i'm sorry but i just really have to get this off my chest because some people are just so fucking biased and rude and don't know how to fucking listen to shit. so anyways i was chatting with my (now ex) boyfriend because i was feeling depressed and i decided to open up to him about my past self harm and my recent alcohol relapse and he just started fucking losing it. he got most of my friends involved and they just started attacking me with questions and accusations and i'm just really fucking pissed because they're accusing me of trying to kill myself just because i used to cut. and yeah i get why they'd think that but i literally tried explaining to them that just because i used to cut did not mean i was doing it to kill myself. and yes i knew that cutting was not the best option and i know it never really helps but it gave me temporary relief from everything and sometimes that was more than enough. i never cut to kill myself, in fact i never thought about suicide in that period of time. but try explaining that to a group of ignorant people who revolt against anything out of the norm. they all started ranting about how they were offended that i hadn't gone to them for help, that i should've come to them for my problems, that they could've stopped it. my cutting happened three fucking years ago, how could they have helped if i didn't know them??? then there's my recent relapse. yes ok i know that there were different alternatives that i could've turned to, but stuff like this happens sometimes. i'm getting treated for it, i'm getting helped and i've promised everyone that i will get better. but do you know what they do? well first my boyfriend starts yelling about how i didn't come to him, and again i understand where he's coming from, but he needs to understand that it's not that easy. it's not easy for me to open up to people, and it's not easy to talk about my feelings, and it's not easy for me to express my feeling for people. growing up i was never able to tell people about my feelings, i had no one to talk to, and any sort of emotion was frowned upon by my father. it's hard because was never showed how to express feelings, for years i had to bottle up my feelings and thoughts because i didn't want my mom to have to be burdened with my problems on top of everything else she was dealing with. and i've tried getting people to understand this, and there are a few who do, to whom i am most grateful for, but others just don't seem to understand. like my ex for example, he just kept yelling and started asking if i even trusted him or if i even love him, and of course i loved him, but again it's hard to tell people what i'm going through. but he just kept yelling and telling me off and asking all these questions that i couldn't answer because i myself didn't even know. and then he got all my friends involved and oh god you should've seen them, there were 2 out of the 6 who understood now was not the time to be confronting me about any of that, but the other 4 began throwing question after question and it was all just too much so i broke down crying. and you know what they did? they walked away. they didn't help, they didn't apologize, they didn't comfort me or stay with me, oh no. they just ignored me. and they've been ignoring me. for a week now. out of the two who understood only one of them talks to me now. which is honestly fine by me, i'm not going to waste my time trying to be with people who don't want me there. don't get me wrong, it hurts. it hurts a lot actually, because i really thought what he and i had was special, but even with that it doesn't hurt as much as it should. looking back on it, he was a douche. when i told him about how i was genderfluid, he seemed okay with it, but when it came to the days where i felt like a boy and used he/him pronouns, he would never acknowledge it. he would refer to me as cecilia and it would upset me to some extent. and when he'd do that i'd tell him that i didn't feel like cecilia and ask him to call me jack, the name i go by when i feel like a boy, he'd state that he wasn't dating a boy, and that he wasn't gay. which angered me because me feeling like a boy did not make our relationship gay, he was not dating a boy or girl, he was dating either/or, something i stated at the beginning of our relationship. and it angers me enough when guys and girls say they're not gay and then proceed to present to you a 50 page essay stating why they are not gay (like honey no one said you were) so you can imagine how frustrated this all made me. but it doesn't matter that much anymore, it's done, it's over, and he won't bother me anymore. as for the friends that are no longer talking to me because they feel "offended", they can piss off.
i really just wanted to get this all off my chest, and i feel so much lighter now that that's all out. thank you if you read this chapter, and thank you if you didn't. i just wanted to get that out. anywho, the regular updates will kick up again in no time. again, thank you to anyone who's reading this right now, i love you guys a whole fucking lot.