It was as if my world stopped spinning. All of my senses dulling. There's nothing left but pain. Pain that's engulfing my chest with flames. I can't even imagine how I'm still breathing but I am. If you have loved someone so much like I had, and then finding out there indifference towards you, it's just unbearable. I mean I've always known. The idea of him loving me was a possibility that actually never existed. It was impossible. But it didn't stop me from trying, and that was my downfall. Trying was one thing, but expecting and assuming that he can and he will love me was lethal. It poisoned my mind with a wide range of possibilities. It poisoned my heart of how much it needs him. It poisoned my body of how much it yearns for him. I can't remember a time when I smiled just because of the thought of him. My eyes are numb from the tears that keep on spilling. It's a never ending process. Love is a never ending process, it starts with this warm and fuzzy feeling of being noticed. Being acknowledged that you're special, but afterwards it just crashes and burns. My body shakes from having flashbacks of his face, his hands, his body, his hair and his voice. I've given everything and it still wasn't enough. And I still keep asking myself WHY? Why did I met him in the first place? Why did he lead me on? Why did I fall for everything that he said? Why? Why? Why? A person shouldn't love someone so much and be treated like shit after. It just breaks you. It turns you into some kind of pitiful little being. But you're not pitiful nor are you little. I might be saying this to myself but I'm saying this to you too. Love is beauty and love is pain. It's beautiful in the eyes of the lover and whom he/she loves. If the feeling is mutual, don't let it go. Instead, let it glow brighter like the sun and the stars in the sky. But it might not always be paradise. Don't let insecurities, jealousy and anger get the best of you. You are so lucky to have someone who loves you as much as you do. And by keeping that love, you can get the closest taste of heaven. Love is pain, the kind in which hope of loving another person is incredibly ludicrous. But hope is a mere step for moving on. You might not be the person you used to be, but you're better. I rub my eyes and find them dry. My cheeks are wet and my legs hurt from sitting but I can manage. I stand up and do a little stretch. I fix my hair and pick up my phone from where I've thrown it earlier. I've deleted all remembrance of him and suddenly I find myself smiling. As I take in my surroundings, I'm surprised to see that the world is much clearer. The grass much greener and the sky much bluer. I can hear children laughing from across the lawn. My puppy, Whimsey, runs toward me at the first sight of me standing up. With all the space that's been cleared up inside of me.. there's more room for love. Love for myself and for everyone around me. I'm surprised to find that the world is finally, smiling with me.
Indifference - 12/25/2013