I woke in the morning back in my own bed. I'd stayed with him for a while, whispering in the dark as our bodies unwound a little. Amazing how wonderful that was. I found myself smiling at the thought of it, here where he couldn't see me. God, it was so good to see him again, to be near someone I really loved. How could it be that the person I trusted above all others was one of the most dangerous men alive? Or was that an essential piece of why I trusted him?
My stomach growled and I decided it was time for phase 2 of my plan. Okay, I'd started it last night really. It was all about trying to normalize things. We both needed that. Everyday things. Everyday activities. Food, exercise, chores, projects maybe. Whatever he could handle. I wasn't going to attempt the deprogramming without some decompression time first.
I was cooking a dozen eggs in just my shorts when he came downstairs. I had all the windows open on the ground floor and the tropical warmth of the island was lifted a little by the soft ocean breeze. It wasn't so much that I heard him. My hearing was crazy good, but so was his stealth. It was that I felt him behind me. "I've got the coffee on," I said without turning around. I wanted him to see that I wasn't scared of him, that I'd leave my naked back open to him.
He grunted and sat down at the table.
"Eggs and toast sound okay?"
"How're you getting provisions in?"
"Yup, that's a security weak point, but there are companies that specialize in dropping supplies off for the uber rich. They pull up on the beach every Friday, unload and get the hell out. We can place our orders online and monitor the whole thing from here. They never see us.
"Internet?"
"Black Satelite. It's this new stealth thing. Untraceable so far."
We talked about security and weapons as we ate a whole loaf of toast with our eggs. I could see him itching for more fire power but also not wanting to arm himself too heavily in case he lost it again.
I reached across and gripped his shoulder. "Hey, if no one's here yet, I think we've got a few days before anyone shows up to try and kill us." I smiled with all my teeth.
He rolled his eyes, but at least I got an almost smile.
I squeezed the thick muscle layer and my heart thumped as I felt it relax a little under my hand. "So let's wash the dishes and then go for a swim. Sound good?"
I made him wash and I dried and he bitched about it, but it worked. By the last fork, he was talking about my mom's kitchen and how she'd gotten us both by the ear when we'd decided that having a soap fight was more fun than clean up duty.
I grabbed for the soap bottle as nonchalantly as I could and poured some down the back of his neck. He swung around with that creepy blank face on, his body in a fighting stance and yeah, he was deadly intimidating. I held up my hands as best I could around the bottle.
"Sorry, it just dripped." I gave him a big smile.
"Steve." He shook his head and stood down. "Man, aren't you worried I might just take you out? 'Hair trigger' might be a bit of an understatement here."
"Nah. I think I could take you," I looked down my nose at him and gave the bottle a good squeeze, striping the t-shirt he was wearing up and down his chest.
It was game on after that. He wrestled the bottle off me and dowsed me pretty good, but all that tackling meant the soap smeared all over both of us and that neither of us could get a good grip on each other for long. And then I sprayed him with my thumb on the faucet and the floor got slippery.
We were on all fours when I made the mistake of tickling him. I'd forgotten that I'm way more ticklish than he is and that he was kind of ruthless even before he Winter Soldier'ed up. He managed to pin me pretty good. Both his legs somehow pretzeled around mine as he straddled me, and pinned both my wrists with one hand above our heads as his busy fingers jabbed and wriggled.
I was laughing so hard I could hardly gasp, "Stop! Don't make me pee!" That did the trick and he let up on the digging fingers but didn't let go.
"What was that about you being able to take me?" He raised an eyebrow and it was like looking at the old Bucky for a second. My heart clenched to see him still in there.
I smiled up at him. "Well, if I wanted to."
"Oh, so you let me win, is that it?" He nodded with his you're-full-of-shit face on.
I tried to shrug with my shoulders extended up around my ears. "Maybe I like being man handled." The moment froze as a couple of things happened. First, I had this moment of realizing that wow, that was actually true. I was always the one in control and it was amazing to feel the touch of someone just as strong as me. Second, Bucky realized he was on top of me, pressing our bodies together and that included pelvises. And then third, the look we were sharing went from funny to stunned to awkward.
Bucky let me go and crawled off me and we both avoided looking at each other as we stood up. Yes, that was weird.
I rubbed my slippery hands together. "Well this mess you made makes the swim idea seem pretty necessary. You game?"
He rolled his eyes and we argued about whose fault the mess was as we walked down the jungle slope to the sand.
The ocean was amazing. Aquamarine blue and full of fish of every shape and colour. I dove down, pinching my nose to decompress my ears and wondering how deep I could go and for how long. Bucky was always at the corner of my vision though. It was hard to let him out of my sight, but it was time. I turned my face away and just tried to trust that he was close and that he was ok.
Bucky swam down as I was coming up for air and I realized he was naked. The sun shone down through the water in those dancing lines and they curved over his sleek muscles. He looked like a sculpture, like a work of art. I guess, in a way, he was. He was the life's work of a whole team of people.
Just like I was.
I sat in the sun on a rock and was just getting worried about how long he had been under when he popped back up. As he strode out of the water, more and more of his body came into view. I knew that I should look away, but I put it off. His chest was lightly furred and the trail ran down his stomach, down... I looked away.
"Hey," he called and I tensed up, waiting for some jab about watching him. "Look what I got." He held up a fish so large that all the muscles corded in his arm under the weight of it.
"Wow!" I jumped up and went to him. "That's seriously big."
He smiled this snarky smile that was straight out of our high school days and looked down, and out of some ingrained habit, I looked where he looked, right down at his johnson. Our eyes flicked back together and locked. He looked smug. "That's what they all say."
I whacked his arm hard enough to bruise a normal guy and blushed all the way back up to the house. It was worth every awkward moment to hear him laugh again.
We showered and got dressed, and then hiked the island again. It was a comfortable silence interrupted by little observations as I tried to plant little seeds in his mind. Things like, "I wonder what this kind of wood is good for?" and "Look at these fronds. Do you think these are the kinds you can weave together?"
I was careful not to push him about making any plans. I wanted him to get a chance to think for himself about how he wanted to spend a day. God, we'd both been running for so long. Scrambling just to cover the essentials. It felt like a gift to spend such leisurely time together. By the time we were cooking dinner, we were talking about making a raft and building a lookout tower. I had a hard time keeping a smile off my face as I watched his hard, guarded expression become a little more curious and hopeful.
As we got ready for bed, it felt strange to be apart from him. I came out of the bathroom and he was already in his room. I hesitated outside my bedroom. Should I say goodnight? He had left his door open a little, but not enough to see in. He couldn't be asleep already, but suddenly I felt shy. I'd admitted that I needed him. Being out of cryosleep was probably really hard on him, after he'd made the agonizing decision to go under in the first place. Who was I kidding? He'd frozen his whole life in time because he didn't trust himself and I'd yanked him out without even asking his permission.
Giving him a nice place to hang around wasn't going to just make that go away. I turned and walked into my room without saying a word. True, he was going along with my plans. Unwinding, bit by bit. He was doing it for me. I knew that what I'd said had been the game changer for him. I needed him and so he wouldn't fight me about going back. He didn't need me hovering around outside his bedroom door, waiting for some official goodnight or something.
I climbed into bed and looked out at the stars. I tried to sleep but I couldn't quite relax enough. I was dozing when I heard the first little sound. I was instantly wide awake but I didn't move. Was it another nightmare? Was it someone coming for us?
There was a rustle of fabric and then a tiny rhythmic sound and then the sound of Bucky breathing through his mouth.
Oh. Right.
Maybe he was having trouble sleeping too. It was good. It was. It meant that he was engaging in normal human pleasure. Or at least release. Touching himself was a sign that he was still a guy inside of that bundle of nerves and muscles. I wanted him to find any way he could to normalize his life.
My body had other ideas. Maybe it was jealous. Maybe if someone else was getting attention, it wanted some. My trouser snake decided all on its own that it didn't want to stay in my shorts anymore. If I waited to take care of it until after he dozed off, it might wake him up. Of course he had spooky good hearing like me. Maybe my only chance at privacy was to do it now while he was distracted and his own breathing might cover mine.
I took myself in hand, scared that he would hear. The fear gave it an edge of excitement but also wouldn't let me relax enough to let go. I closed my eyes and realized I couldn't hear him anymore. I stopped moving all together. I couldn't hear a thing. Had he heard me? A cold dread ran through me. And then it started again, those tiny little sounds. I could picture him laying therewith his ripped sheet sliding off him, the shadows sliding over the dips and mounds of his body. He gave this tiny little grunt and then a little moan and suddenly that was it for me. The wave of pleasure hit me unprepared. I held my breath to try to contain it, pumping hot into the clutch of my hand.
Author's Note
Are you in love with these guys yet? :D I'm a goner, have been for years.
And hey, as of today (Dec 2, 2016) I'm doing an ebook giveaway contest for my latest release, Root of the Spark. I'd love it if you'd enter to win, and hope to see you on the comments here and on my blog tour! More about that here:
http://michelefogal.com/blog-tour-stops-root-spark/
With love and hope for all our lost boys, (and girls), (and everyone other-gendered),
Michele