It's the kind of party where the past feels like it's repeating itself. Where boys are still huddled in corners with fingers intertwined and it's easy to forget everything that made the two of you fell apart.
Summer is coming and everyone knows it. For some it's the end of a chapter, for others it's just the start of a break from university life. For some, it might be goodbye.
Charlie is learning to love parties like this, mainly because they inevitably end with him in a dark corner, arms looped around Finn's neck, mouths pressed together. A few moments of passion when they're both too drunk to care that this goes against everything they promised each other.
They're meant to be keeping their distance, but it's difficult on nights like these when all the lines seem so blurred. When nothing seems like a bad idea.
The night always begins with a promise.
Charlie promises himself that tonight will be different, that he'll stay away from Finn and be better than he has been the past few parties. He's made new friends, he's enjoying his course, he's happy and he's proved to himself that he doesn't need Finn in his life.
It always starts with a glance.
Eyes meeting across a crowded room, a total cliché. But one glance at Finn in a tight top and skinny jeans and all promises Charlie has made to himself are out of the window. It doesn't matter if he needs Finn in his life, he wants him.
And so the night progresses, stolen glances, the occasional touch, and shot after shot after shot until Charlie's inner voice has switched itself off and he doesn't mind being pressed against a wall and letting his hands roam.
Sure, it's not perfect. Their mouths taste of alcohol and their movements are clumsy and the two of them don't really talk, but it's working for them – sort of – and right now Charlie is willing to take what he can get from Finn. He doesn't want to pressure the boy into anything more in case that pushes him away completely.
This night is no different to the others in some ways. Their eyes meet across the room; Charlie feels his heart beat in that erratic rhythm he's become so used to.
But then, unlike usual, Finn ducks his head, breaks their gaze, turns away.
And suddenly the whole party has changed and rather than feeling like an escape from reality it feels like a reminder of just how much everything is shifted since Finn found out about Daniel. Because no matter what Charlie tries to tell himself drunken hook-ups cannot make up for lost conversations and nights spent in each other's arms. And alcohol driven makeout sessions cannot compete with kisses fuelled by passion and romance and maybe something a little close to love.
Sometimes Charlie thinks that things are better now, but sometimes, they seem so much worse.
It's like Charlie is having to break every little Finn-based habit he's ever learnt. Is having to suppress the urge to reach out and link their fingers together. Has had to stop hanging out with Finn's friends because he can't be around him without wanting to kiss him or touch him or just to say his name like a prayer.
But he's adapting, like all species learn to do when change comes around. Because ultimately he's got to learn to survive on his own, without his Dad making all his decisions for him, without Finn trying to protect him from everything he really needs to face up to. Finn was Charlie's getaway, a chance to pretend that everything in his life was going great, but now he's taken a step back and can see the paradise that he and Finn shared was just a small part of the mess that Charlie's life had become.
Things are getting better though.
He has new friends, who roll their eyes whenever they see how close he and Finn are standing. And he has a renewed sense of purpose, a real feeling that he can be whatever he wants to be. He can take what he's learnt from all his mistakes, and can turn himself into someone great. He doesn't want to scrap the old Charlie completely, doesn't want to forget what he's done – sometimes it's good to remember – instead he wants to patch up all the cracks in his heart and work on making his soul feel a little bit cleaner. He's improving himself instead of trying to rebuild himself completely.
After all, sometimes the best houses are the ones with a little bit of history.
But one thing remains true when evolution takes place. It can adapt and change to its surroundings, it can become something almost entirely new, but in the end it's still whatever it was to begin with, just with a new way of dealing with the world. People say that a leopard changes its spots – which Charlie supposes, it potentially actually could, in the long term, but the point still somewhat stands – and in the same way Charlie's heart doesn't stop beating faster when he sees Finn.
So it stings when Finn looks away and refuses to meet his gaze.
Of course Charlie knew that their arrangement couldn't last forever. The two of them were eventually going to meet new people and have to move on, there's only so long you can cling on to the person you used to love, even if you think you still might be in love with them.
So he knew this was coming, but he feels the dull ache from before come back. Because deep down Charlie is a hopeless romantic, and while he knew it was going to happen, he'd almost fooled himself into thinking they might be different. And it's only now, when the future is staring him right in the face, that Charlie remembers he and Finn can't last forever. He doesn't deserved Finn for forever.
It all comes back to what they can never be.
A perfect couple with no baggage and no desire to run from what they've always wanted. Charlie keeps on dreaming of a future with Finn, but he has no idea how the two of them are supposed to get there. He can picture it all so clearly, an idyllic house complete with a ivy covered walls, a tree house, two kids, a dog.
And he knows it's never going to happen, but hope makes even the smartest people foolish.
Maybe Charlie should give up when Finn looks away. But he holds onto the tiny thread of hope he has left and decides right there and then that Finn shouldn't be the one to always make the first move.
Surely can be bold too, can walk across a room and tell a boy that his plans for the night include him. He can press their lips together, can whisper a thousand things into Finn's ear.
The steps get harder as Charlie moves towards Finn, like his feet are suddenly laden with weights. But he forces himself forward, practices what he's going to say, repeats the words over and over in his head like some kind of prayer to whatever god watches over him.
Finn, you look good, fancy heading somewhere else.
Finn's stood with Eliza and a couple of their other friends, none of whom will be surprised to see Charlie appear. He's pretty sure they're all just waiting for he and Finn to get back together, as if it is somehow inevitable. Charlie might have believed that a few months ago, but now their relationship seems like a distant memory that they're never going to get back.
"Finn," Charlie says, and his voice sounds too shrill and yet too quiet and why is everything so wrong.
"Hey."
A small nod of the head to acknowledge Charlie's presence but Finn keeps his eyes trained on the floor.
"Fancy heading somewhere else?"
It may be the bravest thing Charlie has ever asked and he can feel his heart in his mouth. Finn pauses, apparently toying with the answer and for a moment Charlie is sure he is going to say no. That something has changed since the last party, maybe Finn has found a new someone to keep him company, someone who can actually love him the way he deserved to be loved, or maybe just another someone to waste the nights with and run away from when things get serious.
"Sure."
It doesn't take the two of them long to find an empty room, and Charlie briefly feels sorry for whoever it belongs to. And then Charlie is tugging off his own shirt and preparing to tug Finn closer.
Finn's just staring at him though, his expression somewhat concerned.
"Are you not tired of this yet?"
"Tired of what?"
"Of me and you. Of just hooking up drunk at parties and then never talking any other time. You could do so much better than me and this Charlie."
"I don't want to do better," Charlie says, and then, to lighten the mood, "I want to do you."
But Finn doesn't laugh, just carries on wearing that sad smile and looking at Charlie in that way that suggests everything is coming to an end.
"You deserve more," Finn says, "you deserve more than being just another one of my drunk hook-ups."
"Am I just another drunk hook-up though?" Charlie asks. "Or am I something more?"
"You're something more. How could you not be? But you're also not my boyfriend and at the moment you're not even my friend and so why are you still waiting around. We don't owe each other anything, why do we keep on putting each other through this."
Finn sits down on the bed, head in his hands, looking up at Charlie through spread fingers.
"This is not how I planned on spending tonight," Finn admits as Charlie sits beside him, "but I looked at you across the room and I couldn't help but wonder at what point this became normal. At what point I started expecting to sleep with you at parties. We're in this kind of stasis, nothing has changed or looks like it's going to, not really. And we're in this in between where we're not really dating but we're also not really moving on and so what was the point in breaking up?"
"You wanna know why I still do this?" Charlie asks. "It's because after all this time the thought of letting you go still hurts more than this in between does. I'd rather be something with you than nothing, and if this is the something you're willing to give me then so be it."
"You know I've never dated anyone before," Finn says, "I was acting like I was so knowledgeable about the world of being gay, and I guess I am, but I don't know how to do relationships."
"We were both learning together, so mistakes were bound to happen."
Charlie is trying to reassure Finn, convince him that neither what they did nor what they're doing is a bad thing, but Finn seems convinced that he's ruining the two of them.
"This is the thing I've always done with guys, hooked up with random guys at parties when I'm drunk. And occasionally it's been the same guy a few times, but it's never been like this. I don't know how to keep myself away from you."
"Why do you have to?"
"You're gonna hurt me Charlie," Finn says simply, "maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually you will. And it will hurt and I'll swear I'll never love anyone ever again and this whole sorry cycle will start over from the beginning yet another time."
"It doesn't have to be that way, I'm not going to hurt you Finn," Charlie thinks better of his words, "not again."
"You can't promise me that."
"And you can't promise me that you're not going to hurt me, but I trust you not to anyway."
"Maybe that's not a good thing, maybe that's just you letting your guard down when you don't know what's going to happen. I don't want to hurt you Charlie."
"You giving up on us hurts more than anything."
The softest of kisses, enough to remind Finn what they have, what he'd be giving up. And Finn sinks into it like a man finding land after being lost at sea, and for once Charlie feels as if he might be the one who isn't lost anymore.
He thought that he'd find himself in Finn, a sanctuary within his arms. But he's starting to learn that it's not that simple, that you can't find yourself in other people. You can find inspiration, maybe even find something worth finding yourself for. But 'you' isn't something you can find, it's something you can learn and embrace. Charlie didn't walk into a room one day and realise he suddenly knew who he was, he fought and he cried and he hurt, and now he finds he knows who he wants to be and what he wants to fight for.
A slow realisation rather than a sudden change.
He wants to fight for Finn, that much is certain. And maybe they're a mess and maybe they'll end up hurting but the point is that Finn is the only person Charlie is certain he's ever loved, and he's not about to give him up because Finn is scared.
And so he takes Finn's face in his hands, and presses lingering kisses to every inch of skin.
"I can't promise I won't hurt you," Charlie whispers, "but I can promise you I'll do everything I can to ensure you get everything you deserve and more."
"What's happened to you?" Finn asks, and he sounds more in awe than disappointed. "What happened to the shy boy who stumbled over his words and was afraid to even ask me to kiss him, he never would have promised me this."
"He grew up," Charlie says simply, "got a little less lost in the world and a little more lost in your eyes."
Finn pushes Charlie off of the bed.
"That was terrible," he states, "like legit worst pickup line I've ever heard. Zero out of ten would recommend using that again."
"It wasn't that bad!"
"We were in the middle of a serious conversation!"
Charlie looks up at Finn from where he's sprawled on the floor and simply grins before tugging on Finn's hand lightly to get him to help him up.
"I just," Charlie says, his tone no longer teasing, "please don't give up on us just yet. Don't give up on me, Finn."
"I don't want you to feel like you're wasting time on us being nothing. I don't know what we even are anymore."
"Do you remember when we first became something? When you let us be whatever I wanted without complaint, when you weren't sure if I'd decide if we should just be friends that day, or maybe something more. You did that for me, I'm sure I can return the favour."
"But I know I want us to be something."
"So let's be something."
"I'm scared," Finn admits.
"The whole damn world is scared Finn," Charlie replies, "it's just about deciding whether to let that fear consume you."
"Seriously when did you become so wise?"
"About the time you told me we couldn't be together and I realised I had a lot of stuff in my life I needed to figure out."
"Like?"
"Like what I thought was worth fighting for."
"Did you decide I was worth fighting for?" Finn asks, strangely nervous, he's unused to being weak around Charlie.
"You were the one thing I always knew I'd give up everything for," Charlie admits, "I guess that was why I got so scared, when you left, I wasn't sure what I was doing anything for anymore."
"Did you manage to figure it out?"
"I was doing it for myself, I deserve happiness just as much as the next person. And yes, I'm constantly gonna be making up for my past mistakes, but that's okay, and it doesn't mean that I deserve to hurt or to cry or to give up on myself."
Another small kiss is pressed to Charlie's lips and the two of them fall back on the bed, hands intertwined, shoulders pressed together.
"I don't want you to hurt me."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"I want you though," Finn says quietly, "so much that it kind of scares me."
"So we carry on like this, you can figure things out as we go along."
"No," Finn replies firmly.
"Or we can give up," Charlie tells Finn, trying to keep the sadness out of his tone, "if that's what you want, we should probably stay away from each other for a bit so we don't fall into this cycle again."
"Or," Finn suggests slowly, "we could just go for it. Take a chance, dare to dream, shoot for the stars."
"What do you mean?"
"How can you be so wise and yet so dense?"
"Shut up!"
"I mean, that we can actually try dating. Like a properly functioning couple, you know who go on dates and hold hands in public and don't have to keep everything a secret from everyone."
"I don't think we're ever going to be a normal couple," Charlie says, "we've got way too many problems for that."
"Oh."
"But I'd like to try," a small kiss to Finn's lips, "I mean a date sounds great, as long as you're paying of course."
"You're such a gold digger."
"Trust me honey, if I was after your money I would not go for a broke university student."
"Who would you go for then?"
"I don't know, some rich celebrity."
Finn simply laughs, pulls Charlie's face closer and showers his skin with kisses.
"So," he murmurs, "we're actually gonna do this. Dating and the whole shebang."
"The whole shebang?" Charlie repeats teasingly.
"Shut up."
"Make me."
"Okay."
And so Finn does. He silences Charlie with a meeting of the lips and there are no more words just breathy moans and the promise of an uncertain future.
And maybe Finn is scared and maybe has a reason to be but he doesn't care about any of that when his mouth is against Charlie's, when he can run his fingers through the other boy's curls.
Everything seems a little bit more okay when Charlie is in the room.
It's dangerous and exciting and Finn is willing to take a chance. Because if there's anyone worth taking a chance on it's the boy lying next to him. Who managed to grow up in such a poisonous place and still have a kind heart. Who took every bad thing he'd ever done and punished himself for it without even realising that not everything was his fault. And maybe Charlie has a past that Finn would rather forget, but they're in the present now, and Finn can't stay away.
It's strange really, this wondrous mess they are. How they've taken the broken pieces of their hearts and stitched them together into something viable, a relationship that might actually work. They both keep on running away from anything resembling love, and now they've run smack bang into each other and neither of them wants to get up and head in the other direction.
And Finn aches when he thinks of it like that. When he thinks of how much the two of them want each other, this feral kind of want that he can't seem to shake.
This all has the potential to end in tears and broken hearts. In screaming and fighting and 'I hate you' instead of 'I love you'. But right now, Finn figures that they deserve some sort of semblance of a happy ending.
Who knows what their future holds? Maybe they'll last forever, maybe they'll keep on running in the same direction and live together until they're old and grey, full of stories to tell the grandkids. Or maybe they'll break up, someday, somewhere. A few years from now, a few months from now, a few weeks, a few days? Who knows? Maybe they'll realise that they're just not meant to be, or Charlie will fall in love with someone else and they'll spend the rest of their days growing old together, and Finn will just be a footnote at the end of Charlie's Wikipedia page.
All Finn knows is that if he doesn't take this chance now then he's always going to wonder what if. What if he'd said yes? What would have happened then?
Finn can't spend the rest of his days doing that, the 'what if's will drive him crazy.
And so he's taking a chance, leaping into the unknown, tugging Charlie closer and whispering in his ear.
"We should go on a date sometime."
"I don't know, my schedule is kind of busy at the moment," Charlie says teasingly.
Finn kisses the smile right off of his face.
"We should go on a date sometime," he repeats.
"Should we though?"
"I hate you."
"Do you though?"
"No," Finn admits, "I actually kind of love you."
"I actually kind of love you too," Charlie says, resting his forehead against Finn's, "and I'd actually kind of love to go on a date with you as well."
Neither of them can say what lies ahead; neither of them particularly wants to think about it either. They're just Charlie and Finn, two boys who can't help but fall in love, two boys who are going to make the most of the hand the world has dealt them.
"So we're actually doing this then?" Finn asks, somewhat incredulous, unable to believe that they're actually doing, that his dreams are coming true.
"I guess so," Charlie murmurs against his lips, "we better tell Eliza, she'll probably scream."
"She's already told me that we have to name our first child Eliza in her honour."
"She does know that we're two guys and therefore can't have kids."
"There's such a thing as adoption Charlie Martin."
"Shut up."
"Make me," Finn taunts, inching his face away ever so slightly so that Charlie has to lean in before he replies.
"Okay."
And so he does.
Later, Eliza will get impatient and burst into the room to see two boys laughing and exchanging kisses on the bed. And she'll congratulate them both on finally taking a chance, embracing something that she knew all along they'd never be able to run from.
Later, Charlie will call Daniel and fill him in on everything that has happened. Will thank the other boy for showing him what he needed. And the two of them will make up plans sometime soon, because they're moving past their past, and remembering why they were friends to begin with.
Later, Finn will look across at the boy lying next to him and will feel like his heart is about to burst. Because that's the thing about love, sometimes it's so overwhelming that you just don't know what to do with it. And it makes Finn want to kiss Charlie until the world ends and run away all at once. He's given up on running away though, so he settles for the other option, not that he's complaining.
Later, two boys will head up to a rooftop and exchange stories and kisses until the sun rises. They will, for a night, feel immortal and like they deserve the whole words, the entire universe. They'll rejoice in a love that feels it comes straight out of a storybook, and they'll finally, finally, feel like they're not so lost anymore.
Later, everything will work out. Perhaps for eternity, perhaps only for a little while. In that moment, neither of them really cares enough to worry about finding out.