I hope this isn't too late...
Hope you like it!!
Connor's P.O.V.
The boys stayed a little longer to look after Shawn and Hayes. Hayes had a break down, because he felt terrible for what he did to Shawn. He had fallen asleep a little later. I took my car, plugged in my phone and put on some good music.
When I got home, I stood still in front of a shut door. The house seems quiet, but I know how loud it can be. I take out my keys and unlock the door. Entering the house, I look around. I close the door behind me and stay still. I lean my head against the door while holding onto the doorknob. I want to scream and get everything out.
I finally let go of the doorknob and walked into the living room. I took off my coat and dumped it on the ground. I emptied out my pockets on the table and sat down on the couch. I look at my hands and fumble with my fingers. I listen intently to every sound, which is nothing. It's completely silent. I imagine the boys goofing around and hear them yell at each other, for fun or just to swear at someone.
I laugh at something I remembered from last week. Ricky was raiding the cupboards in the kitchen for as much food as he could find. Later on, Jc wanted to do the same, only to find the filthiest foods. He blamed Kian for not doing the groceries well. Kian got mad at him, because he had done the groceries the day before and thought Jc had already ate everything after he had put it away yesterday.
I heard the boys enter the house. They are laughing their asses off. They were silent when they entered the living room. Probably saw me sitting there in silence, looking down at the ground and most likely really depressed. I scold myself for thinking this. Of course I'm depressed. Stop denying it!
"Connor?" Kian was the first to speak. I don't look up at him. Troye walks over and sits down next to me. "What's wrong?" He asks me. I turn my head towards him, but keep looking down at the ground. "Talk to us Connor." Kian speaks up. I can hear the disappointment in his voice. "How are the boys?" I ask them. "They were fine. Asleep when we left." Kian tells me.
I nod towards him. "How are you?" He shoots back at me. I shrug. "Not sure." I use my words. I stand up in order to go to my room, but before I get to pass the boys, Tyler stops me. "You can't hide out forever. You might want to talk now." He says. I know he's right. I just don't want him to be right. I don't want to talk. There's nothing wrong with me. Well, nothing specific, right?
"What about?" I snap at him. He gives me a look. I sigh. "I really don't know what about. Can't I be moody without being labeled as depressed?" I ask him. "No, you can't and you know damn well why." He tells me. He thinks I'm going to kill myself. "Oh how much you trust me." I tell him. He gives me another look. "I'm serious Connor. We're worried about you. You are still not okay." He tells me. "I don't know what you're talking about." I throw my hands up in despair. "I would really like to go to my room now." I say. He folds his arms in front of his chest. "No. You're not going." I sigh. "Really?" I ask him. "Yes, it is." He retorts. "Bye." I don't even wait for a response. I fight my way through the boys, who aren't really happy with my behaviour and finally let me go when I start hitting them. They never expected that and kind of froze when I did.
I got to my room and locked the door. I don't want them to freak out at me for what I did down there. I want to go home. To my mom. I need her. I feel the tears run down my face. I wipe them away with my sleeve angrily. I know there's one thing that can help me right now. I shouldn't do it. I should be strong and go to the boys. One won't matter right? I could make one little cut and then go to the boys. They wouldn't know right? They will think I was strong enough and went down before I could do anything.
When I made up my mind, I found one cut on my arm. I knew I wouldn't keep it together. I broke the promise I made with the other boys. I hate myself so much. I don't want to be alone. I will only make things worse. I need my mom. I want my mom. I know I can't see her anytime soon. I need the boys to fix me. Walking out of my bed room, I take one last look. I don't even know why. It's not like I'm leaving. I walk down the stairs and feel the tears fall down from my chin. I can't stop crying. It's too hard.
"Connor? Is that you?" I hear Kian from inside of the living room. I stood outside in the hallway, gathering all my strength to ask for their support. To show them that I'm not as strong as they think. I know I have to show up, otherwise they'll show up in the hallway. Where I am. I run my hands through my hair and take a good grip on my hair. I softly pull it. I don't know what to think. I'm so confused about everything. My back slams against the wall and I can hear people move around in the living room. I slid down the wall into a sitting position with my knees pulled up. I put my head down into my knees and my hands are still in my hair.
"Connor? What's wrong?" I hear someone ask me. I feel a hand on my shoulder, but I slap it away as soon as I can. "Stop it! Okay? Just stop it! Stop asking me if I'm okay. Leave me alone!" I scream at whoever is crouched down next to me. I take my time to look at all the boys. Tyler looks neutral, I can't really read him. Troye looks really worried and a bit scared, but not so scared that he's hiding away like Jc is doing behind Ricky. He's really scared. Ricky and Kian are both a little pale, Ricky a little less than Kian, but enough to notice.
Kian's P.O.V.
Connor is responding to us, but he's very distant. He won't let us touch him, to comfort him through his pain; he won't listen to us, he only screams at us, and lastly; he is shaking madly, like he's having a mental breakdown. I try to lay my hand on his shoulder again, to get him back into the real world, but he's not responding to anything.
I should be able to get him back, right? He's my best friend. I have been there for him through everything and vice versa with the things he did for me. I'm scared for him. He's going to kill himself if this doesn't stop. It's tearing him down and he's not going to get through this. At least not by himself. It's just that he won't be able to handle things by himself, not this heavy. He won't seek for help. He needs to ask for help. We can't help him if he doesn't. And that's what we need to do. We need to help him.
I couldn't break him out of his mind. He was thinking too much and talking to himself. He was too busy with his own thoughts to acknowledge anything but himself. I did get to hold him after some time, but it didn't help with anything. It only kept him from walking away or doing something bad. I don't know what he was thinking about or what was going through him. He was talking, but I couldn't understand a word he spoke. There were words, and I'm sure he knew what he was saying, but no one else knew what he spoke.
Sweets was the one to break him. He had made us leave for a bit, when he had us come back, he told me exactly what to do. He couldn't do this himself, he wanted someone to do this that knew Connor well and knew him for a long while. He didn't want to do it himself. He was just the therapist. I needed to keep enough distance and be close enough to help him. I needed to speak to him and had to know what I was saying. No hesitation. Making sure he heard me. It was hard getting through to him and I don't know how to thank Sweets for his help. I couldn't imagine how else it would have ended if he hadn't helped us to get him back.
Tyler and Ricky brought the poor guy to his bed and Tyler came down by himself, telling us Ricky was going to stay with him and watch him. We had thanked Sweets and he helped us dealing with these recent events. He talked to us and gave us some much needed advice. He really is a great guy. I don't even know why he's doing this for us. He doesn't need to do this. I had the nerves to ask him about it. His response was simple. "Not everything you do has to be rewarded with money. Helping you isn't an obligation. I can offer you the help you need. That's what counts. For me."
I went to check up on the boys upstairs. Connor was still fast asleep and Ricky was silently on the phone with someone. I took it as an opportunity to walk around his room. It's the place you will find the most evidence. If something is going on, it should here or in his bathroom. I enter his bathroom and after looking everywhere, I found some blades in a place you would never even think if looking. I didn't take them. I should have, but I didn't. I didn't want to risk Connor finding out and distrusting us. He will never come to us ever again if I do take them away.
Ricky eyes me suspiciously when I walk back into the bed room. He is off the phone and luckily for us, Connor is still asleep. "What were you doing?" He asks me. "Just checking. We need to check his arms. I found blades." He doesn't look too happy with this news. He slowly lifts up Connor's sleeve. Nothing. We're not relieved though. There's another arm we need to check. And as I had never expected. A fresh cut. It looks like it's only been made today. I wonder if he did that this morning or before his breakdown.
I can't believe I'm only finding out about this cut now. There would have been multiple times today where I or at least someone would have had the chance to see it. I know it's only a small cut, but still. He brought it onto himself with one of those damned blades I found. I want to throw them out, flush them or burn them. Something to keep Connor from using them to harm himself. He doesn't deserve it.
Ricky stayed, while I went back down again to Sweets and the others. "Why is he still doing this?" I asked the questions with multiple pauses in between. I couldn't get the sentence out like that. I had to break it up. The boys look at me questioningly. I think Sweets knows well what I'm talking about. He just wants to hear me say it out loud. "What is he still doing, Kian?" Like I said. He wants me to say it, but I can't. I motion my eyes to my wrists and back to his eyes a few times. "I know what you mean." He wanted to continue, but got cut off by Jc running away. We could hear him throw up in the toilet we have in hidden away in the hallway underneath the stairs.
"I'll go check on him and take him upstairs if needed." Tyler announced and he left. Troye felt like he needed to be present in this conversation. He might be in the background at times, but he does care about Connor and Connor trusts him a lot. When he was still back in Australia, he was the one Connor went to over Skype. They would talk for hours and Troye would cheer him up.
It's not like that anymore. Ever since the first time Tyler and Troye moved in, they grew apart. As in less conversations, but the bond they have still exists. You need to look for it, but it's still very present in both boys. They know they are best friends and they know what they can do for each other and what both boys can get out of their friendship. Being positive or negative. The outcome is always great and most likely created a stronger bond between them.
I wish I had a friendship like that with someone. It's seriously something to be jealous off. They don't even need words to communicate. It's really special what they have and I hope it will stay. Both help each other to get better and support each other through everything. Personally and famously wise.
I wonder where everything went wrong. Didn't Connor trust him with this secret? Did he trust anyone anyways? I don't think he did. Otherwise Troye would have enlightened us as soon as he knew, for Connor's safety.
Tyler and Jc didn't come back. Tyler did after a long while and told us he put Jc to bed. He has a little fever. I hope it is the stress getting to him and not something else. Something worse, to be more specific. We talked some more with Sweets until he left. It was about to hit midnight and to be honest, everyone was tired. Normally we could stay up late or even go throughout the night without sleep. Just not now. Not after this.
Tyler's P.O.V.
Jc threw up everything he could. He ended up retching. It wasn't a pleasant sound. When he finished, I handed him a glass of water to rinse the nasty taste away. I helped him up. "You want to go upstairs?" He shakes his head. "You are in no shape to go back in there." I fight him. He softly nods his head. He's even too sick to fight. I help him upstairs and set him down on his bed. I take his feet and pull them onto the bed. He slumps down and turns onto his side. I lay the covers over him and tell him goodnight. He closes his eyes without even saying something back.
When I get down, Sweets is still present. I listen to the rest of their conversation and watch him leave. We finish everything up downstairs like putting the dishes in the dishwasher, turning off all the lights and lowering the heater in temperature. I wait in the hallway while Kian checks up on all the guys. Connor is luckily still asleep while Ricky is still with him.
Connor's P.O.V.
When I wake up, I know I'm not alone. I turn around to face a sleeping Ricky. "Ricky?" I shake his shoulder. He finally woke up. I stood up carefully as I am not feeling very well and both Ricky and I make our way downstairs. "You look terrible." Troye says when I enter the kitchen. "Forget what I said. He looks worse." Jc stops walking when he notices Troye pointing at him. "Jeez, thanks." He says. "My pleasure." Troye responds.
"What happened to you?" I ask him. He shrugs and stands there staring at Troye and murdering him in his thoughts. He gives up, knowing he won't get what he just wished for and sat down. He sits down as far away from Troye as possible, which was at the other side of Kian. "Nothing." He says, but even his voice sounds horrible. He coughs as his throat is probably hurting. We sit down at the neatly set table. Everything can be found on it. From chocolate to cheese and croissants to plain pieces of bread.
We all eat in silence. It's awkward. Jc isn't eating a lot. I'm not eating a lot and the others noticed. No one really speaks until Kian decides to break the awkwardness by announcing his plans for the day. The others tell theirs and I notice that I'm the only one who's got nothing to do. Apart from Jc, who's going back to bed after breakfast. He's tired and still has a high temperature. I announce to the others that I will stay home to watch Jc. We can't leave him alone.
When the house is empty, Jc finally asks for my help. He is still seated at the table. I help him get up and take him to the couch. I lay him down and take a blanket and pillow to support his head and cover his overly heated body. This is more than just a high temperature. I grab some dry biscuits, just to make sure he can eat something if he wants something. I also place a glass filled with water in front of him.
There is one thing I want to do right now. I don't even mind about the deal I entered with Hayes and Shawn. I enter my bedroom. I close the door behind me, knowing Jc won't be able to walk up the stairs by himself and I'm also pretty sure no one else is coming home very soon. I am in doubt this whole thing. I know I shouldn't do it, but I also know that I want to do it.
I walk over and sit on the side off my bed. I open up my bedside table and find my well hidden blade. I roll up my sleeve and look at my arm. There are so many scars and I'm questioning myself if I should add some. I don't want to disappoint the boys. I don't want to hurt them. I take the blade and place the cold metal on its side on my arm. When I'm used to the cold, I put the blade on my arm ready to cut it. I keep it there. Should I really do this?
Author's note:
I'm so sorry for the delay! I've been having a bit of personal problems and my favourite horse from riding school almost died. And just a lot of exam stress..
Please vote and/or comment to help me and I hope to upload faster in the near future. Hope to see you next time!