and I take Lyndsey's hand in mine.
"Should I be worried that you forgot about me while you were with another pretty girl?" She asks playfully and I laugh
"Maybe you should, she's amazing." I say with a grin
"Oh really?" She asks, pretending to look mad
"And very smart, she called you pretty and I completely agree with her." I say, giving her another kiss on the cheek and she starts smiling again. We get into the car, Lyndsey in the passenger seat next to Tay and I sit in the middle of the backseat.
"Hey Tay." I say
"You owe me a couple of hours of sleep." She responds, glaring at me through her rear view window
"What? Why?" I ask confused and I hear Lyndsey laugh a little
"Because of you, this one over here called me way to early, just to ask how to cover these up." She says and pulls down Lyndsey's scarf. My eyes immediately go wide at what I see. Lyndsey has a couple of bruises on her neck, some are a dark shade and others are barely visible. They begin right under her jaw and they go down under shirt. It looks really hot to see Lyndsey's neck full with hickeys that I left.
"Hey keep your hands on the wheel." Lyndsey says, swatting away Tay's hand and puts her scarf back on like it was before. She looks over her shoulder at me and grins when she notices the shocked expression on my face.
"I'm glad you two finally did the deed but please keep the eye fucking to a minimum." Tay says
"We didn't do anything like that." I immediately respond and Lyndsey looks back in front of her.
"Really?" She asks
"Yes really." I answer, annoyed
"I don't believe that, I bet those hickeys go a lot lower than just the collar of her shirt." Tay says, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Okay yes, there was a shirt removed but nothing else happened." I say
"Why am I even telling you this? You don't need to know things like that." I say, this time annoyed at myself
"Because you know that I will get it out of you eventually and you secretly love telling me stuff like that. Remember when you and Lau..." She stars saying
"That's enough, we get it Tay." I cut her off and glare at her through her rear view mirror. She looks back at me and immediately changes the subject to the food that we have to buy. When I stop glaring at Tay, I see Lyndsey looking curious at me. I ignore it and tell Tay what we can't forget to buy.
After we got everything from the store, Tay drops Lyndsey and I off at my place. She still got to do something before she could come to the party.
We drop the bags at the table in the kitchen and I start putting everything in the fridge.
"Can I already start cutting something for you, chef?" Lyndsey asks and hops on the counter next to the fridge
"No not yet, we don't have to start in a while." I answer
"Okay, I'm glad I get to see you again before you have to leave." Lyndsey says
"Oh really? Why is that?" I tease
"Because I'm going to miss you." She responds while I put the last thing away.
"Are you sure? I seem to be causing a little trouble." I say, putting my hands on her knees to open her legs a little so I can stand between them and I tug at her scarf. She laughs and puts her arms around my neck.
"Of course I'm going to miss you and especially the trouble you cause." She says, pulling me closer and kisses me. Her hands travel upwards and into my hair. I slowly slide my hands up her thighs and I feel her smile into the kiss. When we break apart, we put our foreheads against each other.
"I'm going to miss you too." I say and give her another peck.
"This has to go." I say, pulling off her scarf and throwing it on the table.
"Why?" She asks, smirking a little
"So I can do this." I say and give her a small kiss on her neck before wrapping my arms around her waist and bury my nose into her neck. I let out a small sigh and close my eyes.
"You pull of my scarf to cuddle?" She asks, laughing
"Yes, now shut up and cuddle me." I say and she laughs again. She wraps her legs around my waist and puts her arms back around my neck. She slowly starts tracing patterns on the back of my neck and it feels so comfortable.
"You comfy?" She asks and I hum and nod in response. She gives me a kiss on the top of my head and lays down her head on mine. She keeps tracing patterns and I slowly feel myself dozing off.
"Are you okay?" Lyndsey asks after a while
"Yeah, just sleepy." I respond, pulling back a little and blink with my eyes.
"Couldn't sleep?" She asks, still tracing patterns on my neck
"No." I say, shaking my head a little
"I've actually started writing again, it's been a while since I've written something." I say
"That's good." She responds and I wait for when she will ask to read it.
"You're not going to ask to read it?" I ask after waiting a couple minutes.
"No I know what it's like to share what you write. Some people don't understand that we write to deal with the things that we are going through. We write down everything we feel and when we share that, we share a piece of ourselves and that can be pretty terrifying." She says and I don't know what to respond because I've never had someone that understood me so much.
"You are amazing." I say, cupping her face with one hand and bring her closer to give her a kiss.
"You keep saying that." She says with a big smile
"Because it's true." I respond and bury my nose back in her neck.
"Come on, I know how to wake you up." She says, pulling away from me and pushes me a little so she can jump off the counter. I pout a little and she laughs.
"You're really cute today." She says, giving me a kiss on my forehead and she takes out her phone. She puts on some music and starts dancing.
"Come on dance with me." She says, taking my hands in hers and swings with them from left to right. I start moving a little but it feels weird to just start dancing in my kitchen in the middle of the day.
"God you really are a grandma, you are so stiff, loosen up a little." She says, putting her hands on my hips and moves them.
"This is just not my music." I say as an excuse
"Okay you can pick the music." She responds, handing me her phone.
"Prepare for some real dancing." I say. I put on you're the one I want from grease and lay her phone on the counter. She recognizes it immediately and she starts laughing. I act like I'm combing my hair back and straighten my shirt. I start swaying my hips just like Danny did and when he sings 'it's electrifying' I act like I got electrocuted. I start walking towards her with my hips swaying and she finally stops laughing, she starts singing with Sandy and she puts her hand over my chest, keeping me from walking closer. We start walking back again and act out the rest of the scene until right before the chorus start. I take her hands and twirl her around when they sing 'you're the one I want'. She laughs again and when she's stopped twirling I take both her hands and start rock and roll dancing with her. We both keep laughing and singing through the whole song
"You're just full of surprises, aren't you?" She laughs when the song is finished.
"I'm just starting." I say and take her phone again
"What else do you have in store for me?" She asks and I dramatically turn back around and put on time of my life from dirty dancing. I reenact the first 30 seconds from the scene and I take the lead for the rest of the dance. I sometimes bend her over or twirl her around and she laughs every time.
"This is certainly not what I was expecting to walk into when you guys weren't answering the dour." I suddenly hear Tay say and Lyndsey and I are both shocked from the sudden intrusion.
"What the hell Tay." I say and step away from Lyndsey. She takes back her phone and stops the music.
"What? You didn't answer your door so I took your spare key. You guys don't have to stop for me, you can keep going." She says smirking a little
"No no we have to start on the food anyway." I say and start taking the food out of the fridge
"Oh come on, you're skipping the best part. I want to see if you can still do the lift." Tay says and pouts a little
"You can do the lift?" Lyndsey asked surprised
"Yeah but we are not doing it." I respond and Lyndsey starts to pout. She walks closer to me, wraps her arms around my neck and keeps looking cute at me. How can I say no to such a cute face?
"Maybe later." I whisper in her ear so Tay won't hear.
"Can you start cutting while Tay and I go make place and get everything ready in the living room?" I ask Lyndsey, she nods and I give her a kiss before I walk away with Tay.
"You take that end of the couch and we'll drag it against the wall." I say pointing to where Tay has to lift up the couch. When we put it back down, she sits down on it with a big huff.
"Hey there is more stuff to do, don't think you'll get out of helping this time." I say
"Can I ask you something?" She asks unsure and it looks pretty serious because she keeps her head down and fumbles with her hands.
"Of course." I say sitting next to her. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out, she tries a couple times but she always stops after the first word.
"Hey it's okay, take your time. You don't have to rush it. I'm here for you whatever it is." I say, laying my hand on her knee and she finally looks up at me.
"How did you know?" She asks
"Know what?" I ask her, not sure what she's trying to ask
"That you like girls." She responds pretty quiet and turns her head back down.
"Oh." I respond a little surprised
"Well I just always had a feeling, when I thought about being with a guy it just didn't feel right. At the time I thought that I wasn't ready for a relationship. When my friends started dating guys, I tried but I didn't feel that same attraction they were always talking about. I never really thought I was gay until I saw a two ladies walking hand in hand down the road and that's when it clicked that I could be gay." I say and she just hums in response.
"Look some people always knew but some people find out later. They meet someone of the same sex that they for some reason can't stop thinking about and always want to be around. You think you like that girl you told me about?" I ask her and she nods, still keeping her head down.
"I can't tell you how you feel but do you always want to be around her and can't stop thinking about her?" I ask her and she nods again
"And you love hearing her laugh? You would do anything to make her laugh?" I ask, she nods and finally looks up at me
"You think about how beautiful she is and how cute her smile is and how you don't know why but she always makes you happy?" I ask her
"Yeah she's always on my mind." She responds slowly and I can see that she's thinking about her right now because there is a small smile on her face.
"To me it sounds like you have feelings for her but like I said before only you can know this." I say
"But what if this is all just a phase? What if I'm not gay? I've dated guys before and it didn't feel wrong." She says
"You know there is more than just gay or straight right?" I ask her playfully to lighten the mood a little and she laughs a little.
"Don't worry too much about it and if you're ready just try it Tay. If it turns out you don't like her there's nothing wrong with that, at least you have tried and you know for sure. But please talk to her about it, let her know about how you've never done this before and are still questioning everything but want to try to find out what you're feeling. She deserves to know what she's getting into." I tell her
"Okay thanks Alexa." She says and I give her a hug
"I thought you already talked to Lyndsey about her because you said that she thought I was the girl and that you broke us up because you were jealous." I say
"I only told her that there was this girl that I thought was really hot and joked about that I would go gay for her. I just didn't know that it would actually be true." She responds and we both laugh.
"You want to ask her to come here, don't you?" I ask her when I see her deep in thought.
"Yeah." She answers shy
"Call your girl and ask her to come over so I can judge if she's good enough for you." I say and stand up to walk to the kitchen.
"Please be nice to her." Tay says
"Don't worry I won't do anything." I respond,walking into the kitchen.
A/N:
I used some lyrics to make the text Alexa wrote, here are the songs that I used:
Vaultry - Walls
Sirens - In Retrospect
Carry On Kid - Fallen
Ambleside - Tired Eyes
Burning Down Alaska - Phantoms
Go check out those bands, they are really good. I would love to find some new bands that make the same kind of music so if you listen to the same genre, please leave some suggestions.