*Jo's POV*
Niall's gone again today.
He's been missing a lot of school lately, except for one day last week. i need to go see him soon. if something...happened, and i never got the chance to talk to him again, i would never be able to sleep again knowing i should've visited him more than i did.
i think back to the day i gave myself to him. true, we had only known eachother for a short while, but something was there, from the second that he touched me for the first time. the feeling of his strong arms lifting me up so effortlessly after knocking me down with his football is still there; each time i run my hand over those spots on my arms, it's almost as if he's here with me. it's the way my heart flutters just thinking about him, knowing he really is mine. it's no secret that every girl (with the exception of demi) in school wants to date him, and this only makes me realize how lucky i really am.
reminiscing time is over. though it was nice to take a stroll down memory lane, nothing has changed. Niall is still in the hospital with type 1 lung cancer, and i'm still stuck here, trying to fathom the thought that my boyfriend could die at any moment.
die.
as in, the only light that finally shattered my darkness and horrible past, gone.
never coming back.
my life...it would never be the same. i don't think i'd suvive without knowing that he's right next to me, whether hes actually here or just not far away, to protect me. i'd be paranoid that history would repeat itself and i'd be taken advantage of again. i've felt safe because i knew he would never let that happen, but without him, i have nothing.
i am nothing without him.
he's my other half. my better half. the half of me that keeps me sane and tells me that i'm not alone. he's the half of me that makes everything okay.
if he dies...my heart just isn't strong enough to take that kind of beating. i've tried to tell myself that i'm a strong girl, that nothing can take me down, and that i'm just as fearless on my own as i am with him. but in reality, i'm just not. i need him. i need him to keep my anxiety in check. i haven't had an anxiety attack in months. i used to have them all the time, but once things started to turn up for me and Niall...they stopped.
i find myself still wandering around my school, well past 3:00. i must've gotten too caught up in my thoughts.
i'm going to visit Niall, soon.
soon.
~~~
"I'm here to see Niall Horan?" I walk up to the check-in desk at Niall's hospital. the receptionist flips some papers, runs her finger down one of the pages, and shakes her head.
"I'm sorry, but you can't see him right now, he's in preparation to undergo a new treatment and will be under observation for awhile," she explains, as nicely as possible. why didn't Niall tell me that he was getting new treatment?
"oh...um, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly will the new treatment...do?"
she proceeds to explain to me that this treatment will be a clear-cut either win or lose-- a 50/50 chance of him surviving or not. she tells me about something about his cardio receptors possibly not responding, but i can barely hear her. i don't think i've ever been this scared.
he's either going to live, or die. there's no grey area. black or white.
"wow..." i breath, not exactly intending to say it out loud.
"if it helps, dear, he's in the very best hands here. we've sent our top doctors to perform the first treatment, as well as observe, so as to be able to jump in immediately if something goes wrong."
"Is there any way i can see him before he undergoes treatment? please, i'm his girlfriend...i have to see him, i need to talk to him one last time if this is the last day he sees, i just..." my voice cracks. i can feel the lump growing in my throat, and i'm fighting back tears from pouring down my face.
the receptionist, named Julie, gives me a second look, this time of sympathy. "well...i'll see what i can do. it'll all be okay, hon."
the lump shrinks a bit, and my face brightens just a tad, with just a sliver of hope. Julie picks up the cord phone on her desk, and presses a few numbers before holding it to her ear. i bring my small fist to my chin, nervously anticipating what she will be able to do.
"Yes, doctor, patient 308 has a visitor...yes, i am aware that he's in prep, but this is kind of important...yes, well...sort of...they are in close relation...okay, i'll send her up."
my head turns up, and i look to her again, as if to silently ask if the doctor really said yes. she slighty grins, winking. "Head on up, hon. he's ready for you."
i mouth thank-you to her, not being able to find my voice from my inner excitement. i nearly run to the elevator, containing myself to a power-walking pace. the elevator seems to take forever, but soon i'm inside the moving box and heading up to his floor.
i step out after a minute, turning left and heading down to his room. his door is slightly open, with a whiteboard reading "Nialler", in dark blue, hanging on the front.
i lightly knock on the door, pushing it open a little more. he looks up, and a nervous smile crosses his face. it's a tired, defeated smile, but still a smile. i'll take it.
"Hey stranger, long time no see," he greets me, trying to laugh. it comes out as more of an exhaled breath, but i know what he meant to do.
"sorry i don't visit you more. it's just between all my classes and family stuff and--
"Babe, i was kidding," he 'laughs' again. "i missed you, but i'm so happy you're here. did...did the nurse tell you about the treatment?" he asks, still nervous.
"the receptionist, actually." i take his hand. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I just found out myself, actually," he answers. "my mum signed for it yesterday, and the nurses just informed me about it. apparently Harry was with her, i don't really know...they never tell me anything," another laugh.
even though it's nearly inaudible, his laugh is still adorable.
"So i see," i reply, nodding. "You nervous?"
"Not too bad. i'm a strong guy, remember? i can take it, that treatment ain't got nothin' on me."
i force a giggle, looking at him uncertainly. how is he not nervous at all? we're talking about life or death, here.
his face drops a tiny bit, from his joking composure to more of a forced smile.
~~~
*Niall's POV*
not nervous?
who am i kidding, i'm scared to death!
not only did they decide to explain every single detail of this treatment and its effects, but they tell me 30 minutes before they're scheduled to perform it! that's not very much time to compose my thoughts and prepare my mind to never think again.
had Jo not showed up, i would've driven myself insane with 'last thoughts'.
i really am happy that she showed up, though. i needed to see her once more if i was never going to breath again.
that's a scary thought.
by now, i've probably made it obvious that i was lying about not being nervous. the lie was more for myself, to try to psych myself up and tell myself that i'd be okay. i couldn't hold up my mask of 'tough guy' any longer-- it just didn't work.
"Jo..."
"I know, i'm scared too."
ireach for her warm, familiar hand, and the room falls silent for a minute, Jo staring down at her lap and me leaning my head back on the bed rest, never letting go of her hand.
"Niall...I..." she chokes out, and i can tell that she's fighting really hard to keep tears from streaming down her cheeks. she's trying to be strong for me. "I love you," she whispers, one tear dripping from her eye as she continues to stare down.
i lean over and wrap my arms around her; no words are required. we stay like this for awhile; i'm not sure if it was seconds, or minutes, or something else, but soon, a nurse knocks on the door. we didn't speak at all, but we said everything we needed to in those moments that i held her, for possibly the last time.
"Mr. Horan, it's time for your treatment."
Jo and I exchange one last glance, still connected at our hands. i can tell that it's killing her to let go.
we walk to the door together, before being forced to drop our hands. "I'm sorry miss, but you can't come with him. you are more than welcome to wait in the lobby, or outside the treatment room," the nurse offers.
"I'll wait outside the room."
~~~
*Jo's POV*
"I'll wait outside the room," i decide, feeling like i want to be as close as possible. the nurse leads us to the treatment room, goes inside, and leaves us alone. right outside the room, he kisses me for possibly the last time, holding me by my shoulders with me running my hand through his hair. this kiss says everything we needed to, without actually speaking. it almost made everything seem okay.
almost.
we finally break the kiss, whisper "I love you"s, and he walks inside the room. i take a seat, everything on my mind at once.
what if he doesn't make it? what if he does? what if he needs life support, but they can't afford it? what if...
and just like that, the door locks, signifying that the treatment is now taking place.
the light above the door, reading "operation in progress", flickers on, and my heart hammers harder, wanting nothing more than for all of this to just be...done.
~~~
a/n: here tis! i made a lot of revisions on a few other chapters, and im going to revise the others after i wrap some presents, so they're a little better now :p it's literally KILLING ME to write this, i'm torn between two decisions that i will not reveal bc spoiler alert hah. i hope you're loving this story. love ya. :)
-dani