The flowers that were held so tightly in my hand felt like an ice cold pipe. The snow was falling in drifts and everything was dark. The silence was so deafening, it was like something was pounding against my ear drums, trying to capture my attention. But my attention was held by the wrought iron gates that enclosed so many people. I could feel the lump in my throat as I got closer, silently wishing that Harry was here to accompany me. But he was insistent because the paps would merely follow him and if Management caught wind of what I was doing, they would have completely gone haywire, leaking information to the paparazzi.
I didn't want that. I wanted peace and quiet.
Going alone made it so much harder. My pace kept slowing and I was forcing myself to move so that I'd get there before it got dark. But it didn't matter either way because the snow fall would have lit the place up.
My eyes sought out the reason why I was in this place and I located the very spot. It took every fibre of my being to walk down the familiar grassy path as I made my way to the familiar place. It was somewhere where I had spent many a day, talking and just getting things off my chest.
Seeing the headstone, it brought back a rush of memories from the funeral and her wake. I'd lost myself and slept with the first guy who had shown interest in me. And that guy just so happened to be Harry Styles.
I'd never been so embarrassed when he'd asked me what had happened to cause me to be so emotional. After explaining, he practically forced me to spend the day with him so that he could get to know me. And from then on, we just became close. At first, it was friends with benefits, because I was too scared to even contemplate on dating him, but then he said something that changed my perspective.
The media could have dug into my life, but it wouldn't matter because I was starting to fully live the life that my aunt had wanted me to live.
Collapsing at her headstone, I let out a sniffle as I felt the crippling pain once more, shoot through my heart. I hated how I had cared too much, because I knew how much I would hurt.
I had lost the best person who was practically my dad three years prior and then the one person who was my best friend was stolen from me as well. It was like life was teaching me not to hold on, because I'd only get hurt in the end.
I didn't notice that I was crying until I sniffed, my hand reaching up to rub my cold nose only to come across tear tracks.
I changed everything over. The dead flowers were replaced with fresh ones and I added my laminated Christmas card for her.
My mind took me back to when I first brought Harry here, to explain to him where I was going every other week. When I told him how much she had meant to me, almost instantly, he began talking as if she were there.
Never before had my heart melted. He spent an hour talking, saying how pretty I was, how proud of me he was and kept asking for her approval of our relationship. Eventually, a ray of sunshine shot through the clouds. It had been drizzly all week and it was the first bit of sunshine we'd seen. And as fast as it had appeared, it had gone. And we both understood. It was her approval.
More tears were falling by this point as I placed a hand on the headstone, letting the sobs leave my lips. I knew I needed to get it out of my system.
"You know, this year would have marked four years without him. And you always said that we were going to get drunk together and have a ladies night in. But here I am, crying over you." I got out a shaky laugh before more tears began to fall and I started crying all over again.
It was like I was being shaken by the pain, because my mind couldn't think straight.
I heard the creek of the gate and I felt my heart pound. If anyone recognised me, that would be it. I'd be hounded.
It was when I felt an extra layer get wrapped around me, and a set of arms wrapped around from behind. I took in the familiar tattoo and I relaxed, leaning into Harry as I let it all out.
"I'm sorry sweet pea." He murmured, finally turning me around and pulling me into an embrace. He was holding me, like he was stopping me from shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.
"I just, it hurts, Harry." He held me that little bit tighter, placing a kiss to the top of my head.
"Of course it will. I'd be more worried if it were painless. But listen to me. You're living your life, you've got your photography, you have your friends, family, me. You've been going on tours and been signed to a record label. It's happening for you and she'd be so proud of you, I just know it."
And it was almost like his words eased the pain that had been causing me so much grief for the past year.
I was living my life. I had a job, people who loved me and a hobby that I adored.
I finally looked up at Harry, letting my sobs subside into mere sniffles. I could see in his eyes the concern and heartbreak. To see me in such a state would probably scare anyone.
"I'm fine, I just, I just need to breathe." I muttered and he loosened his grip, laughing slightly.
"Even in a serious situation, you still manage to make me laugh." He teased and kissed the tip of my nose, wiping away the tear tracks. "Please, I'm here to help you."
I simply hid my face against his neck and he held onto me as we spent a few more moments before my teeth began to chatter from the cold that was coming from the snow which was still drifting down.
"I'll wait for you by the gate." He murmured, placing a kiss to my lips. The moment he stepped away, I felt the temperature change and it was like everything within me went cold, my heart, my lungs, my blood.
Turning to the headstone, I let out a gentle sigh before placing my hand on it, looking down at the letters that never failed to break my heart.
"Merry Christmas. I miss you, but I'll survive I think. I love you more than words will ever describe and I hope to god that you'll stay with me when I go travelling, just so I'm not by myself." I murmured before turning away and making my way back through the snow, following the path that I had created in the first place.
Once I reached the gates, I felt a hand envelope mine as he guided me back to his car, my mind in a state of numbness.
"You know that the paparazzi will be waiting, right?"
"Yeah."
"You ready to face them?"
"How do I look?" I didn't pull out the mirror from the compartment, putting my full trust in him for his answer.
"You have a cute look going on. You're cheeks and nose is bright red, and so are your eyes. No make-up running because I'd asked you not to wear any and your hair is windswept. To someone who glimpsed at you, you probably look like a bit of a train wreck, but to me, all I can see is natural beauty at its finest."
If my cheeks weren't already red, I was pretty sure they'd have gone red from that. It wasn't what I expected, but it was nice that he was honest with me.
"Well, I guess this is the best that they're gonna get then, aye?" I grinned cheekily at him as he began the drive back to his place.
"Well if they think they're getting any better, they can fuck off." He retorted back cheekily before he finally pulling up to his place. As promised, there were paps lurking in wait for us.
He paused before we got out of the car, and I turned to him in confusion.
"Harry, what-"
He cut me off instantly by kissing me. I melted against him as our lips moved in sync and the shouts of the paps grew louder, but with him and me, there was no media, there were no issues.
As he pulled apart, we both grinned and I felt myself leaning in once more, kissing his lips softly before we exited the car.
We ignored the paparazzi and made it inside, shedding our snow covered clothing. I went into his room and stole one of his sweaters.
Once I was changed, I went back to the lounge where he was sat under the blanket. He pulled back a corner and I joined him.
Once his arms were around me, I let myself completely relax as his hands worked over my tense shoulders, placing strategic kisses to my skin.
"Merry Christmas, love."
"Merry Christmas, Harry."