090:
Tracy curled on the couch, wrapped in blankets, with Melia in her arms and Megan on her lap. The TV was on softly. Background noise. Austin sat on the edge of one of the recliners and Julian the other. They were talking but she couldn't exactly make out their words. Bridget and her mother were in the kitchen with Coral and a woman from church. They were talking too. Talking-- talking... but she couldn't even make out one syllable.
Richard was on the floor, his back to her and his leg against hers where it had fallen out of the blanket. He kept touching her in an unobtrusive manner, she thought, to keep her diffused. He was playing with Danny, a little car game, on the lines in the carpet. He didn't seem to be paying any attention to Austin and Julian.
Her dad arrived a little while later. She got up to acknowledge him with a hug, and gave Shanna a kiss and Lorraine, her biological mother. They'd traveled together, and looked worn out. Right after them, as they were talking in the entry hall, and Tracy had gone back to the couch in the den to hold her babies, the doorbell announced another guest who had been let through security. This was General Thomas Colby, Raine's father for all intents and purposes. His Aunt and Uncle were on their way.
General Colby had been to the funeral home and was making all the funeral arrangements. Now he went to discuss these with the others.
Tracy curled back into the couch and Richard ran a palm up her ankle, still playing with Danny, and then let her go. His touch was reassuring. The one thing in her dark world that made any sense. She didn't talk. There was nothing to say, and for the most part, Bridget, who knew her moods, kept others from asking mundane questions, or giving platitudinal condolences, hollow and shapeless. She couldn't eat, and after a few attempts, no one had asked her about it anymore.
Danny....
Richard was the best thing for Danny.
Danny would look up from his playing and ask a question about his brother and Richard would answer him softly. Sometimes it was the same question. Sometimes it was about heaven, or about Raine, or about the fire, or about smoke. Richard never stopped answering softly. Not to put an image in Danny's mind that shouldn't be there, but to help him understand and to spare Tracy.
She tried to picture them in heaven. Was the spirit world really here? If so... were they here also, watching the proceedings? She thought she could hear his voice, "I will take care of Steven." But was that her own mind trying to comfort her? "Don't worry about Steven. He's with me." Was that Raine or The Savior? She shook her head as if to clear it, and stared once again at Danny's little cars and the carpet. Her eyes lost focus.
Her thoughts were raveled, tangled. She couldn't feel any evidence of a Savior right now. She'd done what she thought was right,what the church taught, and still this-- the greatest of losses. The most hateful of crimes, the weirdest of outcomes. God had spared Steven's life ten months ago—spared him from AIDS, spared him from RDS, and taken him just ten months later in a fire? Was that cruel? Cruel.... Cruel....
"If I'd turned back sooner...." She whispered, not knowing she'd said it out loud.
"What?" Richard leaned into her leg just slightly, no one else would even know he'd done it.
"I was inspired to turn back sooner. If only I'd listened." Her voice had a dreamlike quality, and he wasn't sure if she was talking to him or herself. He rubbed her ankle comfortingly. She wasn't wearing her normal moccasins. For obvious reasons. He shook himself, not wanting to think about that.
Her eyes were closed. "It's my fault."
Alarm bells seemed to go off in Richard's mind. He disentangled himself from Danny's toys and turned on his knees, leaning toward her, till his face was just inches away. "Open those pretty baby blues." He demanded firmly, his voice low enough only she would hear. Nevertheless, the rooms seemed to quiet instantly. "Listen to me." Her eyes opened. "This is not your fault."
"I think I could have turned back sooner. It was like I felt something inside that I should go back."
"You were out jogging, and you felt like you should turn back?"
"And Raine said maybe it was Mother's Instinct, and that when we have stewardship for people, we get inspiration for them. I was being inspired for Steven. I had stewardship for...."
"Tracy, no, this is not your fault. Not your fault. You couldn't have known. Tracy, you couldn't have got back in time no matter what." Richard had both hands on her wrists now, kneeling between her legs. "There were explosives planted in your house. You couldn't have stopped it, and even one more minute or ten more minutes back, the house was already engulfed after the first two explosions which were within seconds of each other. No matter how fast you or Raine had run, you'd never have been able to effect a different outcome. Except Raine was able to get up those stairs before they collapsed, and thereby save the three that he did. That's a miracle, Tracy. He was guided to save them, and did all he could."
She stared at him now, her cheeks red and puffy. His eyes searched hers. "Don't add this to all your burdens. This is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Even if the spirit prepared you ahead of time, and maybe that's true, maybe he gave you a momentary head's up, so you'd not have the same kind of shock, I don't know, but nothing you could have done would have made any difference. If you'd been inside that house when the third explosive detonated, you'd have been killed."
Brokenly, Richard sobbed, kneeling in despair in front of her, and finally, Tracy pulled his face to her neck and squeezed her eyes shut, crying silently.
"It's not your fault." Richard sobbed. "It's not your fault."
"Raine..... I want Raine...."
"I know. I wish he were here right now. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Not like this, not like this. Not in a million years. No. I'd give anything to get him back." Richard was shaking against her as she tangled her fingers in his hair and shook with silent tears.
"Raine died saving three beautiful children, think of that. He gave his life for theirs, without a second thought. Tracy, he loved you so much. And them, every one of them. He went back for Steven, it wasn't in him to stop for anything. If you'd asked him ahead of time, would you die to save Steven, you know he'd have said yes. He'd have never given up looking for him."
Richard was murmuring incoherently now, but Tracy was gasping and gulping air and her tears were streaming down her cheeks into her hair and his hair.
Julian looked at Bridget who had come to stand at the edge of the room. "That's sick."
"It's not. It's beautiful, and comforting." She answered and Lorraine came to stand beside her, arms crossed, nodding agreement.
Ray made it past the gathering at the edge of the carpet and knelt beside Tracy and Richard, running a hand over her hair. "We're here, baby. We love you and we're here."
Tracy nodded against Richard's dark head, that same constricting breath crushed her. "I feel like I killed my best friend."
Richard leaned back from her, his righteous indignation filling his eyes. His whole face contorted with grief. "No, Trace, you did not kill your best friend. Some maniac out there, some sick and twisted, detestable perverted asshole----." He swallowed spit and shook her shoulders. "You did not do this."
"He wanted to kill me, Richard. The bombs were meant to kill me! I should have died, not them! I should have....!"
Richard grabbed her hands and pulled them forcefully away from her face. "It wasn't your call, Trace. God left you here to care for those kids, they need their momma. You live for them, dammit, Tracy, you live for them. You are here because of a miracle, take it for what it is! You weren't supposed to die!"
"Raine and Steven and Monday weren't supposed to die, Richard!" Now Julian picked Danny up and took him into the kitchen.
"It was their time, Trace."
"Bullshit! It was not their time! I don't believe that! That's a lie!"
"It was God's will."
"Bullshit, Richard, stop saying that!" She tried to get up. "It was evil. And whoever did this is evil. And it wasn't supposed to happen. God didn't want it to happen. And I should have listened better."
"It doesn't matter. God loves them, and he's taking care of them. Like those people in the Book of Mormon, Trace, you know, those people we were reading about. Remember Alma and Amulek? Remember?" He was racing through his words, and she was staring at him in tortured pain. "Remember they threw them into the fire? The women and children, and Amulek wanted Alma to stop them, and he couldn't, because they had hardened their hearts and it condemned them."
"You're blabbering. Not making sense." She sobbed, still searching his eyes, trying to find any semblance of hope.
"No, it's in Alma, and I'm not saying it right. I'm too out of it. But it's true. The wicked are allowed to prove their wickedness, Trace. In some cases, not all cases, but it's like war and the evil there. Why doesn't God stop it? He can. He could. But he allows it, so that everybody has the chance to prove which side they're on."
"You're saying Raine and Steven and Monday had to die so that the evil man who did this could prove to God that he is evil? I don't believe you! Stop it. This doesn't help me!"
"Find your faith."
"No! Stop it! Leave me alone!"
Bridget stepped into the room just as Ray was trying to extricate Tracy from Richard's arms. He brushed both of them off.
"Let her be." He choked vehemently, knocking their hands aside. "Tracy, listen to me. It's God's plan, trust that, okay? Trust in God, that he has a plan and that it's going to be okay."
She gripped his wrists again, her fingernails causing lines in the skin. Torrential tears streamed down both of their cheeks. "How do you know?"
Richard grabbed her cheeks as well and they sat there squeezing each other, looking into each other's eyes, locked in a contest of hysterical wills. "I know." He gritted out. "I know God loves us. I know he is aware of each one of us. You most of all right now. He knows the pain you are in. He knows and he's going to help you through it. Let it go, Tracy, let it go."
She shook harder and he held her firmly. Her hands dropped and he leaned in to kiss her lips forcefully. "I love you." He backed up. "Hold onto that, baby, hold on."
At that moment it was all she had. Hang onto that.... She told herself. There are kids to care for, miracle kids, Raine's kids. God loves us. It's in his hands. There is still love in this world, lots of love.
She took a deep shuddering breath. Richard sat back on his butt and let his head fall into his hands. A little hand found its way to his shoulder and he turned to take Danny onto his lap. "It's not Momma's fault."
"No. Not momma's fault."
"She didn't burn our house down. Just the bad man did it."
"The bad guy did it."
"I hate the bad guys."
"I know."
"I love you, Momma." Danny crawled over Richard and pulled himself into Tracy's lap, and she held him tightly. "You're a good momma."
Her eyes met Richard's over Danny's head and she nodded. This crises was over for now. Averted, got through, survived.
*****