Ronan Lynch had so many secrets one would find it almost impossible to believe that he never lied. But omitting truths, even from himself, was still lying. And his biggest secret involved one Adam Parrish.
Ronan had known Adam for about two years through their mutual friend Gansey. But he remembered asking Gansey why he would want to be friends with someone like Adam. Someone who was so obviously not like them. Adam was so different from him and Gansey and Ronan just didn't get why he would want to hang out with Adam. Every time Ronan asked, Gansey just smiled and said, "We're not that different after all." So Ronan left him alone about it after awhile.
But that was a long time ago. Now Ronan knew what was so special about Adam, but he couldn't let anyone know how he felt. So when Joseph Kavinsky figured out one of Ronan's secrets, Ronan couldn't let him figure out any more. Because it's true that once upon a time, Ronan was fascinated with Kavinsky. Kavinsky was the most insane, most amazing person that Ronan knew and Ronan idolized him, until one day, Gansey showed up to Monmouth Manufacturing with golden boy Adam Parrish.
Ronan lay on his mattress, sheets disheveled, trying not to fall asleep. He knew what he would dream of and it wouldn't be good if he accidentally brought something back. Long fingers pressed to his lips, fair hair brushing against his shaved head. Ronan sat up and rubbed his eyes. He knew that he couldn't fall asleep and dream because he wouldn't be able to help bringing something back. He moved his pillow and grabbed the things under it. A letter and a locket. Unspeakable things he pulled from unspeakable dreams.
Ronan, being the self-hating bastard he was, read the letter once again and opened the locket. Inside was a picture of a fair-haired boy kissing the cheek of a shaved-headed boy. On the other side was a picture of a small child with long dark hair and pale skin with elegant features. A dream inside of a dream. He closed the locket and brushed tears away from his eyes. Ronan Lynch didn't cry. Ronan Lynch didn't feel, and he most certainly did not let fair-haired boys dictate whether he was okay or not.
There was a small knock at Ronan's door, then it opened. Ronan hastened to shove his dreamt treasures back under his pillow. "Parrish, what the hell are you doing?" Adam slowly entered Ronan's room.
"I couldn't sleep. Sorry. I kind of hoped you were asleep." Adam turned to go.
Ronan scooted over on his bed. "Wait. You can stay, Adam." Adam turned back to him.
"T-thanks." He walked to Ronan's bed and climbed in and sat cross-legged facing toward the dark boy. It had been a rough night for Adam, a dream that ended more like a nightmare.
"So why were you coming in here if you thought I would be asleep?" Ronan asked Adam and turned his body towards the fair-haired boy.
"I had a nightmare. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Adam shrugged.
"Well I'm fine, Parrish." Ronan snapped. He turned back away from him. "I let you watch me dream one time, and now look at you, all concerned about my safety. You're worse than Gansey was." Once, Ronan brought back the worst part of his nightmares and for the longest time Gansey thought he was suicidal.
"No need to be such a dick. And besides, friends usually do worry about the well-being of their friends. It's what friends are for." Adam got up and walked to Ronan's door. "You know what, forget I said anything. Go ahead, dream. Get yourself killed. See if I care." Adam closed the door with as much force as 2:28 in the morning called for so he wouldn't wake Gansey.
Ronan cursed at himself and lay down on his bed. He closed eyes slowly and then opened them slowly as well. "Why do I have to mess every fucking thing up?" He asked the stifling Virginia air. Chainsaw clucked in response from her cage in the corner. Ronan got up and pulled a sweatshirt on over his tank top and put shoes on without bothering with socks. He pulled Chainsaw from her cage and stuck her in his sweatshirt. Then he opened his door and walked out past Gansey fitfully sleeping, his glasses folded near his hand.
He ignored Adam opening his door and hissing at him: "Ronan, where the fuck are you going?" He walked out of the second floor of Monmouth Manufacturing and down the stairs and outside to his BMW. He ignored the door opening behind him and he ignored Adam following him, feet pounding in the otherwise silent night.
"Where are you going, Lynch?" Ronan winced as Adam used his last name. He hated it. It was too impersonal from someone like Adam Parrish.
"I'm going home." Ronan got in his car and shut the door, not waiting for a response.
"Then I'm coming with you." Adam got in the car just as Ronan took Chainsaw out of his sweatshirt.
"Then you have to hold the bird." Ronan pressed the raven into Adam's hands. Hands with long, slender fingers. Hands that only belonged to him in dreams. Adam gave Ronan a knowing look.
"You can't run from all your problems, Ronan Lynch." Adam took Chainsaw and petted her feathered head softly. She cawed softly. Kerah. Her special name for Ronan. "No. I'm not him. He has to drive." Adam told her. Kerah, she clucked again. "Ronan take your damn bird back, she doesn't like me." Ronan laughed and started the car.
"Chainsaw, be nice to Adam. If I can, so can you." Ronan told his raven. She clucked in annoyance, but didn't struggle against Adam's grip.
"Ronan- why are we going to your house?" Adam asked and then regretted it as Ronan's fingers tightened on the steering wheel.
"Because I need to sleep without dreaming. And I also need to work on waking up the dreams."
"And those are related?"
"Of course." Ronan pressed down on the accelerator and Adam sucked in a breath. "If I work hard enough, I'll fall asleep and won't dream." And then without thinking he added, "Of course, having you there might backfire with the whole not dreaming thing, but oh well."
Adam stared at the other boy, confused. "Why would I affect your dreams in any way?"
"Don't patronize me by pretending you don't understand." Ronan glared at Adam before turning his eyes back to the road.
The rest of the ride to the Barns was spent in silence. Almost thirty minutes passed without a single word from either of the boys or a single sound from Chainsaw. At last Ronan pulled up to his childhood home and they both got out. Adam handed Chainsaw to Ronan, letting his fingers linger on the soft skin of Ronan's hand, the other boy's leather bracelets brushing the pads of his fingertips.
Adam stepped away from Ronan and let the older boy lead the way through the maze of barns. When they got to the biggest one, Ronan opened the door and let Chainsaw fly in. He turned on a light and walked in, letting Adam follow him before closing the door behind him.
"Ronan." Adam said and he turned. "I know what you mean. About dreaming. I get it. I have the same problems. Except, you know, I don't bring anything back." Adam babbled and Ronan took a step closer.
"You have no idea what I feel, Parrish." Ronan said and stepped past Adam, his eyes on fire with pain only he could feel.
"You're pretty transparent Ronan Lynch. What you feel is written in your eyes. And you forget I can read you very easily." Adam stepped closer to Ronan, then stepped in front of him. "And you should know that you're not the only one with feelings you try way too hard to hide." Adam smirked at Ronan and kept walking until he reached Ronan's work table. He sat on the tabletop and waited for the other boy to reach him.
"If I'm so damn transparent," Ronan muttered, "Then why don't you tell me what I'm thinking right now." Adam leaned towards the other boy still standing on the ground.
He got really close to the boy's face, and Ronan's breathing hitched. "Now that would ruin your so-called secret. So nah, let's just work and then sleep. If you still want to that is." Adam leaned back and smirked at Ronan's pissed face.
"Damn you, Parrish," Ronan growled and stepped away. Adam hopped down and brushed past him.
The rest of the night was spent in casual conversation while they worked. They fell asleep and did not dream. When they woke, they were close, sleep having brought their bodies together in a way that waking life did not allow. Fingers and legs were intertwined and when Ronan saw this, he immediately pushed away from the fair-haired boy.
Adam laughed and stretched. "Morning, Lynch."
"Don't fucking use my last name. I told you." Ronan got up and paced.
"Fine. Morning, asshole." Adam stood. "Are you always this charming in the morning?" He yawned. "Actually don't answer that."
"I wasn't planning on it." Ronan replied.
"So did it work? Did you dream?" Adam asked.
"Does it look like I dreamed?" Ronan snarled.
"I wouldn't know. The last time I saw you dream you just brought another you back to die, so I wouldn't know what's normal dream behavior for you." Adam snapped and turned away from Ronan. "We should go back. Gansey will be wondering what happened to us." He left the barn and reluctantly Ronan called Chainsaw and followed.
Ronan and Adam drove back to Monmouth in silence, words and feelings hanging in the air between them, at once both unsaid by either and somehow known by both.