When I stepped on the beach, I was not surprised to find it desert. It was often the case at this time of day as the others were finishing eating lunch. I had barely spent ten minutes there, eating as fast as I could while avoiding everyone's gaze. I knew my outburst had spread across the camp. Many at my table and at other stared at me.
I ignored them, as usual.
The only one I glanced at was Connor. I felt bad when I saw him looking at his food, lost in thoughts, while his brothers were playing with food and laughing loudly. He looked as depressed as I was.
Every time I was letting myself fool by this thought, I was shaking my head. Focusing back on my meal, I had tried not to let myself believe that. He was not. I was his friend, maybe he was concerned, or maybe just shocked I talked to him like that, but let's be honest, he was probably not as depressed as I was.
He did not lose the only remaining friend he had at camp.
So, sad and angry against myself, I had finished my lunch quickly and left in direction of the beach. I loved the peacefulness I could find there. It was a good place to be when I wanted to be alone.
Not that I really wanted to be alone. If only Piper was there, I could talk to her. I needed that. Someone to talk too. Maybe I should call my father, he would like that.
Staring at the sea, I sat on the sand. It was warm and soft against my skin and I sighed, trying to relax and forget about everything else.
"I'm sorry."
Startled, I quickly got up, ready to fight. When I turned toward the intruder, Connor appeared in front of me, his hands sunk in the pockets of his pants. Meeting my gaze, he added:
"For earlier. I did not want to upset you."
I stared at him for a few seconds: he looked genuinely sorry. I sat back on the sand, focusing on the sea ahead of me and put a strand of my hair back behind my ear before answering:
"It's okay."
Connor sat next to me in silence, his arm brushing against mine, and started to play with the sand.
As I observed him, his skilled hands building a sand castle quicker than I ever saw someone do, I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around it. His work was almost mesmerizing. Every one of his gesture was perfectly calculated, making the sand stand in place with what seem like almost no difficulty.
As he was building his fort, we stayed silent and my mind started to race. Why was he staying with me? I said it was okay, he could have left...
I got my answer when he asked:
"Why did you react like that? Why can't I make you smile?"
He did not look at me; instead he kept staring at his now almost finished castle.
"Just because." I sighed, resting my chin on my knees. "It's complicated."
Connor gave me a puzzled look and I felt myself weakening. "I have plenty of time."
I moistened my lips, thinking. I wanted to tell him so much. It would be easiest for the both of us. And at the same time I was afraid it would scare him. I did not want to lose him.
"I don't think I'm ready to tell it to someone else. I'm sorry."
Connor stopped his gesture as my words, making the sand in his hands fell little by little. He stared at me in disbelief: "Someone else? Who knows?"
I raised an eyebrow at his shocked expression. "Piper."
"Why?"
I would have smiled. He was so confused he had let the sand fall off his hand onto his pants making him look more like a ten-year old child than an almost full-grown man. "She's my best friend."
"And I'm not?"
I lowered my eyes on his knee brushing against my leg and thought about how I would rather have him as my boyfriend. Knowing, I would never be able to admit that, I said:
"Well, Piper is."
He cracked a smile and I felt he had cornered me right where he wanted to. "You can have two best friends, you know."
I squinted my eyes at him, on my guard, before saying: "Okay, you are my best friend too."
A mischievous smile on his lips, he bumped his shoulder into mine. "Great, so you can tell me."
As he was staring at me, waiting for my answer, I looked at his castle, standing proudly in the sand, looking majestic. At least, I had to admit he was determined. He would probably keep asking me until I would confess everything. Maybe it was time.
"Promise you won't tell anyone. And that you won't run away as soon as I'll finish telling you."
He smiled, a kind smile, one that I never saw him make before. He seemed relieved too as if me opening to him was the only thing he had wanted for a long time. "I promise."
As he uttered those two words, he quickly leaned over me and pressed a soft kiss on my shoulder. The feelings of his lips on my skin made my heart race in my chest and my brain shut down. Incapable of saying anything, I stared at him in disbelief. A playful smile hovered on his lips:
"Too much?"
I cleared my throat, disconcerted by his behavior. "Yeah."
I was shocked. I was not expecting him to do something like that, it was a gesture that felt so intimate, a gesture only a boyfriend would do to his girlfriend. Startled, I also began to worry that he was not taking the matter seriously. Unsure of whether or not I wanted to admit everything to him now, I looked away, staring at the sea for answers.
"I'm sorry, I'll behave." Connor quickly said, feeling my embarrassment and doubts. His playful smile disappeared replaced by a serious expression. I saw him smile warmly at me from the corners of my eyes and so I decided to say it:
"I'm cursed."
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt lighter. It was not much, in fact I had not said half of what I had to say, but already I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Connor did not move, waiting for me to keep going.
"Ever since I'm little, I can't smile. Well, technically I do, but if I do smile to someone, they kind of fall in love with me." I stopped and glanced at Connor. He was looking at the sea, processing what I was saying. His face was showing no emotions whatsoever and I began to worry I would lose him definitively. Feeling it was too late to back down, I glanced back at the sea, and kept going: "It's obsessional. They lose all notion of their wellbeing; they can't stop thinking about me and do everything to please me. Man or woman it doesn't matter. The only person I can smile to is my father." I gulped. "When I was little I did not know, I was always smiling. My father said I was the happiest little girl he had ever seen. Many people complimented him because my smile was the most charming thing they had ever seen. And when I reached six, it started. It took my father a few weeks to realize what was happening and then he forbade me to ever smile again. At this point, I had already made a dozens of person fall in love for me." I took a deep breath and lowered my eyes on my feet, hidden in the sand, I wanted to look at Connor, but I was afraid I would not be able to finish the story if I did. "I kept smiling with my father until I reached thirteen. I had the habit of smiling at home and one day, I slipped I smiled outside. I compelled three more persons. I never smiled since. Even now, I keep receiving letters from those who saw me smile when I was little. When I understood they were doing whatever I told them to, I asked them to get back to their life but even like that, they often bring flowers to my father's house and send presents for my birthday. I don't know how but every time I go back to see my father, they know, and they wait for me."
I stopped incapable of going on. Thinking back on all those lives I had broken made me want to cry. I know those men and women are not sad, they are probably happier now because they love me, they have a purpose, but I can't help but think about what they could have become if they had not met me. All those families that could have been created. Now they live alone, surrounded by pictures of me, thinking about me all the time. It's not a life.
"That's why I can't smile. I don't want to hurt someone else. And especially not you."
Pressing my knees to my chest, I looked back at Connor: he was staring at the sea blankly. After a few seconds, he met my gaze:
"So, you're not a robot." He smiled warmly, trying to comfort me, and I frowned. I was not expecting this reaction. Still, his warm smile warmed my heart. I would have smiled back if I could. Instead I shook my head and stared at my knees.
"Thank you for telling me." He lowered his head before looking back at me, as if he was afraid of saying what he was thinking: "I don't want to seem selfish, but it reassures me. I thought you hated me."
"I tried to hate you." I mumbled against my knees, startled by his words and the intensity of his voice. I could sense there was something behind it, a hidden meaning.
"This morning, I was close right? That's why you got upset?" I nodded. "I gotta say, it felt good to see you like that."
"Good to see me mad?" I raised an eyebrow at him.
"You know what I mean."
I nodded. I did. It felt good to see me feel something, act like a normal person. Looking back at the sea, I sighed.
"How many times did you want to smile during our talks?"
I frowned and met his blue eyes. He was serious, this question meant a lot for him, but I did not know why.
"A lot." I admitted.
"Tomorrow, let's meet here, at the same time, okay?" He asked me. He had his usual crooked smile, but his eyes were begging me to say yes.
I nodded. I was relieved. Relieved he wanted to see me again. Relieved he was not scared of me. Relieved to see our relationship had changed. I trusted him, he trusted me. I liked him, he liked me.