"There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice."
F. Scott Fitzgerald
If Amorette had thought she would have been alone in the parlour, then she was very wrong. As soon as she slammed the door behind her she turned and caught sight of Aramis sitting on a couch thumbing through a book.
Without even looking up from the book he asked dryly, "Well, what was the argument about this time?"
"How did you know?" Amorette asked the marksman as she drew closer to him. In doing so she realised that what he in fact held was the book of Fabien's poetry that Amorette had helped publish.
"This is very good you know," he exclaimed as he finally closed the book over and placed it upon the arm of the couch. Amorette smiled her thanks, still waiting for his answer to her question. "How do I know when you and Athos are bickering again? Well it's actually quite simple really. You see you both have this intrinsic way of getting upon one another's nerves with barely any effort at all. You rushing in here to slam the door in an irritated mood leads me to the conclusion you've disagreed with someone. I don't think anyone else in the house could exert such a reaction from you apart from Athos."
Amorette wasn't sure she liked the idea of everyone being aware of what she was feeling so easily. Then she supposed it was in fact her fault. She simply had to learn to contain her emotions more. "It's so odd you know. After dinner last night he was furious with me, then later on when it was just the two of us we managed to have a civilised conversation and he actually said some very kind things. Then this morning we are back to our usual argumentative selves. It seems we can only ever find common ground and speak as the old friends that we are when we are completely alone together and have indulged in one or two glasses of wine."
Aramis was smiling openly. "Both of you seem to think you are so different to one another, but doesn't what you've just said dispute those thoughts. There are feelings between you that neither one of you will admit before anyone else so you both put up these defensive walls. That's why you get on each other's nerves so much. I suspect if you were to both have a real and succinct conversation where you told each other how you really felt, then you might notice a change."
Amorette narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What do you mean by how we really feel?"
Aramis sighed exasperatedly. "Madame I am not here to convince you that Athos has feelings for you other than friendship. I know that he does and I dare say Porthos, D'artagnan and perhaps even Treville may know too. You however must learn that for yourself. No matter who tells you, I think you will not believe it until you see for yourself how he feels for you."
Amorette sank onto the couch beside him dejectedly. "Aramis we work well as friends. Yes, I know we bicker, but doesn't everyone from time to time?"
Aramis snorted. "No! Constance and D'artagnan never argue. Their opinions may differ but they respect that about each other. No, you and Athos bicker because neither one of you wants to admit that the other may be right."
"Aramis, what if we did tell each other the truth and we argued more than ever? What if that's all that there really is for us? If being together would mean constant disagreements is there any point really? We fight like brother and sister as it is."
Aramis shook his head knowingly. "Brother and sister indeed! That may be the case, but what if it isn't? What if something much more magical were to happen? Isn't it worth the risk?"
Amorette suddenly remembered why she doubted Athos' feelings in the first place. "I don't think it is worth the risk Aramis. He cares for me as he would a sister. I think he gets confused sometimes because of the love that he had for my sister. Although it's not something that I readily admit to; I'm fully aware that there are certain traits and mannerisms within me and perhaps even a slight something in my appearance that gives him cause to remember my sister. I think that is what so conflicts him."
Aramis stared at her disbelievingly. Scratching his forehead, Amorette knew he was at a loss for what to say. Eventually he seemed to be able to knit his thoughts together and he leaned towards her a little. "Madame, Athos does have a care for you but it is not what you would expect him to feel for a sister. Just because the love he feels for you is not what he had for your sister Ann does not mean that it is not love. Heaven knows I've known many women in my time and whilst I admit that I did not love all of them, I cared about them all greatly. For those that I did love, I loved them individually and uniquely because they were all essentially different. You see, some people need more love than others and some need a lot more than just love. I think I've experienced many different kinds of love in my life and each time it felt different. Would you really want Athos to love you in the same way that he loved your sister? Or wouldn't you rather that he loved you for yourself?"
Amorette tore her eyes away from his face as she felt tears forming in her eyes. That was just it though, could Athos love her for herself? "We could go around in circles with this for years Aramis. Even if he were to love me for me, how am I to know what that is? How am I to recognise those feelings without questioning the intention behind them? I know my sister captured Athos' heart so readily and without any persuasion so how am I to suppose that the same will happen for me?"
Aramis sighed exasperatedly. "You see Madam I think we need to go back to what I said before. I thoroughly believe that your sister needed a lot more than just love from Athos. He gave her many things and I'm not just talking about material things like money and safety. A woman like Milady de Winter needed so much more. In truth I'm sure you are aware that your sister was incredibly self-indulgent and that was her biggest weakness. She strived to survive and she forgot about virtue and sensibility. She forgot what it was like to really care about anyone else. Athos didn't just have to love her, he had to project all of the things that he was respected for onto her. He may have thought he was saving her from the gutter. The thing is though, you can take the Mademoiselle out of the gutter, but you cannot take the gutter from the Mademoiselle. Ann wasn't able to love another person wholly and completely and this meant far much more work for Athos. Young men like a challenge though and she was certainly that. You are not your sister in any way Madame. You may share a mother and a unique shapely nose but that is where the comparison ends. You love openly and freely; have done all of your life. You have said yourself that you have loved Athos since you were five years old. You have vast numbers of friends and family who could not think higher of you because you are a good and kind person. You think of others before you ever consider yourself. You've shown your strength of character time and time again. You may doubt yourself in Athos' eyes, but you do not do so in terms of your friends. Trust me when I say that you are a different kind of love. Athos doesn't need to love you in a way that teaches you to care for others, in fact he needs to teach you to care for yourself a little more."
There it was again, that strength of character thing. Amorette didn't know what to say to Aramis apart from a whispered thank you.
"Besides," muttered the marksman as he stood to take his leave, "Would you really want him to love you as he did your sister? Wouldn't you want your own kind of love for yourself."
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"They all signed in their own handwriting," Amorette said to Treville as she handed over the list in the tiny little library of the house that he had taken up residence in that morning. "And the letter is pretty self-explanatory."
"And just how much time do we have before Weston realises that the letter is missing?" Athos demanded from the corner of the room.
"What kind of a fool do you take me for?" she exclaimed. "It's a copy. I know the original would have been definitive evidence but he would have known that we were on to him pretty quickly if I'd taken it. I'm afraid you'll have to make do with my own handwriting until you have enough evidence to search his offices and seize the real thing."
"The thing is," muttered Treville with a scratch of his bearded chin, "Others may question the authenticity of the information contained within the copy. There are those who would claim that you added or left out bits whether intentionally or unintentionally Madame."
"I know that," sighed Amorette.
"So all we have is a list?" Athos stepped towards both of them out of the shadows. "Personally I think this has been a fool's errand."
Amorette whirled around to face him, well aware that another argument with the man surely wouldn't help matters but prepared to fight her corner none the less. "Do you know what I had to do to get that? Do you realise what I risked in taking so much time over that letter? If I'd been caught they wouldn't have hesitated to kill me! Surely the list is enough to begin with?"
Treville nodded to her. "The list and the copy of the letter only confirm what we feared. In fact, I think a search of Weston's own offices is in order in a few days' time once we have decided how we want to play things."
Amorette nodded soberly. "Well captain, you may call upon me if you need further help. As much as I'm not prepared to put myself in a situation again like the one I found myself in yesterday I do understand that something needs to be done."
Treville nodded as Athos scowled. "Madame I appreciate the offer and I will bare it in mind. I am not sure what course of action we will take in the coming days but if your help is required we will call upon you."
Amorette wasn't sure just how much truth had been in Treville's statement and suspected that he may have just tried to placate her, but she said no more on the subject. Within an hour of their discussion the musketeers made for Paris again, leaving Amorette and Tilda behind in Provins. Amorette met Porthos' swift promises that her rooms had been checked and the peepholes covered in good humour but explained that she couldn't be seen arriving with four musketeers and their captain to the city again. There were too many foreign eyes roaming the countryside and so Amorette had decided to halt her travels for a day or two.
When Amorette did arrive back in Paris two days later, she didn't go straight to her own rooms at the Palace as would have been expected of her. Instead she forced herself to visit Marie. The young Spanish woman did not receive Amorette kindly, but she let her in nonetheless. Their friendship over the last few months had become tenuous. Amorette did feel guilty that after she had married Fabien she had thought very little of Marie and had neglected to visit her as much as she should have done. I'm here now though, Amorette thought grimly as she was admitted into the small parlour and was surprised to find it empty of human life. Nearly almost every time she had visited Marie, Captain Neville had been present and today he was conspicuously absent.
"Neville isn't here?" she asked her young friend.
"Why? Was it him you came to see?" Marie stiffly replied as she perched herself on the edge of a chaise. Her hair was gently braided and she wore a simple dress with no corset. It was clear that she had no intention of going anywhere any time soon.
"Don't be like that Marie," Amorette pleaded. "You know why I'm here."
"To beg me to stop hiding so that you can forget about me altogether? Tell me Amorette, did you even think of me once when you were off gallivanting around France with your husband?"
Amorette swallowed back a bitter retort and tried to retain her composure. "I know I haven't been a very good friend Marie, but I am not your minder. I've made it abundantly clear numerous times that I believe that you should have come out of hiding long before now. Me coming here so often whilst you still wish to hide is not good. There are those known to me that would give in to curiosity and follow me here. Your cover would be blown! Believe what you like but I'm trying my best to help you. Although I admit it would make things easier on all parts if you did decide to make yourself known. Think of Neville and of how he must make excuses to come to you every day! I'm sure someone will have found that curious. He risks a lot to spend time with you!"
"Without Neville-"
"Without Neville?" Amorette interrupted. "Yes let me tell you about your life had Neville not taken such a shine to you! You would have gone to her months ago! Instead you hide away here and claim you are not ready because you do not want to lose the company of your Red Guard captain! You cannot put your life on hold because you have feelings for him! Trust me when I say it; that is not good for you in any way."
Marie launched forward and grabbed Amorette's hand to squeeze it tightly. "Cometess you told me once that you knew how it felt to love someone so much that it was as if it consumed every fibre of your being! How can you tell me to give up one of my only true friends in this world without so much as a thought! What I thought was important to me when I first let you bring me to Paris is not really that integral anymore."
"Marie you know as well as I do that you did not let me bring you here. I didn't want to because of the dangers both to you and myself and Neville. You forced my hand in this. I did what you asked because I understood how you felt and I wanted to help you. Are you really going to throw away everything that Neville and I have done to keep you safe from harm? You must go to her soon and tell her everything!"
"Then I will lose my greatest ally," sighed Marie dejectedly and Amorette felt her anger dispel as she looked into the young girl's crestfallen face.
"You were right. I did tell you about real love being so all consuming that it almost burns you from the inside outwards. It can feel like it's all that matters in the world but the truth is that there is much more to life. There is family and friendship for starters, and then there's your dignity and integrity. Marie I hid myself away in the country for a long time and felt sorry for myself because I couldn't be with the man I loved. It was foolish of me! I should have gone out into the world and enjoyed my life! Don't you want to be your own person instead of just our secret?"
Marie pulled away from Amorette and gazed out of the window. "I can just see the roof of the Palace from here you know. I look for it each morning when I first come to this room. I know that you mean well Amorette, but am I ready for all of that? Can I do it alone?"
"You won't be alone Marie," Amorette whispered. "You will have me by your side all of the way. With your letters and my testimony there is no risk of her not believing you. You trusted me in Madrid. Trust me now. Go to her and tell her the truth. I know you don't want to lose Neville. You don't have to if you really don't want to. Go to the Queen and tell her the truth. Unburden me of this secret and set yourself free. If you do not wish to stay once you have done so I will do everything within my power to get you and Neville out of Paris, I promise you. But this isn't just about you anymore! She deserves to know the truth and I cannot keep your secret for much longer. How would it feel if you had to lie to Neville every day? Because that's what I'm doing! I'm lying to the man I love and to everyone I care about!"
Amorette turned away as she felt tears roll silently down her cheeks. "He's here in Paris?" Marie asked. "The man you love? I thought that you said you lived separate lives?"
Amorette shook her head as more tears fell. "We do live separate lives and I thought for a time that everything I felt for him was gone but it isn't. All consuming, that's what I told you. That's true, but me trying to build partitions between our lives and to keep things from him is not helping the matter. I thought all of these secrets and my own memories of what I did alone would help to break things up a little. I thought I could put up barriers to protect myself but it's all coming crumbling down! The truth is that lying to him hurts me so much! I don't like keeping things from him like this because I know without any shadow of a doubt that I could trust him with anything and everything. By not telling him I feel like I am betraying his friendship."
Amorette really did break down then, a sob escaping her lips as she jumped up from the couch and paced the floor to try and steady her nerves. For a few minutes there was silence until Marie stepped tentatively forward and handed Amorette a handkerchief to dry her eyes. "I'm sorry Amorette. I didn't realise just how much pain I'd caused you in asking for your help. You should not have done so. You should have thrown me away long ago and gone to this man."
Amorette sniffed noisily and smiled at Marie through her tears. "Oh it's not your fault! It's as much mine as it is yours. I'm the issue when it comes to my own happiness. I keep pushing it away because I'm scared of what will happen if I let it consume me. I suppose I feel much the same as you do about your own predicament Marie. I will make you a deal. If you agree to go the Queen and tell her everything, then I will go to him. I'm not asking you to stay. I meant what I said, if you don't wish to stay in Paris I will help you get away but you must face who you are and tell your sister the truth."
Marie nodded soberly. "You're right Amorette. Of course you are, you always have been. I must sort things, my letters and the like. I'm not quite ready but I can be in a week or two. It's just that I'm not sure what I want yet, whether I want to stay or leave but I will think it over with great consideration."
Amorette nodded. Although she had her doubts about Marie ever being ready, at least the girl was able to put a time limit on things. "Well whatever you decide to do, I'll be behind you all the way. I would suggest that you tell Neville when he makes his next appearance. I'm sure he will want to help, and it wouldn't be fair to keep him in the dark."
Marie leaned forward and gathered Amorette into a sudden embrace. The two women held each other for a long moment, knowing that change was coming for both of them. "Amorette I want you to know that I'm so grateful for everything you've done for me," Marie whispered. "I know I behave like a petulant child at the best of times but that's because I'm frightened of the future. I'm starting to see it more clearly though. I know what I have to do now. Your courage shows me that I have to be brave too."
Amorette tidied herself as much as she could after her outburst before stepping outside into the early afternoon sunshine again. Marie watched her from the doorstep as Amorette pinned her hat back into her head. "When will you go to him?"
Amorette have a nervous smile. "Now I think; if I don't I might never go." She turned away from the river that flowed at the end of the street to stare at the jumble of chimneys and rooftops of Paris. Somewhere in the distance in that general direction was the musketeer garrison.
Marie pushed off the step into the street. "Do you want me to come with you Amorette?"
Amorette smiled her thanks at the girl. "No Marie. It's kind of you to offer but it's too risky. There is someone who I may meet along the way who would perhaps notice your resemblance to a certain Queen. I meant it when I said you looked alike. For now, it's best you remain out of sight. Anyway, this is something I need to do alone."
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"Whilst I'm aware of the gravity of the situation Captain, I'm still not entirely sure why I wasn't informed about it all."
Treville shook his head for what felt like the hundredth time and carried on with his work. If Athos said something along those lines again to him he might just take something sharp and prod him with it. "Athos we have discussed this and I have explained numerous times that this was not something that I agreed with. The King asked something of the Cometess and she agreed to do it. She has no living husband to take responsibility for her so whatever we may think of the situation, the choice was hers. I did try to persuade her not to go along with it, as I've already said but there wasn't much more I could do."
"You could have told me," muttered Athos darkly. Turning in his chair a little he had to shield his eyes from the glare of the sun through the windows. He grimaced and turned back again into the room; his hangover not quite ready to face the warm summer's day that blazed outside. Bored and annoyed, he had disappeared the evening beforehand as he had done so many times to a tavern half-way across the city. Choosing one he had known that his friends would not find he had drank away the sorrows that now creeped upon him once again. Dealing with them whilst sluggish and ill was harder than he had thought it would be.
Treville stared at his musketeer knowingly. "Athos I didn't tell you with good reason. If you'd known what the Cometess was planning, you wouldn't have been able to keep away! I know you have a care for the girl, be it friendship or love of whatever form and your first thought would have been to protect her. That's why I charged you with tailing Weston whilst I watched the Cometess."
"We almost shot her!" Athos cried. "In fact someone did shoot her!"
"I told you that under no circumstances were you to give the order for anyone to shoot. Yes, I think that's what I said!" Treville ran a hand across tired eyes and glared at Athos before going back to his work before him.
Athos was silent for a while as he watched his captain scratch out a letter with quill and ink. Resting his elbows on his knees he lowered his chin to rest on top of his hands dejectedly. Groaning a little, he watched as Treville's eyes flicked towards him before returning to the parchment. "I just don't know how many more of her secrets I can take! How can I hope to help her or keep her from harm when she behaves so rashly?"
Treville smiled warily. "You just have to find a way. You know what her family is like for keeping secrets. Her sister was schooled well in that manner and that father of hers is as dangerous as they come. It's probably all that she knows, and I'm sure in her own way she's actually trying to protect you. She will keep you on your toes, so you must find a way. Much like you found a way two days ago. D'artagnan tried to cover for you but I know you separated from him and the others in those trees and went to her house. Perhaps you got there even before I did." When Athos tried to school his expression into one of confusion Treville simply glared at him. "Don't even think of lying Athos. I know you were there. You weren't able to resist."
Athos sighed in defeat. "I only separated after we had lost the trail of the English conspirators. I thought that as she was staying in the country I should check that she was alright, and warn her. When I saw Buckingham there though, I knew I needed to keep away. I guessed at that point that something was amiss but I knew with Buckingham there she was in no danger. None of us have a high regard for the scoundrel at all but I will readily admit that when it comes to Amorette, he's done right by her and continues to do so."
"You know Athos; you should have a little more faith in her. She's not a porcelain doll. Perhaps it's time for you to get used to the idea that the cometess does what she wants. Besides, all of this takes your focus off your duties. Whatever it may be that lies between you both, leave it there until she is ready to speak of it herself. Forcing it upon her when she isn't ready will only widen the divide between you both and take your mind off other more important pressing matters, like Jerome Weston. If you'll go and fetch the others, I would talk to you all together once I have finished my work."
Athos nodded resolutely and left the room. For a few moments he stood in the peace and half-darkness of the corridor and listened to the sounds of clanking metal in the yard below. Closing his eyes, he tried to discern the difference between the thumping of a hammer upon a horse shoe and the clash of steel swords as two men sparred. When he emerged into the sunlight he was reminded how bad his hangover really was. Shielding his eyes, he glanced across the yard in search of his friends. Knowing there was no rush he watched two of the younger musketeers sparring below him for a few minutes as he tried to dispel the irritation and anger that he had felt for the last two and a half days. He would join the men below in a sparring match once he had spoken with Treville again and that would alleviate some of his frustration he was sure. Just as he spied Aramis leaving the stables, the source of his frustration walked readily into the yard.
Amorette saw him seconds before he turned and caught sight of her. Emerging from underneath the archway she glanced up towards the balcony and saw Athos. He looked tired and melancholy and Amorette supposed some of that was down to her. He was probably sick of the sight of her because they bickered so much when together. As she lifted her head to glance at him more closely he turned towards her. There was that unreadable frown again. With the brim of her hat shading her eyes from the sun, Amorette wasn't sure if it also hid the fact that she had been crying some ten minutes ago. She didn't really care though. She would cry all day long if she knew it would get her a few minutes alone with him to talk.
He took the steps two at a time to reach her in the yard and for a second Amorette's voice was lost to her. She managed a sheepish "Hello," as he gazed down at her curiously. She smiled gently at him and Athos opened his mouth to speak when a sharp shout from above ended their non-existent conversation.
"Cometess!" Treville called. "I would have a word with you if it pleases you." He glanced at Athos, "And you four."
"Do you know what this is about?" Athos asked Amorette as Aramis marched past them towards the steps.
"I haven't a clue," Amorette muttered as she threw a smile at Porthos and D'artagnan as they followed Aramis.
"Why did you come then, if you don't mind me asking Madame?"
Amorette tried to supress her nervous grin. "Actually I came to speak with you, but it can wait."
Athos returned her grin then, almost as if he could read her mind and knew exactly what she wanted to say to him. "Can it really?"
"Athos we've waited rather a long time as it is, due to our own faults alone. I think a few more minutes won't really do much more damage. Let's get this over with first." Amorette moved to walk past him towards the steps but he grabbed her wrist.
"Are you alright?" So he had noticed that she had been crying.
"I'm fine Athos. We can talk later and I'll tell you all about it then."