Tamlin was called away to the borders just hours after I'd found the head and he'd been gone overnight. He wouldn't tell me what was going on but I'd learned to expect as much. I wasn't too worried about it anyway, I had enough on my plate to think about. I spent the day in my room alone with my thoughts.
I wasn't sure what was happening between Tamlin and I anymore. One moment I was screaming at him and the next I was craving his touch. He kept things from me and made decisions for me, but he constantly took me to new places for me to paint and had been so moved by my painting of the forest back home... He was protective which meant he cared deeply for me, right? But was there even any point in growing any feelings for Tamlin when I knew I had a mate - that I had an ancient connection with an immortal being that ran deeper than any love a mortal could fathom.
But was a mating bond enough? Would I ever love Rhysand? Was it worth discounting everything Tamlin offered to wait for Rhysand? I thought back to the pull I'd felt that night. Just the memories lit the flame in my chest and I felt the bond come to life from where it rest. It was magic. It had to be. It made me so vulnerable, so open and trusting. So easily hurt.
It seemed that no matter what fate I chose, I would lose. One way or another my mortal heart would be shattered.
I sighed and rolled over in my bed and heard a crackle from my pocket.
The note.
I'd almost forgotten about the note that appeared to me with the head. The note I should have just given to Tamlin. It probably had a death threat for him that he would now know nothing about and would soon walk straight into a trap. I muttered a curse under my breath and pulled out the small piece of paper.
"I-it... It's..." I whispered, frustrated. "N-no... No-not wha-what... It's not what... Y-you... Th-thi... Thin-think... It's not what you think," I finally mumbled. Why would the Night Court tell Tamlin that the severed head... Oh. This was from Rhysand. A hand flew to my chest as the cord suddenly went taut for the first time since I'd last seen him. I wish this was easier. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could at least respond, dammit.
A pen appeared in front of me and I yipped in surprise.
Too bad I can't do anything with this. Turmoil sank in me, knowing that I could be communicating with Rhysand for the first time since Fire Night but I was too stupid.
You are hardly what I would call stupid, said a voice in my head. I nearly peed my pants. The voice chuckled. Not just a voice - Rhysand's voice.
Overwhelming relief flooded through me. I couldn't believe how much I'd missed that voice - the voice I'd only heard for one day but was easily a part of me now. The bond flooded with warmth.
I don't have much time, Feyre, I closed my eyes as he said my name. It's a risk for me to talk to you this way, but... it's been getting hard - on the bond - to be without you. I sent you the note but didn't get a response. I was just checking in on you when you were reading it.
I blushed. He'd listened to me sounding out his short, little note like a child.
I can teach you, but that will be another time... There wasn't an ounce of condescension in his voice. You can mentally respond, Feyre.
I sat up and sucked in a breath. I missed you, I said before I could think about it too long.
It's strange, isn't it? That I feel as though I've loved you all my life but I know little of your life.
I was holding my breath, my head growing fuzzy as I forced an exhale. Yes, quite strange... What was that today?
It's complicated... he said, his inner voice quiet in my head. But I will say that man felt no pain. When Amarantha bids me to tasks like these, I do what I can to choose those who have committed enough crimes, they deserved such a fate. And even then I usually protect their minds from the pain.
I didn't know what to say to that. He was the most powerful being I'd ever known and yet he was a slave. I felt a small crack shudder through my heart.
I'll be seeing you soon, his voice continued but I knew he'd heard my thoughts. Amarantha has a plan to send me to check on Tamlin. His time is running out.
How much longer? I asked through the bond.
Less than a week, he answered. I paled. Did Tamlin love me? If he didn't would he in a week? I'm going to be coming to the Spring Court. I'll be coming as a dark lord, to intimidate Tamlin...
I realized in his silence that he was asking me to understand - that this dark lord persona was an act, an armor of protection against anyone who might dare to come to close. A weapon against Amarantha. A weapon to protect the truth.
Tell me about those you love, I whispered to the bond.
A warm presence pulled me through the bond. I can't wait for you to meet them... he trailed off.
After a moment, after I thought he was surely gone, he said, I haven't forgotten about you for a moment. This bond has kept me going, Feyre... I hope I can earn back any respect you lose for me throughout this.
Before I could stop to connect the dots I responded, We are both playing a game of lies to protect and save people we care about. I'm ashamed of what I'm trying to do to Tamlin every day, but he can't know of my knowledge of his curse or of my plan. If it's going to be worth it, he can't know. You are doing what you have to, I understand that.
Neither of us said anything after that. Night had settled in around me and I felt sleep beckoning. Just as I shut my eyes for the last time that night I heard him one last time, softer than anything he'd said before.
I'll see you soon, Feyre.
I awoke the next day to the sound of merry fiddling, and when I looked out the window I found the garden bedecked in ribbons and streamers. On the distant hills, I spied the makings of fires and maypoles being raised. When I asked Alis she simply said, "Summer Solstice. The main celebration used to be at Summer Court, but... things are different. So now we have one here, too. You're going."
Summer - in the weeks that I'd been painting and dining with Tamlin and wandering around the court lands at his side, summer had come. Did my family still truly believe me to be visiting some long-lost aunt like Tamlin glamoured them to believe? What were they doing with themselves? If it was the solstice, then there would be a small gathering in the village center - nothing religious, of course; just some shared food, donated ale from the solitary tavern, and maybe some line dances. The only thing to celebrate was a day's break from the long summer days of planting and tilling. From the decorations around the estate, I could tell this would be something far grander - far more spirited.
Tamlin remained gone for most of the day. Worry gnawed at me even as I painted a quick, loose rendering of the streamers and ribbons in the garden. Idly, I'd hoped that this night would be similar to Fire Night, in that this would be when Rhysand would come, though perhaps that was selfish of me seeing as he was being sent to give Tamlin an unwelcome message.
It wasn't until late afternoon that I heard Tamlin's deep voice and Lucien's braying laugh echo through the halls all the way to my painting room. Relief sent my chest caving in, but as I rushed to find them, Alis yanked me upstairs. She stripped off my paint-splattered clothes and insisted I change into a flowingm cornflower blue chiffon gown. She left my hair unbound but wove a garland of pink, white, and blue wildflowers around the crown of my head.
I might have felt childish with it on, but in the months I'd been there, my sharp bones and skeletal form had filled out. A woman's body. I ran my hands over the sweeping, soft curves of my waist and hips. I had never thought I would feel anything but muscle and bone.
"Caldron boil me," Lucien whistled as I came down the stairs. "She looks positively Fae."
I was too busy looking Tamlin over - scanning for any injury, any sign of blood or mark that an enemy might have left - to thank Lucien for his compliment. But Tamlin was clean, almost glowing, completely unarmed - and smiling at me. Whatever he'd gone to deal with had left him unscathed. "You look lovely," Tamlin murmured.
I squared my shoulders, disinclined to let him see how much his words or voice or sheer well-being impacted me. Not yet. "I'm surprised I'm even allowed to participate tonight."
"Unfortunately for you and your neck," Lucien countered, "tonight's just a party."
I blushed, thinking of Rhysand. I wrapped myself around the bond and immediately felt his presence respond.
"Do you lie awake at night to come up with all your witty replies for the following day?"
Lucien winked at me, and Tamlin laughed and offered me his arm. "He's right," the High Lord said. I was aware of every inch where we touched, of the hard muscles beneath his green tunic. He led me into the garden, and Lucien followed. "Solstice celebrates when day and night are equal - it's a time of neutrality, when everyone can take down their hair and simply enjoy being a faerie - not High Fae or faerie, just us, and nothing else."
"So there's singing and dancing and excessive drinking," Lucien chimed in, falling into step beside me. "And dallying," he added with a wicked grin.
Indeed, every brush of Tamlin's body against mine made it harder to avoid the urge to lean into him. He was so comfortable to be around. My borderline friend. Borderline more.
The sun was beginning its final descent when we reached the plateau on which the festivities were to be held. I tried not to gawk at the faeries gathered, even as I was in turn gawked at by them. I'd never seen so many in one place before, at least not without the glamour hiding them from me - Tamlin hiding them from me. Their exquisite dresses and lithe forms were shaped and colored and built so strangely and differently - they were a marvel to behold. Yet what little novelty my own presence by the High Lord's side offered soon wore off - helped by a low, warning growl from Tamlin that sent the others scattering to mind their own business.
Table after table of food had been lined up along the far edge of the plateau, and I lost Tamlin while I waited in line to fill a plate, leaving me to try my best not to look like I was some human plaything of his. Music started near the giant, smoking bonfire - fiddles and drums and merry instruments that had me tapping my feet in the grass. Light and joyous and open, the mirthful sister to the bloodthirsty Fire Night.
I was pouring myself a goblet of golden sparkling wine, trying to nonchalantly search the crowd for Rhysand, when Lucien finally appeared behind me, peering over my shoulder. "I wouldn't drink that if I were you."
"Oh?" I said, frowning at the fizzing liquid.
"Faerie wine at the Solstice," Lucien hinted.
"Hmm," I said, taking a sniff. It didn't reek of alcohol. In fact, it smelled like summers spent lying in the grass and bathing in cool pools. I'd never smelled anything so fantastic.
"I'm serious," Lucien said as I lifted the glass to my lips, brows raised. "Remember the last time you ignored my warning?" He poked me in the neck, and I batted his hand away.
"I also remember you telling me how witchberries were harmless, and the next thing I knew, I was half-delirious and falling all over myself," I said, recalling the afternoon from a few weeks ago. I'd had hallucinations for hours afterward, and Lucien had laughed himself sick - enough so that Tamlin had chucked him into the reflection pool. I shook away the thought. Today - let caution be damned. Forget Amarantha. Forget Tamlin.
I couldn't bring myself to forget Rhysand. I hoped wherever this drink took me that he would be there.
"Well, I mean it this time," Lucien said, and I shifted my goblet out of his reach. "Tam would gut me if he caught you drinking that."
"Always looking after your best interests," I said, and pointedly chugged the contents of the glass.
It was like a million fireworks exploding inside me, filling my veins with starlight. I laughed aloud, and Lucien groaned.
"Human fool," he hissed. But his glamour had been ripped away. His auburn hair burned like hot metal and his russet eye smoldered like a bottomless forge. That was what I would capture next.
"I'm going to paint you," I said, and giggled - actually giggled - as the words popped out.
"Cauldron boil and fry me," he muttered, and I laughed again. Before he could stop me, I downed another glass of faerie wine. It was the most glorious thing I'd ever tasted. It liberated me from bonds I hadn't known existed.
The music became a siren song. The melody was my lodestone, and I was powerless against its lure. With each step, I savored the dampness of the grass beneath my bare feet. I didn't remember when I'd lost my shoes.
I stumbled, blinking, and found myself standing at the edge of the ring of dancing. I swayed on my feet watching the faeries dance. It's like they were as loose as I was. Free. I loved them for it.
"Damn it, Feyre," Lucien said, gripping my elbow. "Do you want me to kill myself trying to keep you from impaling your mortal hide on another rock?"
"What?" I said, turning to him. The whole world turned with me, delightful and entrancing.
"Idiot," he said when he looked at my face. "Drunken idiot."
The tempo increased.
"Feyre, stop," Lucien said, and grabbed me again. I'd been dancing away, and my body was still swaying toward to pull.
"You stop. Stop being so serious," I said, shaking him off. I wanted to hear the music. I skipped between dancers, twirling my skirts.
"I'm sorry, Tam," I heard Lucien pant. "I left her alone for a little at one of the food tables and when I caught up with her she was drinking the wine, and -"
Tamlin appeared beside me, his golden hair damp with sweat. He looked marvelously handsome - even though I couldn't see most of his face. He gave me a feral smile as we danced together. "I'll look after her," Tamlin said above the music, and I glowed, my dancing becoming faster. "Go enjoy yourself."
Lucien fled.
I shouted over the music, "I don't need a keeper!" I wanted to spin and spin and spin.
"No, you don't," Tamlin said. "Dance with me, Feyre," he whispered.
So I did.
I had become the music and there was nothing that could slow me down. There was pressure on my waist, and I was swept away in his arms. He whisked me into the ring of dancing and I laughed so hard I thought I'd combust. When I opened my eyes, they met Tamlin's as he spinned me around and around and around.
When the song came to a close Tamlin led me get another glass of wine for us both. We downed each of our glasses together and he leaned in close to me, his breath caressing the shell of my ear as he whispered, "I want to show you something."
I didn't object.
He led me off the hill, navigating by moonlight. Suddenly there was little blackness, emptiness with no sound, then I saw the path again.
"Here," Tamlin said, pausing at the edge of a vast meadow. But I couldn't make words come out. His hand lingered on my shoulder as we looked out.
He was waiting for something to happen, but I was suddenly so heavy.
He turned to face me and I stared at his eyes, then his lips.
Then they were crashing into mine, heat pounding through the soft skin as our mouths connected and we shared breath. His hands were on me and I felt my eyes roll back lazily, like a slur.
I heard myself moan.
Then blackness surrounded me.
Then there was light and sounds of ragged breaths. The trees spun around me in the starlight. I heard my dress tear and looked down to see it hanging from my shoulder. I felt him then, his body against mine. Heat boiled through me. I'd imagined myself with Tamlin before, but... not like this. I was going to be sick from the spinning world around me. There was sweat on every pore of my body, a stifling sweat that suffocated my skin. I grunted in discomfort and opened my mouth to tell him... but his mouth was suddenly there, kissing my words away. Not like this, I tried to say. Tamlin, let go. Let go of me. Nausea gripped me and I felt the recognizable burn in my throat.
Then there was blackness.
Then there was light. Tamlin's hair spilled on my face. My body was hot and moving. "What... No," I tried to whisper. But he did not hear me. He did not stop. I struggled to move but my muscles weren't there. I couldn't find my hands to push him away. My body was a blur and nausea swirled through my vision again.
Then blackness.
Then light. I couldn't remember when I'd moved to the ground. Colors blurred around me, everything was out of focus. Then there was pressure and a familiar pain. Then a kiss. I remembered where I was, what was happening. There was a beast on top of me that wouldn't let me go.
Blackness again.
Then a brief light of spilled colors and sickly sweet pleasure, spilling through my bones.
Then the blackness ate me whole.