This knowledge rises from some hidden, repressed part of my brain, and folds over me like the lapping waves of the river. Something cold and aching spreads its wings across my eyes, then throughout my body. Bit by bit, I freeze over.
I climb to rest my head on my pillow, pulling the covers up and over me. As I move, bits and pieces of me break off, shards of ice trailing behind me. Finally, when I'm fully burrowed in, I melt, shuddering.
I remember. I remember the fight, the chill of the night. I remember how quick the knife was as I forced it into Alex. And the blood ... I remember the blinding remorse searching for Ethan.
But I never found him. There was nothing to find, anyway. He's dead. Gone. Lost.
He is dead, and he's been dead all along. Ethan never moved to California. He never left me. Stupid, so stupid of me to think that he would ever do that intentionally. And the fact that all I've been doing is wallowing in self-pity, loathing him — the fact that it's taken me this long to figure it out —
And Alex too, oh God, oh God. I killed him in cold blood, like some monster. I clench my fists, imagining them coated in red. I have so much blood on my hands, innocent or not.
I stare at the ceiling. I can't do anything. I can't feel, or breathe, or move. I can only stare. Even when tears, welling up and then flowing down my cheeks, blur my vision, I keep my eyes open. They strain and sting, begging for me to close them. Shut everything out, and drown in the darkness.
I force my eyes to stay open, relishing the pain. Nausea rises up within me as the horror of Ethan's death barrels into me — how much he must have suffered, drowning and helpless and alone. Or maybe he didn't drown. Maybe he hit his head on some rock, as I had, and died instantly.
What would happen if he appeared to me right now? What would I have said, if I'd known it would be the last time I ever saw him? I suppose I'll never know. But right now, I want to scream a million things.
You can't do this. You can't leave me alone here. I won't make it without you. Why? Where have you gone? Are you angry with me? I wish I could be with you, wherever you are. I'm sorry. I wish I could have saved you. I love you.