This CANNOT be happening to him! It so cannot!
Oh! But it is! It so is.
He can't seem to understand since when did his life turn into a joke. A BIG FAT HUMORLESS JOKE! But it has. It most definitely has.
Come to think of it, he can, he so can. It was the moment he was provoked by Mrs. JaiSingh, when she had challenged him. He had no other option. He was put on a spot, in front of the media no less and when it comes down to it; there are two things that Anshuman Rathore simply cannot accept, cannot tolerate – backing out of a challenge & being called a fraud, a liar. And so he had went ahead and blasted his mouth off when he had said he would bring his first wife back with him, if she so wanted.
Though, that was never what he wanted. Nor had it occurred to him what exactly was it that he was walking into and what would be its repercussions.
But he is a Rathore. And if there is one thing he knows better than his own name and his business, it is that Rathores are men of their words. So he had set off to fulfill his.
He went to Chittorgarh, in search of his first wife. A wife he did not want in the first place, a wife he wanted to get rid of. Paakhi.
A wife, he ended up bringing with him into his home, in his life.
And now here he is! And he sure feels as if he is sinking. He just can't catch a break around here, can he?
He has never ever, EVER in his life met a challenge and not accepted it. Never backed out on it and never lost any either.
But it seems his winning streak is finally running out on him. He is losing his touch. Oh man how is this happening to him and WHY? This girl seems to be his undoing. The bane of his existence. His curse.
Yes! Yes that's what exactly she was. She is. Now he knows what poor Sisyphus must be going through. He knows now what Prometheus must have felt, when every time his liver was being eaten out by that eagle.
He is always, so close. Oh so close. But it always is a mirage, an illusion he fancies himself with, deludes him into.
For that boulder always rolls down and he has to start pushing it up all over again. His rekindled resolve is crumbled to pieces, time and again.
She was, is his Sisyphean task. Getting her to walk out on him, his life, his home, even his stubborn, spoilt brat of a son cannot be labeled as anything else. And it simply is not happening.
How is she so patient, so infinitely kind, so forgiving, so.... so good is beyond him. He has never met anyone like her. So giving, so selfless, so strong, and so full of life and humor. So fascinating, maddening and mesmerizing all at once.
All of which makes it so much INFURIATING.
He is mad at her all the time but can't show it. He has to be the good guy after all. He has to make it seem like she is the one deserting him. That he is the innocent one, the victim, the one left behind, abandoned, made lonely after all his image, his reputation was, is at stake.
And so he is constantly mad at himself.
Mad because she makes it so much difficult to stay mad at her for anything she does, except staying in his life.
He has loathed hypocrites all his life. His name, fame and fortune have made it a hazard he has to endure. And today that's what exactly he has become. A hypocrite. A bloody lying hypocrite who can't ask his wife to leave him because he doesn't want to stay married to her. Because he had it all sorted out in his head.
His life. His future.
He would have married Tanya and they would have been perfect together. He would have sent Ayaan to live in hostels and boarding schools, right till he finished his college education and perhaps, if he ever felt an inclination and Tanya was willing; he would have another child in the future too.
And he would have left the mark of Rathore all over the world, with Rana' resources at his disposal as well now.
But then life threw him a curve and all his plans went awry.
He tries it, so very much each and every single day. To get her to leave him. So many plans wasted, so many strategies ruined. Because nothing ever works. EVER.
How she finds the will and ways to get out of everything and anything he, his sister, his son, even the damn servants at his home throw at her he could, would never know.
Because she always emerges victorious.
She always ends up with a smile on her face. Even when Ayaan had had her jailed! And he had thought that would be the master stroke, the end of everything.
Surely any girl, any OTHER girl with half a lick of sense would have been running for the hills after that if not upon learning in the very first instance that her husband, a man she waited for eighteen years, had not only married again, in a way ditching her, cheating on her, but also bore a son with that wife.
But oh no, not her.
She always is as cool as a cucumber and sweet as honey with Ayaan and him even after the jail incident. Though he did catch a glimpse of the fire in her when she blasted Maahji and while he will never even on gunpoint admit to this, she had amazed him and TERRIFIED him all at the same time.
He is not sure of what it will take to finally get her to walk out of his home and him but he is sure of one thing. He definitely DOES NOT want to be on the receiving end of her ire.
And goddamn it she is also oh so gorgeous.
He tried to avoid it, being attracted to her, avoided her like the plague. But she snuck up on him and he hates to admit it, so very much, also in a way grow on him.
But it was inevitable.
Because whenever he thinks she will back down from a challenge, she accepts it. Whenever he finds her floundering and flailing, she rises like a phoenix from the ashes and comes out conquering.
She is so different from him in so many ways, she is ridiculous, and she is naive. But also so very like him as well in some ways. She is hardworking and tenacious with a will of iron.
It is mind boggling. She is mind boggling.
Also she is beyond gorgeous. That does nothing to help matters.
And before he knew it, he found himself waist deep in quicksand, trying to hold onto to something, anything that would help him get out of it. Save his dear life.
He never realized it, the power of a smile, of laughter. But being around her has taken its toll on his immunity to these charms as well which never happened before. Figures. Anshuman Rathore, this girl is your very doom, your worst nightmare come true and your wife – lawfully wedded at that.
Now no matter what he does, what he tries he simply cannot escape it. Stop it. His reaction to her smiles and her laughter. He likes her smiles, they are sometimes sweet and sometimes so impish, her eyes have a twinkle when she smiles and a mischievous one at that, when there is something going on around in that absolutely brilliant mind of hers.
But it is her laughter that does it for him. Truth be told, he could not help but be drawn to it. It is infectious; it was so very open, so carefree. So REAL. He found himself smirking at her, when she got into those silly jams, which she invariably always did. Though how she manages to pull him in as well is beyond him, despite every attempt at reasoning. He still finds it impossible to believe he had to rescue her from under a bed. A Bed! Who gets trapped under a bed of all the places? Not to mention that he, Anshuman Rathore, found himself pleating a sari, yes a sari! Though he will not let his mind wander, to the fact, that he had tucked it in too. No, absolutely not going there.
Anyway, he was thinking about her smiles & laughter. He finds himself holding back, choking down the response that ensues at the sight of her laughing. Though, he always does not succeed in it. Sometimes he ends up laughing right with her, even at himself.
Then there are those eyes. Those gorgeous eyes which baffle him, bewitch him and weirdly so... speak to him.
He never knew eyes could be so communicative. Sure he has been around beautiful women before, but none like her. Someone whose beauty shone not only on her face and in the way she carried herself gracefully or dressed, but someone whose eyes reflected the beauty of who she was as a person.
He had heard it many a times about eyes being the reflection of the soul, but he never believed in it. Thought it a pretty thought but poetic nonsense. Until he met her.
And understood what all those songs and poets meant.
For her eyes truly reflect the beauty of her heart, her soul and he cannot help but be lost in them whenever the occasion arises.
Also he never realized he could be a guy with a fetish. No, honestly!
But weirdly enough with her in the picture even the impossibility of it went out of the window.
She has the most alluring waist he has ever seen! And she is dressed in a sari of all things most of the time!
God! Since when did he find saris erotic? Utterly stimulating. Something has finally broken in his brain and went wrong with him.
It isn't as if he hasn't ever noticed the allure of a pretty woman in a sari. He has. But none like her.
Every time that sinuous, smooth piece of skin makes its appearance in front of him he loses his train of thought. Can think of nothing but running his hands.... and more over those soft, perfectly sinful curves.
He may have also taken a cold shower or two as well after those brief, tantalizing appearances, but who's keeping a count, right?
It doesn't help matters, when he finds himself tongue-tied and speechless as well when it comes to her. Which happens; a LOT if you ask him. And he so doesn't like it when that happens.
If it isn't one thing it's another. How does she do it? Leave him at a loss for words, he can't get it.
It can be her simple honesty, her otherworldly beauty or simply her absolute devotion towards him and complete trust in him.
He would have found this, the chance to get rid of her, a lot easier if that wasn't the case.
You can outwit a competitor, take on an opponent and get back at your enemies. He had learned that and more from his shrewd grandfather and father over the years and honed the principle, the skill when he started handling the business.
But he never quite mastered the art of defeating someone who doesn't purposely go against you.
Of outwitting someone who only has the best of intentions, for him, at heart.
He never quite learned how to compete with such complete, absolute faith. In him.
He doesn't know how to break the woman who loves him with all her heart.
And that makes him hate himself too now, if he has to be honest with himself.
He thought he was in a soup when she first landed up here, in his life, in his home that day when her family declared, Paakhi has decided to she would go with him. When he had learned that the wife he planned to divorce the first chance he got, was actually planning to spend the rest of her life with him.
But that was nothing compared to what he feels now.
For now he knows the sound of her laughter and the serenity of her smiles. The taste of the food she so lovingly prepares for him. Knows the softness of her hands, the tenderness of her touch. Even if he can't quite comprehend her nonsensical babble about the language of touches she so believes in and told him about, can't wrap his head around the idea of it.
Now he knows what she sounds like when she is upset or happy and how she looks when she teases him and flirts with him.
That was quite a shocker for him actually.
He had heard it from Lavanya didi, she may be a village simpleton but she will try her hand at being a seductress; on that very first night. But she was nothing like it.
On the contrary she was shy and blushed scarlet when they shared that moment, with her in that wet sari or when he had found her almost in his arms, gentle and vulnerable, surrendering to him and shying away from him all at once. And it would happen in all and any moments when he found himself in proximity with her. In an intimate moment all on their own.
She never once has attempted to tempt him, seduce him. She however, shamelessly, completely and totally flirts with him at times, which he finds embarrassing and maddening, when he can so totally see she enjoys these moments unabashedly.
And he finds himself wondering, if things were different between them, had he not wanted to be rid of her, he would have so totally shown her who she was messing with, things alas are not meant to be so.
And so despite all his attempts to throw Paakhi out of his life, he finds himself now sinking.
Only his neck and head are safe now, he is still jerking his arms around while the rest of him feels lost to the quicksand now. And he is still looking for help.
But nothing is at his disposal.
He muses at the prospect of her actually leaving him. He can't pinpoint the moment, the day when it happened, when she became more than a nuisance to him, but he knows for sure, in a corner of his heart, if she leaves him - if his mission succeeds, his goal accomplished – he will miss her.
He finds his heart sinking at the mere thought. As well as sinking at the thought of that not happening until the end of his days when he would be old and gray and probably a granddad to Ayaan' kids and find himself beside her, just as old and gray and wrinkled as him. Because that would mean he is losing. For the first time in his life, he would be defeated.
Sinking in the thoughts of her and, a different future which could have been possible for them had their past been any different.
Sinking in the dawn of the realization that contrary to all his prior beliefs and ideas, she may be the missing piece of the puzzle of his life and of his heart, and with her gone he may not find that bliss, that happiness in his life ever again, he secretly has always longed for. Even with Tanya.
Paakhi, he thinks to himself, is quicksand. And he keeps on sinking all the more with every moment he makes.
He can't find a rope, a way to be rescued. He can't have a lifeline. He can't be with her or without her now.
And he doesn't know what to do with himself, at the acknowledgement of it.
So he decides, for the time being, in the moment to just relax and let time unravel itself. He can't do anything that can construct a way out of this mess for him.
He might as well watch the movie that he stupidly found himself viewing with Paakhi. They are in their bedroom as he had been upset, Lavanya didi had revealed to him Girish had cheated on her and Naina was his own child.
He had been so angry and swung a fist at Girish too, it would have landed on his jaw as well had it not been for Paakhi stepping in between them at the last moment. He had been angry and violent even when she had walked him back to his, no their bedroom and asked Girish quietly to leave for now.
He lost track of time and was so rude with her as well when she brought him dinner, even when he said he dint want to eat.
But then, after about an hour, when he saw there was dinner for two on the food trolley and realized she hadn't had dinner as well, he finally relented.
How they got to watching a movie is honestly a blur in his mind. May be it was when she saw he was making no efforts to keep up the conversation she so clearly was trying to make, that she switched on the TV and tuned into a movie channel.
Trying to drown out the painful silence in the mindless chatter of the idiot box. A way to kill time. A way to just forget, for a few peaceful moments the havoc that had wrecked his sister' life and her marriage, when she had finally found the happiness that had for so longed for, which eluded her.
How they got here he can't decide, can't comprehend. They are watching Titanic, the tale of two doomed lovers with an everlasting romance and an unforgettable love story.
Oh how he wishes he could laugh at the irony of that in the moment.
But here they are. With her beside him, in his arms. He has his arm around her shoulders and she has her head pillowed on his. He is watching the movie, with his head resting against the top of her head.
Given the fact he doesn't love her, the fact he doesn't want her, the situation should be awkward and embarrassing but nothing is. If at all, it is soothing and comforting.
The movie is near its end now; Titanic is sinking like it was never meant to. Kate Winslet' character Rose jumps back on the sinking ship to be with Jack, Leonardo Di Caprio' character even if it means she will be fish food, found perhaps as rotting bones, if ever, just to be with the man she loves.
And without the shot of a doubt with all certainty, despite the humongous problem at hand, at his doorstep, in his sister' life he knows. He KNOWS positively, that if ever a time came when he found himself sinking with no way out, Paakhi would do the same.
Any other day, any other moment he would have felt himself socked in the gut at this realization, but today, in this moment it fills his heart with a feeling he can't, isn't ready to name yet. All he knows is, this feeling it seems like light at the end of a tunnel to him. And it's comforting.
Just like Rose in the movie, Paakhi will be there for him, with him. Before knowing her, meeting her, before everything he would have laughed at a statement like that. Made a wise crack or two, but not now.
He feels her love for him, all encompassing, all giving and it is frightening to say the least. He is terrified of the possibility that he may just never surface once he is completely emerged. Not when perhaps he still can, even when a voice in his head, his heart whispers it's already too late Anshuman. You are in too deep now.
He is even more afraid, of losing that love, of losing her.
He doesn't know when, but a seed of doubt was planted in his mind when he saw just how much he means to her and wondered to himself, will Tanya ever love me like this? His late wife Kamya, loved him, and he loved her as well. But this..... this all engulfing feeling was never a part of their relationship; neither did he ever find himself feeling with Tanya like this either.
But he does with Paakhi.
He isn't in love with her, he knows it.
He hasn't allowed himself that possibility, that opportunity. But he knows, feels it in his bones, should ever a situation like this arise. Where he and Paakhi find themselves on some sinking ship with the chance of only one surviving, he would willingly handover the lifejacket to her.
He doesn't fancy himself as some Romeo, hasn't been a savior or a martyr ever in his life. But for her, he would willingly drown, if it means she would live. As he very well knows, she would not let that happen and would switch places with him in the situation in the span of a heartbeat.
He knows he is beyond redemption now – for he still will be scheming tricks, to get rid of the one person in this world who loves him with all her being, not the business tycoon, media magnate and rich and powerful man Anshuman Rathore, just him Anshuman.
And he knows he is beyond rescuing as well, for he isn't merely sinking anymore in the thought of her and the temptation of them. There is not a chance of revival now or even a possibility of resuscitation.
Her love for him is quicksand and he is visible no more.
Strange how, when he finally acknowledges that, he finds himself freer, more alive than he has ever felt. More content than he has ever been in all his life.