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They say that all good things must come to an end.
They say that if you love someone, let them go.
They say that everything happens for a reason.
But that's a load of bullshit.
For weeks I've been completely lost. Confused. Sad.
No matter how hard I try to move on, I can't. At this point, it seems impossible. And every day I am having to live with the guilt and shame of being an asshole. I lost the most important person in my life.
I can't shake Grace from my thoughts. Something keeps tugging at my heart, telling me that I cannot go on without her. I never knew it was possible to feel so connected to someone. To love someone so much that it feels as if part of you has been ripped away.
The goodbye hurt. But the flashbacks are worse.
My mind wanders to places that once were so happy. Memories of us passing notes in class. Shopping for her first singing dress. Kissing under the Christmas lights. But now it just brings me sorrow because I am so terribly afraid of not having it again.
Not being able to call her mine anymore physically aches me. It takes all my strength to not call her. Talk to her. Because I am scared she won't respond.
Her love is a tattoo on my heart. I can try to cover it, hide it, forget about it. Pretend it doesn't even exist. But it's always going to be there.
And I'm okay with that.
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I come home a rainy, Thursday afternoon from school. Another bland day. I set my backpack down and head into the kitchen. My mom is making dinner while Mia watches Disney Channel, and I grab a piece of garlic bread sitting on the counter.
"Hey! No eating until the table is set!" My mom swats at my hand as I take a bite. "Go get some place mats and silverware, please." I nod and pop the rest into my mouth, chewing as I gather the items and start spreading them across the table.
Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. I tell my mom I'll get it and I walk over to answer it. The face I see when I open it is the last I would expect. But it's the one I've been hoping for for three weeks.
Grace stands there. Her hair is soaked from the downpour outside. She has her backpack and guitar with her, and she is shivering despite her jacket. Her cheeks are red and blotchy, eyes puffy as if she has been crying.
She immediately speaks. "I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now," Her voice cracks, sending a pang through my chest. Her throat sounds so sore, it's obvious she is in pain from something. "But, I can't be at home. I...Jane isn't in town. I didn't know where else to go."
I open the door wider. "Come inside, Grace Baker." She nods, walking in as I shut the front door.
"Isaac, who's at the–" My mom stops when she sees Grace. "Oh, hello Grace."
Grace offers a weak smile, her mouth contradicting what her eyes are saying. "Hi, Ms. Richards. I'm sorry to walk in like this."
"Grace needs a place to stay for tonight." I affirm, being able to tell Grace is in a bad mindset.
"Oh, of course. Is, uh, is everything all right, dear?"
"Mom." I say, shooting her a warning look to not press on. She shakes her head in understanding. I turn to Grace, noticing her wiping a tear quickly from her eye. "You can sleep in the guest room."
We start to walk down the hall. "Is Grace here?" I hear Mia call from the family room. She bounces over, frowning when she sees how sad Grace is.
"Keep watching your show, Mia."
"But I want to see Grace!" She argues.
"Mia, please." I snap. Mia opens her mouth to protest, but I shoo Grace away before one of my family members can ask her another thing. I open the guest bedroom door, allowing her to walk in.
She sets her backpack and guitar on the bed. She slips off her jacket, putting it aside, and takes a seat on the mattress.
I walk in, sitting down next to her. She pulls her bag onto her lap and unzips it, pulling out some shorts and a grey shirt. She stares at the clothes folded in her lap, not saying a word. I can't help but wonder what happened to her.
"If you want to talk abo–" I start.
"Please, no," She cuts me off, voice a soft murmur. "Please don't ask questions."
"Grace–"
"Isaac," She counters. "Please don't make me talk about it. Don't."
I bite my lip, fighting the urge to press on. I nod my head and stand up. "Bathroom is next door over. There's some shower products if you want."
"Thank you." She stands there, and there's a buzzing feeling in the air. I can feel it. It's the connection, its till there. But both of us are too scared to say anything.
All I want to do is walk up to her, take her by the hands, and kiss her to my heart's content. She's the only thing that makes it beat.
But instead, I step to the side, allowing her space to walk out and to the bathroom to freshen up. She is here, but she is distant.
I'd be lying if I said I don't think about her every day. I'd be lying if I told myself that this happened for the better. I'd be lying if I said I was able to live without her. Because this isn't living. This is existing.
The day I saw Grace leave, it was like the moon split into a million pieces and the stars crumbled, falling like fireworks into the sea. That's the worst thing about love; it can happen in an instant, like a flash of lightning, and then leave. But loving Grace was a storm. And the moment the clouds parted and the sun came out, I realized how much I hated the blue sky.
The hardest part is that I don't want her to just merely be a memory. I don't want to have to move on. I wanted to fight with every last bit of my strength for her back.
I fought but I lost.
I walk into the kitchen, waiting about fifteen minutes for dinner to be cooked, then grabbing a plate and filling it with spaghetti. I make a glass of ice water and bring it to the guest room, stopping when I hear Grace's voice.
I peek through the crack in the door. She is sitting on the bed, phone held to her ear. I notice that she is wearing a shirt I lent her once.
"Please pick up, please pick up," She whispers in a breathy tone. She anxiously taps her fingers against the bedding. Her head perks up after a few more seconds. "Hello?"
I really shouldn't be eavesdropping. I turn to leave, until I hear Grace say, "Jane, I've done something terrible."
I stop. Listen.
"It...it happened so fast. I'll explain tomorrow, you'll be back right? Okay, okay good. I need a place to stay for the next few weeks," She nervously runs a hand through her thick curls. "I'm at Isaac's right now...no, no. We haven't made up yet."
Yet.
She listens to Jane say a few things before answering. "I don't know. I didn't know where else to go. I doubt he even wants me here."
Oh Grace, if only you knew how fucking bad I miss you.
She pauses again. Then says, "I'm scared to go home, Jane. I've been afraid to before, and I always did anyway, but this time I am terrified. Promise me you'll be back tomorrow?" She listens closely, then lets out a sigh of relief. "Thank you." She turns to look at the door and I quickly shuffle out of eyesight. "I should probably go. See you later. Bye."
She hangs up and I wait about two minutes before knocking on the door. I hear her say a quiet Come in.
"This is dinner that my mom made," I say, placing it on the nightstand. "I didn't know if you were hungry or not. You do seem to like her Italian dishes, though."
She smiles, soft lips curling slightly. There's still a twinge of sadness in her eyes though. They're like broken glass. It's the same thing I spotted in them the first day of school. The thing that I tried so hard to get rid of.
I always knew those eyes would be the death of me.
It is obvious she isn't going to tell me what happened at her house. So I won't ask. But what hurts my heart the most is how fearful she is. And how she feels as if she is alone.
She isn't alone. I wish she would realize that.
"You should get some rest." I say, backing away.
Before I walk out the door, she says, "Isaac?"
"Yes?" I stop immediately.
"Thank you." She says, this time with more meaning. She even nods her head as if to fully show her appreciation.
I smile. "You're welcome, Grace Baker."
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It isn't a good thing to wake up to the sound of crying.
I roll over in my bed, reading the clock. 2:28 in the morning. I hear soft cries from the room across from me. The guest room.
I quickly attempt to untangle myself from the bed, resulting in me tumbling into the floor muttering 'shit' several times. I pick myself up and run out of my room and swing open the door of the guest room.
Grace lays curled up in the bed, sobbing to herself in her sleep.
"Grace?" I whisper.
She starts breathing harder, cries turning into murmurs of no, no, no.
"Grace?" I repeat, inching closer to her.
She gasps, eyes still closed. "No...no...no!" She starts thrashing around in her bed, yelling.
"Grace!" I jump next to her as she shoots up straight in the bed, pulse racing and tears streaming down her face.
"I can't, I can't, I can't leave it." She cries out.
"Shhh, shhh, it's okay, Grace. Just a bad dream," I murmur. My arms are instinctively wrapped around her, head on top of hers, rocking her gently.
She buries her face into my chest and cries some more. "Please don't leave, Isaac."
I shake my head. "I won't. I'll always be here." I reassure, slowly laying down, Grace curled up next to me. I gently rub her back as she settles, her cries eventually dying out, replaced by steady breathing as she drifts off to sleep.
"I'll always be here." I repeat, closing my own eyes.
I'll always be here.
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Another four days passed by. I didn't talk to Grace again. We sat in opposite sides of the rooms and she didn't come to lunch. I eventually told myself that it was time to move on. To let go.
I walk out of school at the end of the day, preparing to head over to the locker room to change for soccer practice, when a teacher stops me.
"Hey Isaac, can I ask you something real quick?" Mr. Guthery says.
I shrug my shoulders. "Sure."
"Could you give this to Grace?" He hands me an envelope sealed with a gold sticker. "I understand you two are close, and she left school early today. I need to make sure she gets this is in a timely manner."
I don't want to argue with him and say that I probably won't see her anytime soon, so I take the envelope without protest. "I'll make sure she has it."
"Thank you." He grins and walks away. I unzip my backpack, putting it inside when another person makes their way towards me.
"What's up, man?" Luke greets, already changed into his practice uniform. "How you holding up?"
"I'm fine, Luke. It's just a breakup." I say, more to myself than him.
"It's more than that and you know it. But hey," He holds his hands up defensively. "I understand."
I groan. "Sorry if I've been ass lately."
"You have," He points out. "But I forgive you. I know how hard this is. I can't imagine what it would feel like if it was me and Jenna."
"Yeah," I nod my head in agreement. "It's difficult. I know I need to move on but I'm scared to. I'm scared I won't find another person like her."
"You won't." Luke comments.
"Yeah," I say. "Wait, what?"
"There's not gonna be another person like Grace. Ever. No matter how hard you search," Luke pauses. "Look, she is your first love. Your first love is always special. Most people do have to let go of them, but there's a handful who don't."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Sometimes people find the right person before finding anyone else. And it takes tough work and some trials, but you realize that you don't want to be with anyone else. At all. What you and Grace have is special. I don't think you'll find it in another girl."
I think for a moment. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying–"
Before he can finish his sentence, my phone rings. I look down and see that Jane is calling. It must be important.
"Hold on, sorry," I mumble, answering and holding it up to my ear. "Jane?"
"Oh thank god you answered," Jane breathes out a sigh of relief from the other end. "Where are you right now?"
"I'm supposed to be at soccer practice right now. Why?" I reply. Luke gives me a questioning look and I shrug my shoulders.
"Do you have a car? Gas? Meet me as soon as possible but don't tell anyone–"
"Jane!" She stops. "What's this about?"
"It's Grace," She says. "She's in the hospital."
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The hospital lobby doors swing open suddenly, slamming against the walls as I push them open, rushing hurriedly into the building. I scan the area, spotting Jane talking to a doctor. I quickly walk over to them.
"Where's Grace?" I question, heartbeat racing, worries filling me up.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid she is in no condition to be seen." The doctor answers, writing something down on his clipboard.
"Is there any way I can just let her know I'm here?" I plead.
"It's only family–"
"She has no family!" I yell, cutting him off. Other people in the lobby look over, the room silencing.
The man purses his lips. "You have five minutes. Room 325."
I take no time to run down the hall, searching the room plates, Jane at my heels. I find number 325 and walk in, immediately greeted by the beeping of a cardiac monitor.
Grace lays still in the bed. One of her arms is in a sling, and I see bandages wrapped on the other one and on her legs. There's dried blood on her face and a light purple bruise on her cheek, her darkly colored eyelids are closed.
I want to burst into tears.
Ignoring the nurse in the room, I grab a chair and sit down next to her. Seeing her in such a condition hurts so badly.
"Will she be okay?" I ask the nurse, voice cracking as emotion wells up in my throat.
"She has many cuts and bruises all over her legs and arms, five will require stitches. Her face will take a little over a week, and her arm will be sore for a few weeks. She may have trouble eating for about two days, her stomach is pretty bruised." The nurse lists off everything wrong and I feel a single tear run down my face.
"Can we have some alone time?" Jane asks the lady. I hear the door shut behind us.
"What happened to her?" I whisper.
Jane sits in a chair across the room. "I have no idea. I hadn't seen her since this morning."
"She left school early," I say. "How'd the hospital find her?"
"Caroline called the emergencies." Jane answers.
"Caroline did?" I furrow my eyebrows. "Wait, that means Grace was at home...oh my god."
"What?"
"Her-her dad." Is all I can manage to say.
"Shit." I hear Jane mutter.
I bury my head in my hands, feeling them get wet from tears. Her fucking father hospitalized her. She could be dead.
Shaking my head, I reach over and take hold on Grace's hand, being gentle of the IV in it. The only movement coming from her body is her lungs softly moving up and down.
"I never should have left her alone."
"Isaac, this isn't your fault." Jane tells me.
"I know." I say. I faintly trace small circles on her knuckles. She means so much to me, even the smallest paper cut on her would make me feel bad. The fact that this happened to her makes me feel like I failed at protecting her, at keeping her safe.
"Things are gonna be different when she gets out of here," Jane sighs. "We have to come up with a cover story for this."
"Why can't we just tell the cops what really happened? Send that bastard to prison." I mutter angrily.
"She isn't a legal adult yet, so the CPS would send her to foster care or something. She doesn't want that." Jane explains.
"I never should have left her." I whisper.
"You still love her." Jane says quietly.
I nod. "How could I stop?"
I feel a small squeeze on my hand and look down, seeing Grace's fingers intertwine with mine. I glance up as her eyes groggily open.
"Isaac?" Her slightly parted lips breathe out.
I move up closer, holding her hand with two hands now. "Grace Baker."
"You came." She murmurs.
"Well, you know me and my undeniable urge to constantly pester you." I comment. "Don't act like you aren't happy to be graced with my presence."
A faint smile grows on her face. "You flatter yourself too much."
There's a knock at the door. "Times up." The nurse announces. Jane gets up to leave, walking over and ruffling Grace's hair before exiting.
Her eyes have dropped closed again when I stand up. I lean over her, kissing her forehead. "I love you." I whisper, not knowing if she heard it or not.
But one last squeeze of my hand tells me that there is a good chance she did.
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Hello! So sorry it took so long for me to write this. Ive had everything going on at school from theater productions to midterms; it's been crazy!!! Hope you enjoyed though! One week until Christmas...yay!!!!!! Don't forget to follow my instagram (shuckoffgreenie) and my pinterest (acreativeblur)
Xo -Acreativeblur