Justin Daniel Nealey
March 23, 1989- March 12, 2007
Beloved son, uncle, and friend.
I read his gravestone silently to myself like I’ve done every time I’ve been here. It’s been over four years since he has passed and my heart still aches for him. Every time I visit him, my heart starts to feel the same pain it did when my mom told me Justin was gone. I felt empty, alone, and sad. My heart still longed for him. But I couldn’t cry hysterically, I needed to be strong for him. He was watching over me and I didn’t want him to worry about me. So, I just held it in.
“Hey Justin”, I say as I trace my fingers over his name thoughtfully. I brush the stray blades of grass away from his stone, “I brought you some white roses. Remember when you gave them to me on our first date?” I chuckle to myself remembering how nervous he was when he handed them to me. His hands were shaking. “You know, Beau helped me picked those out?” I say while gently stroking our son, Beau’s head. He is quietly fiddling with his new red toy car on my lap. He doesn’t really understand how to feel about his daddy being gone but I’ve tried my best to let him know that Justin is up in heaven watching over us. Beau asks about him occasionally when he realizes that his dad isn’t physically here. He asks me about what he looks like and what he likes to do. I tell him everything. I gave him a framed picture of Justin to put on his nightstand. I want him to know how incredible his dad was. He’s 4 years old now. And the fact that he has never seen Justin in person or gotten to be around him makes him seem distant and detached whenever we visit Justin’s grave. And I get it. Justin is practically a stranger to him. But I hope that one day, he'll think of Justin and just know that if he were still alive he would've loved him and taken such great care of him.
He has Justin’s beautiful blue eyes and my chocolate brown hair. Everyone says he looks just like me but I see a lot of Justin when I look at him. Looking at him know, he looks up at me raising his eyebrows slightly looking exactly like Justin whenever he looked up. And when Beau smiles, it's that same bright smile Justin had. The smile that reached his eyes. And it wasn't just his appearance, Beau's personality matched Justin's perfectly. When he talks, he's so animated and lively just like his daddy. He uses his hands when he's describing things. Beau was Justin's mini me. And though I wish every day that Justin didn't leave us that night four years ago, I'm so grateful he left me with such a precious gift. He left me the greatest little person in the whole wide world.
Beau took a hold of the white roses I held in my hand and set it down on his gravestone, while I ran my fingers through his soft chocolate brown hair, which was getting too long. Beau crawled over to scatter the roses all over Justin's gravestone one by one making sure he covered the whole stone. When he finished, he quietly shuffled back to me settling himself back onto my lap. Once he sat comfortably, he looked up at me as if asking if he did a good job. I smile and watched as the corners of his mouth tugged up into the tiniest of smiles. I silently cheered because I've gotten a smile out of him. Outside of the cemetary, Beau is the ultimate chatterbox and energizer bunny. But once we step foot onto the cemetary, he is the complete opposite. I've brought Beau to the cemetary with me countless times in the past four years. When he was just an infant, he would usually be sleeping while I sat and had my talk with Justin. Then as a toddler, he was more mobile and liked to crawl everywhere. But once he was old enough to understand what it meant to behave he was extremely quiet and slow moving when we visited Justin. But I think the main reason why he was so quiet and behaved was because he was being cautious. Now, he knows that Justin is his dad and because he knows that he doesn't exactly know how to be. I always tell him it's okay to say something but he never does. I think he's still trying to understand the concept of having a dad who isn't physically present but in heaven. Beau is only 4 years old but when he is curious about something and really wants to understand he'll be cautious and approach it at his own pace. It must be really confusing to hear so much about a person you've never seen. That's why I don't force him when it comes to Justin. I'll do my best to help him get a better understanding of who Justin was but I'll never force him to accept anything. It's already too much for a 4 year old to deal with.
“Justin, Beau’s getting so big. He’s 4 years old now, can you believe it? The time is passing by so quickly.” I began to tear up thinking about him missing out on Beau’s growth and milestones. He had already taken his first steps in my mom’s house just 3 weeks exactly before his first birthday. He had already said his first word, 'toy'. He’s been calling me Momma and I just wish Justin was here so he could call him Dada. He’s due to start preschool soon, he’s growing up into a little person before my eyes and Justin was missing it. I was only 17 when I found out I was pregnant and to be honest, that was the most difficult time of my life. I was pregnant, alone, and grieving Justin's death. I felt so guilty for not being excited about my pregnancy. To this day, I regret not documenting everything when it came to being pregnant with Beau. I couldn't bring myself to be happy about having Beau. All I kept thinking about was Justin and how he would never know about his son. Thinking back, I was such an grateful 17 year old. I was so angry because Justin was taken away from me so suddenly. I was only thinking about what I lost. When, I was wasnt the only one who lost Justin. His parents, Nora and Bradley, and his brothers, Trent and Tim, and his sister-in-law Melanie. I wasn't the only one hurting but I didn't even realize that. I took my anger out on everyone while they continued to help and support me all through my pregnancy. I had so much help and I wish I could've expressed my appreciation and gratitude then. I wish I wasn't so selfish.
But when Beau was born, the moment I saw his tiny little body being brought towards me and into my arms something in me changed. With sweat dripping down my face and my breaths slowly going back to normal I held my little baby boy snuggly against my chest. I watched as this little pink being wailed and cried with all his might. His eyes were shut tight and his mouth was open letting out soft shrill cries as I shushed him comfortingly telling him, "Momma's here. It's okay." I didn't know where that came from. Though I was pregnant all that time, I still didn't realize I would actually be a mom. Stupid, I know but I was so concerned about myself before Beau. Beau's cries dissipated slowly as I rocked him in my arms gently. He drifted to sleep easily and quickly. I felt myself smile genuinely, finally, for the first time since I found out I was pregnant with Beau. And even though I felt my mom and other nurses watching me intently from all around the room, I couldn't tear my eyes away from this adorable creature sleeping peacefully in my arms. He was so beautiful. And that's when I came up with his name. Beau. He was the epitome of the name. I remembered how never gave much thought to his name before that day and it made me feel like a terrible mother. From then on, I knew I wasn't going to neglect him. I couldn't. I was his mother and he was my son. My whole world revovled around him starting from the moment I heard his shrill cries. There was no way I was going to let my baby down, not if I could help it.
Now, four years later, I find myself drifting back to feeling angry and sad. But it's not the same kind of anger I had before. Now, I'm angry because Beau won't ever get to have Justin as his father and because Justin won't ever get to be apart of Beau's life. I've watched Beau grow so much and I know I'd be extremely devastated if I missed it. I held Beau closer to me to keep me composed but it wasn’t helping. With everyday that passes, Beau realizes more and more that his dad really isn’t here and he won’t ever be. My heart ached because of that. I grew up without my dad when he passed away when I was 12 but at least I had him there part of the time. I have memories of him and I playing in the park and watching TV together. But Beau, he won’t get any of that and it killed me.
“Anyway, I still haven’t found a better job. I’m still looking. It’s really hard to find a job that hires someone with just a high school diploma. But I’m trying my best. I know I’ll find one soon so don’t worry, Beau and I will be fine. My mom has been helping out a lot and so has your mom. Nora has been offering to help pay for Beau’s hospital bills but I can’t accept it. She doesn’t understand but you do right? I know she's your mom but Beau is my responsibility and I’m taking care of it.”
Beau was born with severe asthma and he has been in and out of the hospital every few months because of his asthma attacks. I’m a secretary for an insurance company and the pay was okay, it was barely enough for Beau and I’s monthly expenses. But the health benefits were terrible. It didn’t cover a lot of what Beau needed. So I also worked part time as a weekend waitress at Mel’s Diner. We were barely making ends meet and I needed to find a better paying job with better health benefits if I wanted to send Beau off to a good preschool. Raising a child is no joke, it costs lots of money and for a single mother with just a high school diploma, it was extremely difficult.
“I hope you’re okay up there”, I told him. “Sometimes I wonder what you’re doing and if you’re happy. But I’m pretty sure you are. You’re in a better place and I just need to keep telling myself that when I start to worry about you.”
I remained silent for a while before sighing, “I miss you so much, Justin. I wish you were here with me and Beau but you can’t be.”
I swallowed the urge to cry and pressed my lips to my fingers and sending it to him, “I love you so much. We’ll see you next week.”
I reluctantly picked myself and Beau up to leave. I waved goodbye to Justin and Beau did the same. As we walked away hand in hand, it felt like I was leaving a piece of me behind. It always felt like that when I left.
***
I sat in the back of Mel’s kitchen counting my tips during my break and sighed.
“That little, huh?” Rosie said grimacing slightly.
“Yep” I said showing the very little cash in my hands, “Just eighteen dollars.”
She frowned and looked over that the smartly dressed businessman sitting in the corner booth, “You can have that table, he looks like he leaves good tips.”
I looked over skeptically. She was right, he did look like the type. So I served him and did everything I could to be an attentive waitress. Fortunately, he noticed and decided to leave me a twenty dollar tip, doubling my tips for the night. It was almost the end of our shifts, Rosie and I were wiping down the tables and booths.
“How’s little Beau doing?” Rosie asked from the next table
“B’s doing great. He said he's excited to see you today.” I told her thoughtfully.
“Aw did he? He’s such a sweetheart.” She cooed.
Rosie and I have been friends since before Beau was born. She had been my closest friend since I found out I was pregnant. Well there was Julia, but she went off to Stanford for college before Beau was born. Julia tried her best to visit whenever she could. She still does but she just isn’t around as much as Rosie is. Rosie was practically like a sister to me. She’s a student at UCLA, which is where I would have gone. She was due to graduate in a month and I couldn’t be more proud of her. She was studying to be a teacher. She wanted to teach elementary students. She was great with Beau, so I had no doubt she’ll be great with other kids.
I already knew having Beau would be costly so I started working immediately. I worked after school and once I graduated I tried to find a full time job but couldn’t. So I continued working part time at the diner until I was lucky enough to get hired at an insurance company not too far from my mom’s house. But it was far enough that I needed to move in order to commute to my job. So Beau and I moved to LA. Luckily Tim, Justin’s older brother and his wife Melanie lived in LA with their family so I wasn’t completely on my own. Beau was already two years old by that time so you can imagine how much credit card debt I was in. Not to mention Beau’s hospital bills. The health benefits my job provided were very limited, it barely covered half of what I needed to pay.
“Mmm, he really is.” I say as I get the mop ready for the floors, “He’s really excited to see you tonight.”
Once our shift was over, she drove home to get changed and headed to my apartment while I went to pick up Beau from Tim and Melanie’s house. Tim and Melanie insisted they watch Beau for me while I worked the weekends instead of me having to pay extra for childcare. They’ve been a ton of help these past four years and I couldn’t be more grateful that Justin had a wonderful family who was more than willing to lend a helping hand.
I ring the doorbell and Melanie opens the door for me to come in. She hugs me quickly before my little Beau jumps onto me smothering me in his arms. This is the reason why I work so hard. I did everything for him. I worked so hard for him. He was my reason for everything. I smiled and hugged him tightly while I ran my hand through his chocolate brown hair, “Hey B. I missed you”
He pulled back slightly in my arms to see my face. He was smiling big like he always does when I pick him up from daycare or Melanie and Tim’s house, “I missed you too Momma.”
“What’d you do today?” I asked as I set him down, kneeling so we were at eye level with each other.
“Me and Bradley played cars and um, um, Jess and Lillian we watched Little Einsteins. And Uncle Tim and Aunt Melanie made us mac and cheese. I love mac and cheese.” He said in a rush.
“Really? Sounds like you had a fun day. You ready to go and see Aunt Rosie?” I asked him
He nodded enthusiastically and immediately went to gather his things. I watched him put his belongings in his Spiderman backpack.
I turned to Melanie, “Thanks for watching him. He wasn’t too much trouble was he?”
She waved her hand dismissively, “Are you kidding me, Riley? You need to stop thanking me. Tim and I love having Beau over.”
I smiled at her gratefully, “I know I just want to let you know how much I appreciate everything you guys do for us.”
She pulls me into a side hug, “We’re family. It’s nothing.”
Just then, Tim walks into the room and heads over to greet me with a kiss on the cheek, “Hey Riley, how was work?”
“Not bad but I can’t wait to get some sleep.”
He nodded. I could tell he wanted to say that I should take it easy and just let them help me out with bills but he knows I’ll just decline his offer. I didn’t like to take their money because Beau is my responsibility.
Beau came skipping over to me, “Ready!”
I laughed, “Okay, say your goodbyes and we’ll get going.”
He waved goodbye to his cousins Jessica and Lillian and gave Bradley some weird handshake they apparently made up. Tim picked him up and hugged him tightly before passing him over to Melanie. We waved goodbye one more time before settling into my old Toyota Corolla. Once we got home, we see Rosie walking through the parking lot. Beau immediately spots Rosie and looks up at me for permission to run over to her. Rosie was just five feet away from us but I carefully scan the lot for oncomng cars and strangers and notice its clear so I nod and release his hand from mine. He runs towards her and jumps into her arms. “Hey Beau, how’s my favorite four year old doing?”
“Good. You wanna see my new car?” he asks excitedly.
Rosie laughs, “Sure.”
We get inside the apartment and Beau takes off into his room to look for his new car while Rosie and I settle into the small living room. I get up to make some coffee and come back into the room with two mugs to find Beau demonstrating how his car works. I hand Rosie her mug and she smiles gratefully.
After 20 minutes, Beau is playing by himself on the carpet, totally absorbed by the car chase scenario he made up in his head.
“How’s the job search coming along?” Rosie asks
“Not too good. I still can’t find anything. I’ve applied to about 15 different places and still nothing.”
“My friend Camille told me about this secretary position at this company called Quadrant? I’m not sure if that’s what it’s called but anyway, they’re looking for a new secretary and it’s fulltime. She also told me the health benefits are awesome. I’ll send you the link if you want?”
“Really? That’d be great.”
Later that night, Rosie left and I put Beau to bed. Surprisingly, Beau fell asleep just five pages into me reading his spiderman book. It usually took the whole book but I guess he really exhausted himself today at Mel and Tim's house. I quietly set his book back onto his book shelf and shut the light off. I left his door open so that just a little light from the living room could shine through. Beau wasn't really afraid of the dark but sometimes he would wake up with asthma and need a breathing treatment. So, I always left him some light so he can find his way around to get to my room and wake me up. I went to my room and opened up my laptop. I was looking through my e-mails and saw that Rosie had sent me the link already. I clicked it and applied. I submitted it and prayed that I would get it. I needed this job for Beau.