I leaned against the door of my house, closing my eyes and letting the day's events reel through my head like an old movie: something I watched, but wasn't emotionally attached enough to experience.
First, one of my only friends told me that she decided we didn't "connect" well enough. Whatever that means. And for whatever reason, I found I didn't really care. She wasn't wrong, so I just agreed that we shouldn't waste each others' time and we parted as acquaintances.
Second, I found out I had failed a science quiz. You know, that one that I needed to pull up my already atrocious grade? That one. And yet, I still didn't care. My teacher would offer extra credit eventually so the grades would reflect better on her, so there wasn't much to worry about.
Third, I managed to forget I had a student council meeting. Again. Meaning that I would have to explain myself to the council president. Again. But a little secret? Student council makes me unhappy, and I only ran because my now ex-friend pressured me into doing it.
All of that splashed over me like a wave, but it wasn't quite big enough to leave me completely drenched. Sure, I felt it, but not so much that it would stop me from doing what I really wanted. Honestly, what I truly needed was to escape to my room, avoiding questions from my nosy mother and sarcastic remarks from my pest of a brother. And I wanted nothing more than to hear from Nina, the person I always went to when I felt empty.
These thoughts were quickly chased out of my mind, however, when my mother put a hand on my shoulder as I put my backpack down, stopping me in my tracks. I whirled around like a deer in headlights as I was subjected to her steady, impartial gaze. I took a deep breath; I wasn't going to like this conversation.
"I wanted to talk to you today," she said, taking a step back to give me some space. I let out an audible sigh of relief, immediately guilt-struck when she gave me a hurt look.
I bit my lip and put on my best attempt at a smile. My mother wasn't the most talkative person, and if she wanted to say something, it would be insensitive shut her down. I swallowed my pride and shrank back into the wall, pushing back my desire to sink into the mustard yellow paint to escape.
"Have you given out our address to any of your... virtual friends?" she asked, her mouth curling into a frown.
My eyes widened a bit and I looked down, suddenly very aware of the scuff mark on my left boot.
Her eyes narrowed into a laser beam of disappointment. "How many people?"
"Only one!" I reassured her immediately, jerking my head up as if to convince her through unwavering eye contact.
She moved her hand from behind her back, revealing a large, almost rustic looking envelope clutched in her grip.
"A letter arrived for you, Astrid, and if I ever see that you've given our private information away to a stranger again, I will take away your internet privileges for good," she said, dropping the thick envelope into my unsuspecting arms. I schooled my face into a look of remorse, not because I meant it, but because I knew it was what she wanted to see. I didn't bother arguing that Nina was my best friend and most definitely not a stranger. I knew my mother wouldn't have any of it. she had always looked down on talking with people online, especially in a foreign country.
"I won't" I promised, slipping around her as casually as I could and backing up to the base of the stairs. Turning away from her disappointed scowl, I rushed upstairs before she could realize that taking the letter away from me would be the most effective punishment to get me to stop giving out our address.
As soon as I got into my room, I slammed the door shut and launched myself onto my maroon bedspread, kicking off my shoes in the process. I sat up and began tearing into the envelope. Two sheets of paper fell out, covered in messily written words and marks that looked like dried water. I took the first sheet and began to read.
October 8th
Dear Astrid,
I really don't know how to start this. You've been so kind to me for so long, and it seemed wrong to tell you this over the internet, where words and intents are lost and discarded without thought.
A water stain.
I can't do this anymore. I've tried. I've tried really hard. But I can't.
Another.
Please forgive me Astrid. There was nothing else for me to do. I don't want to stay, I want it to be over. Everything's getting worse. He's getting worse. He's becoming more and more aggressive and I'm terrified. I can't tell anyone around me, they'll only try to fix it. But there is no fixing this. I'm only telling you this because you, of all people, deserve an explanation.
You, of all people, were the only person who stayed with me.
Several more water marks.
My mom can't do anything, she's never around. And my dad is still a jerk. I only feel bad about leaving Sam with them. But maybe she'll be able to make things better with me gone.
Without me as a constant burden.
Words were smeared with the marks.
I love you. I'll miss you when I'm gone. I plan on waiting two weeks after I've sent this letter, so you won't have to hear of my death before I told you. It's killing me to wait. But I don't think I'd be able to die knowing that you never got the explanation that you deserve.
Goodbye, Astrid.
Love, Nina
The entire bottom half of the page was crinkled, a darker color than that of the rest.
As if someone had sobbed onto it.
I dropped the page, mind racing to comprehend what I had just read. To figure out if it could be real.
I reached for the second sheet of paper, and could barely pick it up, my shaking hands making it almost impossible to grab. I finally got a grip on the now scrunched corner of the paper to see that what I had previously mistaken for words was actually a sketch of a flower, all of its petals having fallen off but one. Beneath it, it said,
Thanks for sticking around, Astrid.
I blinked and thought about that figurative wave from earlier. The one that wasn't quite there enough to soaked. Because suddenly, I was drowning in it.
I didn't realize I was crying until the silent tears became dry heaves that raked my entire body. A damp spot of salty water was growing on my covers, turning the blankets an even darker red.
The color of blood.
I'd known about Davis for a few years, and though he's always seemed a bit forceful from Nina's stories, I never would have guessed she was being abused by the creep. And if my friend was even considering leaving her beloved younger sister...things must be worse then I would have ever known.
After what felt like hours of tears, I managed to compose myself enough to read the letter again, trying to control my emotion so my mother wouldn't hear my crying from the kitchen. As I scanned for answers, I finally managed to spot a glimmer of hope, peaking out from between the lines.
"I plan on waiting two weeks after I've sent this letter, so you won't have to hear of my death before I told you."
My eyes strayed to the top of the worn page, and I allowed a small smile to creep its way onto my lips.
It was written on October 8th.
That day was October 15th.
Nina's plan was to kill herself on October 22nd. I could still save her.
And I fully intended to do so.